Best way to have discussion on several weeks of withdrawal/disconnect with SO?

[JEG88]

I have noticed a shift in my SO's communication and behavior in the last several weeks. She has been occupied with work stress, social commitments, and planning for a week-long trip coming up. You get used to the small ways in which you communicate, I feel, so the shift in behavior has thrown me off. She isn't as affectionate in text, less frequent, less videos/notes that we usually send daily or multiple times a day. Even on Insta, she sends me less memes, less lovey ones, etc. Even the tone and wording in her texts is different. I know these aren't significant in the big picture, but like I said you get used to a certain way of communicating.

I have given her the space to be in her own world and focus on her things as such, but the longer this goes on, the more I'm feeling disconnected. Even when we see each other in person - we don't live together - I feel like she is less "present" mentally, like her attention is on everything else going on in her life. There have been periods in the past when she's been busy, but her behavior didn't change the way it has now.

How can I best bring up a conversation to discuss where her mentality is at? I'm feeling pretty down as her partner wondering if something deeper is going on, and finding it harder to be my usual self in return whether in text/video/call or in person. I'm wary of adding more to her mental plate with a serious discussion like this, but I feel like it's affecting how I am as her partner and my own mental energy. I don't want her to feel attacked or accused, I just need some clarity and reassurance I suppose. Advice appreciated.

[glows]

Do you mind me asking how old both of you are and how long you’ve been dating? 

I ask to get an idea of your life stages and how far along you are in the honeymoon stages. What you feel is valid and understanding one another and the ebb and flow of a longer term relationship is also key.

I would not bring this up to “discuss where her mentality” is at. I’m not sure if English is your first language as the way this is phrased can really put someone off or sound like an accusation. I know what you’re trying to say though and I think you’re on the right track trying to communicate. I would phrase any conversation about this with “I” statements such as “I’ve been feeling disconnected from you lately and miss our (insert inside joke or routine).” Ask her if there’s anything you can do to help or if she seems stressed ask her what’s stressing her out. Instead of focusing on her mentality by asking about it actually engage with her thoughts and emotions and see whether she opens up more.

[ExpatInItaly]

I think your concern is valid, OP. 

It's normal to be concerned when you notice a shift in your partner's behaviour. That doesn't necessarily mean there is a problem with the relationship, but it would be impossible not to be aware of a change like this. 

How long have you been together? 

[JTSW]

From looking back on your last post, you have only been together a few months?

Definitely and calmly inform her that you have noticed a change in her communication and just want to know if everything is ok. 

Don't mention 'mentality' because that wont go over very well. 

You have a right to know what's going on.

[JEG88]

8 hours ago, glows said:

Do you mind me asking how old both of you are and how long you’ve been dating? 

I ask to get an idea of your life stages and how far along you are in the honeymoon stages. What you feel is valid and understanding one another and the ebb and flow of a longer term relationship is also key.

I would not bring this up to “discuss where her mentality” is at. I’m not sure if English is your first language as the way this is phrased can really put someone off or sound like an accusation. I know what you’re trying to say though and I think you’re on the right track trying to communicate. I would phrase any conversation about this with “I” statements such as “I’ve been feeling disconnected from you lately and miss our (insert inside joke or routine).” Ask her if there’s anything you can do to help or if she seems stressed ask her what’s stressing her out. Instead of focusing on her mentality by asking about it actually engage with her thoughts and emotions and see whether she opens up more.

Both early 30s, dating a little over 6 months. We both work office jobs that can be long hours and stressful at times. A bit in hindsight, I feel maybe she has taken a step back to connect with friends and family after a while of not seeing them with other things going on. Over these last weeks, she’s had a bunch of social things with family and friends that she hasn’t seen in a while. I wonder if maybe she subconsciously feels we’re spending too much time together. We usually see each other Friday/Saturday and then one weeknight date. 

I’m trying to look at it from a benefit of the doubt perspective, since I don’t think she’s doing this intentionally at all. I’m totally on board with each of us having that separate social life, just would be good to clarify if that’s what is going on or not.

5 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I think your concern is valid, OP. 

It's normal to be concerned when you notice a shift in your partner's behaviour. That doesn't necessarily mean there is a problem with the relationship, but it would be impossible not to be aware of a change like this. 

How long have you been together? 

A little over 6 months currently. I feel like at this mark of time in a relationship, you would know the other person well enough to recognize when there is a change in the routine, tone, etc. I feel like that’s where I’m at now, a sort of sixth sense toward my SO.

 

[smackie9]

Communication is key in any relationship. Ask to have an honest conversation about her behavior. Sometimes it turns out to be nothing. 

[suckered]

I think this is a bad sign in such a young relationship.

[Wiseman2]

On 8/23/2023 at 11:32 PM, JEG88 said:

. She has been occupied with work stress, social commitments, and planning for a week-long trip coming up. we usually send daily or multiple times a day. Even on Insta, she sends me less memes, less lovey ones, 

It seems like on top of her getting busy with life, the relationship is settling in after 6 mos.  It does seem like too much time together and this level of texting seems a bit suffocating.

Try to relax and be confident. The flurry of the initial infatuation stage does settle down so try not to take any evolution in a relationship as a reason to panic and keep taking the pulse of it.

