Is my partner really unhappy?

[Fallen_Butterflt]

So me & my partner have been together nearly 10 years have 3 beautiful kids. I’m uncomfortable with the whole porn thing etc. I started to wonder why we had lack of intimacy and things like that every-time I tried to talk to him he would tell me is fine. We have generally always been very open technology wise like tablets and phones never had an issue going on each others phones as trust each other completely and wouldn’t ever doubt cheating. I was on his phone (not behind his back) found that he has watched porn and I just feel that this is the reason why he doesn’t seem interested in much with me anymore. Then recently I saw he seems to be typing away on his phone I opening asked him what he was doing and he just said typing with an AI. So last night he fell asleep on sofa and I was more curious than anything so I clicked on the AI apps and he has literally been Sexting with an AI but like he used to talk to me before we got together so it was really dirty etc. Things he said actually hurt me like he said it to a real person. And I confronted him about it last night, his words were it’s not real just a fantasy and stupid. He said it shouldn’t bother me. But it really does I told him this, But I just feel like he feels stuck with me in a relationship now and that a part of him wants to explore that again with someone other than me, that he’s using an AI to block out the thought of doing it with another woman cause he doesn’t believe in cheating. Why do I feel like I’ve trapped him in a relationship? I said to him I can’t keep dealing with this and he keeps doing different things for sexual desire of his own so I will let him be free to do what ever he likes and we can move on from our relationship he can go get what he really wants. He said he doesn’t want anyone but me, and that it was daft bla bla bla 

I now feel like he’s not happy, a part of me feels like he’s with me for the kids sake, even though I would never stop him seeing his children he’s an amazing dad, a part of me feels like he feels trapped, I’m insecure about my body looks etc but never believe he would cheat. I feel like I don’t make him happy anymore. I feel that the I love you is just words and he doesn’t mean it :/ what do I do? How do I shake these feelings? Or is he genuinely unhappy?

[JTSW]

He doesn't sound happy in the relationship if he feels the need to engage in porn and intimate talk elsewhere.

I know it's normal for men to look at porn and it's harmless but there are definitely bigger issues here than he's letting on.

He lacks communication which is important in any relationship.

Suggest couples counselling to him and if he refuses then this relationship may have come to an end.

Edited August 24, 2023 by JTSW

[Fallen_Butterflt]

I’m not great at talking my self. My last relationship before him I was 16 and was in a really abusive relationship so you can imagine how hard it is for me. 

Last night we talked but he seemed to just get not angry but a little frustrated that I was angry and hurt last night. After he fell asleep and I saw the AI thing I woke him up cause I can’t hold a grudge or stew over anything for long I have 3 kids that need our undivided attention and don’t need to see an argument so I literally woke him up. He says he didn’t see a problem with it has it’s harmless. 
 

More Insight to our relationship 

we actually met online, both wasn’t looking for a relationship just a friendship he had split with his ex and I managed to leave my abusive ex I was 20 at the time. We met up about a year of chatting, turning like sexting at times and really getting to know one another. When we met one thing led to another and been together ever since.

we both 100% trust one another and know we wouldn’t do anything behind each others backs. We have had a hell of a bumpy ride with things we have been through as a couple and as parents we have a disabled child. His family are also not been great on his mental health. We don’t argue in front of the kids.
 

We spend time together as a family not really as a couple unless kids are in bed as we can’t get anyone to have our kids. Not the kids fault but a lot of issues to why certain people can’t have them, I.e his mum is too ill, his brother is a lost cause more bothered about drugs and his sister has lost her kids to the care system. His other sister lost her partner to illness last year and she has a 3 year old her self and still struggling with grief. 

we help each other constantly with routines kids the house shopping everything

i do genuinely love me and through it all I do know he does me, just this lack of intimacy we did have a great sex life absolutely amazing and yes it lacked a bit since kids,

all in all, I don’t think really anything he has done bothers me because I’m the one he comes home to, I’m the one he kisses good night and good morning, my main this is I’m struggling to deal with the fact is, am i that’s the problem? Or is he unhappy? How do I talk to him about this sort of thing when it’s never happened before? How do I address it without my own demons inside causing false feelings of being scared and anxious because of a past relationship? I don’t know if I’m over exaggerating that he got frustrated a little last night only slight raised voice but sound more annoyed than anything. I feel I don’t know how altogether.
 

