do NEVER MARRIED men ever change their minds?

[Sam2020]

Ive been dating a younger man (53) for about three months now. I'm in my 60's, divorced for about 8 years.  This man is the first man in all those years that I'm actually attracted to and very interested in going forward.  At this point, we are beyond just dating.  He stays overnight, his family knows about me and I just met one of his friends recently.  He's always been very attentive and brings little gifts and such.  But he has a negative view on marriage because of what one of his (divorced) friends has told him throughout.  His own parents were married until his dad passed on earlier this year.  His sister is married to the same guy, never divorce.  

My questions is this:  Do men in particular, get married for the first time after 50 if they have a negative view on it in the past?  One of my friends said no, he's at an age that he's been single for too long and is happy so he'd want to stay single.  On the other hand, another friend feels that the "right" women could make him want to get married.  It's so confusing!  I really like him so much, so NO I won't end it.  I realize that I may be hurt in the end of this but as this point, I'm willing to continue this relationship for now.  Why do I even want to get married?  Because I prefer saying those vows with a piece of paper that makes it legally binding.  I'd sign a prenup, I don't need his financial support.  But I WANT to be a Mrs. Xxxxx one day.  

Another thing is neither of us has ever used a "pet" name like sweetie, babe, sweetheart.  Pretty much all the older guys I've dated used a pet name after a few weeks of dating.  So I'm not sure why that is with us.  I won't use a pet name first, and I won't say those other three little words first either.  Although I"m not there yet, but I do feel strongly toward him. 

Thoughts?

[Gaeta]

What's the point of being legally binded if you sign a prenup that basically cancels those legal terms?

[Wiseman2]

29 minutes ago, Sam2020 said:

 he has a negative view on marriage. I WANT to be a Mrs. Xxxxx one day.  

Talk to your financial advisors. Since you are close to collecting social security, you'll have to carefully weigh your options.

See what your retirement portfolio looks like. Do you own your house? Are you two roughly in the same financial situation? Does he work? Is he in good health?

Why is he mostly hanging out at your place? Are you still upset he is not as "gentlemanly"  as your ex husband? What do your adult children and friends and family think of him? 

Since your friends are telling you conflicting stories, why not get objective advice about the wisdom of marrying at your age. Since you don't want to break up and he doesn't believe in marriage, perhaps you two can come up with a domestic arrangement one day in the future.

 

[Gaeta]

33 minutes ago, Sam2020 said:

I won't use a pet name first, and I won't say those other three little words first either.

About the pet names: why not? If it's important to you then let it out, lead by example.

Pet names are important to me so l was the one using them first. First time l used mon chéri (l'm French) my bf grabbed his chest and said it felt like an arrow through his heart lol, (he's a bit of a clown) he started using pet names from there. 

As for the ILY,  as a woman l have always waited and l think men know that first ILY is on them. 

You say he was never married but was he in a long term relationship before? Did he live with a woman before? Does he have children?

[FMW]

Anything is possible, and there are of course instances of men marrying for the first time after the age of 50.  Basing his choice to not marry on stories from a friend is kind of odd - usually it requires a personal bad experience, either self or parents.  But if anyone tells you they don't want to get married, regardless of their age, I would believe them.  It's more likely than not that they will not marry, regardless of how much they love you and see you as a great partner.  My suggestion would be to make sure you are truly ok with not marrying if you plan to continue the relationship.  Don't stick with it hoping he'll change his mind.  

As for pet names, I've never been in a relationship where we used pet names and I'm 58.  I love hearing my guy say my name, for me it's better than any generic honey/babe/sweetie that other couples use 🙂.

[ShyViolet]

39 minutes ago, Sam2020 said:

At this point, we are beyond just dating.  

I'm not sure what this means.  You have been dating this guy for three months.  You are not "beyond" dating.  You are just dating.

40 minutes ago, Sam2020 said:

 But he has a negative view on marriage because of what one of his (divorced) friends has told him throughout.

I take this to mean that he has told you he does not want to get married?  If so, then stop trying to analyze him based on generalizations of what "men" do.  He's an individual person, and he has straight out told you that he doesn't want to get married.  Listen to him and respect what he has said.  Sitting around hoping he'll change his mind will be a waste of your time.  You could just enjoy this relationship for what it is.

