Was I dating a man who preferred his parents? Some very unusual relationship dynamics.

[Samantha11]

     I just came out of a very confusing “relationship” (I say that in parentheses, for reasons that will become more clear below) and I am trying to learn from the entire experience. What did I do wrong? What did he do wrong? What were the red flags, if any? Should I have stepped away sooner? What should I learn for the future? Any advice that anyone might have regarding these questions would be so appreciated, as I really do want to learn from this experience and share the experience for anyone else to learn from too, if they are so interested.

      So here is the story (sorry in advance this is so long. If long reads are not your thing, I understand, feel free to pass):

     I was visiting a very beautiful historic area from out-of-state when I met a man at his place of work who I could not stop thinking about. He just seemed like such a unique person. He was very shy, but he seemed like the type of person who had something special underneath. I decided to go back a few days later. I showed up, asked him some questions relating to how he had been helping me the other day, and then lightly flirted with him a bit. Long story short, I never asked him out, but after coming back two more times under the guise (real, but utilized because I wanted to see him again) of needing “help,” he gave me his email, and we started to write to each other.

     After a short time of emailing, he asked me on a date, and we met. The date was short, and he was very shy, but he was just so sweet! The date consisted of just a few hours sitting and chatting at a local place, as he said he needed to get back to his parents place since him and his immediate family were going to dinner, but he asked if I would like to meet again. (He told me early on that while he is not married, he is extremely close with his immediate family.) We set up another date for two days later, and I met him again. We hung out at his place and talked. It was a short date, maybe just a little shorter than the first, as he said he had to get to his parents house since they were having a party for one of his relatives, but he asked if I would like to meet again.

     It was also my birthday that day, and he bought me flowers and a box of chocolates, which I thought was so nice. After all, he did not have to do that since he barely knew me! I emailed him as he suggested to set up another date, but his reply came back that he could only meet me either six days later, or ten days later.

     Now, two things here:

     The first:  I was from out of the area by at least a good, long drive of a day or two, and he knew this. I was ok not dating every day, but I figured that since I was from so far away, he would not want to wait days and days to meet again!

     The second: I knew he was not busy beyond going to work and going home to his parents house, which he did every day after work as he told me many, many times. Yet suddenly he wanted me to wait 6-10 days to see him? I was really shocked, as it seemed too long to wait given my situation being out-of-town and knowing he was not busy, and I almost did not go. It seemed like a red flag to me. 

     I finally decided to go though, and we met at a local place that had historical displays. We were barely half-way through, and only an hour and a half in, when he suddenly said that he felt very bad to tell me this, but that he had to get home to his parents house at 2pm because everyone in his immediate family was going to dinner at 5! He apologized profusely, and as we were leaving he bought me a small gift in the gift shop. Then, when we got outside, it began to pour rain, and he did not want to get wet, so I sat with him there for an hour or so until it stopped raining. He even asked if he could kiss me, which he did. Finally, when the rain stopped, he left, and I was so confused.

     He later emailed to apologize for making the date so short, and said that he had thought he had allowed enough time but realized he had not. He asked if I wanted to meet again, and so since he had apologized and seemed sincere I agreed, but when we were setting up the fourth date he informed me that he could only meet me until 4:30, as he had to go to dinner with his parents and other extended family.

     At this point I put my foot down. I felt the first and second dates were ok to be short, and I had accepted his apology for running off on the third, but now he was taking our fourth date and putting a time limit on it so that he could get back to his parents… yet again?

     I tried to end things there once and for all. I told him that even though he was not married, it felt like I was dating a married man. But he was very apologetic and said that since I am from so far away, he realized should be making more of an effort to see me, and that he really hoped I would go out with him again. Because he seemed so sincere, I met him for a fourth date and a fifth. Both those dates he made an attempt to make longer than the others, and they were indeed nice dates. We hung out at his place for one, then for a walk, and the other we went to dinner and then back to his place. On one of those dates he told me that even though things had gotten off to a rough start, he was ready to commit to me. He even talked marriage, engagement rings, etc. I thought that was too fast (I also know guys can use that as a con. He did not seem like the type, but you never know.), so I told him that we should just date and see how things go, but I liked that he seemed as though he sincerely wanted to try to do things right and see if we had a future together.

