dumped and isolated

[HeartNPA]

14 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

It's quite possible part of their reconciliation involves deleting and blocking you so they can recover from his betrayals in peace.

Please talk to the therapist about needing these quick fixes and urges to contact him, stalk or become obsessive. You're ok at this point but your therapist could help you with the underlying problems that led to this.

Great topic to discuss- I will mention it tomorrow.  I have found myself in moments obsessing about finding out if I’m blocked.   Just because he always said that he would never block me when I would try to end things and would beg me not to do it to him.  
 

But  he also always asked me not to just go “cold Turkey” when I would try to end things, but it’s pretty clear that’s what he expects to do now, so I just desperately want some of his promises to be true. 

[Wiseman2]

7 minutes ago, HeartNPA said:

About a past affair- he had told me about her before and that she had reached out recently 

Perhaps he went back to his other mistress. All you know for sure is that a great deal of what he says and does is lies and manipulation to facilitate what he wants.

It's a hard truth to accept but your entire relationship was a lie. However the sooner you accept that, the sooner you will free yourself from the illusion and be able to move forward.

Edited August 31, 2023 by Wiseman2

[BaileyB]

12 minutes ago, HeartNPA said:

what I’m grappling with in that fact is two fold: 

1. If she was escaping with him, then he abandoned her too.  What if he told her the same things he told me about how he would rather be with her?  And she truly thought he was going to get her out of her bad situation.  

If that’s true, it tells you a lot about his character. 

But here’s the thing - it’s on him. It’s not your worry. His marriage and his previous affairs are truly none of your business. Your job now is to look forward and put things right in your own home. As they say, stay in your lane. Your only thoughts about him at this point should truly be to understand why you didn’t heed the red flags here because let’s be honest - he was a parade coming down the street toward you. You ran toward the flags when you should have turned the corner to get away from the crowd and the chaos. 
 

12 minutes ago, HeartNPA said:

But now that it’s flipped on me,  I realize that I thought I was accepting him and loving him, and caring for my person, not that I was choosing to be disposable.   

Here’s the lesson - you chose to love and accept and care for this man at your own personal expense. Don’t do that again. 

It’s a wonderful thing - you are a kind and loving person. You have a good heart and you are a good partner. In the future - chose a man who is worthy of your love. 

You chose to invest in an old clunker that had been in several accidents in the past. You thought you could fix it and shine it up and then take it on a cross country road trip… how did that work for you? 

In the future, chose a more reliable car, with a solid structure, something that is road worthy and you won’t be let down. 

As we say on this site, when you make a poor decision it really shouldn’t be shocking when you have a poor outcome. 

And one more quote, just because it comes to mind when I listen to you talk about your tendency to over-invest in this relationship - in the future, don’t cross oceans for someone who wouldn’t stop over a puddle for you. 

Edited August 31, 2023 by BaileyB

[BaileyB]

4 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Perhaps he went back to his other mistress.

That’s also my thought. This man has a lot of irons in the fire and it’s just too convenient that this relationship ended when his former mistress reappeared in his life…

[HeartNPA]

25 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

No, he chose to stay in his marriage. He was discovered, he could have filed for divorce, he could have formed a legitimate relationship with you - but he chose not to do that. Never forget that. 
 

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Hard, but truly so helpful to keep in mind. Thank you!

..Let’s face it - she got the short end of the stick here. In order to keep her marriage and a family that she has invested her time, her hopes and dreams, her blood, sweat and tears in for all these years, she has to keep her philandering husband.  

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Part of me kind of hates that I created this space for her.  That I was taking part and relishing the break down of something another woman wanted and built.     By caring for him the way that I do, I was really hurting him and stealing from her  

They do a cost benefit analysis and very rarely do they decide that leaving the woman who has been their partner, raised their children, built a home and shared their lives together for their affair partner is the advantageous thing to do. If you look at that decision logically, it’s a ridiculous thing to even consider - 

Which is why most men take the conflict avoidant path and stay in their marriage while seeking out a little “extra” on the side. 

And as you have learned, the “extra” is often quickly discarded when the affair is discovered.

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Two things:

1. I think this is exactly right, doesn’t make it easier though, ouch.  I really wanted to be worth the risk.   Which I didn’t even know I felt- I really had myself fooled that I was pretending too and would never want him. The truth there is that there were so many red flags with him and things I would have never wanted in a partner, which I knew.  I think I’m realizing that more than any of it, I wanted to be chosen.  And it’s scary to see how reckless I was in that.

2. Does this mean that he knew all along that I was the extra and that he was going to dispose of me when the time came?  Is it possible that he thought he wanted more at some points?  Is it possible that he really does care about me but just had to choose?  

