Have I left it too long to admit to cheating once?

[Hollanday99]

I kissed a girl and fingered her when drunk at a party. The guilt I’ve felt has been immense. Drinking is not excuse. That is another issue of mineS But I’m not looking for sympathy, I just want to improve even if that means losing my partner forever. I’ve been tossing it up with keep it to myself and love her forever and improve. Or be honest and hope she takes me back. But then I am just lying and I need to be open and trustworthy in order to be with her. For my own and more importantly her own sake. Right now I couldn’t imagine a life without her and I want to marry her, have kids and go the full way. I am crying myself to sleep as I’m about to break her heart to absolve my own guilt and possibly her ability to ever trust me or any other men. But I believe that hurt can’t be worse than me lying for any longer and I’ve got to own up for once my life and face consequences. 
 

She has a right to know. I’m just struggling on how to approach this in the correct way? I cheated about 4 months ago with an old flame (fwb). I have not been the same since. It made me realise how much I truly love the woman I am with now: Ironically, despite the shame and regret I have actually been a worse partner since the incident as I have been projecting towards her due to subconsciously trying to justify my own wrong doings. So I discovered I have also been a gaslighter.  Which has been a projection of my self, especially when I’m drinking to keep my guilt away: She has been cheated on before by serial cheaters. Which initially justified me not telling her as I was “protecting her feelings” or so I thought. Selfishly it was to stay with her as I can’t bare the thought of losing her.
 

Recently I lost someone really close to me and it’s made me reflect on everything, my mistakes, the future etc, I am officially at breaking point. If I could turn back time I’d of told her right away after the incident but I was a coward. I’ve always been jealous, needy and a sensitive guy. I have been cheated on before and I know how it feels. It is f***ING horrible. I feel worse knowing I’ve become this person and wonder if I’ll ever be happy if she leaves me. 

 

Any advice opinions or similar experiences can you please let me know and any woman who can guide me on how to approach this? Should I just leave and not tell her why, or should I tell her honestly and hope for a miracle? 

[JTSW]

1 hour ago, Hollanday99 said:

Any advice opinions or similar experiences can you please let me know and any woman who can guide me on how to approach this? Should I just leave and not tell her why, or should I tell her honestly and hope for a miracle? 

She will eventually pick on on the fact that something is bothering so it's probably best to get it off your chest.

Maybe leave out the part where you touched the girl.

Just tell her you made a mistake of sharing a kiss with a girl a while ago while drunk and you have regretted and hated yourself for it ever since.

Relay what you said about how it just instantly made you realise how much you love her and want to marry her and have babies with her.

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, Hollanday99 said:

 I couldn’t imagine a life without her and I want to marry her, have kids and go the full way. I am crying myself to sleep as I’m about to break her heart to absolve my own guilt .

How long have you been together? How old is she? Unfortunately it doesn't seem to like you're ready to be in a committed relationship. 

[ExpatInItaly]

13 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Unfortunately it doesn't seem to like you're ready to be in a committed relationship. 

I agree. 

I think you need to break up with her and be alone for a while, OP. You're not in any place to be a boyfriend at this time. 

[BaileyB]

4 hours ago, Hollanday99 said:

Should I just leave and not tell her why, or should I tell her honestly and hope for a miracle? 

If you tell her, the admission had best come with a plan of how you are going to become a better man and never do this again. Individual counselling AND and substance abuse counselling/abstinence program should be a part of that plan. Without that, I would not be able to trust that you are a safe partner and this would never happen again. Without these things, your admission would be little more than words to alleviate the guilt you are feeling…

I tend to agree with the above posts otherwise, you have a lot of work to do on yourself before you are ready for a serious relationship. Good luck. 

Edited August 25, 2023 by BaileyB

[basil67]

Telling her won't absolve your guilt - it will only serve to hurt her.  Keep this to yourself and become a better man

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, Hollanday99 said:

I kissed a girl and fingered her when drunk at a party. .I’m drinking to keep my guilt away.