     I had to go home to get my car serviced and take care of some other things, and he did not want me to leave, but I told him I could come back. He also went on a short vacation during that time with some of his extended family members that had already been planned, and two weeks later I got back right about the same time he was returning.

     Even though it was way out of my price range, I booked a hotel for a month (getting that monthly rate) and was ready to give things a real try, like he had expressed he wanted to. We met a few days after we both got back, and went on a very nice date. He had roses for me, wine, opened the doors. Complete gentleman. A very nice guy. Then he got sick.

    I ended up loosing the first week I was there, because he was sick. He managed to go to work, and spend time with his family though, so I don’t think he was that sick, but I tried to understand that it probably felt awkward for him to go on a date with someone so new if he was under the weather. I just accepted what it seemed I had to accept, was supportive, and hoped for him to get better soon. 

     We went out a week later, on the next Sunday, and on that date he started to push me for sex. I was confused because on our fourth date he had told me he believed in waiting for marriage, and had never slept with anyone in his life! I found this wonderfully refreshing in our modern world, and was fine waiting, but now he made an about-face and said that he should never have told me that, because now.... He let the sentence trail off there. He also went back on a number of other things he had said, and told me that maybe he does not know who he really is since he was going back on so many things. He even changed his story about composing his emails; he told me in an email that he could never compose them on his phone, but later when I asked him in person, he said he composes them on his phone. 

     At this point, I was so confused, as I had asked him certain questions to get to know him better, thought I had the answers, but now he was changing them. He even changed what he had told me about wanting to commit to me and talk marriage, now saying that he is a “commitment phobe” and is not sure if he wants marriage.I was getting red flags everywhere and feeling like I should end things, but I did like him, and he had a lot of great qualities otherwise. 

     He did not text me again to set up a date until near the end of the week. I had already been in town over two weeks and had only seen him twice. I agreed to meet him on Saturday night, which we did, and we had a nice dinner. We went for a walk when suddenly he asked me if I wanted him to take me home. I looked at my watch and it was 9:05 pm on a Saturday night!

     I did not know how to respond, so I got very quiet as I was trying to think what that meant and what I should say. I mean, we barely had seen each other in the last month, and after four hours he was ready to go. He then seemed to realize I was not happy, and said that he was just very hot and that the place was not well lit and he wanted to get someplace cooler and better lit. I pointed out that he had not put it to me that way, but he kept insisting that was all that he meant, and that I needed to be more accommodating. But given the fact he had gone back on things he had said before, I was not sure how honest he was being and if this was a bad sign.

     He took me back to the hotel, and before we went in I asked him if, on future dates on a Friday and Saturday night, he would always want to end them around 9 or 10pm? He said yes, which made me feel that he had not been being honest about wanting a well lit space, etc., but really had wanted to go. 

     I thought about this the next day, and decided the best thing to do was to try to open up a conversation with him to see if I could understand the situation better for future dates. To me, wanting to always end Friday and Saturday night dates so early seemed strange, but I wanted to see if maybe he had a good reason so that I could understand him and work with him so that everyone got what they needed and was ok. I sent him a very polite email expressing my desire to understand: does he have certain routines he likes to make sure he gets at night? What could I know to better understand his thinking for future dates? Just please help me to know you so that I do not read the wrong thing into it was the whole idea that I was going for. 

     But when he replied, he did not answer my questions regarding future dates directly. Instead, he just went back to talking about how we had ended Saturday night early, stating that he had not wanted to end it early but that I had misunderstood.

     At this point I was more confused than ever. I was just trying to understand him better for future dates, but he would not answer my questions. I then realized, maybe he is not the type of person you can have conversations with. Since I know the type of people who you cannot have these kinds of conversations with tend to deflect answering questions due to a lack of personal desire to grow and develop as a person, I asked him if growing and improving as a person during this lifetime was important to him? He replied with extremely round-about answers which were not direct. I asked again, and still did not get a direct answer. 

