Not sure how to respond to boyfriend's behavior or comments

[Alpacalia]

12 minutes ago, Kissers said:

I moved in with him and work 2 jobs, so I can support myself and don't need to depend on him. I am not certain if he is over his late wife or not. I suppose a little more time will reveal a lot more.

Does he contribute to expenses or are you doing it all yourself? How do you both feel about that? Clearly he isn't making sound decisions when he's over-imbibing, and that's impacting the relationship.

Edited August 24, 2023 by Alpacalia

[Kissers]

1 minute ago, Alpacalia said:

Does he contribute to expenses or are you doing it all yourself? How do you both feel about that? Clearly he isn't making sound decisions when he's over-imbibing, and that's impacting the relationship.

It's his house. I contribute to expenses. He's actually highly intelligent, but his alcohol consumption or depression is causing him to behave improperly.

[Alpacalia]

8 minutes ago, Kissers said:

It's his house. I contribute to expenses. He's actually highly intelligent, but his alcohol consumption or depression is causing him to behave improperly.

Yes, it sounds like he's not very happy with himself and he's taking it out on you. My observations has been that in most cases, they don't want to be helped, they want to be the help-ER. Do you feel safe and respected in this situation? If the answer is yes then your best bet is to just ride it out and focus on your own activities until he's ready to talk about it. If the answer is no, then, well, that's a tough one - it might be time to consider another direction. If you're involved with an alcoholic or someone with a substance use disorder then there are organizations and professionals that specialize in that and could provide some guidance.

Edited August 24, 2023 by Alpacalia

[Kissers]

5 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

Yes, it sounds like he's not very happy with himself and he's taking it out on you. My observations has been that in most cases, they don't want to be helped, they want to be the help-ER. Do you feel safe and respected in this situation? If the answer is yes then your best bet is to just ride it out and focus on your own activities until he's ready to talk about it. If the answer is no, then, well, that's a tough one - it might be time to consider another direction. If you're involved with an alcoholic or someone with a substance use disorder then there are organizations and professionals that specialize in that and could provide some guidance.

Thank you. I might start attending Alanon meetings again. I think I will just ride it out and see what happens while I focus on my own activities. Thank you for your feedback. It is greatly appreciated.

[Lotsgoingon]

Look, we all make decisions that don't turn out to be great.

So get out there, find a new place to live and move out. This is not complicated. This guy is a disaster.  He can't be a good dating partner for you. 

Start looking for a place to live. The sooner the better. 

 

[Kassieee]

I don't think the issue is you moved in too soon, or any of the other hoopla...

He has ED, imagine how that must make him feel. You questioning his pills when he's ready to get it on hurts his feelings and it comes off as aggression. You both need to learn how to communicate with eachother when it comes to that issue.

[BaileyB]

I think sex is only the topic of discussion over which you are currently fighting. There is a lot more going on here that is going to make this relationship unsustainable over the long term… Sex being only one problem in this relationship. 

He sounds like a bit of a complicated mess and the fact that you have things in common would not dismiss the other problems for me - because his drinking, his poor health, his disrespect would be HUGE problems for me. 

[Kissers]

21 minutes ago, SlimShadysWife said:

I don't think the issue is you moved in too soon, or any of the other hoopla...

He has ED, imagine how that must make him feel. You questioning his pills when he's ready to get it on hurts his feelings and it comes off as aggression. You both need to learn how to communicate with eachother when it comes to that issue.

He brought up the fact he didn't take a pill. I never said anything about it. Then, he makes sparky comments for the past week and a half that I'm not getting any when I haven't even mentioned sex. It's not an arousal problem. It's a medication problem. 

[BaileyB]

21 minutes ago, Kissers said:

He brought up the fact he didn't take a pill. I never said anything about it. Then, he makes sparky comments for the past week and a half that I'm not getting any when I haven't even mentioned sex. It's not an arousal problem. It's a medication problem. 

It’s an attitude problem. And a respect problem. 

[Kissers]

16 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

It’s an attitude problem. And a respect problem. 

His behavior is very disrespectful and not conducive with having a healthy relationship. I'm just going to do my own thing for a while and then leave if things don't change. Sad it has to be this way, but I really have no other choice.

[stillafool]

21 hours ago, Kissers said:

His behavior is very disrespectful and not conducive with having a healthy relationship. I'm just going to do my own thing for a while and then leave if things don't change. Sad it has to be this way, but I really have no other choice.

If  you already know his behavior is disrespectful and not conducive to a healthy relationship why stick around for more abuse?  Just start looking for your own placee to live.

[Lotsgoingon]

and then leave if things don't change. 

This is like saying I will leave if a squirrel starts to talk.  Things will not change. This is it! What you're in right now is it. 

[Ageless Wisdom23]

Perhaps an excuse in fear he won't satisfy you and is now feeling self conscious about his body and so forth.  You both need to talk.😦

[Gaeta]

@Kissers: I am the same age as you. At our age we have experienced our share of pain. It's time for us to enjoy the result of our hard work, and it's time to use the wisdom we gained along our journey. Is that really what you want to be dealing with at 55? Another alcoholic, a man dealing with depression, a man that is passive-aggressive, inconsiderate, disrespectful? There is nothing to love here, you got caught up in the what it used to be, and what it could become, but it's far far far from what you wanted for yourself at this point in your life.

You have earned the right to be respected, treated with consideration, to be loved with patience and as long as he doesn't offer you that you will not grace him with your presence. It's time to move out. 

[NuevoYorko]

On 8/24/2023 at 10:02 AM, Kissers said:

His behavior is very disrespectful and not conducive with having a healthy relationship. I'm just going to do my own thing for a while and then leave if things don't change. Sad it has to be this way, but I really have no other choice.

Why would you put more time into this?  It's fairly new, your lives are not extremely intertwined, you can leave this behind before it drags you down any further than it already has.

His ED is probably the least of your problems.  

As @Gaeta said,  being caught up in "what could be" is not a safe place for you to be, especially at your age.  I too am your age peer.  It's very clear every day of my life that time ahead is limited.  Unlike when we were younger, we cannot look forward to unlimited time to change our paths and develop newer, better relationships.  Our time for that is NOW.