Destiny0225 Posted August 30, 2023 Share Posted August 30, 2023 I need to someone to vent to. I am in a very unique situation and I do not and can not turn to anyone. I have been having a long, several years A with my best friend. We are both married and both of our families are close like family. Is there anyone I can talk to? Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted August 30, 2023 Share Posted August 30, 2023 Hi Destiny, how can we help you? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Destiny0225 Posted August 30, 2023 Author Share Posted August 30, 2023 The first couple of years was great and I accepted or so I thought of the fact that this is how it’s got to be, part time lovers and all. But the thing is, he can’t actually tell me he loves me, he has told me from the start. He doesn’t want to get TOO emotional attached to the point where he astray from wife and the possibility of losing his kids. Which, I understand and I would never end that to happen to him! I love his kids and his wife is like a sister to me. I know this is crazy but I would never want to see her hurt or his kids, at the same time my husband and our kids as well! There is way too much at stake and we are in so deep, I am completely in love with him and I know he has the same feelings for me, he shows them through actions but can’t say them. We work together and are around each other practically every day! We message each morning before work, we message each-other after work and before bed. We are best friends, our families go on vacations together and also hang out! The problem is, he tells me to just let life be but I’m a very emotional person and I would love to actually hear those words that he loves me! He says he cares for me very much, but all I want is to be loved too, I want to be able to be loved in return. I know his actions show, but I would love to hear it. How do I separate our “marriage lives” from our A? I start to see myself getting jealous and hurt over the stupid stuff and that’s not me and that’s not how I want this relationship to be. Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted August 30, 2023 Share Posted August 30, 2023 (edited) Your problem stems from trying to achieve the impossible. If he's not comfortable expressing his love for you, then you need to either accept this or end the relationship. Likewise, you cannot separate your two lives because they are so intertwined. Do you have any concept of how two faced it sounds when you say his wife like a sister to you? Look at how you're repaying her kindness Edited August 30, 2023 by basil67 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted August 30, 2023 Share Posted August 30, 2023 (edited) 2 hours ago, Destiny0225 said: I would never want to see her hurt or his kids, at the same time my husband and our kids as well. Does your husband love you? Do you love him? This man just wants a fling. He already mentioned he loves his wife and his family too much to lose them. Please talk privately and confidentiality with your therapist about this obsession and see if you can sort things out. Edited August 30, 2023 by Wiseman2 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted August 30, 2023 Share Posted August 30, 2023 6 hours ago, Destiny0225 said: How do I separate our “marriage lives” from our A? You can't. As you can see, this affair is not going to become the emotionally-satisfying relationship you want it to be. It won't ever be that. Since you can't make him say the words you want to hear, and this situation is hurting you, ask yourself if this is all really worth it. You feel a cetain way, and he does not. He's not as deep in his feelings about this as you are, and he's keeping you away (so to speak) for a reason. How do you envision this all ending up? What are you going to do if your spouses find out? Since that is always a risk, I am curious to hear what your Plan B is if your marriage explodes. Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted August 30, 2023 Share Posted August 30, 2023 I’m not condoning affairs and this is not a “how to” but I believe some may be better able to compartmentalize - this sort of thing is does not cause a huge ripple effect over other areas of life because of the ability to segregate items or issues like an affair. He’s one way with you and one way with his wife. He’s rationalized this as a way of life and he’s content with that. Saying I love you means nothing in the bigger scheme to him. He still has his wife and family and he has you as an AP, no big deal. Unfortunately you desperately needing to hear you’re loved probably stems from some deficit in your marriage and your own self-worth. For ie why do you not inherently know you’re loved? Why is it not felt deep within you any hour of any time of the day? I think you know you’re living a lie in your marriage if the spark is gone and both of you are only roommates or together for the kids. He doesn’t feel that way because he knows he is loved and his wife values him - he knows where he needs to be. I’m sorry this is happening. Keep writing if it helps although I strongly suggest exploring other options. Your marriage may be over (who cares what this other guy/AP/bestie is doing in his marriage). Maybe it’s time to ask those difficult questions about you and yourself and think outside the box. Don’t keep hemming yourself in with the same old ideas and traditions for ie about marriage. If you can’t support yourself should you separate then think of a plan. The problem is you not him. You want more. He is fine with status quo. You are the one unhappy. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted August 30, 2023 Share Posted August 30, 2023 4 hours ago, glows said: Saying I love you means nothing in the bigger scheme to him. Either that, or saying I love you means a lot to him - it is the line that he has decided that he can not cross. It is perhaps the only way that he has decided to compartmentalize this affair. The last bit of respect that he holds for his wife when he has betrayed her in quite literally every other way. You play with fire here, and I think you know it. If my friend, my “sister,” was having an affair with my husband all the years while we carpooled together, vacationed together, shared our lives together and I discovered that betrayal - that is a hurt so deep, it would change who I am and how I trust for the rest of my life. I find it interesting that you have put your spouses and your children at risk here, and your question is “I’m hurting because my affair partner won’t tell me that he loves me.” 4 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted August 30, 2023 Share Posted August 30, 2023 I think he won't tell you he loves you because he doesn't. He cares for you but doesn't love you. He loves his wife and kids but is stuck in the affair with you. There are probably times where he hates himself and you for what you two are doing to your spouses and kids. You do know that your luck will not last forever. Sooner or later it will run out and you will be caught. The pain will be so great that it will be debilitating. Hope you have the strength to end it before that happens. You will not end up being with him because when his wife leaves him reality will set in and he won't even want be able to look at you and won't make you his girl because he knows that you have no problem cheating. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
BreakOnThrough Posted August 30, 2023 Share Posted August 30, 2023 Another one I imagine when they read these doses of reality will be gone with the wind. Link to post Share on other sites
JTSW Posted August 30, 2023 Share Posted August 30, 2023 He can't say he loves you because he doesn't. This will never be what you want it to be and it's only a matter of time before you get found out. Someone posted something very similar a while back, where she and her husband, best friend and her husband were so close like this. They both had kids and she began an affair with her best friends husband that went on for a few years. His wife eventually found out and he broke it off with the OP, choosing his wife. The poster thought that if she left her husband that the other guy would be with her, but he didn't. So she found herself a single mother, lost her husband, best friend and AP. If you don't want to lose anyone here in your circle then you know what you have to do. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted August 30, 2023 Share Posted August 30, 2023 (edited) OP, it’s clear why you would want to hear the words and why you are feeling hurt that he will not tell you that he loves you, you have clearly invested a lot in this relationship. The challenge we are having here is that you have invested your heart and your mind in a man and a relationship when it’s pretty clear from an outside perspective that you are bound to be disappointed. I ask sincerely, would it be enough if he said that he loved you? Or, like most everyone else, would you want “more?” Would you be able to live happily ever after, sleeping next to your husband every night and having his wife and children in your home if he said the words that he loved you? What is it about those words that makes you want them so badly - so much so that the title of this post is “falling apart?” Does it validate your relationship? Does it boost your self esteem - the fact that he loves you as much or more than his wife? I’m curious, what do you tell yourself about hearing these words that makes you want to hear them so badly? Yes, it’s a dose of reality to post here for sure - but, I don’t think you are particularly served if people hold your hand and join the delusion that what you doing here is some kind of beautiful love story. It’s not. It’s immensely hurtful to your families - whether they know about the affair yet or not. So, while there is support on this site for you the answer may not always be what you want, or are ready, to hear. Edited August 30, 2023 by BaileyB 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Lovetorn5 Posted September 12, 2023 Share Posted September 12, 2023 I am here to say that you are not alone as I am in a similar type of Affair. It hurts so much having no one to talk to. I think we are addicted to our affair partners and it’s nearly impossible to stop. Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted September 12, 2023 Share Posted September 12, 2023 At this stage you’ve already caused harm to many, including her and her kids. what do you plan to do to change it? Link to post Share on other sites
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