     He instead told me that I need to accept him for who he is, which to me seemed like a classic deflection from the issue. This was going on for some time, taking up days, and I was now coming to the end of the third week in the month long hotel stay, so I finally reminded him how in the beginning he had told me he was going to see me more, but seemed to be reneging on that in preference of spending all his evenings and days off with his parents and extended family. His response was that I was jealous and needy, and he asked me if everything was “medically ok?” Of course, none of that was true, and it seemed like an attempt to deflect once again on his part. (I had repeatedly told him from the beginning that I supported him being close to his family, and would never want that taken from him, but just hoped to experience a fair balance between him spending time with them and me.)

     I finally felt like I could not take anymore, and when he suggested we take a break, I could not have agreed more. We continued to email shortly but politely though, yet no longer addressing those topics (I felt that this meant his desire for a break was more a desire to deflect from the conversation) and finally on the day before I was to leave the hotel, he invited me to hang out again. When I told him that I was leaving, his next email was so short that I was rather surprised. It was polite, expressing that he cared, but basically amounted to a very nice goodbye, let me know if you ever need anything, take care.

     I emailed him back that his response made it sound like my leaving somehow changed something between us (relating to us being on a break), and he again was very polite but brief and he asked if I agreed that it is best if we just be friends at this point. He said he felt like he was not living up to what I want. 

     I could be wrong, but I read this entire experience with him as reflective of someone who has lived a certain life and routine for so many decades, that he was hoping I would just easily slide right in somewhere when he had some extra space on his hands and just not question anything. I appreciate that he is so close with his family, I think it is great, but it seemed like they are so apart of his life that they would always come first. It seems I would always be put at a far second, and if I questioned it, I would be called "jealous" or "needy" and any attempts to open communication to better understand each other would be deflected or somehow ignored. 

     That is just my assessment, but I would be really appreciative to hear what others think. I would like to learn from the situation; what were the red flags, or did I read things wrong? How could this have been handled differently, and what can I learn from it for future relationships? Any thoughts would be great, and thank you for taking the time to read so much! 🙂

Edited August 23, 2023 by Samantha11

[Wiseman2]

24 minutes ago, Samantha11 said:

  what were the red flags, or did I read things wrong? 

Unfortunately he seems quite strange. If you weren't at his place it would appear he's married. It's also strange he claims he's never had sex, is this attached to his family and frequently changes his story.

Unfortunately it was too much too soon as far as taking a month off and booking a hotel in his area.  Next time try to date locally so you can get to know someone you can see on a regular basis.

[Samantha11]

1 minute ago, Wiseman2 said:

Unfortunately he seems quite strange. If you weren't at his place it would appear he's married. It's also strange he claims he's never had sex, is this attached to his family and frequently changes his story.

Unfortunately it was too much too soon as far as taking a month off and booking a hotel in his area.  Next time try to date locally so you can get to know someone you can see on a regular basis.

Thanks Wiseman2. I do think he might be on the spectrum to some degree, given some of the traits I noticed, which might play a role. 

I was going to be traveling all summer anyways, so I would have been gone from home regardless, but I would not have stayed in his area so long if not for him. I did realize it was a risk to stay though; no one was obligated at all, and he was free to decide not to date me at any point. But do you think it probably would have been a good idea to move on, email more and then see how serious he was? 

[MsJayne]

44 minutes ago, Samantha11 said:

His response was that I was jealous and needy, and he asked me if everything was “medically ok?”

One of the chronic gas-lighter's favourite responses to a partner who questions their priorities is this ^.  The first red flag would be that he kept cutting dates short for family stuff - I think it far more likely that it was wife stuff.  The second was when he started discussing marriage five minutes into the relationship. The third was when he started gas-lighting you like crazy, changing his statements from date to date.  His cutting dates short, etc, sounds to me like he's probably married. I think you're well-rid of him whatever the reasons for his weirdness, because any guy who's genuinely interested in you wouldn't choose a family dinner over a date with you. Or, you may be right about him possibly being on the spectrum, that could explain some of his behaviour and may also explain why he has to report to his family on the dot. You don't mention your ages either, but if he's over 21 and still reporting to his parents that might suggest that he has a mental health issue. 

