Was I dating a man who preferred his parents? Some very unusual relationship dynamics.

[Gaeta]

4 minutes ago, Samantha11 said:

Should I just leave and tell them to come to where I am going next?

Actually you should not tell them anything. You should do your thing, go back  home if it's what you have planned and let the man figure it out. A man that is interested in you will drive/fly to you, he will plan dates, he will make time for  you, and he'll come back often. Do not facilitate his courting at the very beginning, he needs to make these efforts, more efforts he makes more he'll value you. 

[Samantha11]

Just now, Gaeta said:

Actually you should not tell them anything. You should do your thing, go back  home if it's what you have planned and let the man figure it out. A man that is interested in you will drive/fly to you, he will plan dates, he will make time for  you, and he'll come back often. Do not facilitate his courting at the very beginning, he needs to make these efforts, more efforts he makes more he'll value you. 

Thanks. So just for the record, say I am in someplace like Italy, and I meet a guy but I am only there for two weeks. Should I not mention that I am only there for two weeks? 

[Gaeta]

1 minute ago, Samantha11 said:

Thanks. So just for the record, say I am in someplace like Italy, and I meet a guy but I am only there for two weeks. Should I not mention that I am only there for two weeks? 

Of course but why date someone long distance? Unless it's not that far?

What I mean is - you meet a man, he wants to see you again, let him figure it out the logistic, don't tell him you can drive back to him or don't tell him to come to your town, don't give him instructions on how he can get to you, if he's insterested he will ask you where you are and he'll make plans close to that place. 

[glows]

Just a general comment here on the way you mentioned his shyness with emphasis in the first post. I was surprised you were attracted to this person who appears so different from you as you seem extremely verbal and outspoken. Do you equate shyness with a challenge or maybe a puzzle to figure out and pursue? Or do you find that a polite quality you rarely see in individuals you interact with on a regular basis? 

I don’t think he was a match from the start and it progressively got weirder and more strained. I’m sure you were fully aware of the imbalance but you also have an open mindedness many do not have. I think that’s an advantage more than a disadvantage as you tend to be open to more possibilities. Keep being you but filter incompatible individuals a little quicker and allow yourself to move forward only with people who are putting in just as much effort as you.

 

 

 

Edited August 26, 2023 by glows

[ExpatInItaly]

19 minutes ago, Samantha11 said:

promised up and down he was not married

As I said before, he might not be married. That doesn't mean he doesn't have a girlfriend. 

21 minutes ago, Samantha11 said:

should I not stay in the area? Should I just leave and tell them to come to where I am going next?

I would suggest meeting in the middle. I wouldn't stay in the area for someone I barely knew, that much is for sure. 

22 minutes ago, Samantha11 said:

a month and a half in from emailing with him

I didn't see it mentioned, but do you have his phone number? Could you have called or messaged him if you'd wanted to? 

[Samantha11]

19 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

Of course but why date someone long distance? Unless it's not that far?

What I mean is - you meet a man, he wants to see you again, let him figure it out the logistic, don't tell him you can drive back to him or don't tell him to come to your town, don't give him instructions on how he can get to you, if he's insterested he will ask you where you are and he'll make plans close to that place. 

Thanks. I travel a lot, and I love living in new places. It is an adventure to me to meet someone from someplace else and possibly move there. 

Well, now I am confused because that sounds like how it was between me and him as far as what he knew. I never told him I was staying around for him in the beginning, although I did say that I did not know how much time I had to stay in his area, which he later said he vaguely remembered me saying but did not pick up on very well. I did tell him I would come back when he said he did not want me to leave. But that was a good month and a half in. Thank you again for sharing. 

Edited August 26, 2023 by Samantha11

[Samantha11]

9 minutes ago, glows said:

Or do you find that a polite quality you rarely see in individuals you interact with on a regular basis? 

👆👆👆🙂

There was something about him that seemed so different, and so good, in a very sweet, polite way.

