Need an outsiders perspective!

[bm23]

Hi everyone :) 

I met my partner 12 months ago on a dating site. We are living at opposite ends of the country but manage to see each-other on average for a full weekend every 1/2 weeks. We adore each other, and are very compatible, have the same interests and support eachothers growth. 

His financial status is greater than mine, by quite a lot - so he pays for my trains down to visit (something I'm extremely grateful for). He is also well established within his creative career and travels  the world a lot doing freelance work for major brands.

I think its amazing and inspiring how successful he is but I also find myself feeling inferior for not being able to 'live up' to his success. I know its not healthy to compare, especially to your partner but I cant help but feel like our lives are total opposites. He comes from a self-made middle class family, has lots of friends that hes known since primary school. He paid cash for his house, so he doesnt pay a mortgage or rent. Therefore, meaning hes in a totally unique situation to be in at the age of 29.

Me on the other hand, come from a somewhat broken family that doesn't have much money, they drink a lot to cope and are quite negative/live in the past. I've never built a career that pays well, as I have travelled a lot. I have no savings and at the moment I'm just living payday to payday. I'm studying and have hobbies/passions but I cant help but feel totally inferior to my partner.

I don't want to blame my parents, but I think being surrounded by their negativity and low confidence has has an impact on me that I'm only just realising at 28.

What is the healthiest way to navigate through this? As I don't want my insecurities' to push him away! :(

[Els]

3 hours ago, bm23 said:

His financial status is greater than mine, by quite a lot - so he pays for my trains down to visit (something I'm extremely grateful for).

Does he travel to see you as well, or are you the only one traveling for visits?

3 hours ago, bm23 said:

He is also well established within his creative career and travels  the world a lot doing freelance work for major brands.

He comes from a self-made middle class family, has lots of friends that hes known since primary school. He paid cash for his house, so he doesnt pay a mortgage or rent. Therefore, meaning hes in a totally unique situation to be in at the age of 29.

How well do you really know this person?

I don't mean to rain on your parade, and I could well be wrong, but this situation actually rings alarm bells to me. Unless he's a literal celebrity, I don't see any way that a 29-yo from a middle class family can put down ~$500k on a house (low estimate, considering current house prices) doing "creative freelancing". There are very few careers that offer a way to legitimately do that by the age of 29, and most of them are in tech and engineering. Even law or medicine rarely achieves that, due to the long ramp up times. Basically, I'd be concerned that he was either lying, or not obtaining the money through legitimate ways. Again, I could be wrong, but this guy lives across the country, you don't know anyone else who knows him, and you only spend 4-6 days a month with him. In your position I'd be doing some research.

That being said... if he's legitimate, I think you should just go with the flow. Honestly, the vast majority of extremely affluent people, especially men, aren't actually looking to be half of a power couple. Making a hefty paycheck usually takes sacrifices, both from the person and from their partner. So if his partner also is a high earner (like, say, she's the CTO of Meta), he will be having to make sacrifices both for his own career AND for hers - covering household/childcare tasks when she's busy or traveling for work, dealing with not seeing her much, providing emotional support for the intense stress that she'd be under, potentially having to move for her career, etc. If there's no financial need for it because he's already earning very good pay, many people don't want to do that.

I know several very wealthy surgeons from H's connections. Their wives all either don't work, or work part time.

Edited August 21, 2023 by Els

[MsJayne]

6 hours ago, bm23 said:

We adore each other, and are very compatible, have the same interests and support eachothers growth. 

That's all that matters. You are good enough, you are his equal, you're the girl that he wants to be with. You acknowledge that your background has impacted your self-esteem, maybe you should focus on fixing that because low self-esteem can colour you whole existence if not addressed.  Money doesn't ever make one person superior to another, some of the biggest scumbags I've known have been very wealthy, and some of the most decent people dirt poor. Your guy knows who you are, and if your income or background bothered him he would be long gone. If you've found someone who adores you the fact that he's well off is just a nice bonus, just go with it and appreciate him . 

[Weezy1973]

Men generally don’t see career success, education and achievements the same way that women do. It doesn’t really enter into the equation for most men in terms of qualities they’re looking for in a partner. Put another way, he wants to be with you for who you are. Those other things don’t matter.

[glows]

I’d focus more on the things you want to accomplish in your life. Less focus on him. It doesn’t have to include big money or bold outlandish dreams. You may yearn for a small herb garden on your balcony or want to volunteer in your community. Those will be things that matter to YOU. 

Dig deeper than all this. Real deep.  Who cares what he’s doing with his life or that his house is paid for. That’s his stuff, material things. As soon as you figure out what matters most to you and do something about it, you may feel a lot better about yourself. I realize this is mostly about you and your inner self worth and less to do with him. 

You say you’re studying - what else enriches you? 

[JTSW]

Do you feel that him earning more will make you resent him in the future?