Edited August 23, 2023 by MsJayne

[Samantha11]

16 minutes ago, MsJayne said:

One of the chronic gas-lighter's favourite responses to a partner who questions their priorities is this ^.  The first red flag would be that he kept cutting dates short for family stuff - I think it far more likely that it was wife stuff.  The second was when he started discussing marriage five minutes into the relationship. The third was when he started gas-lighting you like crazy, changing his statements from date to date.  His cutting dates short, etc, sounds to me like he's probably married. I think you're well-rid of him whatever the reasons for his weirdness, because any guy who's genuinely interested in you wouldn't choose a family dinner over a date with you. Or, you may be right about him possibly being on the spectrum, that could explain some of his behaviour and may also explain why he has to report to his family on the dot. You don't mention your ages either, but if he's over 21 and still reporting to his parents that might suggest that he has a mental health issue. 

Thank you for the reply Ms.Jayne! Your feedback is really great, and so appreciated. Yes, those red flags are what I need help learning to spot, as I tend to let my liking of someone get in the way of what I see. 

I honestly thought he could be married too, but from the moment I first met him, even before I was interested in him, he was telling me about how close he is to his family. He did not have a ring on, and on all his social media accounts there is extensive video footage of his parents, siblings, etc., but nothing of him with a wife. He is well out of his 20s - far, far over 21 - and just told me that he always had bad luck with women. He honestly is the most shy person I ever dated, so I do see where it could be true, but again, you never know. Married or not, it seems there is something he is not telling me? Thank you again for your feedback!

Edited August 23, 2023 by Samantha11

[basil67]

53 minutes ago, Samantha11 said:

He instead told me that I need to accept him for who he is, which to me seemed like a classic deflection from the issue

No, it's not a deflection.  It's commonsense.

You had so many (quite reasonable) issues with him.  This is exactly the point where you need to accept that this is who he is and walk away if you find it too problematic.

[Samantha11]

15 minutes ago, basil67 said:

No, it's not a deflection.  It's commonsense.

You had so many (quite reasonable) issues with him.  This is exactly the point where you need to accept that this is who he is and walk away if you find it too problematic.

The reason I felt it was deflection is because I was not telling him I do not accept him as a person. Instead, I was trying to be fair to him as a separate human being and understand him so that I would not read his choices wrong and misunderstand him and then accuse him of things that he had not intended. 

To me, him saying "accept me for who I am" in that situation seemed like a way of getting out of having a conversation that would let me better understand him. Rather than answering my questions, it was just: accept that these are my choices. I think that level of communication can be fine in many more trivial relationships. You don't need to explain everything you do to everyone. But for an intimate relationship to work, I think sometimes people need to be able to communicate honestly about what they think and feel so that the other person can better understand them and not read into their decisions something that is not there. 

But yes, I do agree that it is commonsense that with so many issues, it was time to walk away. If he does not want to communicate to that level, then I do need to accept that is all he is willing to give, and walk away if I find it problematic. Thanks for sharing. 

Edited August 23, 2023 by Samantha11

[FMW]

It seems that who he is is someone who spends most of his spare time with family, prioritizes that, and is unlikely to change.  So it kind of is a matter of accepting, i.e., accommodating that, or chalking it up to experience and moving along.  I don't think any discussion of his choices would help make them more understandable or palatable for you (or most people).  

[Samantha11]

5 minutes ago, FMW said:

It seems that who he is is someone who spends most of his spare time with family, prioritizes that, and is unlikely to change.  So it kind of is a matter of accepting, i.e., accommodating that, or chalking it up to experience and moving along.  I don't think any discussion of his choices would help make them more understandable or palatable for you (or most people).  

Thanks FMW. That is well put.

I was hoping to better understand him, so that I could see things from his point of view and just be more understanding of what he needs. But I was also hoping the conversation would mean he could understand me better too, and see things from my point of view, and together maybe come to a working compromise where we could both get our needs met and grow as two people in our ability to work with another human being. But I guess that level of conversation, compromise, working together and growth was not going to happen. Sometimes you really do just have to accept things, and realize no amount of conversation is going to make it work. 

Thanks again!

[MsJayne]

38 minutes ago, Samantha11 said:

Married or not, it seems there is something he is not telling me?