[mortensorchid]

I am in the same boat as you are.  Been with a few in the past and they said they will never get married then they marry the next one after treating me badly.  And they all got divorced - save for one who is still married to the next one and the other who refuses to ever get married and remains so.  I am with someone now who says he isn't keen on it but we have only been together for a little over a year and neither me nor him are thinking in those terms.  I knew another gal who told her man they were getting married and they did because she pressured him, but they are divorced now.  So... I can tell you that I want to be a Mrs Someone someday and you do as well... But just see what happens.

[Alpacalia]

I'm not into marriage myself so I'm unable to answer your question about whether or not men in their 50's will get married again after having a negative view on marriage in the past.

However, I can say that if you like this man and feel strongly toward him that it never hurts to try. You can continue to show your feelings and let him know that he's the one you want to be with and that if he ever feels the same you would like to make things official. That being said, don't be disappointed or get hurt if the relationship doesn't end up in marriage.

You two have already established a great relationship as more than just dating, so that is wonderful.

[basil67]

You're barely into a relationship....it's way too early to be wondering about marriage.   That said, if marriage is super important to you, then I wouldn't spend time with a guy who's cynical about it.

[Sam2020]

3 hours ago, ShyViolet said:

I'm not sure what this means.  You have been dating this guy for three months.  You are not "beyond" dating.  You are just dating.

I take this to mean that he has told you he does not want to get married?  If so, then stop trying to analyze him based on generalizations of what "men" do.  He's an individual person, and he has straight out told you that he doesn't want to get married.  Listen to him and respect what he has said.  Sitting around hoping he'll change his mind will be a waste of your time.  You could just enjoy this relationship for what it is.

In my world, just dating is nothing beyond first base.  So we are exclusive, slept at each others place and met people in each others circle.  

He has never told me he doesn't want to get married.  He just said the reason he's never gotten there is because what he's heard from others "is not positive".

[Sam2020]

3 hours ago, Gaeta said:

What's the point of being legally binded if you sign a prenup that basically cancels those legal terms?

I disagree. A prenup would allow him to keep the business and rentals that he owns. He has no children.  I would pass my home on to my son.  Not saying we would have only separate accounts, but most likely one joint account for everyday things and more.  Most of my friends have one joint as well as separate accounts. I know he wouldn't make me paying my "share".  He's very generous and quite loving and attentive on a daily basis.  

 I would never say ILY first.  

Edited August 29, 2023 by Sam2020

[Sam2020]

3 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Talk to your financial advisors. Since you are close to collecting social security, you'll have to carefully weigh your options.

See what your retirement portfolio looks like. Do you own your house? Are you two roughly in the same financial situation? Does he work? Is he in good health?

Why is he mostly hanging out at your place? Are you still upset he is not as "gentlemanly"  as your ex husband? What do your adult children and friends and family think of him? 

Since your friends are telling you conflicting stories, why not get objective advice about the wisdom of marrying at your age. Since you don't want to break up and he doesn't believe in marriage, perhaps you two can come up with a domestic arrangement one day in the future.

 

He has way more than I do.  A lucrative business, several rental properties, plus some other ventures that he's adding to his portfolio.  

I'm already taking my SS and having a large enough savings account to NOT have to dip into my IRA for several years.  

He stays with me because I have a pet and prefer to be home to care for my pet.  

NO, I'm not and have never been "upset".  That was just a curiosity and wanted input.  It's in the past, so let it rest please.  

My son and the rest of my family is happy when I'm happy...and I'm happy.  THIS is just another curiosity that I want input for.  That's all it is.  

My relationship is only 3 months old so there's a LOT more to learn about each other.  So I'm willing to see what happens.  Three months is a short time to really know.

I don't care what others are doing at "my age". I'm not them and they are not me.  I need to do what's right for me.  

