dumped and isolated

[stillafool]

On 9/1/2023 at 11:53 AM, HeartNPA said:

 I helped to plan some of the vacations.  I’m a bit of a Disney expert and have a lot of insight and advice to help ensure they had a nice trip.   I would often encourage him to be where he was supposed to be and to focus on them. 

This was deeply inappropriate.  You should not have participated in anything pertaining to their married life.  That wasn't you place.

 

On 8/31/2023 at 4:58 PM, HeartNPA said:

 There was immediate chemistry and I didn’t know he was married.   

I tried to end it at least 20 times, but was never successful for one reason or another 

When did you find out he was a married man?

On 9/1/2023 at 7:18 AM, HeartNPA said:

 

 

.    So sometimes it feels like I’m just unloading all of it and feeling relieved to have anyone listening and caring.     ❤️

Haven't you unloaded all of this on your therapist since you've been in therapy for a year?

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, Starswillshine said:

I mean... his wife is at home holding down the fort and taking care of the kids.... and SHE didn't check up on her husband who was on a vacation with his mistress????

As starswillshine says, I think if the roles were reversed, and you were home caring for the children while your husband was on a trip with his mistress - laying on the beach and drinking by the pool, enjoying nice dinners, having sex until they both fall dead asleep from exhaustion… well, I think you may feel differently OP. It’s really unfair to pass judgment on her lack of communication while you are on a romantic getaway with her husband. 

I’m glad that you had a good weekend. 

Edited September 6, 2023 by BaileyB

[stillafool]

53 minutes ago, S2B said:

maybe he just likes to have a steady stream of rotating other women? 

Or, he could have a brand new OW that he's groomed and put into place.

[Starswillshine]

There is also the possibility that this other affair brought his wife back to him and there is hysterical bonding taking place, and finally, the MM has what he wanted from his wife. 

Who truly knows? 

OP, we don't say these things to pass judgement nor to inflict more pain. We are challenging your thinking for no one's sake but for your own. Because if you continue down the path of not seeing the full picture here, you could fall right back into where you were with this man. This will only bring you further heartbreak and wasted time. 

[ExpatInItaly]

16 hours ago, HeartNPA said:

I cared tremendously about his family.

You cannot be serious with this. 

As long as you were having an affair with her husband and their dad, you didn't care about this family at all. You cared about yourself and having your needs met. Let's cut the malarkey here. 

[HeartNPA]

2 hours ago, Starswillshine said:

OP, we don't say these things to pass judgement nor to inflict more pain. We are challenging your thinking for no one's sake but for your own. Because if you continue down the path of not seeing the full picture here, you could fall right back into where you were with this man. This will only bring you further heartbreak and wasted time. 

I get it, and I really am trying to learn.  However, I’m not in sure it’s super helpful to be challenged as though I had malicious intent or was fully aware of the full picture.  

For my part, I’ve never done anything like this before, and I had no reason to think that it could all be lies. 

When we met, I thought we were just going to be friends.   We had mutual friends and we were the only people at a weekend event that didn’t have a significant other in attendance.   We kinda paired up for that reason. Nothing inappropriate happened whatsoever.

We did not become emotionally involved or connected until months after we met and it all started very slowly.  It felt accidental.  
 At that point, and throughout our relationship, it felt like I was trying to help him better his situation, like neither of us wanted to be this connected and like we were both doing our best to get through this in the best way possible.  

I never thought that it wasn’t real or that it could all be some elaborate manipulation.  Being physical was not at all a major part of our relationship.  I believed that that this would have been much more important if this were just an affair.  I know I was wrong now, but I didn’t then. I thought I’d found my person.  I’m super grateful for the insight and support here.  
 

I don’t like that I am starting to feel like I have to defend myself.  I understand that I have a lot that I was wrong about, a lot to learn and a lot to unpack.   But I just am not sure I’m ever going to get to a place where I agree that I was malicious or knowingly trying to ruin people’s lives. 

[HeartNPA]

13 hours ago, stillafool said:

Or, he could have a brand new OW that he's groomed and put into place.

I can’t worry about this.  Maybe so. Shame on him if he does 

Edited September 7, 2023 by HeartNPA

[stillafool]

24 minutes ago, HeartNPA said:

When we met, I thought we were just going to be friends.   We had mutual friends and we were the only people at a weekend event that didn’t have a significant other in attendance.   We kinda paired up for that reason. Nothing inappropriate happened whatsoever.

So being his friend you never thought to ask if he was married or had a gf?

[ExpatInItaly]

29 minutes ago, HeartNPA said:

But I just am not sure I’m ever going to get to a place where I agree that I was malicious or knowingly trying to ruin people’s lives. 

Malicious with intent to cause harm, no. 

Selfish, yes. 

Caring? No. You wouldn't have participated in activities that could contribute to the implosion of a family unit if you cared about them. That is not what a caring person does. Someone who cares tremendously about his family would have voluntarily stepped away from anything that could put it all in jeopardy. You never did that. 

You may never feel as though you were malicious, but I hope you get to a place where you get real with yourself and quit trying to convice yourself (or anyone else) that you cared about these people. If I may be blunt, you are really lacking insight and empathy here. 

Let all of this be a lesson and turning point for you to choose better for yourself and treat others better in the future. 

[HeartNPA]

Thank you all so much for the insight and advice! 
 

I appreciate the support and effort that has been put into helping me learn and move on.   At this point, I feel like I’m oversharing and not being heard.   
 

I am not going to respond anymore.  Thanks again. 

[BaileyB]

It’s unfortunate that you have decided to stop posting, because it’s only by hearing other perspectives and challenging your thinking that you grow. I hope with time, when you are not feeling so defensive, you can continue to challenge your thinking because there are a number of things here that will not serve you well long term in future relationships. 

There are a lot of women on this site that say - “I didn’t like the advice I was given on this site, it really touched a nerve at first. But I realized with time, the reason why it touched a nerve is because that was the truth that I really needed but was just not ready to hear/accept.”

These things don’t just happen. Many people attend events alone and meet other people and still maintain a healthy boundary - for themselves, and out of respect for their relationship partners. I would encourage you to really think about why that didn’t happen here. There is nothing “fated in the stars” that entitles you to a romantic relationship with another woman’s husband.  If you can be honest with yourself, I think that you will agree that as a grown woman, you knew that it was very inappropriate for you to be communicating, spending time alone, travelling, and having sex with another woman’s husband. The belief that you somehow didn’t intend for this to happen, didn’t have control of the situation because you developed feelings for the man, or even that you cared for his family are often said as a way to make what we know is not a good decision feel better for our conscience. I would encourage you to be careful not to adopt the mindset that his decision to stay and work on his marriage was because he is a noble and self-sacrificing man. He is neither a victim or a martyr.

These are hard things to accept, put up your defences if you must to protect yourself now, but I strongly encourage you to keep working with your counsellor. As I said before, you do sound like you have a good heart and I hope you create a better path for yourself in the future. 

 

Edited September 7, 2023 by BaileyB

[mark clemson]

21 hours ago, HeartNPA said:

But just to paint a picture of what I knew:  In 5 years, they had had sex less than 5 times.    [For date night]... she had agreed only once and then asked to leave after appetizers because her stomach hurt, got home, heated up a frozen pizza and watched the housewives by herself. 

He spent countless, COUNTLESS hours texting and calling me everyday to the point where I thought she’d be CRAZY not to know.  I’d seen his FaceTimes where he tried to speak with her, but she passed him off immediately to the kids.  Noticed how she NEVER checked in when we were on trips.

We had bonded immediately, had so much in common, so much to talk about, so much we wanted to do together.  He was caring and kind and supportive and present when I needed him.  He remembered things and took care of me.  He handled conflict with me so respectfully and learned.   On and on and on I saw instances of the man and partner he wanted to be and was for me, so I knew he was capable of it. 

Clearly it wasn't all lies and their marriage was a sham and/or trainwreck. That is not that uncommon, and finding a woman who accepts one's kind treatment is important to some men. So he likely found that in you. It certainly doesn't sound like she was missing him or trying overmuch to keep track of him all those hours he was spending with you.

Practical concerns trump sentiment all the time in life. It happens when people break up over a new job in another state, needing to move to take care of aging parents, etc, etc. In your case, he'd rather keep things together than deal with actually separating, and part of that is a requirement that he stop "straying".

Affairs can be extremely destructive under some circumstances, but those who feel that nothing good can ever come out of them are blind. It was good for you (to at least some degree) and for him, for a while. Now it's over and if you're happy/relieved with that "clean break" outcome that probably makes it easier to move on.

If he contacts you to restart things I'd suggest you decline. I think there's a high chance he will because it's clear that they don't work well as a couple, and his emotional needs are not being met in the marriage. I suspect that will continue to be the case. There are women who enjoy being OWs in affairs, however it's clear that (understandably) you were uncomfortable with it at some level. So, probably better to find a "full" relationship as you move forward.

[HappyAgain2014]

On 8/31/2023 at 5:48 AM, HeartNPA said:

I can’t thank you enough for offering your help, truly. 
 