I'm guessing yes, but he's not going to tell you because it's probably the reason why he's had bad luck with women. Someone questioning your character and personality, (tells you you're jealous and needy), when you've demonstrated a normal response to a situation where they're at fault is one of the biggest red flags in a relationship. They're implying that you're feeble-minded and incapable of making a rational observation, undermining your intelligence, testing the water to see how gullible you are.  He's incongruous, changing his statements according to how he's feeling in that moment, already has you on the back-foot when you barely know him, so I'm thinking that underneath that shy and beguiling exterior is a very manipulative person. You sound pretty smart to me, way too smart to allow someone to pull your strings. You're calling him out without even having to get involved with him, so 10/10 to you for nutjob spotting, and you should celebrate that  🍾.

[Samantha11]

9 minutes ago, MsJayne said:

I'm guessing yes, but he's not going to tell you because it's probably the reason why he's had bad luck with women. Someone questioning your character and personality, (tells you you're jealous and needy), when you've demonstrated a normal response to a situation where they're at fault is one of the biggest red flags in a relationship. They're implying that you're feeble-minded and incapable of making a rational observation, undermining your intelligence, testing the water to see how gullible you are.  He's incongruous, changing his statements according to how he's feeling in that moment, already has you on the back-foot when you barely know him, so I'm thinking that underneath that shy and beguiling exterior is a very manipulative person. You sound pretty smart to me, way too smart to allow someone to pull your strings. You're calling him out without even having to get involved with him, so 10/10 to you for nutjob spotting, and you should celebrate that  🍾.

Thank you again Ms.Jayne! That means a lot to me to get feedback, and learn from this situation for the future. You said someone questioning your character and personality when responding to a situation where they are at a fault is one of the biggest red flags, and that is what I was thinking too. When I had that happen, I really felt like wow, this is a big red flag! Looks like deflection and even possibly gaslighting to me! But like so many who grew up in toxic relationships, I always hope that the person just might be better than that... and try to give them a zillion chances. 

I really appreciate your feedback so much. Sometimes in life we just need that extra encouragement to face what we already know we should. 🙂

Edited August 23, 2023 by Samantha11

[basil67]

1 hour ago, Samantha11 said:

The reason I felt it was deflection is because I was not telling him I do not accept him as a person. Instead, I was trying to be fair to him as a separate human being and understand him so that I would not read his choices wrong and misunderstand him and then accuse him of things that he had not intended.

I can see where you're coming from in terms of learning about each other and compromise.  But at this early stage of dating (and as it was with my husband) I accepted nothing less than.  'It's so easy and enjoyable being in each other's company. We understand each other and work so well together.  Of course, this is early days and working together and compromise will form part of the long term relationship.  But if it's not great this early, then don't bother.  

And for what it's worth, I suspect my husband would also have shut down this kind of conversation too.  He's a simple bloke, a 'take me as I am' kind of guy and not one who is comfortable being deep and meaningful.  

Edited August 23, 2023 by basil67

[Samantha11]

7 minutes ago, basil67 said:

I can see where you're coming from in terms of learning about each other and compromise.  But at this early stage of dating (and as it was with my husband) I accepted nothing less than.  'It's so easy and enjoyable being in each other's company. We understand each other and work so well together.  Of course, this is early days and working together and compromise will form part of the long term relationship.  But if it's not great this early, then don't bother.  

And for what it's worth, I suspect my husband would also have shut down this kind of conversation too.  He's a simple bloke, a 'take me as I am' kind of guy and not one who is comfortable being deep and meaningful.  

Yes, I agree with you completely that it should have been way easier in the beginning. We should not have needed to deal with so many issues from practically the start. After the third date, I had to extensively explain to him why it felt like I was dating a married man, even though he said he was not married. I thought then it should not be that complicated. I guess I wonder, at what point is it normal for things to stop being that early stage of everything being great and start getting more complicated? I know for most people, nothing is easy forever, but when is it normal for it to stop being easy and require some elbow grease so to speak? At four months, five months, six months? 

And yes, I realize those kinds of conversations are honestly not for everyone, and a lot of people would be very uncomfortable with them. I even pointed that out to him at one point, that I know many people are not comfortable with those kinds of conversations, and I think I explained that it is ok if it is not for him, but that the ability to have those conversations is important to me and so I asked for him to be honest with me if we are not a match. 