[Sam2020]

3 hours ago, FMW said:

Anything is possible, and there are of course instances of men marrying for the first time after the age of 50.  Basing his choice to not marry on stories from a friend is kind of odd - usually it requires a personal bad experience, either self or parents.  But if anyone tells you they don't want to get married, regardless of their age, I would believe them.  It's more likely than not that they will not marry, regardless of how much they love you and see you as a great partner.  My suggestion would be to make sure you are truly ok with not marrying if you plan to continue the relationship.  Don't stick with it hoping he'll change his mind.  

As for pet names, I've never been in a relationship where we used pet names and I'm 58.  I love hearing my guy say my name, for me it's better than any generic honey/babe/sweetie that other couples use 🙂.

He hasn't said he doesn't want to get married.

He just said why he hasn't at this stage in life. 

I already feel that I do want to marry on day.  With this one, I'm willing to see what pans out...at least for a little while.  

Yeah, as for pet names...it was just an odd ball question. 😬  Curious since every single other guy called me "sweetie" or something, lol.

[Sam2020]

45 minutes ago, basil67 said:

You're barely into a relationship....it's way too early to be wondering about marriage.   That said, if marriage is super important to you, then I wouldn't spend time with a guy who's cynical about it.

Yes, I know it really early.  That's why I will NOT leave at this point.  Things could change, one of us could decided the other one is not who we want to be with.  Who knows.  I'd give this 6-12 months to really get to know one another in a much greater capacity.  For now, I'll just enjoy his company since he does make me smile.

[Alpacalia]

Why are you so sure after three months that you want to marry him?

[glows]

You clearly are a flutter with butterflies thinking about him and can literally see the hearts beaming out of your eyes if I visualized this thread - everything is shiny, bright, alluring and new. Enjoy this lovey feeling and the newness.

Get to know one another a bit more and be comfortable opening up conversations like this that require more vulnerability and more communication for both of you.

If you feel you both have tried this and he brushes this topic aside and is negative or appears to have a negative outlook, he’s not interested in this topic and maybe doesn’t see himself with you long term. I don’t know the tone or depth of which this topic was discussed - random offhand comments here and there or a heartfelt and thoughtful discussion? 

It’s fine to fantasize about marrying a new guy as well if this is the case for you. I think you know it’s premature but enjoy day dreaming about it and that’s perfectly fine.

 

 

Edited August 29, 2023 by glows

[ExpatInItaly]

3 hours ago, Sam2020 said:

In my world, just dating is nothing beyond first base.  So we are exclusive, slept at each others place and met people in each others circle.  

Does he have the same view? I am not saying your definition is wrong since this is very subjective, but for many people what you are doing is still "just dating." I am wondering if he agrees that just dating is nothing beyond first base. 

Anyway, if he says he doesn't want marriage, you need to believe him. Not everyone does. I don't either (woman here, 42 years old)  It has nothing to do with bad experiences in my case. I just don't particularly like the traditional notions and legal ties it comes with.  I've got a long-term partner who shares my views and we are content. And yes, my parents have been married for a long time and nearly all my friends and family members are married. That's fine for them, but it's not something I want for myself. Your man sounds similar. 

If you are definitely hoping to get married again someday, it's unlikely to be to this man. You could continue and see how things go, as anything is possible and he may have a change of heart. But give yourself a mental timeline for how long you would be willing to date if marriage is not on the table. 

[Wiseman2]

9 hours ago, Sam2020 said:

  One of my friends said no, he's at an age that he's been single for too long and is happy so he'd want to stay single.  On the other hand, another friend feels that the "right" women could make him want to get married.  

Perhaps ask a few more of your friends and family who have met him what they think. Since it has no bearing at this early point and you like him enough to keep seeing him, maybe time will tell if things will last.

[Gaeta]

8 hours ago, Sam2020 said:

I disagree. A prenup would allow him to keep the business and rentals that he owns. He has no children.  I would pass my home on to my son.  Not saying we would have only separate accounts, but most likely one joint account for everyday things and more.  Most of my friends have one joint as well as separate accounts. I know he wouldn't make me paying my "share".  He's very generous and quite loving and attentive on a daily basis.  

 I would never say ILY first.  

But that was my point. A prenup cancels some of the legal aspects of marriage. If you don't have a prenup what he's building and what you're building during your marriage will be split. A prenup cancels that. 

