My B/U situation

[Lubecke]

About 9 months ago I started dating and met “Matt” at his job. I felt instant connection and the second time around, he asked for my number so I said yes. He was divorced 2 years prior and it was an amicable divorce. They had two kids. She (the ex wife) had already moved on and her bf  was moving in with her, and I met her tand she was pretty good to me. Matt told me that they were mostly just friends in their marriage and the romance had died long ago. I always wanted a big family so I of course was all in to include the kids in our lives and be supportive in any way possible. 
 

we talked and decided to move in together (bad idea). I realized while living together that he was so dependent on the ex wife for everything . He has no family in this state just the ex wife and her family so he constantly went to her for issues or problems. I told him during our relationship that he should include me now that we were together and not the ex wife. It bothered me but I hoped in time it would get better. I was the main breadwinner so that bothered me and he constantly complained about his financial situation, (the ex wife didn’t ask for child support for the kids at all, they both agreed bc the ex wife makes very good money). He rarely sees his kids (one of twice a month at most) which I tried not to get involved but I encouraged him to have the kids over or for him to see the kids often. I created a resume for him, and encouraged him to open up his options. 
he had some failed interviews and didn’t even try hard and gave up.

 

He became depressed and I picked up the emotional slack for both of us. I did way too much. I took care of the house, cleaned every day, made sure the major bills were paid (he just paid half rent) and I paid the rest of the bills. 
 

I grew to feel he was becoming a burden and I spent more time trying to fix our issues than enjoying our relationship. We tried couples therapy and it helped only a little while, but his patterns returned. He wasn’t putting effort to get help for his depression, and I was left taking care of everything plus being his cheerleader to get him to do anything and keep himself afloat emotionally. The intimacy was lacking the passion, I grew to regret moving in with him, so January this year I finally couldn’t take it anymore and broke up with him. He was devastated. He said I was the love of his life, he saw forever with me but I told him that I didn’t realize how dependent he was and I tried everything to make it work but I was running on fumes and I just couldn’t keep going. I was getting burned out. I have a high powered finance job so I had a lot on my plate, plus I’m going to school. He said he wanted us to the a family and saw us having kids in the future. I told him I wanted kids but he wanted to wait a long time before he wanted them, and I didn’t want to wait that long (3 years at most).

 

we just weren’t compatible. In conclusion our lease at the townhouse ends end of august and he still hasn’t found a place to move into. He’s been looking for houses but hasn’t found anything and spends his days off wallowing and crying all day that he has to move out, that I broke his heart and that he’s still in love with me. I can’t even begin to heal and move on because although we are broken up, I’m still trying to from a distance support him and encourage him. 
he is def dragging his feet but he has nowhere to go and I don’t have the heart to throw him out. 

im trying to be patient and understanding. I know he’s doing his best to cope with it all. But also trying not to be the caretaker all over again. Im exhausted and ready to be alone, heal; recoup  and get myself in a better frame of mind. I’m doing my best. I don’t like causing  people pain, I’m an empath but I also know that I have to do what’s best for me and we just aren’t working. 

 

 

[Wiseman2]

31 minutes ago, Lubecke said:

 January this year I finally couldn’t take it anymore and broke up . In conclusion our lease at the townhouse ends end of august and he still hasn’t found a place to move into. 

Sorry this happened. Definitely too much to soon.  Are you still living together? Unfortunately you took over a caretaker and mothering role inadvertently enabling his lassitude and dependency.

Please ask him to go to social services for help with housing, food stamps, medical care, employment opportunities and training.

You're not responsible for him or his social worker. He can be assigned a caseworker who can assist him. He can also get enrolled in appropriate mental and physical healthcare programs. 

Please step back, point him in the right direction to get him the help he needs. 

Edited August 24, 2023 by Wiseman2

[Lubecke]

2 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this happened. Definitely too much to soon.  Are you still living together? Unfortunately you took over a caretaker and mothering role inadvertently enabling his lassitude and dependency.

Please ask him to go to social services for help with housing, food stamps, medical care, employment opportunities and training.

You're not responsible for him or his social worker. He can be assigned a caseworker who can assist him. He can also get enrolled in appropriate mental and physical healthcare programs. 

Please step back, point him in the right direction to get him the help he needs. 

Thank you, he does have a full time job it just doesn’t pay too well. His job is pretty much his only priority in life it seems and everything else is too much for him and overwhelmed him easily due to his severe depression.

I def agree too soon lesson learned. And yes he is still living w me and has assured me his goal is to be moved out soon because I have kept pressuring him to keep looking and that I want my place back. 