[JTSW]

23 minutes ago, Fallen_Butterflt said:

we wouldn’t do anything behind each others backs.

But he is. 

He is looking at porn and flirting with an I.A.

You're clearly uncomfortable and hurt by him doing this so if he truly loves and respects you, he would've stopped it all the moment you told him it hurts you.

He hasn't, and that's concerning to me.

He is the one with the problem here, not you.

He is seeking out other fulfilments that he's not getting in the relationship.

He isn't cheating but what he is doing is hurting you, and he doesn't seem to think it's a big deal.

Something is not right OP.

[stillafool]

It sounds like he still loves you but maybe no longer in love with you.  Everyone keeps talking about how visual men are, (as if women aren't), as if that gives their eyes permission to search for a pretty face and body to get off on.  I'm sorry you're going through this and it must be hurtful.

[Fallen_Butterflt]

The open thing did stop straight away, that wasn’t an arguement that was me getting mad he knew it had hurt me and not done that since. 
 

this other thing he deleted the app straight away as I do believe what he said but my main point is I want to address how he’s feeling why isn’t he happy cause I do want to know I just don’t know how too after nearly 10 years I thought I would know how to address something but never prepared really.

 

im still madly in love with the person I met all them years ago, he isn’t a bad person. He really isn’t, and an amazing dad to our kids and the support I’ve had from him through things I’ve gone through as been immensely huge.

 

just hurt at the minute… 

[mark clemson]

I think he's being honest in that he wants you as his relationship. It's just that he also wants leeway to explore fantasies of sex with "whoever he wants' (which is what the porn and AI chatbot are). He's drawn a line (nothing real) and sticking to it. If you think about it, a LOT of people, both male and female, probably do this in various ways. I suspect he would turn down opportunities for real, actual cheating with a real other person.

Since you're unhappy, I suggest you let him know that a) the chatbot is off limits since it really bothers you - it's too close to an intimate relationship, and b) I suggest you let him keep his porn use to himself. Don't going looking into it if it bothers you. AND insist that it not interfere with intimacy between the two of you. He can take a day off prior to you being intimate or similar.

I suggest you don't try to forbid porn or fantasizing entirely as it's probably a more significant source of "life satisfaction" to him than you realize. He'll likely just take it underground if you do. I've seen female posters here proclaim how their man didn't use porn, only to discover they were wrong, it was just being kept secret. There's no real reason to encourage that, nor is he forbidding you from reading romance novels or similar, should you choose to. IMO in this situation "don't ask, don't tell" is a compromise that actually makes sense, again, so long as it's not interfering with your real intimacy.

You might give couple's counseling a try, if feasible, as it sometimes helps to have a referee for difficult conversations that might get emotionally charged. If you do, I suggest an experienced counselor who genuinely specializes in couple's therapy. Also a very small, but real, % are wierdos or have agendas, so be sure it's one you like.

[Els]

7 hours ago, Fallen_Butterflt said:

I started to wonder why we had lack of intimacy and things like that every-time

It's a problem if it leads to lack of intimacy, yes. If you did have great intimacy and a good sex life, would you still be upset about porn/AI? IMO, you are probably focusing on the wrong issue. I'd talk to him about the lack of intimacy in general, without bringing up porn/AI, and see what he says.

[Fallen_Butterflt]

Thankyou for that

This is what I mean, it just hurts I think because of that thing, Just a bit all over the place. I don’t know if you read above but our relationship otherwise is fine. I’m total opposite to wanting to slate him because he is really is the love of my life and no not blindsided by that but he treats me better than most men do with women 

[MsJayne]

12 hours ago, Fallen_Butterflt said:

I’m insecure about my body looks etc

What's going on with this? Have you changed a lot physically through having kids or just as you've aged? Are you tied down by responsibility and don't really have the time to spend on self-care and doing what makes you feel good about yourself? I believe that if we don't feel attractive we don't put out the 'sexy vibe', and this, coupled with the responsibilities of family, especially with a disabled child who probably needs more attention and care, can drastically change the dynamics of the marital relationship. When the kids have to always come first a partner can end up feeling a little neglected even if they're right there by your side helping you. I don't mean sexually, I mean emotionally and romantically, because if we're not feeling the emotional connection with our partner it can make us withdraw in other ways. What he's doing is certainly not helping, but only he could tell you the real reason he's taken up this hobby. What's going on in the household when he's doing this, are you busy with the kids, cooking dinner, doing other chores, preoccupied with unavoidable responsibility? It sounds like you generally have a good relationship and he really does love you, so I would say it's fixable but only if he comes clean about his real reason for doing something which you've made clear you find hurtful. Suppose he told you that he loves you and would never leave you but that he no longer finds you physically attractive, how would you deal with that? 