Why cause more damage on your way out? Simply explain you need to work on yourself and aren't ready for a relationship and set her free. 

In the meantime focus on your health and well-being and sobriety. See if this helps:

https://www.aa.org/self-assessment

[Hollanday99]

I will add it was around the time we became exclusive that I had cheated. I actually stopped almost immediately and told the girl I was making a mistake. I wish I could turn back time 😔

[JTSW]

20 minutes ago, Hollanday99 said:

I will add it was around the time we became exclusive that I had cheated. I actually stopped almost immediately and told the girl I was making a mistake. I wish I could turn back time 😔

Like I said, she is going to eventually pick up the fact the something is bothering you.

Women know when something isn't right.

[MsJayne]

Sounds like you've woken up to yourself and that's great. Yes, tell her, admit that you've been gas-lighting her, admit that you've been projecting, but be aware that you're confessing to emotional and psychological abuse of another person. She may forgive you and be able to move on, but maybe not. She probably deserves someone who wouldn't behave like that in the first place, ie; someone who actually loves her rather than someone who only thinks he does. 

[mark clemson]

16 hours ago, Hollanday99 said:

 Should I just leave and not tell her why, or should I tell her honestly and hope for a miracle? 

Those are obviously not your only two options. If you're really so against cheating, why did it happen in the first place is something you might wonder about. And now this immense guilt trip?

To me it seems what's really going on is that you are finding ways to sabotage your relationship by putting yourself in this (supposed, since it really isn't one) "bind". The "guilt trip" you are on and the personal drama it generates covers up the real dynamic, which is that unconsciously you're uncomfortable enough about being with this "love of your life" that you found a way out when the opportunity arose. You are also pushing her away with the emotional nastiness.

If you "have to" tell her, tell, but you might consider talking to a therapist about the dynamic here. Else you might wind up finding some OTHER way to sabotage things again, further down the road. Whether she forgives you and that's with her or the with next one.

Edited August 26, 2023 by mark clemson

[S2B]

Since you say you’ll do anything to never do this again - does that means you won’t drink again?

since you carry so much guilt, yes, tell her…she deserves to know since you want to marry her.

do counseling to fully understand why you did this - AND how NOT to do it again.

[Hollanday99]

10 minutes ago, S2B said:

Since you say you’ll do anything to never do this again - does that means you won’t drink again?

since you carry so much guilt, yes, tell her…she deserves to know since you want to marry her.

do counseling to fully understand why you did this - AND how NOT to do it again.

I haven’t been drinking for the past month. And it’s only now my brain is sobering where the guilt is setting in. I told her I want to quit alcohol but she drinks a lot which makes it difficult. My family has a line of alcoholics too and I’ve always had a problem with that before meeting her 

[Hollanday99]

27 minutes ago, S2B said:

Since you say you’ll do anything to never do this again - does that means you won’t drink again?

since you carry so much guilt, yes, tell her…she deserves to know since you want to marry her.

do counseling to fully understand why you did this - AND how NOT to do it again.

I am trying to quit. Currently one month sober. It’s hard as she likes to drink a lot 

[Hollanday99]

13 hours ago, basil67 said:

Telling her won't absolve your guilt - it will only serve to hurt her.  Keep this to yourself and become a better man

Do you think I should stay with her? I don’t want to lose her but I feel like it’s not up to me at this point. I am torn 😔

[Lotsgoingon]

What strikes me is that your guilt would fit that of a serial killer. I mean you are really hard on yourself. If you're this hard over this matter, then there's no room for increasing your self-judgment if you do other things.

Sounds like you have a drinking problem. And no, it's not an excuse, but you would do well to lower all this guilt and concentrate on not drinking or dramatically cutting your drinking. One month sober isn't much if you aren't in therapy or in some kind of accountability group--some person or some people you check in with about the drinking. Right now, your ability to not drink is fueled by all the guilt and self-judgment you feel. That will die down in time. What's going to prevent you from drinking then?

