dumped and isolated

[HeartNPA]

33 minutes ago, JTSW said:

@HeartNPA I honestly don't recommend telling his wife anything. 

It won't help anything.

She is aware that he has cheated so I don't think there is any need to get involved and hurt yourself further.

It will just open up a whole new can of worms and cause you more harm than good.

You won't have anything to gain from it.

You are better off keeping as much distance as you can from them and moving on with your life.

I think this is exactly where I am right now.   Just letting the dust settle and trying to build myself up because I don’t want to go back there. 
 

I’ve been heartbroken and devastated and just so sad.  I’ve missed my friend and our conversations.   I’ve a few cute little moments where I couldn’t wait to tell him, and then the devastating realization that I’ll never tell him.  
 

But I have also felt so relieved.  I feel like I can breath into a deeper place of my lungs that hasn’t been used in a long time.  My time is my own again and I’m sleeping better.  I’m trying to focus on these things.  I’m so so grateful to have found some insight and help.   Thank you again so much! 

[Wiseman2]

19 minutes ago, HeartNPA said:

. What he shared with me is completely counter to the man she thinks she has married in every way possible.

With all due respect, you have no idea what she knows or thinks. Please focus solely on your own recovery. Hoping to torment this woman even more is not a noble pursuit.

Consider joining some groups and clubs, volunteer, get involved in sports and fitness, get a fun part-time job. Broaden your social horizons so you can rebuild friendships and share your life with decent people.  Keep yourself busy improving your life. Make friends with people you can trust.

Get a good profile and pics on quality paid dating apps. Try eHarmony. They screen for married people and members must provide proof. Start talking to and meeting quality single men with integrity. Then you'll have someone decent to talk to about your life.

[Starswillshine]

35 minutes ago, HeartNPA said:

What he shared with me is completely counter to the man she thinks she has married in every way possible. 

It was also the reason that I often felt compelled not to “abandon” him (his words).   He had finally shared this side of him and was accepted and not judged.   

AND at the same time, I am in some ways hoping to keep myself as a safe space for him.   Some moments it feels like I am because I don’t want him to be alone again.

The common themes and stories in affairs would be comical if it were not for all the heartbreak involved.

This was my ex's MO as well. He told his OW that it was only she that he could open up to and share the deepest and darkest parts of himself. That he could trust her to not pass judgment. So he told her about his affairs and he told her about all the various sexual things that he had done. But let's stop for a second and think about this... all these things happened within a marriage... but outside of the marriage. OF COURSE his wife would judge. He was cheating. 

Also something my ex explained to me. But please remember these were just words he spoke that I am sure was meant to make it sound like he had respect for me... (laughable)... he said his OW was just that a mistress. He could do things and say things and not care if it offended her (sexually). But he was reserved with me because I was his wife and the mother of his children. Something else he said made me realize that there is probably a little truth in it... "different people have different roles in my life." So I was the wife and mother of his children. That was my role. Sexually- I was definitely the more adventurous one, he would hold back and didn't feel comfortable doing certain things. Which was a shocker to me when I heard about the things he did with his OW. He told me that he had respect for me so for us, it was "making love" and not just pure sex (gag).  So careful assigning extreme importance to that. It might not mean what you think it means. 

[BaileyB]

55 minutes ago, HeartNPA said:

It was also the reason that I often felt compelled not to “abandon” him (his words).   He had finally shared this side of him and was accepted and not judged.   

This is a classic manipulation strategy. Like the child whose parent is abusing them, they can’t tell anyone because it will hurt the parent and they will suffer the consequences. The child “protects” the parent - when really, the parent doesn’t need protection. They are an adult, capable and responsible for themselves. But by keeping this secret, the child feels special. The bond grows (it’s called trauma bonding). But, what the parent is doing is horribly abusive to their child. 
 

55 minutes ago, HeartNPA said:

It was also the reason that I often felt compelled not to “abandon” him (his words).   He had finally shared this side of him and was accepted and not judged. AND at the same time, I am in some ways hoping to keep myself as a safe space for him.