I did not tell you to say the first ILY. I told you to use sweet names if it's something important to you. It doesn't matter who says sweetheart first. You've been dating 3 months, he's loving and generous, throw the man a sweet name here and there! It's OK! Especially you said he's generous!

Has he ever been in a long term relationship? If this man is 53 and went from short term relationship to short term, I doubt he will settle at all. 

[Els]

If they were 23? Probably. 33? Maybe. 53??? Not a chance in hell.

That being said, I'm a bit concerned that you might be making more out of this dating situation than it actually is. At 3 months together you're not even halfway through the honeymoon phase, the "best behaviour" phase of dating. You're not living together and not even in what most people would consider a long-term relationship yet. Why do you describe your relationship as "beyond dating", and why are you so certain you want to marry him? You barely know him! Sleeping over at each others' house and meeting each others' friends are very normal dating activities.

Just slow your roll IMO, and see how things go. The vast majority of 3-month dating relationships don't end in marriage... and that's okay. It's all part of the experience, of learning about yourself and the other person.

[smackie9]

This is why we date...to find out if they fit your expectations/goals/plans. Marriage is important to you, he's saying no. End it. Don't be one of those who sits on their hands in hopes they will change their mind. You are in your 60's, you don't have that time to wait and see.

[mark clemson]

17 hours ago, Sam2020 said:

My questions is this:  Do men in particular, get married for the first time after 50 if they have a negative view on it in the past?  

Thoughts?

Men change their minds all the time, particularly when young - and the  "it's time to settle down" mindset change is common enough to be cliche.

That said, after 50, I'd suspect this is much less likely. It's always possible, but the guy is very accustomed to and comfortable with being single. If he sees negatives to being married, well - why should he do so then?

So in your specific case, if he's said he's not interested and you're hoping for a change of heart - well, TBH, I think your chances are pretty slim.

Some people are quite comfortable with the "at a safe distance" relationships that perma-dating/not marrying results in.

Edited August 29, 2023 by mark clemson

[Wiseman2]

18 hours ago, Sam2020 said:

 But he has a negative view on marriage because of what one of his (divorced) friends has told him throughout.  

It seems like he mentioned this upfront in order to not lead you on or get your hopes up. After dating just 12 weeks it's an interesting disclaimer. At 53 it seems he could have married at any point in his life, but chose not to, perhaps to protect his assets, perhaps he just doesn't want to be tied down.

Edited August 29, 2023 by Wiseman2

[Sam2020]

13 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

Why are you so sure after three months that you want to marry him?

I'm not sure.  It's just me looking into future possibilities.

I'm curious as to the why's and how's of these types of things.

Having been with the same man for over 20 years, this dating thing is still a bit of a learning experience for me.  Especially since this man is the first real interest I've had in the past 7-8 years. 

 I can be a bit neurotic about things and I like to have input to balance out my thoughts.  

 

[Sam2020]

10 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Does he have the same view? I am not saying your definition is wrong since this is very subjective, but for many people what you are doing is still "just dating." I am wondering if he agrees that just dating is nothing beyond first base. 

Anyway, if he says he doesn't want marriage, you need to believe him. Not everyone does. I don't either (woman here, 42 years old)  It has nothing to do with bad experiences in my case. I just don't particularly like the traditional notions and legal ties it comes with.  I've got a long-term partner who shares my views and we are content. And yes, my parents have been married for a long time and nearly all my friends and family members are married. That's fine for them, but it's not something I want for myself. Your man sounds similar. 

If you are definitely hoping to get married again someday, it's unlikely to be to this man. You could continue and see how things go, as anything is possible and he may have a change of heart. But give yourself a mental timeline for how long you would be willing to date if marriage is not on the table. 

He has not stated that he doesn't want marriage.  He simply answered my question of why he hadn't gotten married at this point.  I'm not ready to ask since it's still very early on to really know if he is truly the person for me long term.  I'm simply wondering since he is the first one I have had any real interest in since my divorce.  For now, I like his attentiveness and how he makes me feel.  If it goes past 10-12 months, we shall see how I feel at that point.