 Or, as may be the case here, men are stunned to realize that their wives really do care - and they are humbled by the kindness and forgiveness that she shows when she takes him back and wants to work on the marriage. 
 

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I think this is exactly it.   He always described her as so cold and disinterested.  Said that she never reacted or cared when he would be on his phone or taking time away for me.   I hadn’t thought about it but now that you say it, it’s like he has finally gotten her attention.  And negative attention is still attention.   But when they slip into old patterns and she isn’t as focused on him, will he come back to me?  Or do it again?  Does a person not learn? 

At the end of it all, love does not conquer all. Women (and some men) are foolish to believe that it does when it comes at the cost of losing half your assets, losing full-time custody of your children, and losing the respect of one’s spouse, parents, children, friends, and neighbours. 

 

Wow, thank you for your thoughtful and logical insight here.   So much to process, but so helpful.

[HeartNPA]

20 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

All you know for sure is that a great deal of what he says and does is lies and manipulation to facilitate what he wants.

It's a hard truth to accept but your entire relationship was a lie. 

Does it really have to be the entire relationship?    He really helped me a lot with my confidence at work.  He told me things about myself that I was starting to believe.   Things no partner has ever seen in me.    He treated me like I was the most special person.  
 

Also, He helped me through some really rough personal challenges and advised me thoughtfully when I had to make some really hard decisions.  Truly, he was such an incredible thought partner.  I’ve never had anyone in my life with a brain like his.  Could some of that have been true? 

[HeartNPA]

58 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

Your job now is to look forward and put things right in your own home. As they say, stay in your lane. Your only thoughts about him at this point should truly be to understand why you didn’t heed the red flags here because let’s be honest - he was a parade coming down the street toward you. You ran toward the flags when you should have turned the corner to get away from the crowd and the chaos. 

Oh, but it’s so much easier to worry about why he behaved in this way than to look at myself.  

you have a real gift for imagery, and I appreciate the language your giving me to talk about this. 

what’s hard is that I really thought I was FULLY AWARE of the red flags.  I really thought I wasn’t in this deep.  How is it possible to trick myself so well in thinking I was managing this and aware?  But you’re right, this is the lesson and the opportunity to understand better so I don’t stumble into this again.

Edited August 31, 2023 by HeartNPA
Mistakenly quoted instead of replying

[HeartNPA]

46 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

That’s also my thought. This man has a lot of irons in the fire and it’s just too convenient that this relationship ended when his former mistress reappeared in his life…

She was more conveniently located and willing to be more physical, but I really do believe that he was just finally getting attention from his wife

[HeartNPA]

1 hour ago, BaileyB said:

Here’s the lesson - you chose to love and accept and care for this man at your own personal expense. Don’t do that again. 
 

 

 

Again, the imagery of the car is so poignant.   Thank you.  And yes, I think selflessness to the destruction of self is a quality I see in myself that I absolutely despise.  And here I am again, but just on a much scarier scale.   I love this call out that I need to be more mindful that the things I’m pouring my energy and love into are also about loving myself

 

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1 hour ago, BaileyB said:

As we say on this site, when you make a poor decision it really shouldn’t be shocking when you have a poor outcome. 

 

Wow, yes, powerful.  This outcome really stinks.   But appreciate having you and so many people rallying behind me in this thread and helping me to process. 
 

1 hour ago, BaileyB said:

And one more quote, just because it comes to mind when I listen to you talk about your tendency to over-invest in this relationship - in the future, don’t cross oceans for someone who wouldn’t stop over a puddle for you. 

💔

[BaileyB]

21 minutes ago, HeartNPA said:

She was more conveniently located and willing to be more physical, but I really do believe that he was just finally getting attention from his wife

Either way, it doesn’t matter. He has chosen  someone else and you need to accept that. 

[HeartNPA]

1 minute ago, BaileyB said:

Either way, it doesn’t matter. He has chosen  someone else and you need to accept that. 

Yes, it’s true.   Would you give any thought to the fact that he really ended it all in a few text messages, though?  Like, it feels more brutal because it was done there. 

[HeartNPA]

Really so so grateful for all of the help and insight.   I feel so much less alone, and I’m just so relieved by that. ❤️

[Starswillshine]

Be careful not to assign extra meaning to actions because he is married. 

For instance, if you felt that he cared more because he would reach out in the evenings when he is at home with his family. What would be your expectations if he were not married to someone else? If he was your legit boyfriend? Was the amount of contact and effort truly what you would expect? Or did you expect less because he had a wife and family? And his little effort felt more than it truly was because he had this wife and family? 

[BaileyB]

43 minutes ago, HeartNPA said:

Oh, but it’s so much easier to worry about why he behaved in this way than to look at myself.  

