dumped and isolated

[Wiseman2]

6 hours ago, HeartNPA said:

 he decided to end things with me a try to fully commit to her. Im so tempted to text back to his breakup texts and try to get the validation that he loved me 

It's quite possible part of their reconciliation involves deleting and blocking you so they can recover from his betrayals in peace.

Please talk to the therapist about needing these quick fixes and urges to contact him, stalk or become obsessive. You're ok at this point but your therapist could help you with the underlying problems that led to this.

[glows]

1 hour ago, HeartNPA said:

Fair.  Thanks so much for helping me.   It’s so strange because I knew that and I would even say that all the time in our conversation, but somehow I never really saw this coming. 

It’s because it feels good in the moment when someone is paying lovey attention. The truth is none of this was legitimate and it was always stolen moments, a secretive life as he’s just not single and available and he has to hide you from his other life (in this double life). Sadly if having to pick he chooses his wife and family not you. 

Save those intimate feelings and emotions for someone worth your time or able to commit to a relationship on the same level as you.

[HeartNPA]

54 minutes ago, MsJayne said:

Why? Ask yourself why you'd be happy with crumbs. Ask yourself why you're OK with him treating you like a rescue dog that gets a pat once a week while the dog he's had since puppyhood gets fillet steak every day. Ask yourself why you're happy feeding his ego while yours is being starved. 

This one stings a bit.   Needed to hear it, though.  Thanks! 

[HeartNPA]

1 hour ago, BaileyB said:

You made the unfortunate mistake of assuming that texting constantly indicated some kind of investment and commitment. Clearly, it did not. 

Wow, honestly, yeah.  Thank you so much.  This thread has really lifted me up and I feel much less alone.  

[HeartNPA]

40 minutes ago, glows said:

It’s because it feels good in the moment when someone is paying lovey attention. The truth is none of this was legitimate and it was always stolen moments, a secretive life as he’s just not single and available and he has to hide you from his other life (in this double life). Sadly if having to pick he chooses his wife and family not you. 

Save those intimate feelings and emotions for someone worth your time or able to commit to a relationship on the same level as you.

I guess I knew that, but in the momebt it felt like because it was so risky and secretive it meant MORE to him 

[BaileyB]

8 minutes ago, HeartNPA said:

I guess I knew that, but in the moment it felt like because it was so risky and secretive it meant MORE to him 

A man who loves and respects a woman does not hide her away. He does not disrespect her by denying her existence and hiding her away. 

[HeartNPA]

2 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

A man who loves and respects a woman does not hide her away. He does not disrespect her by denying her existence and hiding her away. 

That seems obvious, but stings a bit.  Gosh, I want it to have been different. 

[MsJayne]

1 hour ago, HeartNPA said:

This one stings a bit.   Needed to hear it, though.  Thanks! 

Sorry😬, not meant to sting, merely to invite you to ponder why you think you have to accept second best.  You were donating part of your life to his cause, frittering away your valuable time when you could be out meeting available people and finding a relationship that actually fulfills your needs instead of living on false hope while you ignored your needs and pandered to his. I don't believe his story about being busted for a previous affair, I think it's more likely that this is his standard MO when he ends affairs, a tried-and-true method of discarding women.  Get rid of them while they're emotionally entrenched, still loyal and unlikely to be angry at him because they're praying he'll see sense and come back. That way there's almost zero chance of them being vengeful. If you think about it hard enough you should eventually reach the conclusion that, far from being worthy of your adoration and pining, he's actually quite an a*****e and you're way out of his league  . 

[JTSW]

11 hours ago, HeartNPA said:

I am honestly hoping he makes  space for me again.

Don't waste your life hoping for something that will never happen.

He made his choice.

He does not deserve you.

And you deserve better.

Edited August 31, 2023 by JTSW

[HeartNPA]

10 hours ago, MsJayne said:

why you think you have to accept second best. …I don't believe his story about being busted for a previous affair, I think it's more likely that this is his standard MO when he ends affairs, a tried-and-true method of discarding women.  

