dumped and isolated

[HeartNPA]

My AP’s wife found out about a previous affair.   She was gracious and forgiving, so he decided to end things with me a try to fully commit to her. 
 

I know it was the right thing, but I really loved him and I already miss the way he loved me.   And I don’t have anyone to talk to about it. 
 

I’m so tempted to text back to his breakup texts and try to get the validation that he loved me and cares that I’m hurting,  but I’m also afraid of being ignored and disrespectful. 
 

Just looking for  community with someone that has been through it 

[semble]

He's back with his wife, she is his primary concern and focus, it is to her with whom he made a lifetime commitment.

It's reasonable to figure that you'd be ignored.

The problem is you sort of think of him as "yours" when he was always "hers".

[HeartNPA]

25 minutes ago, semble said:

The problem is you sort of think of him as "yours" when he was always "hers".

Thank you for your perspective.  Truth is, though, I really never did think he was ever mine.  I always told him and knew this would happen.  I think it’s just the isolation of him being the only person I’ve ever talked through this experience and feelings with - and suddenly not having anyone. 

[Starswillshine]

You need to find validation within yourself. What can you trust from a man who lies and betrays? They are words he can type in a message but do they truly mean anything? 

You are worthy to be loved. That is all you need to know. And you need to find that validation within yourself. 

[BaileyB]

Indeed, when you find validation within the words of your affair partner will not mean anything anymore…

I hope you have a counsellor. If not, I would suggest that you find a counsellor for yourself - if you are able to do so.

That said, there is a huge hole right now in your life. I believe you when you say that you miss the way he made you feel. As one feels when they lose any relationship (ie a breakup or the death of someone close), you will feel lonely and isolated for a while. I would suggest that you look for other sources of connection - reinvest in other relationships with family and friends, build a new relationship with a new friend or (when you are ready) go on a date, take a class, learn a new hobby, plan a trip! Distraction is important at times like this and the only way that you will move forward is to look forward, not backward. 

There is the connection that you have with others that will keep you afloat right now… but, more important, is finding yourself at this time of transition and figuring how you want to move forward to find your own joy and happiness…

Good luck. 

Edited August 30, 2023 by BaileyB

[HeartNPA]

36 minutes ago, Starswillshine said:

You need to find validation within yourself. What can you trust from a man who lies and betrays? They are words he can type in a message but do they truly mean anything? 

This is such helpful insight.   I guess it’s difficult to sift through the heartbreak, guilt and shame to find loving validating words for myself. 

[HeartNPA]

26 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

Indeed, when you find validation within the words of your affair partner will not mean anything anymore…

I hope you have a counsellor. If not, I would suggest that you find a counsellor for yourself - if you are able to do so.

That said, there is a huge hole right now in your life. I believe you when you say that you miss the way he made you feel. … you will feel lonely and isolated for a while. …Distraction is important at times like this and the only way that you will move forward is to look forward, not backward. 
…

Gah!  So much helpful insight, thank you! 

I can appreciate that the validation would be shallow, and I’m glad I didn’t seek it out. 
 

I do have a therapist and we have a meeting schedule for Friday.   She also told me to distract myself in the meantime. 
 

Thank you for saying you believe me and for recognizing the hole that’s been created.  It’s really very helpful to hear this and also to get such thoughtful advice

 

I’m wondering if a time will come when I won’t miss him and still feel like I love him? 

[BaileyB]

11 minutes ago, HeartNPA said:

I’m wondering if a time will come when I won’t miss him and still feel like I love him? 

I would say, that is entirely up to you. You will think of him from time to time, no doubt. But, what significant you place in that thought and how you chose to respond to the thought of this man and this relationship is entirely up to you! 

[HeartNPA]

11 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

But, what significant you place in that thought and how you chose to respond to the thought of this man and this relationship is entirely up to you! 

Gosh, so hopeful and empowering.   And also feels really far away that I wouldn’t be thinking about him constantly

[JTSW]

You're right in that texting him will not have the desired effect. 

He likely has your number blocked at her request so you wont get any response from him.

Same goes if he hasn't blocked you.

He won't do anything to rock the boat with his wife.

It's not worth putting yourself through that.

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, HeartNPA said:

 I don’t have anyone to talk to about it. 

Sorry this happened. Please delete and block him and all his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps.

Unfortunately you went down a dark road because you may have been in a dark place. Affairs are lonely empty and isolating. 

Please see a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health and get some tests done. Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support. 

Anything you discuss with a healthcare provider is confidential. So you can not only unpack and sort out what happened in this situation in a nonjudgmental professional environment, you can more importantly explore what led you to this dark and isolating situation.

Edited August 30, 2023 by Wiseman2

[HeartNPA]

1 hour ago, JTSW said:

 

It's not worth putting yourself through that.

That stings.  But the truth that I subconsciously already knew and needed to hear.  Thank you!   