[basil67]

1 hour ago, Samantha11 said:

I know for most people, nothing is easy forever, but when is it normal for it to stop being easy and require some elbow grease so to speak? At four months, five months, six months? 

This would depend on how complicated their lives are. For instance, if someone is dealing with a chronic illness or has kids, it’s going to be far more complicated than if they have a simple life.  I’ve been married for 30 years now and there have been things to work through, but they’ve been few and far between 

 

[Wiseman2]

It's good you cut your losses. It would be next to impossible to bond with someone who still has the umbilical cord attached. 

[Alvi]

I wonder if he is from the culture where living at home with parents is very normal. Even if he is going to get married one day, he may still be living with his wife at his parent's.  Do you think that he is scheduled for an arranged marriage?

OP, this is why people date. To see if they are compatible with each other. It is really not your job to change him. He is what he is. You are not doing anything from but rather he is not a right guy for you.

3 hours ago, Samantha11 said:

He is well out of his 20s - far, far over 21 - and just told me that he always had bad luck with women.

I believe that. I can't imagine him meeting lots of women who are going to be OK with an adult guy cutting a date short at 4:30 because he has a curfew that his parents made for him. 

OP, I am not going to bash him. But he is more than likely not the "one" for you. Simple as that.

[Samantha11]

50 minutes ago, Alvi said:

I wonder if he is from the culture where living at home with parents is very normal. Even if he is going to get married one day, he may still be living with his wife at his parent's.  Do you think that he is scheduled for an arranged marriage?

OP, this is why people date. To see if they are compatible with each other. It is really not your job to change him. He is what he is. You are not doing anything from but rather he is not a right guy for you.

I believe that. I can't imagine him meeting lots of women who are going to be OK with an adult guy cutting a date short at 4:30 because he has a curfew that his parents made for him. 

OP, I am not going to bash him. But he is more than likely not the "one" for you. Simple as that.

Hi Alvi, thank you for your thoughts! I appreciate it. 

No, he is not from that type of culture. I do not think there is any chance of an arranged marriage, but I can see why you might have thought that. If he was from that kind of culture I could see it as a possibility. 

I am curious as to why you thought I wanted to change him? I am a big believer in not trying to change people. Understand people, yes. Grow with them, absolutely. Have constructive conversations about their behaviors (or mine) when something is not working, sure. Give someone chances, make compromises, learn, mature, all those good things together, I am with. But I agree one should not try to change another person, which is why I am curious you felt I wanted to change him?

Yes, I do agree that this is why people date, to see if they are right for one another, and I told him that if he is not the one for me, it is ok. I just asked him to please be honest with me so that I could understand if we could work well together to build something deep and profound, or if he really was not the one for me. I think you are so right, that that is what it comes down to: either two people are right for each other, or they are not. Thank you for sharing!

[Samantha11]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

It's good you cut your losses. It would be next to impossible to bond with someone who still has the umbilical cord attached. 

Thank you again Wiseman2. I get the feeling I would have been very lonely in the relationship, because even if he is not married, I would have always felt like there were other people who he was first committed to, and prioritizing, far beyond me. 

[Alpacalia]

What a mess of needs and deflections on his end.

Aye yai yai. Your assessment of the situation is spot on, so you already know the red flags here.

He pushes you for sex and then brushes it off as a misunderstanding, and always wanting to end the dates early.

So, there was this one big red flag that really caught my attention. He was all like, "Let's make plans super fast! Stay in town for a whole month!" And get this, he totally knew you weren't local. It's like he was trying to rope you into something without dealing with the consequences. Seriously, chat with your pals and fam about this. That gut feeling you got? It's telling you something important. When someone's values do a 180 in no time, it's a sign they might not be all there, you know?

He got way too comfy in his own little world and got freaked out by any kind of change. So, he coped by trying to control you and everything else. He never really faced up to stuff, just dodged your genuine questions. And get this, he didn't stick to what he said, like changing his mind about waiting for marriage. All talk, zero action—huge red flag right there. Plus, he tried to shut you up by bringing up your health issues. Classic manipulation move.