Two really helpful perspectives.   Thank you 

I guess I felt like I wasn’t second best because it felt like making time for me and trying to meet my needs was such a priority for him.   Except, now that I think about it, weekends and his vacations were always very hard.  
 

And it’s a very challenging thought to think that he could be lying about why this happened.  If it’s not that, then really why?   But on the flip side, I’m realizing through your thought here that so much of what I know about him could have been lies.   It felt SO IMPORTANT to me to be as brutally honest with him as I could because it turned out that eventually he was the only person I was being honest with.   But maybe I was the only person he wasn’t being honest to.  That’s a tough one.
 

Again, so grateful to have found this board and to feel less alone in this.   It’s really like I have to relearn to think. 

[HeartNPA]

4 hours ago, JTSW said:

Don't waste your life hoping for something that will never happen.

He made his choice.

I really wanted to be his choice.   And he really made me feel like I was.   Right up until the day before his conversation with his wife he was telling me about how he would never go anywhere and would not fight to keep his marriage. 
 

It was just so sudden.  Thank you for your input, because it’s just so much truth. 
 

Now, I think I have to find myself and forgiveness so that the I can believe second part about deserving better. 

[JTSW]

5 minutes ago, HeartNPA said:

I really wanted to be his choice.   And he really made me feel like I was.   Right up until the day before his conversation with his wife he was telling me about how he would never go anywhere and would not fight to keep his marriage. 

Unfortunately, the other woman will never be the MM's choice when crap hits the fan.

The wife will always be chosen because that's where their heart truly lies.

As painful as it sounds and I'm sorry, but you were just his bit on the side and nothing more.

[JTSW]

7 minutes ago, HeartNPA said:

Now, I think I have to find myself and forgiveness so that the I can believe second part about deserving better. 

You do deserve better.

You deserve a man that isn't married and loves you with all his heart and not just his private parts.

[HeartNPA]

3 minutes ago, JTSW said:

 

The wife will always be chosen because that's where their heart truly lies.

 

I can’t thank you enough for offering your help, truly. 
 

But I don’t think this is true.  That could be me still in the delusion of it all.  But he was a very traditional person, and I think this choice was made completely out of duty.  I think he’s afraid of letting this image he has created of himself die and of losing some of his wealth and having to give it to her.  Is that possible too? 
 

I am coming to terms with how disposable I was, so I think that is true.  And ouch, that’s not fun. 

[Will am I]

20 hours ago, HeartNPA said:

She was gracious and forgiving, so he decided to end things with me a try to fully commit to her. 

I would only partly believe him when he says this. 

Even a cheating husband has a sense of right and wrong, so I do believe that there is a part in him that wants to do the right thing and turn back from transgression.

But I believe that there is probably another part in his motives. His wife found out once, he's under a magnifying glass now and he's probably scared that this affair will also be discovered. Explaining one past affair is one thing; explaning an ongoing pattern of affairs is something else.

 

20 hours ago, HeartNPA said:

I know it was the right thing, but I really loved him and I already miss the way he loved me.  

Or the way he made you feel loved.

Because frankly speaking, the way he actually loved you was sub par. You were the person that could only exist in the shadows when his wife wasn't looking. Don't tell me that's all the love you deserve.

 

20 hours ago, HeartNPA said:

And I don’t have anyone to talk to about it. 

Affairs are indeed a very lonely place. Not being able to talk is a big stress factor, I remember that part vividly.

[HeartNPA]

7 minutes ago, JTSW said:

You do deserve better.

You deserve a man that isn't married and loves you with all his heart and not just his private parts.

Again, where the it’s so hard to comprehend his intentions, because we never had sex and weren’t actually physical all that much.   Lots of phone sex and sexy conversations, but the actual physical was really hard for me because I hated crossing that line. 
 

We both really just loved each other’s attention.  
 