I mean, yes, lots of people do quit alcohol alone. But here's the problem. You're going to make some other kind of mistake (doesn't have to do with the relationship) and you're going to be SO guilty that guess what? --you're stressed, which makes it more likely you'll drink! 

You also need to be careful about making a Madonna out of your gf. You don't know if she kissed a guy at a party or so on. And she really may not want to know what you did once as long as it's not a pattern.   You may be projecting all kinds of things (we do this early on) onto her. 

Seriously, ease up on that guilt and get clear on what your drinking pattern is and how you can break that pattern. 

 

 

[S2B]

2 hours ago, Hollanday99 said:

I haven’t been drinking for the past month. And it’s only now my brain is sobering where the guilt is setting in. I told her I want to quit alcohol but she drinks a lot which makes it difficult. My family has a line of alcoholics too and I’ve always had a problem with that before meeting her 

I notice you didn’t really answer my question.

you NOT drinking has nothing to do with whether or not your wife drinks.

[glows]

I’d rather know my ex was a cheater than break up, suspecting it and never trusting him again (even as acquaintances or friends) and the thought of him inducing projective vomit. If an ex confessed to cheating I’d at least accept that bit of decency as a last show of respect before going our separate ways. There would be forgiveness from one human being to another but no, I would never trust you again as a romantic partner. You have to do your own work on yourself and figure out why you do what you do.

Honesty is always best. She’ll see you as you (for who you are even in your mistakes and failures) instead of some illusion. That would bring real healing and also hopefully provide a catalyst for her to do her own soul searching and understanding on WHY she keeps dating cheaters. Hiding all of this doesn’t do anything but keep feeding illusions of what you think you are or what she thinks you are. Neither of you are ever facing the truth or learning to avoid your mistakes again.

[glows]

Does your partner know you’ve cheated or slept with the old flame or fwb or shared saliva, made out, touched etc this other woman? Please get checked and encourage your partner to get checked for STDs. I’ve seen too many cases where long time partners have unsuspectingly contracted illnesses/diseases from cheating situations. This goes beyond what is going on in your mind or all that guilt tripping. If you care one iota for this woman you say you want to be with I’m assuming you also genuinely care about her overall well-being and her health.

[basil67]

7 hours ago, Hollanday99 said:

Do you think I should stay with her? I don’t want to lose her but I feel like it’s not up to me at this point. I am torn 😔

If you think that you won't ever do this again, give yourself a fresh start.

However, I'm worried about you trying to be sober while your partner is a big drinker.  As someone who's simply trying to cut back, I find one of the biggest temptations is seeing my partner having a drink without me.  It's so much harder to be sober with temptation all around. 

[BaileyB]

12 hours ago, Hollanday99 said:

I am trying to quit. Currently one month sober. It’s hard as she likes to drink a lot 

I would say that you are incompatible. You need to surround yourself with people who support your sobriety. 

[Wiseman2]

12 hours ago, Hollanday99 said:

I am trying to quit. t’s hard as she likes to drink a lot 

Please end it. It could solve a host of issues. The guilt plus getting rid of a drinking buddy is the first step to successful sobriety and turning your life around.

[Hollanday99]

On 8/26/2023 at 6:25 AM, Wiseman2 said:

Please end it. It could solve a host of issues. The guilt plus getting rid of a drinking buddy is the first step to successful sobriety and turning your life around.

Update: I have told her. She was really upset and hurt but she said she is happy I was honest with her. She said she is going to take a break which I am really sad about. I am praying she can trust me again even if it takes time. She said she isn’t sure if she wants to proceed with this relationship but she is too upset to consider it right now. My guilt has now turned to shame and I can only hope this works. I hope she can see me in a new light and as someone who is willing to change. I will update here in the future. Thank you for helping me make the right decision. She has gone to stay with her parents for the time being and I will take the time to focus on myself and staying sober