This just makes me so sad, because he has you right where he wants you. You have bought his story hook, line, and sinker…

Edited September 1, 2023 by BaileyB

[BaileyB]

56 minutes ago, HeartNPA said:

Where I’d like to be is a much less emotional place, where I can make the decision that is best from an objective place. 

You do this by putting some time and distance between you, and continuing these discussions and those oh your counsellor.

[JTSW]

Stars nailed it. MM know how to manipulate women into believing they are special.

When it actuality they are just a bit of fun on the side, nothing more.

[stillafool]

55 minutes ago, HeartNPA said:

I am in some ways hoping to keep myself as a safe space for him.   Some moments it feels like I am because I don’t want him to be alone again.

So does the above mean that after all of this you would take him back if he wanted you?

[BaileyB]

5 minutes ago, JTSW said:

Stars nailed it.

The other thing that I appreciate about her comment - for these men, different women play different roles. 

What she is saying OP - you played a specific role in his story. And the role he assigned you may not have been the role that you wanted or even thought that you had…

Edited September 1, 2023 by BaileyB

[HeartNPA]

1 hour ago, Starswillshine said:

Exactly. The gas lighting will put one questioning everything. 

I feel awful that I didn’t question any of his story.  My past informed my response and I just took everything he said at face value. 

 

2 hours ago, Starswillshine said:

Then he said these things, "You know, if you want to go speak to someone, I fully support it." (He was talking about a therapist). AKA, in supportive speech, he told me I was crazy.

2 days prior, he had returned home from a "work trip"... one he worked over nights and we didn't speak much. AKA, he used company funds to take his mistress to her favorite city. 

We had what most people thought was a picture perfect marriage and family. And, at the time, i thought so, too.

I appreciate you sharing your perspective.  It’s helpful to hear.  My greatest struggle throughout the last year was the thin line between my experience with him on Saturday nights and then him going dark on Sunday mornings/afternoons.  I  always really struggled with how people could “pretend” like they were.  But now I realize maybe it was just him who was pretending.   And he had both of us right where it served him.  

 

2 hours ago, Starswillshine said:

2 months, I am marrying a man who is the complete opposite of my ex. He isn't as good with words (these manipulators ALWAYS are), his ACTIONS prove everything I need to know and feel.

Congratulations!    So happy for you!  Best wishes!! ❤️❤️❤️

 

2 hours ago, Starswillshine said:

BS are in the same boat. Gaslighted and manipulated by a WS

Not sure what BS and WS mean, but I think BS is wife and WS is husband?  Anyway, this is a really helpful perspective and I appreciate your insight.   Thank you! 

[HeartNPA]

10 hours ago, S2B said:

Are you referencing anything that puts his wife at further risk?

I don’t think so.  The man I knew was very smart/safe. 

[HeartNPA]

9 hours ago, S2B said:

And remember - since he talks bad about his wife - he will talk bad about you too.

the man knows no boundary when it comes to being cruel and manipulative to women (yes - plural).

all of his words are designed to swing in an outcome that he’s looking for. This is why cheaters are known liars.

I am now fully aware of this reality.  I think I even understand that ending it with me was him hedging his bets that he could paint the first affair as a minor “slip up” he shared how relieved he felt that his wife said she understood why he did it.   
 

I think I’m coming to understand the depths to which he will go to get his own desired outcome.   
 

Thank you for your help! 

[HeartNPA]

10 hours ago, BaileyB said:

his vacations (that’s a hard one for many other women to accept, there are many posts on this site from desperate women who can no longer deny the fact that his marriage is not as despondent as he would lead her to believe when he choses to go on a happy vacation with his spouse/or their family.

This is interesting.  I never struggled with the fact that he took the vacations. I believed it to be part of the “pretending” that he would talk about.   But I’m glad you mentioned this because I did really struggle with the lack of access that vacations meant for me.  He would be much less responsive and engaged.  We lost a lot of the time that I had come to cherish.   Maybe I need to reframe my experience of the vacations as exactly this.  If he were so miserable and they were so separate as he described, why would she want the vacations? 
 