I’m not trying to be conceited or self-absorbed, but I’m thinking for him it may have been the thrill of the catch.   I think most people would likely say I’m more invested in my appearance, more active and more entertaining that his wife.  My lifestyle is also exact opposite, I’m very social, open minded and exploratory.  She’s very reliable and traditional, religious and obedient.   In a world where we could have chosen anyone, I don’t think we would have chosen each other.   

[JTSW]

6 minutes ago, HeartNPA said:

I can’t thank you enough for offering your help, truly. 
 

But I don’t think this is true.  That could be me still in the delusion of it all.  But he was a very traditional person, and I think this choice was made completely out of duty.  I think he’s afraid of letting this image he has created of himself die and of losing some of his wealth and having to give it to her.  Is that possible too? 
 

I am coming to terms with how disposable I was, so I think that is true.  And ouch, that’s not fun. 

It honestly doesn't matter what his reasoning was.

He is a cheater.

He would likely cheat on whoever he was with.

He could never be trusted.

[JTSW]

You're a good kind person OP, I can see that.

I truly hope you are able to move past this.

We are all here for you if things feel tough and you need to talk.

[Wiseman2]

20 hours ago, HeartNPA said:

My AP’s wife found out about a previous affair.   so he decided to end things with me a try to fully commit to her. 

Did his wife find out about you or just the last affair he had? If it was the last affair, it seems like he's a serial cheater and simply moved on to the next. Please realize that everything he told you was a lie as well as living a lie with his wife.

Edited August 31, 2023 by Wiseman2

[HeartNPA]

11 minutes ago, Will am I said:

…His wife found out once, he's under a magnifying glass now and he's probably scared that this affair will also be discovered. Explaining one past affair is one thing; explaning an ongoing pattern of affairs is something else  

Or the way he made you feel loved.

Because frankly speaking, the way he actually loved you was sub par. You were the person that could only exist in the shadows when his wife wasn't looking. Don't tell me that's all the love you deserve.

 

Affairs are indeed a very lonely place. Not being able to talk is a big stress factor, I remember that part vividly.

Wow!  So many new and powerful perspectives.   Thank you! 
 

First, this feels exactly right.  Except, it’s not helpful to know I so easy to just drop for the sake of continuing to hide me.   And yuck, what a cruel careless thing to do to some one you say you love.  

 Which is where your second point comes in to mind.  I guess it is possible that I loved him truly, and he just never did.  My heart breaks to think I was so stupid.  And it was in the shadows, wasn’t it?   Does that mean that I didn’t love him truly after all because I was willing to stay there?   I can promise I never thought of it that way, but it’s very true. 
 

yes, so lonely.  That’s why I’m so grateful to have found this board and for everyone who is trying to help me process.  Thank you again!  I definitely don’t want bring it all to the light to tell my friends now that it’s over. 

[BaileyB]

26 minutes ago, HeartNPA said:

But he was a very traditional person, and I think this choice was made completely out of duty.  I think he’s afraid of letting this image he has created of himself die and of losing some of his wealth and having to give it to her.  Is that possible too? 

Common patterns in affairs - 

When women have affairs, they tend to go all in. They invest their heart completely, they tend to dissociate from their other relationships (if they are married) and invest completely in their affair partner. 

I think single women in affairs tend to look at the situation in much the same way… They tend to look at the situation through the lens of the romantic fantasy they create -  we hear things like, “He stays out of duty, but his heart is with me… which is why, I will hang on for x years… because, what we have is special. He stays with her because he has to - but he “chose” to be with me. It’s just the circumstance, the “situation,” that is keeping us apart.”

No, he chose to stay in his marriage. He was discovered, he could have filed for divorce, he could have formed a legitimate relationship with you - but he chose not to do that. Never forget that. 