 

[Wiseman2]

8 minutes ago, Lubecke said:

 he is still living w me and has assured me his goal is to be moved out soon because I have kept pressuring him to keep looking and that I want my place back. 

 

That's unfortunate. Keep in mind you're not a homeless shelter or mental health facility. 

Please discontinue paying for everything. Please research the housing laws in your area. Tell him in writing that he needs to move out.

Unfortunately you make have to formally evict him but you need an appropriate paper trail. You're not really "broken up" if he's living with you and you're supporting him.

He "hasn't found anything" because he's not looking and doesn't have to. He could contact friends family and look for affordable rooms/housing but he seems to prefer a parasitic lifestyle.

Edited August 24, 2023 by Wiseman2

[MsJayne]

No prizes for guessing what caused his marriage breakdown.  His ex-wife's so glad to be rid of him that she's willing to let the child support go, she probably knew he wouldn't pay it anyway. You already know that the problem with being empathetic is that we're way too kind, so you need to stop feeling sorry for him. Start by telling him that if he's still there after the end of August he'll be responsible for half of everything because you're not carrying him any more. The idea of actually paying their way is usually enough to make the career parasite disappear in a cloud of dust. Leave lists of chores for him, refuse to listen to his problems, when he's swimming around in self-pity inject plenty of toxic positivity, (ie; make light of his issues and then change the subject), invite other guys around or go out on dates. Sounds cruel, but taking the 'comfort' out of the 'comfort zone' is always a good way to oust a parasite. He obviously has serious self-esteem issues and that's most likely what holds him back in life, but it's not your job to fix it, it's his. As you already know, as long as you're willing to carry his bag of crap for him, he won't carry it himself. I really feel for you, I've been in a similar situation, (not living together, but still found myself hosting a parasite), and I remember feeling absolute revulsion at having to jolly along a big man-baby. 

[Lubecke]

28 minutes ago, MsJayne said:

No prizes for guessing what caused his marriage breakdown.  His ex-wife's so glad to be rid of him that she's willing to let the child support go, she probably knew he wouldn't pay it anyway. You already know that the problem with being empathetic is that we're way too kind, so you need to stop feeling sorry for him. Start by telling him that if he's still there after the end of August he'll be responsible for half of everything because you're not carrying him any more. The idea of actually paying their way is usually enough to make the career parasite disappear in a cloud of dust. Leave lists of chores for him, refuse to listen to his problems, when he's swimming around in self-pity inject plenty of toxic positivity, (ie; make light of his issues and then change the subject), invite other guys around or go out on dates. Sounds cruel, but taking the 'comfort' out of the 'comfort zone' is always a good way to oust a parasite. He obviously has serious self-esteem issues and that's most likely what holds him back in life, but it's not your job to fix it, it's his. As you already know, as long as you're willing to carry his bag of crap for him, he won't carry it himself. I really feel for you, I've been in a similar situation, (not living together, but still found myself hosting a parasite), and I remember feeling absolute revulsion at having to jolly along a big man-baby. 

You’re 100% right on everything here. Yes the ex wife’s bf (I’m sure they will marry he’s a very good guy) is very active w the kids, raising them as his own, helps out w everything related to the kids whereas my ex only sees them once or twice a month because “I’m too sad and they prob don’t need me anyway”. The fact he doesn’t have to pay child support tells me the ex wife wanted to make sure she has full custody since my ex clearly can’t be reliable. Little did I know this of course he painted a goood picture to me when I met him. 
 

and as an empath my biggest downfall is being the “take on other people’s pain and fix them” I’ve had to learn the brutally hard way I cannot keep doing this to myself. 
 

I haven’t started dating or anything because truly I’m too tired to engage anyone new and I’m too traumatized from this experience that it’s going to take me a while to heal fully. I think back and realize he’s in love w how taken care of he is by me. 
 

I begged him throughout our relationship to go to therapy for his depression I even offered to pay, and he still refused which was the final nail on the coffin. It wasn’t until after the break up he finally started going but it’s way too late and there’s no chance of ever reconciling with him for sure. 
 

him having to be on his own (he’s 30 and I’m 29) will be a brutal awakening for him. He’s never had to live on his own before he got married at 18. And I’ve lived on my own since I was 16, so I’m a survivor and know how to deal with a lot of hardships and overcoming working 3 jobs way back when to afford school and rent.  He’s been living under other peoples money and reliance of dependency so long I don’t think he knows how to even be by himself. But yes, I am forcing him to lay half of all the bills and told him he needs to be out by end of September or I’ll move out myself and he can get stuck w the townhouse lease. 

