Not sure how to respond to boyfriend's behavior or comments

[Kissers]

Just moved in with my boyfriend a couple of weeks ago. He was previously married for 12 years and his wife died. I am 55 and he is 57. We dated when I was 17 and he was 19. We reconnected a few months ago and he wanted me to move in with him and his 2 dogs. He drinks whiskey in the evening and gets a little toasted. He doesn't exercise, so he has put on weight and has high blood pressure which causes erectile dysfunction. He contacted his physician for medication for ED, so no problem. Plus, we are both in the process of getting back in shape. He's always joking around and is very sarcastic but it is with humor. Well, the past few nights he has been a little toasted and makes comments that I'm not getting any sex, then last night he said he didn't take a pill for the ED and I guess he just wanted to snuggle. It's been 2 weeks since we've had sex and I'm starting to wonder what is really going on. He said last night he was turned on then if I made a comment he didn't like he got snarky and would say something like well, you just ruined getting any. I'm a very patient person, so I plan on focusing on work and school and letting him figure out what he needs to figure out. When he makes snarky comments, should I say something? I can't think of a comment I could make to maybe enlighten him about his behavior and the situation. Any ideas would be greatly appreciated. I really do love and care about him and want our relationship to work out.

[BaileyB]

I’m curious to know if you were aware before you moved in that he drank too much and could be quite sarcastic/mean/disrespectful? 

I ask because I think you moved in far too quickly. And now, you are trying to “fix” problems that are hard to fix - 

This is supposed to be the “honeymoon” of the relationship when you are both on your best behavior. If you are seeing these kind of warning signs now, I would be concerned that it will get worse with time.

I think the only thing you can do is talk to him, perhaps enlist the assistance of a couples therapist. But truly, you need to decide if this is acceptable behavior in a relationship and if it’s not, you have a decision to make. 
 

Edited August 24, 2023 by BaileyB

[Wiseman2]

20 minutes ago, Kissers said:

Just moved in with my boyfriend a couple of weeks ago. We reconnected a few months ago and he wanted me to move in with him and his 2 dogs. 

Sorry this is happening. Way too much too soon. Please move back to where you were. He's not who you remember and has multiple damaging behaviors. 

[JTSW]

I agree that this relationship moved incredibly fast.

I'm inclined to believe that he wanted you to move in out of loneliness. 

I encourage you to talk to him about his treatment of you and how you feel disrespected.

I don't think he is over his wife, and he likely never will be.

He likely just wanted companionship so he isn't alone.

Edited August 24, 2023 by JTSW

[ExpatInItaly]

Why did you agree to move in so quickly?

36 minutes ago, Kissers said:

if I made a comment he didn't like

What sort of comment? 

[Kissers]

6 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Why did you agree to move in so quickly?

What sort of comment? 

We have a lot in common. We both lost our partners and we always got along well. He said, "I'm trying to have sex with you" and my response was, "You didn't even take a pill" which he told me he didn't, so then he says I ruined it, which is not true. 

My second job is scheduling me to work more and my classes have started, so I'm taking a step back and will tell him that he needs to figure out how he wants to live the rest of his life because he doesn't seem happy. I'm getting as healthy as can be by seeing a therapist, working out, and eating healthy. He can follow my lead or let go.

[Ami1uwant]

3 minutes ago, Kissers said:

We have a lot in common. We both lost our partners and we always got along well. He said, "I'm trying to have sex with you" and my response was, "You didn't even take a pill" which he told me he didn't, so then he says I ruined it, which is not true. 

My second job is scheduling me to work more and my classes have started, so I'm taking a step back and will tell him that he needs to figure out how he wants to live the rest of his life because he doesn't seem happy. I'm getting as healthy as can be by seeing a therapist, working out, and eating healthy. He can follow my lead or let go.

Can you get him to stop the alcohol.

[Kissers]

Just now, Ami1uwant said:

Can you get him to stop the alcohol.

No. Only he can do that. 

[ExpatInItaly]

Just now, Kissers said:

We have a lot in common.

And that was the reason you moved in with him too fast? I get that you dated a long time ago, and already know each other, but you zoomed straight past the courtship phase this time and go too comfortable too quickly, it seems. It would have been wiser to see how you two do as a couple for a while, and then decide if you want to make a bigger commitment by living together.

Anyway, it appears there are a lot of issues coming to the surface: he isn't in great health and he drinks too much. He also gets rude and disrespectful. 