12 minutes ago, glows said:

I’m sure you were fully aware of the imbalance but you also have an open mindedness many do not have.

I do think I was very open to seeing what might emerge if I peeked into the shell long enough so to speak. 🙂 I guess I found out. 

Thank you so much for all that you said. I will try to filter quicker. That really is my problem; when I like someone enough, my normal quick filter just disappears and I will give far too many chances. Thank you again!

[Samantha11]

On 8/24/2023 at 2:51 PM, ExpatInItaly said:

Because it works:

It worked like a charm on you. It's a lot less obvious that being a typical arrogant tool, and it's very effective with people who want to give the benefit of the doubt and find the "awkwardness" endearing. 

I have been thinking about this, and I think it actually backfired on him. I don't think it worked like a charm for him. 

While I did find his awkward shyness endearing when I first met him as a customer at his place of work, he never mentioned anything about wanting to wait for marriage, not kissing anyone ever, etc. until our fourth date (which was about a month and a half in from when we started emailing each other every day. We lost a few weeks because I had tried to end things when I thought he was married and he tried to persuade me he was not.)

He even later said that he should have never told me he wanted to wait for marriage, because it made me not want to do anything with him beyond kissing. But then he went back to not pressuring me.

I think it backfired on him because I felt bad taking him away from his goal so to speak, but I would have never gone beyond that anyways with all the red flags I was seeing. 

[Gaeta]

5 minutes ago, Samantha11 said:

when I like someone enough, my normal quick filter just disappears and I will give far too many chances

I was like you before and goodness I met so many men that played me, used my kindness, wasted my time. Only when I gave myself a list of standards I started meeting more genuine and interesting men. 

[Samantha11]

23 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I didn't see it mentioned, but do you have his phone number? Could you have called or messaged him if you'd wanted to? 

Yes, I have his number, and he never told me I could not call. I did text him a few times, and he texted me. We ended up using WhatsApp a lot because I tend to loose regular texts, since I keep my phone off a lot. He never told me I could not text him or not call him. 

I saw his contact list on his phone one time when he was trying to call his parents to tell them he was going to be late, and the only people on the list were all the names he had mentioned as family members. It was a very short list. 

Thank you for your other suggestions Expat!

Edited August 26, 2023 by Samantha11

[Wiseman2]

19 minutes ago, Samantha11 said:

. I travel a lot, and I love living in new places. It is an adventure to me to meet someone from someplace else and possibly move there. 

That seems to be what this was. Another adventure of visiting a place you like and trying to find someone to date there to possibly move there. Would it be possible for you to move to somewhere you like and then focus on meeting available men?

[ExpatInItaly]

7 minutes ago, Samantha11 said:

the only people on the list were all the names he had mentioned as family members. It was a very short list. 

Right, but you don't know if the names actually match the numbers. 

He might not be partnered, I realize. But it's incredibly easy to store someone's number under an innocent-sounding name as well. Regardless, you'll well rid of him. He's a very strange person that would be make me feel all kinds of weird and uncomfortable. 

[Samantha11]

19 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

That seems to be what this was. Another adventure of visiting a place you like and trying to find someone to date there to possibly move there. Would it be possible for you to move to somewhere you like and then focus on meeting available men?

The first part is accurate, about it being an adventure visiting a place. As far as trying to find someone to date in my travels, no. I never go into a place with an expectation or desire to look to meet someone, as I really enjoy being single and my focus is on my travels and other things that interest me. I don't look for anyone to date as a general rule. It would be an adventure if I met someone and moved there, yes, and I would enjoy that adventure. That is how I should have phrased my comment, but I don't go into a new place looking for that particular adventure if that makes sense. 

This is why, when I liked him so well, I gave it a chance, because I rarely meet someone I am that interested in. My friends are frequently encouraging me to date, as does my family, but I always tell them I have no interest, which I usually do not. 

