Puzzled

[hmmmmm]

I dated a girl about 8 years ago. We were together for a over a year. We broke up. 

Anyways and admittedly I looked at her fb profile and it said she had a bf, this was like a year ago. 

Last week she out of the blue sends me a hello text. We hadn't spoken since the break up. We have been texting pretty steadily for several days. I checked back to her fb which now lists no relationship status. She says she has been with a guy for 5 years though. I'm not sure if I belive her, given that her fb status had changed, and that we routinely have been texting all day until like midnight. 

What do you think? Is she just catching up? I've kinda always had feelings for this girl and regret the breakup. I've managed to put her out of my head for the most part, and now I can't get her out of my head.

Any opinions?

[Wiseman2]

22 minutes ago, hmmmmm said:

 She says she has been with a guy for 5 years though. 

Unfortunately whenever an ex contacts you it's for their own reasons. Lonely, bored, in-between relationships, etc. 

It's unclear why she tells you she has a BF, but she's texting all day every day. What is she texting about? Has she suggested meeting up? 

Edited August 23, 2023 by Wiseman2

[hmmmmm]

Just general stuff really and talking about how we broke up. I know she is a very private person so she doesn't give a whole lot out. I asked her a few days ago if she wanted to meet up and she said "not tonight". Not 'I have a bf' but "not tonight" 

[Samantha11]

I was listening to a program and a guy explained a similar situation. Only he was the one reaching out to the ex after sometime. Here is what she texted him back (and I am not quoting verbatim):

"I am glad to hear that you are doing good. I may be wrong about this, but since I have not heard from you in a very long time, your text comes across as a bored plea for attention. Like I said, I might be wrong, but I just don't have the space in my life right now for that kind of interaction, but I wish you the best and am glad you are doing ok."

Long story short, while he did not like the text, he admitted she was spot on, and it kept him from taking advantage of her time.

I would suggest trying something like that. If you are spot on, you will save yourself a lot of headache. Eight years... that is a long time to not be in contact with someone. If she is really interested, you are going to have to put her through some filters, and I would start with something like that. But your invite to meet and her refusal, without suggesting another time, is a red flag that she is probably just attention seeking. Filter away! Best to you!

Edited August 24, 2023 by Samantha11

[glows]

What were the reasons for the break up 8 years ago? 

I wouldn’t make myself so available to chat via texting or messaging. Don’t get sucked into that black hole of a whole lot of nothing. 

There are so many of those go nowhere situationships where people refuse to make the effort to meet and spend time in person yet text continuously or build a false sense of intimacy.

You know she’s not at all interested in pursuing anything in terms of a “second chance” if she doesn’t meet with you or spend time in person. 

[Samantha11]

1 minute ago, glows said:

What were the reasons for the break up 8 years ago? 

I wouldn’t make myself so available to chat via texting or messaging. Don’t get sucked into that black hole of a whole lot of nothing. 

There are so many of those go nowhere situationships where people refuse to make the effort to meet and spend time in person yet text continuously or build a false sense of intimacy.

You know she’s not at all interested in pursuing anything in terms of a “second chance” if she doesn’t meet with you or spend time in person. 

Yeah, this... 👆👆👆

[Ageless Wisdom23]

Could be she is reaching out because she is Again, Interested in getting back together.  Go Slow though.🥰

[JTSW]

She has a bf so you should not be texting with her about meeting.

She is bored so she's looking for some extra attention, nothing more.

She is not looking to get back together so please don't get your hopes up about that.

7 hours ago, Samantha11 said:

"I am glad to hear that you are doing good. I may be wrong about this, but since I have not heard from you in a very long time, your text comes across as a bored plea for attention. Like I said, I might be wrong, but I just don't have the space in my life right now for that kind of interaction, but I wish you the best and am glad you are doing ok."

This is perfect.

Just don't get emotionally involved with her for the sake of her bf who loves her.

Think how you would feel if it was the other way around.

[Wiseman2]

12 hours ago, hmmmmm said:

. I asked her a few days ago if she wanted to meet up and she said "not tonight". Not 'I have a bf' but "not tonight" 

Have you asked her again? You seem to be hoping she's interested in getting together. Are you interested in FWB, hookups (whether or not she has a BF) or reconciliation? 

[JTSW]

8 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Have you asked her again? You seem to be hoping she's interested in getting together. Are you interested in FWB, hookups (whether or not she has a BF) or reconciliation? 

She continually mentions that she has a bf so I don't think that is what she wants. Pursuing her in any way would be very inappropriate.

Edited August 24, 2023 by JTSW

[ExpatInItaly]

Eh, be careful here. 

It sounds like she and the boyfriend have hit a rough patch but didn't break up, and she's going back through her roster to see who might give her attention and fluff her ego a bit. As long as she is telling you she has a boyfriend, you need to believe it. 

Don't fall into the trap of being her ego-booster. You will regret it when she works things out with her man and goes dark on you again. 

[hmmmmm]

I appreciate all of your comments! 

Does she have a bf? Idk, she claims she does but her fb says she doesn't. 

We broke up, really not sure 100% why, no one specific issue. She was just kinda always aloof. Her son was a big issue, and it may sound bad but he is severely autistic and he would bite, hit, destroy things, play with his feces and spread it on the walls. He was totally out of control.  she wouldn't really make an effort to control him or maybe just didn't know how, was overwhelmed, whatever. Another issue is she never unpacked. She moved in and left unopened boxes all over my house. Honestly she was a good woman, I think she was overwhelmed by her son and depressed. I initiated the breakup but it was never due to a personal problem with her.

I basically texted her and said "hey I'd love to see you again, lmk when your free" but she never responded. I don't wanna get dragged into some situation where I'm on the fence and unclear if she has a bf, nor do I want to confront her about her FB saying she is single. I don't want to get invested into this situation, and if she wants to meet up then I'll leave that up to her to initiate that.

Thanks again

[ExpatInItaly]

5 hours ago, hmmmmm said:

Does she have a bf? Idk, she claims she does but her fb says she doesn't.

Go by she herself says. Not her FB. 

5 hours ago, hmmmmm said:

I basically texted her and said "hey I'd love to see you again, lmk when your free" but she never responded.

Then that tells you all you need to know. .She was just using you for attention. 

[JTSW]

5 hours ago, hmmmmm said:

Does she have a bf? Idk, she claims she does but her fb says she doesn't. 

Not everyone likes to disclose their personal status on FB, so you can't go by that.

If she tells you she has a bf then believe it and respect it.

5 hours ago, hmmmmm said:

I don't want to get invested into this situation, and if she wants to meet up then I'll leave that up to her to initiate that.

She wont, she ignored your suggestion of meeting so that should tell you that she has no interest in doing that.

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, hmmmmm said:

 unclear if she has a bf, nor do I want to confront her about her FB saying she is single. 

If she tells you she has a BF, that's all you need to know. Technically if she's not married she's single so it's unclear why FB status is even in this equation.