Obviously. But it goes without saying that if your attention is focused on him and the decisions that he has made, it doesn’t actually help you as you walk your own path. 

Another saying that I use often in similar circumstances - “not my circus, not my monkeys.” That would be my mantra anytime I felt the familiar tug to wander down the road of “why did he do this…” - “Not my circus, not my monkeys.” 

 

1 hour ago, HeartNPA said:

Truly, he was such an incredible thought partner.  I’ve never had anyone in my life with a brain like his.  Could some of that have been true? 

Life is not black and white. 

Someone can be kind and helpful at work, and then push an old lady over on the street while running to catch the bus. A man can promise to love, honour, and cherish his wife - and still disrespect her by sleeping with another woman behind her back. 

You take what you need from this relationship. Did he care for you in some way - you felt that he cared for you so he probably did, but probably not the way that you wanted. Did he provide an empathetic listening ear and some solid advice during difficult times - absolutely. 

But, you also have to accept the other side. He also disrespected you and wasted your time by encouraging you to believe that this had the potential to be more than he could ever offer - 

There is a dichotomy here, but that’s ok. The fact that he cheated on his wife - does that dismiss the fact that they raised beautiful children and created happy memories as a family - no. But, there is an ugly stain on the marriage that he has brought - and unfortunately for her, she will need to reconcile the good with the bad, in much the same way that you do.

So yeah, he was kind and thoughtful and a good partner in some ways… but not the important ways. And now, you need to go in search for another man who will be a kind and thoughtful partner in every way that REALLY matters - including the most obvious way, that he is single and available to commit to you the way that you will commit yourself to him. 
 

Edited August 31, 2023 by BaileyB

[HeartNPA]

1 hour ago, BaileyB said:

That’s why you are going to counselling, to learn more about yourself so that you understand why you chose to dismiss all the red flags here so that you can make better decisions in the future. 

When you talk about the shame, part of what you are doing right now is reconciling the decisions that you made that you now know have disrespected and hurt another woman and her children. Part of that journey is learning to forgive yourself. For me, learning to forgive myself would require that I have learned the lesson here…

Forgiving myself and learning from this.  I wrote those down to talk to my therapist about as well.  
 

I think I’m going to try to heed your advice and focus here on me and how I move forward.   I’m still very much in a space of missing the attention and validation.  And trying to decide what from this I can continue to cherish and appreciate 

[HeartNPA]

38 minutes ago, Starswillshine said:

Be careful not to assign extra meaning to actions because he is married. 

For instance, if you felt that he cared more because he would reach out in the evenings when he is at home with his family. What would be your expectations if he were not married to someone else? If he was your legit boyfriend? Was the amount of contact and effort truly what you would expect? Or did you expect less because he had a wife and family? And his little effort felt more than it truly was because he had this wife and family? 

Separating this into two categories, but oh so helpful!  
 

1. Great point about assigning more value because it was not appropriate.   I do need to reframe that! 
 

2. I guess the hard part is that he really did give me more time, attention, thoughtful advice and meaningful connection than I’ve ever had from a partner or even my parents.   He was so invested in helping me to grow and helping me to navigate my life challenges.  And he was so active in communicating and investing in time with me.  Just hours every day.  For almost a year. 
 

Thank you for this!  Really appreciate it! 

[BaileyB]

7 minutes ago, HeartNPA said:

I think I’m going to try to heed your advice and focus here on me and how I move forward.   I’m still very much in a space of missing the attention and validation.

If you focus on the pain, you will continue to suffer. If you focus on the lesson, you will grow.

[HeartNPA]

1 hour ago, BaileyB said:

You take what you need from this relationship. Did he care for you in some way - you felt that he cared for you so he probably did, but probably not the way that you wanted. Did he provide an empathetic listening ear and some solid advice during difficult times - absolutely.

I think this is what I needed to hear.   and this is what I need to mourn the loss of.  I really would love to find this again.  

 

1 hour ago, BaileyB said:

So yeah, he was kind and thoughtful and a good partner in some ways… but not the important ways. And now, you need to go in search for another man who will be a kind and thoughtful partner in every way that REALLY matters - including the most obvious way, that he is single and available to commit to you the way that you will commit yourself to him. 

Exactly.   Except I really miss him so much.  I shouldn’t have accepted less than everything in a commitment, but I did.   And now I have just nothing.    And I’m not ready to begin looking or building and I’m so mad about that. 

[HeartNPA]

29 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

If you focus on the pain, you will continue to suffer. If you focus on the lesson, you will grow.

Okay, yes.  I think I can do that.