The big takeaway is to spot controlling vibes and trust your gut in situations like these. If things feel off, give it a closer look and trust your instincts. Don't brush it aside; it's smarter to tackle it early. Sometimes we get swept up and miss the cues, but if something's fishy, pump the brakes to figure it out. Looking back, that rush for sex and a quickie marriage after only a few dates should've raised alarm bells right from the start.

Dang, that's a tough situation to be in. Sorry you had to deal with that. Here's a takeaway: watch how you handle things. Seemed like you were all in to make it work, which led to kinda ignoring those red flags or brushing 'em off as "misunderstandings" because you were so into the guy. And that whole trying to speed things up? Not the best call. Take it as a personal caution sign for the future. People tend to stick to their patterns, so you could've dodged this mess by standing firm right from the start, not settling for this "almost relationship."

Also, think about it this way—if his fam was as important to him as you, it'd be a two-way street, right? If it had been the case that his family was just as important to him as you, you would've had to come to terms with that, maybe pitching in for family gatherings and gatherings in general. It's a two-way street, know what I mean? 

Maybe it's time to set some ground rules for relationships. Do a bit of research, sounds like your style. That way, you can spot those avoidable red flags way earlier. Create your own list of red flags (like rushing, for example) and set up clear boundaries. This'll help you tackle or step away from situations like this with a clear head and determination. Hopefully!

[glows]

My opinions are aligned with MsJayne and Alcapalia. My initial thoughts were that he is married and any supporting social media accounts may be doubles or just a front where his real accounts are hidden or private. I’m sorry all this happened and amazed you got this far booking a month long stay at the hotel. I know you liked him but I don’t think he was prepared for a relationship and realized this too late. 

This was awhile ago before I was married/divorced. I was dating around and saw someone a couple of times who was very similar to this guy. He had a close relationship with his family and weekends spent with them with no budging on those routines. He was also very religious (unlike myself) although I was open to it and found it refreshing at the time. Your scenario comes with curfews.. I did not deal with that. 

On a separate occasion I was set up with someone who had suffered a brain injury in his early 20s but no one told me this and it was only after a few dates when his stories kept changing in the most benign but confusing way (he was very sweet) I had to ask what was going on. He refused to disclose this info directly to me and I think everyone is entitled to their reasons. My friend reluctantly told me later about his entire story and I was absolutely understanding but there wasn’t enough chemistry anyway and I didn’t feel like this person was willing to be as open as is needed in developing a long term relationship. 

My point is we can’t know everything of what a person is going through especially someone we have met recently. What’s disturbing here is the combination of all the above in one person which seems more confusing and upsetting than anything - completely incompatible. Good for you for trusting your instincts in moving away from something that doesn’t work for you. 

[ExpatInItaly]

He might not be married, OP, but that doesn't mean he is single. He might already have a girlfriend. I would be surprised if he didn't, given his behaviour and aloofness and need to be home very early. It sounds to me like someone would start wondering where he was otherwise, and he wouldn't know what to tell her. 

Either that or he's got some social or developmental issues. However you slice it, there is a lot not adding up about him. 

Given that there have been signs from the begining, I am wondering why you over-extended yourself so much. You did an awful lot to try to date him considering how little you were getting in return. A hotel for a month? For a long-distance guy who already been weird with you? What was your thinking there? I don't mean to be unkind, but I am curious to hear how your love life was going before him. Were you lonely? In a more vulnerable place? You seemed to latch on to the idea of this man very quickly, and did the most to try to make a relationship out of it.  I would spend time reflecting on why that is. 

[JTSW]

There was more to it than just family dinners and he was definitely not honest with you about who is he.

I'm leaning more toward the fact that he is already involved with someone and seeing what he could get out of you.

He began pushing for sex and when you didn't comply, he did a complete 180 and backed off.

You did the right thing breaking things off.

He's a chancer and a liar.

[Samantha11]

4 hours ago, JTSW said:

There was more to it than just family dinners and he was definitely not honest with you about who is he.

I'm leaning more toward the fact that he is already involved with someone and seeing what he could get out of you.

He began pushing for sex and when you didn't comply, he did a complete 180 and backed off.

You did the right thing breaking things off.

He's a chancer and a liar.