[JEG88]

6 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

It seems like on top of her getting busy with life, the relationship is settling in after 6 mos.  It does seem like too much time together and this level of texting seems a bit suffocating.

Try to relax and be confident. The flurry of the initial infatuation stage does settle down so try not to take any evolution in a relationship as a reason to panic and keep taking the pulse of it.

I thought about this being the case too. I always tell her I have no expectations about how quickly she texts back, sends videos, etc. We're both busy adults, but figure it's worth a check-in since I feel like it's been a prolonged break from our usual routine. I wonder if she just needs some time to sort of "breathe" from the relationship now that we're a bit more serious. Maybe that she's more secure in not necessarily needing that infatuation vibe. I've asked her if she thinks the time we spend together is appropriate or too much, and she always tells me she loves it. I would totally understand if she feels like things are settling in and we can talk about how we shift, would just want her to communicate that need. Otherwise, it leaves me guessing if there's a possibility that she is just slowly detaching or something.

[Gaeta]

On 8/24/2023 at 11:00 AM, JEG88 said:

she’s had a bunch of social things with family and friends that she hasn’t seen in a while. I wonder if maybe she subconsciously feels we’re spending too much time together.

Does she invite you to come along to these friends and family gatherings?

You said she's been different for weeks - How many exactly?

Usually at 6 months mark we jump deeper into our romantic relationship, we make a bigger commitment, we introduce family, we plan a weekend away etc. Withdrawing after 6 months doesn't sound good. 

I agree with the others that it's too much texting/videoing. It's nice to get a good morning from out SO but then you both concentrate on your work and reconnect in the evening.

 

[Fox Sake]

The only thing I would be paying attention to is the fact that something feels off. If you’re an intuitive type or good with pattern recognition, I would definitely be paying attention to what you’re seeing and hearing….or not seeing and hearing. 
 

Not to say that people can’t genuinely be busy, but if you’re not getting what you feel you need or deserve, then that has to be communicated. As another poster said tho, really not a great sign at the start. The communication you both have will be your test for all this. Not that I want to blowing smoke up your ass tho cos generally, it’s not a great sign when one person starts shutting down and fading out. An even worse sign of you feel you can’t approach or talk to them about it. 

[Alpacalia]

Lately, she's been more swamped and stressed. It might just be a temporary phase. Sometimes people need a little breathing room to handle stress before fully engaging with others.

For me and my partner, evenings are our time to connect. Our schedules don't always align, so it gives us some personal space. We also enjoy planning unique date nights to try new things together. If you're seeing each other three times a week and keeping in touch with phone calls and texting in between, that might be a bit much.

Regarding the six-month mark of your relationship, it seems like a time when you're nurturing passion and seeing intimacy grow. While the initial excitement might have toned down, a deeper kind of affection is bringing you both closer.

It's really what you're comfortable with. I think when you become more tuned into her emotional needs you know when she needs some time to herself or when she wants to talk about her bad day. Communication often paves the way for resolution and growth in relationships but you need to acknowledge not only her feelings but your own as well.

A lot of times people just need to be heard and feel loved.

[BaileyB]

On 8/24/2023 at 10:00 AM, JEG88 said:

A little over 6 months currently. I feel like at this mark of time in a relationship, you would know the other person well enough to recognize when there is a change in the routine, tone

I feel like that’s the time in a relationship when the initial excitement of a new relationship starts to decline as you settle into your relationship. People often have difficulty maintaining the kind of attention and texting of the early stages of a new relationship. It’s just not sustainable as the relationship progresses…

Just a thought, it could be a very normal and natural thing. But, if you are feeling disconnected, you should talk about it. 

Edited August 27, 2023 by BaileyB

[JEG88]

On 8/26/2023 at 7:05 AM, Gaeta said:

Does she invite you to come along to these friends and family gatherings?

You said she's been different for weeks - How many exactly?

Usually at 6 months mark we jump deeper into our romantic relationship, we make a bigger commitment, we introduce family, we plan a weekend away etc. Withdrawing after 6 months doesn't sound good. 

I agree with the others that it's too much texting/videoing. It's nice to get a good morning from out SO but then you both concentrate on your work and reconnect in the evening.

 

Not usually, I’ve met her family/friends a handful of times. And same for her meeting my circle. We haven’t discussed what that will look like with holiday time coming up, but would be interesting to see if she is hesitant to at least invite me. If she passes on that, I’d interpret that as a more damning sign that she is detaching/withdrawing from the relationship. She has been different for roughly 3 weeks now. 

I’m definitely more of a texter than she is, and we usually have nightly bedtime calls. So I think a part of it is, I need to check myself and not expect her to have the same energy or preference for texting as I do. And give her the benefit of the doubt that less texting isn’t a bad thing necessarily.

15 hours ago, Fox Sake said:

The only thing I would be paying attention to is the fact that something feels off. If you’re an intuitive type or good with pattern recognition, I would definitely be paying attention to what you’re seeing and hearing….or not seeing and hearing. 

I would consider myself very intuitive when it comes to shifts in my SO’s behavior. It’s the sixth sense thing, but at the same time I don’t want to call things out after a day, unless they are blatant enough. Otherwise, I would need to see it be a pattern for a few weeks before I have a dedicated conversation about it. In this sense, I’m able to gather enough instances where I can reinforce the feedback about how I feel.

14 hours ago, Alpacalia said: