dumped and isolated

[BaileyB]

If I may, you sound like a really smart, and kind, and lovely person. I think you’ve had enough time and distance - that and the fact that he showed you where he stood when he returned to his marriage and promptly dumped you - to allow you the ability to begin to challenge some of your thinking about/during this affair. But, you still struggle to accept the whole truth. You are asking the right questions, you really seem to be considering most of what is shared here - keep doing that! You will get to the other side of this…

[Starswillshine]

3 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

You will get to the other side of this…

Here to echo Bailey's statement. 

It will take time to make your heart come to terms with what your brain is telling you. You may waffle back and forth. But eventually, you will get through this. 

I agree with Bailey, you do seem like a lovely person. Remember this. You are worthy of being someone's ALL. Don't keep giving everything to someone to only get half of them. 

[Will am I]

49 minutes ago, HeartNPA said:

I’m realizing now that he really just said anything to appear available for me.

This is good: you're starting to uncover all the projections, all the bended truths and all the lies and you're starting to realize how poorly you were really treated.

It probably doesn't feel good for you, but it's good in the sense that this is a step towards freeing yourself from a situation that wasn't doing you good in the long run.

 

[BaileyB]

8 minutes ago, Starswillshine said:

Remember this. You are worthy of being someone's ALL. Don't keep giving everything to someone to only get half of them. 

And this guy is not the one for you. Leave them to their dysfunction and let this be a learning experience on your path to a beautiful future.  

The truth is, you have no idea right now what is waiting in your future. Wonderful things will come into your life, if you make room for them. 

He is dishonest. Untrustworthy. Manipulative. Unfaithful. He is not the kind of man that you want to chose for your life partner. If his wife knew the whole truth, as you do, she may well feel the same. 

There is so much more for you - but you will only get it if you believe that and if you find the courage to leave this man in your past and go in search of a better future for yourself. 

Edited September 1, 2023 by BaileyB

[HeartNPA]

1 hour ago, BaileyB said:

You will get to the other side of this…

 

1 hour ago, BaileyB said:

There is so much more for you - but you will only get it if you believe that and if you find the courage to leave this man in your past and go in search of a better future for yourself.

 

1 hour ago, Starswillshine said:

Remember this. You are worthy of being someone's ALL. Don't keep giving everything to someone to only get half of them. 

Thank you both so much.  I came here to this thread because the only person I could talked to about this, the person that had  helped me process everything recently, that I loved, that I thought loved me, had left me - quickly and carelessly.   I was ashamed and gutted.  I was seriously so low.  
 

The care and time and insight and honesty and even the sometimes brutal reminders of my own guilt and actions that I have found here have completely changed everything.  
 

I am so grateful for all of it and I am trying really hard to respond and absorb everything.  To take accountability and to recognize reality. 
 

and to prepare for what’s to come.  
 

Thank you all so much.  
 

lol, this may be silly, but I hope this is not  goodbye.  I still have so much I’d love to learn and feel like I’m on a journey with my new friends!

[HeartNPA]

12 hours ago, S2B said:

but most wives feel something is off. And for good reason.

Yeah, I’m really feeling gutted for my part in this.  And I can sense that based on what he told me about her reaction to the disclosure of the previous affair that she did suspect.  And maybe there was a little relief on her end that it was already over and they could move on. 
 

Hence the urgency from him to dump me and put me in the rear view. 

[HeartNPA]

12 hours ago, BaileyB said:

She experienced a mental illness in the process of birthing his child. If anything, she is deserving of empathy and support - not judgment.

This.  So much this.  Yeah, I did try to introduce that type of language in our conversations.    But in hindsight, I can see that he may have been utilizing her fear and shame for this experience to keep her attached.  While also using this experience to draw empathy from me for him having to be the person supporting and keeping it together during this time.    And being under appreciated for this sacrifice. 
 

Even typing that now feels slimy.  Like I recognize now that that was his job as her partner and the father.  And I fed right into it. 
 

Again, just so ashamed and embarassed.  Thank you for your insight 

[HeartNPA]

2 hours ago, BaileyB said:

One woman who recently posted was told by her married man that the wife had planned a “surprise” family vacation

Quite the opposite in my experience.  I helped to plan some of the vacations.  I’m a bit of a Disney expert and have a lot of insight and advice to help ensure they had a nice trip.   I would often encourage him to be where he was supposed to be and to focus on them. 
 

I think I knew all along that I didn’t belong and tried my best to make amends for my bad behavior (selfishly, without stopping)

[HeartNPA]

12 hours ago, S2B said:

It’s why I say - you can’t believe anything he has told you.

Yes, coming to terms with this now.  The hardest part to let go of is the good parts.  The things about me that he loved about me or the things he was proud of or helped with.  Letting those go with the other stuff is what guts me.  

 

7 hours ago, JTSW said:

He did it the cowards way which says allot about him.

It shows he is not willing to face up to his responsibility.