It also brings to mind another contradiction that I hadn’t realized before.  At the beginning of our relationship, he talked about how much it meant to him to prepare a meal together and sit at the table to eat it together.  He described how his family never did this- always eating on the run and too busy.  He mentioned that he had brought this up to his wife and she dismissed it.  I felt sad for him to be rejected for something so easy to fix.  
 

Fast forward to just two weeks before he dumped me, and I knew that the family dinners were something she had tried to implement and they were also doing a few more activities together as a family.  I asked him if he felt better now that he had this quality time, if he felt himself connecting to her in the way he wanted to and his response was that it was never about connecting with him, but moreso just creating these spaces for their children.  
 

What a difference.   I’m realizing now that he really just said anything to appear available for me.   Something discarded, a prop for her.  But maybe the reality is very different and I’m an idiot for not realizing it sooner. 

10 hours ago, BaileyB said:

The thing is, as the other woman, your self esteem is often in the toilet. I mean, who can feel good about yourself when the man that you love - the man who tells you that you are special and he loves you in return - goes home to another woman every night.

This is true.  Except, I think then sleeping in separate bedrooms made this a bit easier to digest.  We would literally talk until our eyes closed and then talk again first thing in the morning.  It made me, again, feel like I wasn’t taking something that anyone else wanted.   And I wanted it so badly.  😔

And you’re right. This only worked if I felt like I was prioritized above her.   It all broke down in the moments when I was faced with the reality that I wasn’t.   

[Wiseman2]

14 minutes ago, HeartNPA said:

I .  My greatest struggle throughout the last year was the thin line between my experience with him on Saturday nights and then him going dark on Sunday mornings/afternoons.

I think one of the biggest steps in your healing would be to be honest with yourself. You knew he is married, you knew he is a serial cheater, yet despite this you pursued him.

It's hard to reconcile that you knew all this  and now feel like a victim even though you fully participated in the deception.

Once you own your role and discontinue seeing yourself as an innocent victim, your healing and enlightenment will improve. 

[BaileyB]

26 minutes ago, HeartNPA said:

Not sure what BS and WS mean, but I think BS is wife and WS is husband?

BS = betrayed spouse. 
WS = wayward spouse 

[HeartNPA]

10 hours ago, MsJayne said:

Oh, the stench of hypocrisy 🤮.

Yeah.  This was always hated for me.  But unfortunately has always been my experience with religious folks.   The most devout have the most to hide. So, it felt familiar and like something I could help him break free from.   
 

I realize now that this only played into his hand.  I always wondered why he was okay associating with me as someone who was so passionately opposed to an institution which he had so much involvement in.  
 

Now I know that it helped him. 

10 hours ago, MsJayne said:

I'd be wanting to see the psychiatrist's report on that one, not to mention hear the wife's side of that story.

Same.  Now that I have the perspective from this chat, I’m so curious what the reality is.   But I suspect there’s a lot more than I have been told.  

 

10 hours ago, MsJayne said:

What if the guy you thought was Mr Wonderful was actually capable of being that cruel and manipulative towards the woman he's married to

Thank you for helping to paint this picture.   It stings, but is helpful to give her more context and humanity.    And I’m realizing in the way I have been discarded that he is very much capable of heartless and selfish and things. 
 

Thank you again for your help

[BaileyB]

8 minutes ago, HeartNPA said:

He mentioned that he had brought this up to his wife and she dismissed it.  I felt sad for him to be rejected for something so easy to fix.  

Indeed, he could have cooked the meal and set the table himself.

And maybe he was sad because the kids were busy and engaged in after school activities and his wife was trying to get them out the door to their friends/sports? 

You just assumed that he was hard done by because his wife didn’t set the table and ask the family to come for a meal… but you can see now, there is much that you assumed that supported his own narrative that he was miserably uncared for and unappreciated and your own narrative about his family life and your place in his life. There is that triangulation. 
 

12 minutes ago, HeartNPA said:

Except, I think then sleeping in separate bedrooms made this a bit easier to digest.

Ah, the old separate bedrooms story… do you know this for fact? Have you been in their home at bedtime? And even if they do, maybe one of them snores or is a light sleeper. Lots of couples sleep in separate bedrooms and I’ll have sex/healthy marriages. 