Thank you for your thoughts JTSW. 

He did go on another date with me (our last date) after the date when he was pushing for sex, and he did not push for sex then. In fact, he at one point said that that was part of the reason he wanted to end that last date early, because he felt I did not want to do anything with him sexually and he felt hanging out past 10pm would lead into hours when people generally have sex and he felt it was a bad idea to hang out that late for those reasons. He said it was hard being around me because he wanted me in that way very much. But I guess it is hard to really know for sure what he was intending, given some of the things that were said and then taken back later. 

I appreciate you taking the time to share your thoughts with me. It really helps to hear what others think. 

[Samantha11]

6 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

He might not be married, OP, but that doesn't mean he is single. He might already have a girlfriend. I would be surprised if he didn't, given his behaviour and aloofness and need to be home very early. It sounds to me like someone would start wondering where he was otherwise, and he wouldn't know what to tell her. 

Either that or he's got some social or developmental issues. However you slice it, there is a lot not adding up about him. 

Given that there have been signs from the begining, I am wondering why you over-extended yourself so much. You did an awful lot to try to date him considering how little you were getting in return. A hotel for a month? For a long-distance guy who already been weird with you? What was your thinking there? I don't mean to be unkind, but I am curious to hear how your love life was going before him. Were you lonely? In a more vulnerable place? You seemed to latch on to the idea of this man very quickly, and did the most to try to make a relationship out of it.  I would spend time reflecting on why that is. 

Thank you for sharing ExpatInItaly. Your last paragraph is probably a big part of the reason why I am posting here. I know I tend to do this when I like someone; even if I see the red flags, and can analyze the situation pretty well, I have that soft spot that just really wants to believe that the person I saw in them will finally come out and shine. 

I tend to rarely be interested in anyone, and am generally happy being single, and don't even really look for someone to date. I have turned down different marriage proposals in the past (but if I told you about those people, you would agree I did the right thing). So when I do meet someone that I feel an interest for, I find it so rare that I am actually interested that I just find it hard to let go.

I think I also have a hard time entirely trusting my own analyzation of a situation - or maybe it is more that I just really want to be wrong on some level, and am hoping that they will come through and prove that I am wrong. But yes, I get what you are saying, it is something I myself am trying to figure out, and I don't think you are unkind for pointing it out. Thank you for sharing your thoughts!

[Samantha11]

10 hours ago, glows said:

My opinions are aligned with MsJayne and Alcapalia. My initial thoughts were that he is married and any supporting social media accounts may be doubles or just a front where his real accounts are hidden or private. I’m sorry all this happened and amazed you got this far booking a month long stay at the hotel. I know you liked him but I don’t think he was prepared for a relationship and realized this too late. 

This was awhile ago before I was married/divorced. I was dating around and saw someone a couple of times who was very similar to this guy. He had a close relationship with his family and weekends spent with them with no budging on those routines. He was also very religious (unlike myself) although I was open to it and found it refreshing at the time. Your scenario comes with curfews.. I did not deal with that. 

On a separate occasion I was set up with someone who had suffered a brain injury in his early 20s but no one told me this and it was only after a few dates when his stories kept changing in the most benign but confusing way (he was very sweet) I had to ask what was going on. He refused to disclose this info directly to me and I think everyone is entitled to their reasons. My friend reluctantly told me later about his entire story and I was absolutely understanding but there wasn’t enough chemistry anyway and I didn’t feel like this person was willing to be as open as is needed in developing a long term relationship. 

My point is we can’t know everything of what a person is going through especially someone we have met recently. What’s disturbing here is the combination of all the above in one person which seems more confusing and upsetting than anything - completely incompatible. Good for you for trusting your instincts in moving away from something that doesn’t work for you. 

Thank you glows for taking the time to comment. I had wondered too if he was not prepared, and realized too late and then felt like he did not know what to do. 

I agree that it is hard to know what someone is going through when we have just recently met them. I was so open to trying to understand him and work with him, which is why I tried to ask questions, but when I could not get him to open up, and be honest, I felt like it was just impossible to make work. Like you said, just too much confusion leading to upset. Without any real understanding to clear the confusion, it was just impossible. Thank you again for commenting!