It’s true.  He had no second thoughts or considerations to do exactly to me what he’d asked me repeatedly not to ever do to him.  (Leave with a text or go “cold Turkey”)

All the times I tried to end it and respected his preferences only allowed him access so that when I was most lonely or needing support, he could jump right back in.  

But when the s*** hit the fan, he needed that door firmly closed to cover his tracks

In a way I feel grateful for that absolute conclusion and relieved that it’s firmly over.  But it certainly does show the lengths he will go to 

[HeartNPA]

2 hours ago, BaileyB said:

When we are together, I will cook him the most beautiful meal and look deep into his eyes and listen to every word that he says… and he will love me and I will feel special. That is my place in his life, his solace, his refuge. Nobody loves him like I do

Ugh, reading this like this is so gross and lame, but it’s true.  I really did try to make up for what he was missing because I felt that we had it. 🤮🤮

 

I really hate myself right now for that

[HeartNPA]

3 hours ago, BaileyB said:

What she is saying OP - you played a specific role in his story. And the role he assigned you may not have been the role that you wanted or even thought that you had…

What really resonated with me was the discussion about how different he framed each person sexually.  Like spot on.  
 

To me, my place was positive and inclusive and warm and exciting and hers was negative and cold and rejecting.   
 

But I wouldn’t put it past him to have framed her as sacred or needing to be treating in a more dignified way.  It aligns perfectly, actually

[BaileyB]

25 minutes ago, HeartNPA said:

While also using this experience to draw empathy from me for him having to be the person supporting and keeping it together during this time.    And being under appreciated for this sacrifice. 
 

Even typing that now feels slimy.  Like I recognize now that that was his job as her partner and the father.  And I fed right into it. 

There are women on this board who post the same thing about their married men while their wives are pregnant or having just delivered their child/raising young children. The married man will complain to his affair partner that his wife is distracted, the sex has dropped off, he is being neglected, they sleep in separate rooms… well yeah, because she just birthed a baby and she is raising his child/ren!! But again, it is said to elicit empathy and create this triangle in which the wife a terrible person for ignoring her husband’s needs (even though she is caring for his children) while the other woman is loved and appreciated because she gives of her time and affection. 

The reality is, she has good reason to be distracted, exhausted, to not want to have sex but he is only thinking of himself and his affair partner is taking from his words what she wants to hear. As you said, it is his role to be supportive at this time of life - and the fact that some will turn to their affair partner at this time says a lot about the character and priorities of the man… The fact that he would treat his wife, the woman who birthed his children, so disrespectfully says a lot…

Edited September 1, 2023 by BaileyB

[HeartNPA]

6 hours ago, Will am I said:

But there also possible risk factors on your end. Like people with low self esteem are more more prone to end up in these situations. People who lack intimate friendships too. And people who are insecure about their options to find a life partner. And I believe that being the victim of manipulation early in your life may also be a risk factor (because family structures with manipulation do not establish or respect healthy boundaries).

I think this is fair and good to hear.   I do feel like I was willing to accept this because it was soothing to know that someone loved me and cared about me and found me special. 

 

6 hours ago, Will am I said:

 

As for the future, part of it is just mentality. Stand up for yourself and decide that you're too good, too much fun, too nice, too pretty to be treated like that

I think I’m getting there!   I think I’m arriving first at the conclusion that I do not want to be the type of person who engages in the destruction of things that other people value and have worked hard to build.   Maybe next is the idea that I am also worthy of building those things myself? 

 

4 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Please focus solely on your own recovery. Hoping to torment this woman even more is not a noble pursuit.

All that said, I am, in no way, hoping to further torment anyone.   Or to continue to be complicit in the devastation of someone’s life and marriage. 

[HeartNPA]

4 hours ago, Starswillshine said:

He could do things and say things and not care if it offended her (sexually). But he was reserved with me because I was his wife and the mother of his children. Something else he said made me realize that there is probably a little truth in it... "different people have different roles in my life." So

This hit home.  Straight to the gut.   I could totally see this being the framing for him. 
 

The way that he described their lifestyle and the “shame” he felt for his sexual preferences and the things he enjoyed. 
 

I felt like I was providing a safe space and freeing him from that.   But how easy it would be to portray me as a means to an end. 
 

all that said, the sex part never really occurred to me as a motive for him because, truly, I had such a hard time with it.  It felt like a step further into the horrible things we were doing. And I was very resistant to that. 
 

sexting and phone sex somehow felt manageable to me, but the actual physical was always a challenge and as such very limited and infrequent. 

[HeartNPA]

4 hours ago, BaileyB said:

The bond grows (it’s called trauma bonding)

 

4 hours ago, BaileyB said:

This just makes me so sad, because he has you right where he wants you. You have bought his story hook, line, and sinker…

I really am guilty of this.   It’s not a good feeling.    But so grateful for the insight and help to see the light and a way out. 