In case you haven’t realized it yet, you can’t believe a word this man says… certainly not when he is telling you about his marriage.

[stillafool]

1 hour ago, HeartNPA said:

I am in some ways hoping to keep myself as a safe space for him.

I'll ask you this again, does the above statement mean you would still take him back if he contacted you?

[Wiseman2]

2 minutes ago, HeartNPA said:

 has always been my experience with religious folks.   The most devout have the most to hide. 

I don't think bashing "religious folks" is going to solve your dilemma. If he's a snake, it's his choice. Not all religious people are hypocrites and cheaters. Just this  married man you chose to get involved with. Please own this.

[HeartNPA]

13 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Once you own your role and discontinue seeing yourself as an innocent victim, your healing and enlightenment will improve. 

I promise you that I am fully aware of the role I played.   And now even moreso aware that my trusting him and not questioning or challenging was also me playing into my own deception.    I am recognizing every minute things I think I knew were off, but never allowed myself to discuss or revisit because I think I knew it would mean I couldn’t go forward anymore.  

I was selfish I thought I had found my person and despite know that this person didn’t belong to me and that I was stealing I did everything I could to hold on tight.   
 

I’m grappling with a lot, and I’m really upset with myself. TBH, being a victim isn’t really part of how I would characterize my experience.   

[BaileyB]

15 minutes ago, HeartNPA said:

I did really struggle with the lack of access that vacations meant for me.  

Yes, lot of women struggle with the fact that they have lost their “texting buddy” when he goes on vacation with his wife. 

One woman who recently posted was told by her married man that the wife had planned a “surprise” family vacation - she sprung it on him at the last moment and he had no other choice but to “pretend” and go along… funny thing, every single one of there vacations had been a “surprise” last minute thing that she had planned or shared with him… poor guy, he had to go along with all these surprise family vacations when he really didn’t want to go. Again, it is comical except for the fact that she actually believed his tale of woe…
 

[Wiseman2]

Just now, HeartNPA said:

I was selfish

Unfortunately yes. This is what it boils down to. The wife is home doing all the heavy lifting of being a wife and mother and all you have to do is be available for trysts.  This is why guidance from your therapist is a great idea in this case.

[HeartNPA]

14 minutes ago, stillafool said:

I'll ask you this again, does the above statement mean you would still take him back if he contacted you?

No.  Certainly not. 
 

I just think I need to untangle this feeling that I had given myself that I was so important to him because I was the only place he could go and be fully authentic.  
 

I’m processing that now and realizing how ridiculous it was.  I was lonely and wanted to be important to someone.  He saw that and gave it to me. 

[HeartNPA]

15 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

I don't think bashing "religious folks" is going to solve your dilemma. If he's a snake, it's his choice. Not all religious people are hypocrites and cheaters. Just this  married man you chose to get involved with. Please own this.

Fair.  Apologies. 
 

I have my own experiences within the church, and yet it’s still not fair to paint every person in a community in the same light.  I’m recognizing the damage this type of generalization can do in real time. 

[HeartNPA]

20 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

You just assumed that he was hard done by because his wife didn’t set the table and ask the family to come for a meal

I did. I really did.   I felt sorry for him and saw a place that I could be better, safer. 
 

It served me too because I really wanted him and wanted it to be true. 

[BaileyB]

6 minutes ago, HeartNPA said:

I did. I really did.   I felt sorry for him and saw a place that I could be better, safer. 
 

It served me too because I really wanted him and wanted it to be true. 

I understand.

You see the pattern though, the error in this kind of thinking. He drops a hint like - “well, she is trying now to have more family meals but it’s only for the children…” and you hear that and it becomes “poor guy. Why does she even bother? He doesn’t feel appreciated. They are both pretending for the children. When we are together, I will cook him the most beautiful meal and look deep into his eyes and listen to every word that he says… and he will love me and I will feel special. That is my place in his life, his solace, his refuge. Nobody loves him like I do.” 

Edited September 1, 2023 by BaileyB