Your suggestion is a good one though. If I decide to really try to meet someone, that is the one I would choose for sure.

Edited August 26, 2023 by Samantha11

[Wiseman2]

42 minutes ago, Samantha11 said:

. It is an adventure to me to meet someone from someplace else and possibly move there. 

That's true but combining adventures moving and dating into one pursuit can make dating stressful as in this case but not only because of the distance.

But the enormous pressure to overlook major red flags because you are traveling, looking for adventures and for whatever reason looking to relocate based on the viability of sketchy new dating situations.

Perhaps if you separate all these factors it could be less complicated and disappointing. For example. Take the pressure off dating to please family and friends. Travel for fun. Relocate if the area suits you, not if you happen to meet someone on vacation.

Edited August 26, 2023 by Wiseman2

[Samantha11]

6 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

That's true but combining adventures moving and dating into one pursuit can make dating stressful as in this case but not only because of the distance but the enormous pressure to overlook red flag because you are traveling, looking for adventures and for whatever reason looking to relocate based on the viability of sketchy new dating situations.

Perhaps if you separate all these factors it could be less complicated and disappointing. For example. Take the pressure off dating to please family and friends. Travel for fun. Relocate if the area suits you, not if you happen to meet someone on vacation.

I agree. That is normally my philosophy and honestly why I almost never date. I would not have even done it in this situation if I had not been so unusually intrigued. Me taking the time to date this guy was a very rare situation that I am unlikely to find myself in again anytime soon. Thank you again for your thoughts Wiseman2. 

Edited August 26, 2023 by Samantha11

[NuevoYorko]

On 8/26/2023 at 8:16 AM, Samantha11 said:

I agree. That is normally my philosophy and honestly why I almost never date. I would not have even done it in this situation if I had not been so unusually intrigued. Me taking the time to date this guy was a very rare situation that I am unlikely to find myself in again anytime soon. 

From your OP: 

Quote

I am trying to learn from the entire experience. What did I do wrong? What did he do wrong? What were the red flags, if any? Should I have stepped away sooner? What should I learn for the future?

If you're not interested in dating, or it's a "rare situation," why spend time mulling over this novel and weird relationship you chose to get yourself into?  

Edited August 27, 2023 by NuevoYorko

[Samantha11]

8 hours ago, NuevoYorko said:

If you're not interested in dating, or it's a "rare situation," why spend time mulling over this novel and weird relationship you chose to get yourself into?  

Did I say that I would never date anyone ever again? 

On 8/26/2023 at 11:16 AM, Samantha11 said:

I agree. That is normally my philosophy and honestly why I almost never date.

I never said I am closed off to meeting the right person. I said instead, in numerous places, that I rarely meet someone I am interested in dating, and that I normally enjoy being single and focusing on the things that matter to me. I am by no means entirely closed off to ever meeting the right person, but I just don't go out of my way to look for someone either. 

I think every situation proposes a chance to learn something, and I think when a relationship ends it is an excellent chance to learn many things about other people, life, yourself - all sorts of things. Why would I pass up that opportunity to learn? Would it be a better idea if I just moped around, like many people do after something ends? I think it is much healthier to focus your energy on learning from the situation, rather than crying endlessly over it. No relationship or situation in life is a failure if you are willing to learn from it, and the more you learn, the more a success even a failure can ultimately be.

I have learned a lot here, and if I ever do meet someone someday who I like a lot again, I will have quite a number of new tools in my toolbox to handle that situation, simply because I took the time to learn as much as I could.

For that, I am grateful to those who were helpful here. There were quite a few people who gave some excellent advice that was very informative to me and helped me to get over this situation much faster and learn a lot from it too. There were also some situations that were learning examples of how people can misjudge another person based on very limited information, and insist that they are right even when the person they are judging is right there telling them what they feel and think. 

Life is a journey, and I feel like learning from this has made me hopefully wiser for the future. I really appreciate those who helped.