[stillafool]

2 hours ago, HeartNPA said:

Does it really have to be the entire relationship?    He really helped me a lot with my confidence at work.  He told me things about myself that I was starting to believe.   Things no partner has ever seen in me.    He treated me like I was the most special person.  
 

Also, He helped me through some really rough personal challenges and advised me thoughtfully when I had to make some really hard decisions.  Truly, he was such an incredible thought partner.  I’ve never had anyone in my life with a brain like his.  Could some of that have been true? 

This all sounds so familiar to what other OW have said about MM they were in affairs with on this forum.  Of course those MM are charming and give the illusion of being the dream partner.  This is why it's so easy for them to have affair after affair.  This is grooming at its best.  The problem is OW who are lonely and with poor self esteem fall for this without reflecting on the true character of the man.  If he were as galant as you think he wouldn't be cheating on his wife and family and in fact you aren't as special as you think you are to him. 

3 hours ago, HeartNPA said:

I’m not trying to be conceited or self-absorbed, but I’m thinking for him it may have been the thrill of the catch.   I think most people would likely say I’m more invested in my appearance, more active and more entertaining that his wife.  My lifestyle is also exact opposite, I’m very social, open minded and exploratory.  She’s very reliable and traditional, religious and obedient.   

And yet, in the end he choses to go back to her when he could have you or ex other women.

[Starswillshine]

9 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Of course those MM are charming and give the illusion of being the dream partner.  This is why it's so easy for them to have affair after affair. 

This. 

Do remember you were not his only affair. This man is a skilled serial cheat. Imagine for a second how he was able to get women to go along with being a side piece?

He is a skilled manipulator. Likely very skilled in knowing and figuring out exactly what to say and how to say it. Has figured out the ways in which to read people and give them that tiny little nugget of something they want and need without giving them everything needed for a true relationship. 

[BaileyB]

32 minutes ago, HeartNPA said:

I’m not ready to begin looking or building and I’m so mad about that. 

That’s ok. Take all the time that you need before dating again - but what you do with that time really matters! 

I say, invest it in things that bring you joy. As I said above, reconnect with family and friends, travel, find a new hobby, make a new friend, exercise and focus on your health and fitness… These things will build your self worth and bring you joy.

If you are going to spend your time thinking about your affair partner and how wonderful he made you feel… well, you are just going to waste more time. You are still going to end up disappointed, but if you continue to pine for this man who was never yours it doesn’t change the outcome but you may miss the opportunity for something else that could be really wonderful. 

How much time you chose to spend on this failed relationship is entirely your decision. And while it may feel like you have tons of time to spend here - trust me, you don’t. One day, you will look back on this experience and you will be very angry with yourself because you have wasted your youth in a dead end relationship with a man who - when all is said and done - really didn’t care…

At some point, you will need to make the decision to move on. I had a period in my life when I needed to process and yes, wallow in grief for a while, so I get what you are doing right now. But eventually, you will need to make the decision to let it go and move forward… you only get one life, and your youth is more precious than you know, so I hope that you make that decision sooner than later. 

Edited August 31, 2023 by BaileyB

[HeartNPA]

1 hour ago, stillafool said:

Of course those MM are charming and give the illusion of being the dream partner.  This is why it's so easy for them to have affair after affair.  This is grooming at its best. 

This is interesting to think about.  He really did check so many boxes in the support space and was so smart about leaning into the places where he was skilled and had good support to give.  It does feel like he knew how to win me over and keep me where he needed me.   So manipulative.  I feel really silly. 

 

1 hour ago, stillafool said:

And yet, in the end he choses to go back to her when he could have you or ex other women.

I think I’m recognizing that the gap I was filling for him was so easy to replace.   And I allowed him to be so difficult to replace in my life.  Such a horrible gut punch. 

[HeartNPA]

1 hour ago, Starswillshine said:

Has figured out the ways in which to read people and give them that tiny little nugget of something they want and need without giving them everything needed for a true relationship. 

Thank you for expanding on this.   Because I’m realizing that he did this exactly.  
 

Except why did he continually mention and speak about having a real relationship?  That seems counter productive to this goal.   He was always asking and testing me to see how things would be if we were together and always telling me he wished he were with me.  And that he wanted to be with me. 

[HeartNPA]

1 hour ago, BaileyB said:

That’s ok. Take all the time that you need before dating again - but what you do with that time really matters! 

All of this is REALLY REALLY helpful.   There were a lot of things that I was doing poorly or not focused on because I was giving time and priority to him and to being ready or available when he was as well.   I think being sad is something I’d like to do beside revisiting those things and trying to distract myself with them. 
 

Id like to have pockets of sadness when they come over me, but I’ve missed so much.  No time to lose.  
 

I really hope I can stick to this plan you’ve inspired in me.  Thank you!