I would urge you to consider what you want from a relationship. It sounds like the idea you had of him no longer matches the reality. 

[Wiseman2]

12 minutes ago, Kissers said:

No. Only he can do that. 

That's true. Unfortunately he has a host of mental and physical health problems you can't fix, nor try to.

Keep yourself healthy and start looking for places to live or move back. He'll only drag you down with time.

Unfortunately you're not compatible and rushed into things. See if this helps:

  https://al-anon.org/newcomers/self-quiz/adult-quiz/

Edited August 24, 2023 by Wiseman2

[Ami1uwant]

5 minutes ago, Kissers said:

No. Only he can do that. 

You can advize him.  This is a big issue thst you can end it over.

[Kissers]

7 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

That's true. Unfortunately he has a host of mental and physical health problems you can't fix, nor try to.

Keep yourself healthy and start looking for places to live or move back. He'll only drag you down with time.

Unfortunately you're not compatible and rushed into things. See if this helps:

  https://al-anon.org/newcomers/self-quiz/adult-quiz/

I was in Alanon for 7 years. My husband was an alcoholic who committed suicide in 2011. 

[stillafool]

26 minutes ago, Kissers said:

. He said, "I'm trying to have sex with you" and my response was, "You didn't even take a pill" which he told me he didn't, so then he says I ruined it, which is not true. 

I don't understand, if he said he was trying to have sex with you why didn't you just go with it instead of asking about the pill?  Did you want to have sex at that time or not?

[Kissers]

3 minutes ago, stillafool said:

I don't understand, if he said he was trying to have sex with you why didn't you just go with it instead of asking about the pill?  Did you want to have sex at that time or not?

He told me beforehand that he didn't take a pill which means he can't have sex.

[stillafool]

3 minutes ago, Kissers said:

He told me beforehand that he didn't take a pill which means he can't have sex.

I would have let him try to have it without reminding him that he needs the pill.  Stopping to go get a pill makes one lose the moment.

[Kissers]

1 minute ago, stillafool said:

I would have let him try to have it without reminding him that he needs the pill.  Stopping to go get a pill makes one lose the moment.

It doesn't work without the pill at all. It's caused from blood pressure medication.

[stillafool]

16 minutes ago, Kissers said:

It doesn't work without the pill at all. It's caused from blood pressure medication.

Has he talked to his doctor about that medication?  His doctor can change it to one that won't cause ED.  Alot of men have to have their blood pressure meds changed for that reason.

[Kissers]

4 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Has he talked to his doctor about that medication?  His doctor can change it to one that won't cause ED.  Alot of men have to have their blood pressure meds changed for that reason.

He has talked to his doctor and was prescribed medication for ED.

[ExpatInItaly]

Were you aware before you moved in that he is a regular drinker? 

[smackie9]

IMO you are better off just being friends. 

[Alpacalia]

Oh man your antenna should have gone up the minute he suggested moving in with you. That was a trap! No mature male adult would mix you up in that. Ask him if he was hoping to escape his late wife's memory with a new relationship and if that is his aim with you. He needs to move out and get his ducks in a row. Him living with you now has you at a HUGE DISADVANTAGE because you are financially dependent on him and he has a much better grip on the dynamics of a relationship. You set yourself up. 😔

He has no real respect for you because you had him moved in and he is using you as a crutch.

Edited August 24, 2023 by Alpacalia

[Kissers]

33 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Were you aware before you moved in that he is a regular drinker? 

I knew he drank, but didn't know the how much.

[Kissers]

17 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

Oh man your antenna should have gone up the minute he suggested moving in with you. That was a trap! No mature male adult would mix you up in that. Ask him if he was hoping to escape his late wife's memory with a new relationship and if that is his aim with you. He needs to move out and get his ducks in a row. Him living with you now has you at a HUGE DISADVANTAGE because you are financially dependent on him and he has a much better grip on the dynamics of a relationship. You set yourself up. 😔

He has no real respect for you because you had him moved in and he is using you as a crutch.

I moved in with him and work 2 jobs, so I can support myself and don't need to depend on him. I am not certain if he is over his late wife or not. I suppose a little more time will reveal a lot more.

[ExpatInItaly]

3 minutes ago, Kissers said:

I am not certain if he is over his late wife or not.

How long ago did she pass? 

[Kissers]

4 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

How long ago did she pass? 

12 years ago