[Acacia98]

17 hours ago, Fallen_Butterflt said:

I now feel like he’s not happy, a part of me feels like he’s with me for the kids sake, even though I would never stop him seeing his children he’s an amazing dad, a part of me feels like he feels trapped, I’m insecure about my body looks etc but never believe he would cheat. I feel like I don’t make him happy anymore. I feel that the I love you is just words and he doesn’t mean it 😕 what do I do? How do I shake these feelings? Or is he genuinely unhappy?

I don't feel qualified to answer your questions. But something in the discussion stood out to me. It's the fact that you're focusing almost exclusively on whether your partner is unhappy. But what about you? Are you happy/unhappy? For some reason, I feel that it is important that you voice your feelings about your relationship and that you spend a significant amount of time dwelling on them.

Edited August 25, 2023 by Acacia98

[basil67]

When you say that you have a lack of intimacy, just how lacking is it?  How many times a month would he be up for it?

I agree with what @Acacia98 says about you focussing on his feelings.  What about your feelings?  Can you verbalise to him (or us) how it makes you feel when he's choosing artificial sex over you?  

[Fallen_Butterflt]

Good evening guys,

firstly to the person who asked what’s going on when it’s was happening; it wasn’t during the day he is a hands on person with the kids the household chores we are literally 50/50 with the day to day stuff. Porn thing was a long while  ago and I let it go without really talking about it he knew it bothered me and hasn’t viewed it since. The AI thing as only been very recent. And it was happening when we would be chilling on an evening… not that secretive about it to be honest.
 

anyway

Thankyou for your input guys I took into consideration everything. Once we put kids in bed last night I sat down with him and spent a good few hours talking, no frustration between us but we talked ALOT. I expressed how I feel and what it looks like to me how he feels, we are now in a much better place IM in a much better place too. I asked him does he just love me or is he still in love with me and I trust him when he said he very much is. I told him how I feel and got it out there… 

I felt the need to put something on here instead of talking to a friend because no one knows me or my partner I’m not one to go and blab at every little thing and moan about my other half to people. I felt like I needed to just air stuff somewhere and get some guidance on what to do.

what I loved about my relationship is we are generally ok, don’t really argue are usually really open and no secrets. And as I said before I 100% trust him. We don’t hide where we are going or who with and general communication has never been a problem. We do ALOT together as a family and never choose stuff over us. Without going into too much I had the best sex I’ve had in a while last night, and defo know we have a spark back because I feel different and will gladly initiate it tonight! 

advice for others after this experience and blip communication is key, and I would highly recommend it. If you have the right partner then talking is easy. Considering we have been together nearly 10 years this is the first time we really had to have this type of conversation between us and damn it felt good. And we agreed we need to do it more. Things between us today are different and ALOT MORE positive. 
 

I would like to again say Thankyou to you all  

p.s I did go into the conversation with him preparing to end the relationship because if he even hesitated to tell me he is still in love me then I would of known he wasn’t. I wouldn’t have stayed hoping he would fall back in again because that would hurt me in the long run. I’m a very open minded person and not a stupid one everything I do and decide is for my children. If it was to be different and I knew he wasn’t in love with me then me staying would only make me more unhappy and put stress onto my children that they don’t need. 

 

 

[Fallen_Butterflt]

@Acacia98thankyou to you about making me realise about my own feelings too x

[S2B]

He didn’t say he was unhappy. So why is the title that he is unhappy?

if you feel this insecure and unhappy about things he does then maybe therapy would help you?

[Fallen_Butterflt]

57 minutes ago, S2B said:

He didn’t say he was unhappy. So why is the title that he is unhappy?

if you feel this insecure and unhappy about things he does then maybe therapy would help you?

The title is in the contact of being unhappy a lot… 

and after a few things in comments and taking a look at my self and my own feelings then maybe you are right.
But for now we have talked and it was a long deep heart conversations that we had and I have managed to be open about my own feelings and insecurities better than I ever have done my whole life. Since then we are in alot better place and really moving forward. 
therapy is also an option for the future and both agreed that if it comes to it then we will try