Don’t underestimate the desire to stay for all the reasons you have shared above. Divorce is expensive. It comes at a huge financial and personal cost - “they” have worked hard to build assets, to build a home and a life together, to build a family together. It’s easy to understand why neither one of them really wants to sacrifice that. Let’s face it - she got the short end of the stick here. In order to keep her marriage and a family that she has invested her time, her hopes and dreams, her blood, sweat and tears in for all these years, she has to keep her philandering husband. Now, maybe she made this decision because she loves him and he threw himself on the ground, told her that he was terribly misguided, and promised never to stray again… Or maybe she was thinking pragmatically too - maybe she wants to maintain their quality of life for their children and plans to divorce him a few years down the road because it’s in her financial best interest to do so. Anything is possible. 

My point being, there is a reason why very few men in affairs leave their marriage. They do a cost benefit analysis and very rarely do they decide that leaving the woman who has been their partner, raised their children, built a home and shared their lives together for their affair partner is the advantageous thing to do. If you look at that decision logically, it’s a ridiculous thing to even consider - 

Which is why most men take the conflict avoidant path and stay in their marriage while seeking out a little “extra” on the side. 

And as you have learned, the “extra” is often quickly discarded when the affair is discovered. The romantic fantasy is lost pretty quickly when a man comes to realize all that he stands to loose… Or, as may be the case here, men are stunned to realize that their wives really do care - and they are humbled by the kindness and forgiveness that she shows when she takes him back and wants to work on the marriage. 

At the end of it all, love does not conquer all. Women (and some men) are foolish to believe that it does when it comes at the cost of losing half your assets, losing full-time custody of your children, and losing the respect of one’s spouse, parents, children, friends, and neighbours. 

 

Edited August 31, 2023 by BaileyB

[HeartNPA]

11 minutes ago, JTSW said:

It honestly doesn't matter what his reasoning was.

He is a cheater.

He would likely cheat on whoever he was with.

He could never be trusted.

Thank you again for helping me process.  I really truly can’t tell you how much it means to be less alone! 
 

And I’ve heard this sentiment a lot throughout my life and in the reading I’ve been doing lately.  But the tough thing about this is - what does that say about me?   If this is true, I did it too and does it mean that I can never  be trusted or loyal to a partner?

[HeartNPA]

9 minutes ago, JTSW said:

You're a good kind person OP, I can see that.

I truly hope you are able to move past this.

We are all here for you if things feel tough and you need to talk.

Thank you.  I really hope this is true.  I want to be a good person.  And I really appreciate all the help. ❤️ 

[HeartNPA]

13 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Did his wife find out about you or just the last affair he had? If it was the last affair, it seems like he's a serial cheater and simply moved on to the next. Please realize that everything he told you was a lie as well as living a lie with his wife.

About a past affair- he had told me about her before and that she had reached out recently and was in a bad spot.  Sounds like her husband is pretty abusive and she was trying to escape with him.  He had struggled through the emotions of being poisonous.   
 

Anyway, sounds like someone in the first affair’s life contacted his wife to fill her in on their behavior and that’s what triggered him to end it with me. 
 

what I’m grappling with in that fact is two fold: 

1. If she was escaping with him, then he abandoned her too.  What if he told her the same things he told me about how he would rather be with her?  And she truly thought he was going to get her out of her bad situation.  
 

2. The second thing is perhaps the feelings he was processing with me were not that he was poisonous, but that he knew he was going to abandon me too.   And the advice I gave him was just so enabling.  I told him that what he did to her and was doing with me was not good, but that she made her own choices just like him and continues to do so, and that he can’t beat himself up for the choices of others.   But now that it’s flipped on me,  I realize that I thought I was accepting him and loving him, and caring for my person, not that I was choosing to be disposable.   

[BaileyB]

5 minutes ago, HeartNPA said:

If this is true, I did it too and does it mean that I can never  be trusted or loyal to a partner?

That’s your job now - to do the work so that you can be a safe and trustworthy partner for someone else. That’s why you are going to counselling, to learn more about yourself so that you understand why you chose to dismiss all the red flags here so that you can make better decisions in the future. 

When you talk about the shame, part of what you are doing right now is reconciling the decisions that you made that you now know have disrespected and hurt another woman and her children. Part of that journey is learning to forgive yourself. For me, learning to forgive myself would require that I have learned the lesson here…