[MsJayne]

11 minutes ago, Lubecke said:

I am forcing him to lay half of all the bills and told him he needs to be out by end of September or I’ll move out myself and he can get stuck w the townhouse lease. 

Excellent. Be brutal. If you've been looking after yourself since 16 I take my hat off to you, and I hope you find someone who's your equal because you deserve it  . 

[Wiseman2]

28 minutes ago, Lubecke said:

 told him he needs to be out by end of September or I’ll move out myself and he can get stuck w the townhouse lease. 

Did you lease it together? Is he on the lease? A tenant? That changes things dramatically as far as getting him out. Asking him to pay his way is appropriate. 

Take this time, not to fix him but to reflect why you would tolerate such a situation and why you jumped into this so fast. 

[Lubecke]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Did you lease it together? Is he on the lease? A tenant? That changes things dramatically as far as getting him out. Asking him to pay his way is appropriate. 

Take this time, not to fix him but to reflect why you would tolerate such a situation and why you jumped into this so fast. 

Unfortunately we are both on the lease and he requested more time bc of finances to move out so I added him for extra time on the lease w me but w the understanding he can’t stay longer than a month after the lease is over. 
 

def not trying to fix him. Just overwhelmed with trying to get him to move out and be fully on his own so I can move forward. I’m def taking time to heal and I think I didn’t get to know him well enough before we jumped into it too fast. Def take accountability for that. 

[Lubecke]

1 hour ago, MsJayne said:

Excellent. Be brutal. If you've been looking after yourself since 16 I take my hat off to you, and I hope you find someone who's your equal because you deserve it  . 

Thanks not sure I want to get into anything at all. I’m quite happy alone I was alone for 3 years before entering this relationship. I can function just fine but of course I always hope I can find someone that’s compatible. 
 

 

that being said I have been seeing him look into houses more and more but I need him to pull the trigger already and decide 

[Lubecke]

UPDATE:

 

I finally had the difficult convo of approaching him and asking what time frame he’s planning on leaving he said he doesn’t have one. So I’ve decided to move out myself and him stay on the lease.

 

he blamed me for everything, breaking his heart, making him have to even think of moving, and said he had been looking at houses bc he wanted his kids to come over I said you can do that anywhere. He said that his kids were too loud to be at the apt which are nothing but excuses because he can go see them anytime at the ex wife’s house. They can come visit at the apartment he just doesn’t like to deal w the ex wife’s boyfriend. That’s no longer my problem. 
 

now onto looking for places! 

[Wiseman2]

7 minutes ago, Lubecke said:

. So I’ve decided to move out myself and him stay on the lease now onto looking for places! 

That's a great solution.  It's good you're washing your hands of this situation. Avoid the guilt tripping and manipulation.  Good luck with your new place. 

[Lubecke]

1 minute ago, Wiseman2 said:

That's a great solution.  It's good you're washing your hands of this situation. Avoid the guilt tripping and manipulation.  Good luck with your new place. 

Thank you I def can’t wait to be by myself again. Doing my best to not feel terrible because I’m way too nice 

[JTSW]

On 9/1/2023 at 6:29 PM, Lubecke said:

he blamed me for everything, breaking his heart, making him have to even think of moving

 I burst out laughing at this.

He's just angry that that he has to look after himself now.

He has to learn how to be an adult for once.

[Lubecke]

18 minutes ago, JTSW said:

 I burst out laughing at this.

He's just angry that that he has to look after himself now.

He has to learn how to be an adult for once.

Yes. He’s been avoiding me acting out by giving me the silent treatment. I also brought up the fact he’s very messy and I’m not his maid and refuse to clean up after him. He storms off and pretty much said he’s tired of being my punching bag. I was shocked! I said for telling you the truth? That’s not being a punching bag that’s me finally giving you a hard pill to swallow and it’s called truth. 

[JTSW]

1 minute ago, Lubecke said:

Yes. He’s been avoiding me acting out by giving me the silent treatment. I also brought up the fact he’s very messy and I’m not his maid and refuse to clean up after him. He storms off and pretty much said he’s tired of being my punching bag. I was shocked! I said for telling you the truth? That’s not being a punching bag that’s me finally giving you a hard pill to swallow and it’s called truth. 

Perfectly said. Well done.

He's acting like a spoiled kid that's been told by his mother to clean up his room lol.

[Lubecke]

1 minute ago, JTSW said:

Perfectly said. Well done.

He's acting like a spoiled kid that's been told by his mother to clean up his room lol.

That’s what my therapist said in a more professional way and my friends that know my situation said the same thing. He’s upset he finally has no choice but to grow up be on his own, and have to adult like all of us have been.