[HeartNPA]

13 minutes ago, S2B said:

You seem focused on what he’s said - which for MM - is lies to keep the OW around but understanding of his married life.

have you blocked him? If not - why not? You have nothing to gain by communicating with him.

I haven’t.  And the reason is difficult to explain. 
 

My eyes are open, and I’m fully aware of what this was and is.   
 

Part of me wants to see if he’d try it and what he would  say. 
 

Part of me wants the opportunity to tell him about himself and to reject him outright. 
 

And maybe a little part of me wants him to come back because it would mean that it wasn’t all lies.   That some of the feelings he had for me were as true as the ones I have for him.  
 

I’m never going to do this again. And I’m also never going to reconnect in any meaningful way, but I just can’t bring myself to put a period on what is certainly the end of the sentence just yet. 

Edited September 1, 2023 by HeartNPA

[HeartNPA]

1 hour ago, BaileyB said:

The fact that he would treat his wife, the woman who birthed his children, so disrespectfully says a lot…

So much truth, and I guess I should have seen it coming for me too.  

[Starswillshine]

5 minutes ago, HeartNPA said:

And maybe a little part of me wants him to come back because it would mean that it wasn’t all lies.   That some of the feelings he had for me were as true as the ones I have for him.  

He's going to come back. It doesn't mean it wasn't lies. 

And if he comes back or not, it doesn't mean that he does or doesn't care about you. MM are perfectly capable of caring about their OWs. But not in the way the OW truly wants. You aren't and won't be his priority, proven by his actions. But it doesn't mean he doesn't care about you, or love you. 

I have zero doubts that my ex husband loved me... still loves me. But none of that matters one bit. He couldn't be committed to me, to us, to our family. He betrayed us. His actions caused harm to us all. He can never be the man I need him to be. 

[stillafool]

1 hour ago, HeartNPA said:

the way that he described their lifestyle and the “shame” he felt for his sexual preferences and the things he enjoyed.

You should have been insulted by this.  Whatever his sick fantasy was he used you to reveal it and talk about it; but saved his wife the dirty details and didn't want to expose her to it.

[Wiseman2]

32 minutes ago, HeartNPA said:

 maybe a little part of me wants him to come back because it would mean that it wasn’t all lies.  

Very few things are 100% lies. Lies, especially the types that cheaters like to use are woven in with some truths. However, his return would not distinguish which were lies and what percentage of what he told you has any truth. Was he a charmer at times? Sure. It's part of the game.

The number one most important person to be honest with is yourself. Try to reflect if this is the denial stage and that's why backpedaling is going on.

[BaileyB]

54 minutes ago, HeartNPA said:

And maybe a little part of me wants him to come back because it would mean that it wasn’t all lies.   That some of the feelings he had for me were as true as the ones I have for him.  

I would encourage you to try and accept that both can be true - his feelings were true AND this is a very unhealthy relationship that you need to put in your past because it is in your best interest to do so. That will help you to let go - you will be validated that your experience in this relationship was real which will empower you to make a better decision for yourself.

This is one chapter in your life. Right now, it feels like the biggest and most important chapter in your life but that’s only because it is the most recent. As you turn the pages, this chapter will fade in with all the others and become part of what will become the story of your life… 

In order to move forward, you do need to turn the page. You can’t possibly move forward if you continue to read from the same page.

 

 

Edited September 1, 2023 by BaileyB

[BaileyB]

39 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

In order to move forward, you do need to turn the page. You can’t possibly move forward if you continue to read from the same page.

Sorry, better would be to say - you can’t write the rest of your story if you continue to read the same page… 💕

[HeartNPA]

48 minutes ago, S2B said:

Since you haven’t blocked him… 

what would you say to him if he reached out trying to sweet talk you?

I guess I’d tell him that he really hurt me.  That I recognize that if everything he told me were true he wouldn’t have run like he did.   That it’s really over and that in a lot of ways, I’m relieved by that.  

[HeartNPA]

3 hours ago, BaileyB said:

I would encourage you to try and accept that both can be true - his feelings were true AND this is a very unhealthy relationship that you need to put in your past because it is in your best interest to do so.

This is really helpful.  Thank you. 

3 hours ago, BaileyB said:

This is one chapter in your life. Right now, it feels like the biggest and most important chapter in your life but that’s only because it is the most recent.

Right, and because this person was the first to make me feel this valued.   I have fears that I’ll never feel that safe and cared for again.  

 

3 hours ago, BaileyB said:

you can’t write the rest of your story if you continue to read the same page… 💕

Right, and I have hope to write many more positive and honest chapters ahead 

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, HeartNPA said:

Right, and because this person was the first to make me feel this valued.   I have fears that I’ll never feel that safe and cared for again.  

Turn that around… because you have known him and he has shown you what it is to feel loved by a man, that would make me excited to go and find that again!  

Except, next time you will not settle for any man who doesn’t show you the kindness and care that he showed you AND the RESPECT that a man should show the woman that he loves. In that respect, he failed miserably and that’s why you need to end this relationship.