But I don’t think this is true.  That could be me still in the delusion of it all.  But he was a very traditional person, and I think this choice was made completely out of duty.  I think he’s afraid of letting this image he has created of himself die and of losing some of his wealth and having to give it to her.  Is that possible too? 
 

I am coming to terms with how disposable I was, so I think that is true.  And ouch, that’s not fun. 

10 years ago I could have been written so much of what you’ve written here. It’s not duty keeping him married.. I know it’s hard to accept but so many OW talk about MM making a choice and the pick me game starts. Reality is he made that choice when he married her and continued to make it every day when he inevitably went home to her. I know it’s not easy but you have to accept that he’s exactly where he wants to be. 

[HappyAgain2014]

On 8/31/2023 at 5:56 AM, HeartNPA said:

Again, where the it’s so hard to comprehend his intentions, because we never had sex and weren’t actually physical all that much.   Lots of phone sex and sexy conversations, but the actual physical was really hard for me because I hated crossing that line. 
 

We both really just loved each other’s attention.  
 

I’m not trying to be conceited or self-absorbed, but I’m thinking for him it may have been the thrill of the catch.   I think most people would likely say I’m more invested in my appearance, more active and more entertaining that his wife.  My lifestyle is also exact opposite, I’m very social, open minded and exploratory.  She’s very reliable and traditional, religious and obedient.   In a world where we could have chosen anyone, I don’t think we would have chosen each other.   

Please don’t go down the rabbit hole of comparing yourself to his wife. You don’t know her and it’s not a fair comparison. The things he told you about his wife are lies he tells himself and you to justify the affair. It’s not the whole story. Affairs are like vacations with no responsibilities and fantasy. That’s not a marriage. 

[BaileyB]

Falling into the trap of comparing oneself to the wife seems to be a very natural thing to do in this situation and something that tends to be found in many affairs. It seems to be inherent to the situation, and It’s often promoted by the  MM. 

“My wife is a cold and heartless woman. I’ve tried 80 times, and she’s only agreed to have sex with me five times these past few years…”

My partner says the same about his ex-wife and you know what he did - he filed for divorce. If your MM is unhappy OP, he has the right to file for a divorce - not to find another woman on the side and destroy your life, is wife’s life, and his children’s lives. 

As Starswillshine has shared many times, she had an active sex life with her husband, she was the more adventurous partner, and he still cheated. He told each of his affair partners that the sex had dried up and his wife was focused on their four children - none of it true.

Married men lie. They lie to their wife. They lie to their children. They lie to their friends and family. And they lie to their affair partners. Not very many women would have sex with them if they told her - “I love my wife and we have a very active sex life.” 

Add to that the fact that your parents slept in separate bedrooms and they lacked true love and affection in their marriage - you were already primed to accept his tale of woe… 

As I said above, it’s easy fall into the trap of believing that the wife is somehow “not worthy” of her marriage because of any number of reasons - she won’t listen to him, she is focused on the children, she won’t have sex with him, they argue constantly… as was said above, welcome to married life.   I truly believe that women have to believe this because if they don’t, it’s hard to justify the decision to interfere in another woman’s marriage. How do you explain your presence in his life if not to say - he invited me, I didn’t plan this, she doesn’t want him, I’m just providing him the love that he does not get at home… And to that a dose of romantic fantasy - we were drawn to each other, we could not help it, our feelings for each other are just so strong… and you are in trouble. You are so far down the rabbit hole that it’s hard to see daylight anymore. 

Edited September 8, 2023 by BaileyB

[stillafool]

On 9/1/2023 at 12:33 PM, HeartNPA said:

The way that he described their lifestyle and the “shame” he felt for his sexual preferences and the things he enjoyed. 
 

I felt like I was providing a safe space and freeing him from that.   But how easy it would be to portray me as a means to an end. 
 

all that said, the sex part never really occurred to me as a motive for him because, truly, I had such a hard time with it.  It felt like a step further into the horrible things we were doing. And I was very resistant to that. 
 

sexting and phone sex somehow felt manageable to me, but the actual physical was always a challenge and as such very limited and infrequent. 

This guy has some weird sexual fantasies and that is probably why he has affairs because he doesn't want to do those things to his wife, so he uses other women to do it.  Even OP had a problem having sex with him.

[HeartNPA]

Update: as you all predicted, he found a place where he wasn’t blocked and has reached back out.   
 

It was full of red flags and so so lame. Honestly, I can’t believe I ever didn’t see it before. 
 

Thank you to everyone who helped me to see the light of day. 
 

(still not ready for more challenges, so I’m not posting and more replies, but wanted to share my gratitude and progress)

 

I didn’t even reply, just blocked and deleted.   

[Starswillshine]

Good for you! Now onto finding greener pastures! You deserve more!!!!!!