[HeartNPA]

59 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this happened. Please delete and block him and all his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps.

…

Anything you discuss with a healthcare provider is confidential. So you can not only unpack and sort out what happened in this situation in a nonjudgmental professional environment, you can more importantly explore what led you to this dark and isolating situation.

I really don’t want to block.  Because I am honestly hoping he makes  space for me again.

Great reminder that my therapist is confidential.  I am meeting with her Friday.  We’ve been talking about this situation for the whole time it’s been going on (over a year) but what’s shocking is there are so many red flags with this man and so many things I do not find appealing in a partner that I really didn’t know I was this deep!   The way this hurts is such a shock!  

[S2B]

Why would you look for MORE words from him that prove he lies?

his actions tell you everything.

and those actions prove that YOU should want better FOR YOURSELF!

he has tossed you aside… why would you want more of that? Anything he says now is just more proof that he will use you as long as his home life remains the same. Ewwww, what a user and coward he is.

[glows]

Devils advocate speaking (not encouraging this): 

You could text him but to what end. Prolong your suffering and keep putting your life on hold? 

Also are you married or attached or single? If you are looking for a relationship think of all the single virile hunks out there. Don’t you want to get in on that action?

[HeartNPA]

7 minutes ago, S2B said:

Why would you look for MORE words from him that prove he lies?

his actions tell you everything.

and those actions prove that YOU should want better FOR YOURSELF!

he has tossed you aside… why would you want more of that? Anything he says now is just more proof that he will use you as long as his home life remains the same. Ewwww, what a user and coward he is.

Gosh, that’s so real.   You’re right, though.   More of the same would still put me right where I am right now. 

[S2B]

You know… he is certainly prioritizing himself!

why aren’t you prioritizing yourself?

 

[HeartNPA]

8 minutes ago, glows said:

If you are looking for a relationship think of all the single virile hunks out there. Don’t you want to get in on that action?

I am.  But I’ve just not been lucky enough to find someone that seems so genuinely interested in me.   We would text ALL DAY and then still talk for hours at night.  For over a year!

[glows]

Just now, HeartNPA said:

I am.  But I’ve just not been lucky enough to find someone that seems so genuinely interested in me.   We would text ALL DAY and then still talk for hours at night.  For over a year!

All moot because he’s married and has baggage bigger than the black hole in space. 

Pick single men and start fresh. This person is bottom of the barrel/he was never an option.

[HeartNPA]

4 minutes ago, S2B said:

You know… he is certainly prioritizing himself!

why aren’t you prioritizing yourself?

 

It’s a great point.  I guess I just feel so icky about having done this that I’m struggling to face myself a bit 

[Lotsgoingon]

Look, you got to get your life on a better track.

The truth is you were dumped and isolated in the affair--for every day of the affair. An affair partner to a married person is hidden and a secret. You jump when the married person says they're available and you put on a happy front for fear of the married person not seeing you. 

Getting your hopes up and attaching to a married person is like hanging from a flimsy, collapsing limb of a tree. You're not attached to the tree or even a strong branch of the tree. You're attached to a limb. 

That's where you always were. Sorry you're feeling this reality acutely today. But really that was the reality all along. 

 

[HeartNPA]

14 minutes ago, glows said:

All moot because he’s married and has baggage bigger than the black hole in space. 

Pick single men and start fresh. This person is bottom of the barrel/he was never an option.

Fair.  Thanks so much for helping me.   It’s so strange because I knew that and I would even say that all the time in our conversation, but somehow I never really saw this coming. 

[HeartNPA]

6 minutes ago, Lotsgoingon said:

The truth is you were dumped and isolated in the affair--for every day of the affair. An affair partner to a married person is hidden and a secret. You jump when the married person says they're available and you put on a happy front for fear of the married person not seeing you. 

Getting your hopes up and attaching to a married person is like hanging from a flimsy, collapsing limb of a tree. You're not attached to the tree or even a strong branch of the tree. You're attached to a limb. 

That's where you always were. Sorry you're feeling this reality acutely today. But really that was the reality all along. 

 

This!  Gah!  It’s so true.   I really did drop everything for the time when he had it.     I feel so silly now that you mention it.   I appreciate your perspective. 

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, HeartNPA said:

But I’ve just not been lucky enough to find someone that seems so genuinely interested in me.   We would text ALL DAY and then still talk for hours at night.  For over a year!

You made the unfortunate mistake of assuming that texting constantly indicated some kind of investment and commitment. Clearly, it did not. 

Edited August 30, 2023 by BaileyB

[MsJayne]

1 hour ago, HeartNPA said:

I really don’t want to block.  Because I am honestly hoping he makes  space for me again.

Why? Ask yourself why you'd be happy with crumbs. Ask yourself why you're OK with him treating you like a rescue dog that gets a pat once a week while the dog he's had since puppyhood gets fillet steak every day. Ask yourself why you're happy feeding his ego while yours is being starved.