dumped and isolated

[Starswillshine]

6 minutes ago, HeartNPA said:

Thank you for expanding on this.   Because I’m realizing that he did this exactly.  
 

Except why did he continually mention and speak about having a real relationship?  That seems counter productive to this goal.   He was always asking and testing me to see how things would be if we were together and always telling me he wished he were with me.  And that he wanted to be with me. 

It's future faking, it's fantasy land, and remember it is what you wanted to hear. 

I was married to man like this. It took years for me to finally see what was happening. I remember even thinking while we were married, darnit, I have been manipulated again. And it was over trivial things that we would disagree on. Like how we spent a Saturday. We would talk it out and "compromise". I would walk away from the conversation satisfied and heard. Only to realize later that he got exactly what he wanted and I still didn't get anything I wanted. Lol 

Over time, you will start to see the pattern clearly. You will understand and that will give you some power to heal and move on. 

[stillafool]

39 minutes ago, HeartNPA said:

Except why did he continually mention and speak about having a real relationship?  That seems counter productive to this goal.   He was always asking and testing me to see how things would be if we were together and always telling me he wished he were with me.  And that he wanted to be with me. 

To keep you wanting more.  They know that regardless of what OW say they too want a commited relationship like most women.  So they dangle the carrot of commitment to keep you in place and to make you feel wanted knowing darn well he has no intentions of following through.

[Starswillshine]

Remember words are just that, words. 

His actions showed you exactly what he truly felt/wanted. He had the opportunity to end his marriage and have a true relationship with you. When push came to shove, he chose to break your heart to save his marriage. His actions were to sent a few text messages to end it. I'm sure, just for the time being while he smooths things over with his wife. No doubt, he will be coming back when things calm at home. 

The question here is, are you strong enough to close this door forever? Because if not, you will be stuck in this pattern. And while this may be the first time you have been hurt by him, this nagging feeling that you now have Because you know he is capable of not caring about your feelings will always be there. 

[S2B]

So he had another affair before you. 
 

it’s his pattern. He’s good at it - but he’s not leaving his wife… they rarely do.

he will do it again - he may reach out after the dust settles - I hope you don’t respond (at all!)

you can

move forward with more knowledge - that should help you to choose a healthy partner next time. Know that MANY married men pretend to be single and try to date. Do a background check on anyone you date in the future - you would not believe how many married men try to act single.

it’s sad to me his wife doesn’t know all of his history - she may be staying thinking this is an isolated affair - which it’s not.

he’s a coward who lies to the people he “claims” to love = that will never be a good spouse for anyone. Consider doing therapy so you never choose someone with these character traits again.

[S2B]

4 hours ago, HeartNPA said:

Yes, it’s true.   Would you give any thought to the fact that he really ended it all in a few text messages, though?  Like, it feels more brutal because it was done there. 

I don’t think it’s useful for YOU to spend any more time “wondering at all about him”!

he is exactly where he chooses to be. That’s all you are left to know!

now it’s time for YOU to prioritize YOURSELF by doing what’s right for YOUR future! 

[S2B]

Do you work with him?

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, HeartNPA said:

Except why did he continually mention and speak about having a real relationship?  That seems counter productive to this goal.   He was always asking and testing me to see how things would be if we were together and always telling me he wished he were with me.  And that he wanted to be with me. 

I think some men get just as caught up in the excitement and the fantasy of an affair as their female affair partners. That doesn’t mean that they have any intention of actually leaving their marriage.

Words without action are meaningless.

 

[Will am I]

6 hours ago, HeartNPA said:

Which is where your second point comes in to mind.  I guess it is possible that I loved him truly, and he just never did.

Well, he probably did have real feelings for you  as well.

What is generally missing in these MM situations isn’t love, but integrity. The love that is there in an MM is based on feelings and not on choices and staying true to one’s choices.

If there was integrity, he wouldn’t have allowed himself to get into this situation. He would have made a hard choice and either decided to stick it out with his wife or to leave the marriage behind and commit to his new love.

 

I would generally advise women to stay away from men who are still in a relationship; even if they say that relationship is effectively gone (or maybe: especially if they talk like that).

Not even for the sake of morality, but for the awful position it puts you in as an OW.

 

Rule of thumb: if they’re going to leave their wives, they probably already did before you met them. 

An affair can sometimes be a wake up call and cause a person to reconsider and abandon their LTR. But even if that is the case, it doesn’t often have the romantic ending where MM and OW live happoly ever after.

 

Speaking from former MM experience. When I fell in love with xOW, it shook my core. I went through a phase where I really doubted if I should leave my wife. But if I had made that choice, that would not have automatically implied that I would continue with my then-OW. Because even though I was crazy about her, I also recognized that she was not a viable choice as a life partner. So my alternatives were really to work on my marriage or to leave both relationships and heal from the pain and start again from ground zero.

 

I think the best thing you can do is to surround yourself with good (female) friends and work through your pain of rejection, and then dig one level deeper to what caused you to get into the affair in the first place. And vow to yourself that you will be more than someone’s side piece.

[HeartNPA]

2 hours ago, Starswillshine said:

t's future faking, it's fantasy land, and remember it is what you wanted to hear. 

Gosh, it’s hard to imagine someone that I cared so much about was so manipulative the whole time. 

 

2 hours ago, Starswillshine said:

Only to realize later that he got exactly what he wanted and I still didn't get anything I wanted.

This is exactly how I’m feeling right now.   Like I certainly did get a lot of validation, warmth and support from him, but I’m realizing that he was the one truly benefiting the most from this relationship.    He was angry and disappointed in the attention and care his wife was giving him and he filled that cup with my love and attention.   And the minute he felt he could get it from his primary partner, he threw me away.  
 

2 hours ago, Starswillshine said:

You will understand and that will give you some power to heal and move on. 

This chat and you are really helping me to understand and reframe my thoughts and feelings.  I so appreciate it. ❤️

[HeartNPA]

1 hour ago, Starswillshine said:

Remember words are just that, words. 

Gosh, that is so true.  Even up until the night before he had this conversation with his wife he was telling me that he would never go anywhere and that he wanted her gone.  And that he wanted me.  

 

1 hour ago, Starswillshine said:

The question here is, are you strong enough to close this door forever? Because if not, you will be stuck in this pattern. 

I really hope so!   This chat is making me feel like I have the knowledge to be.  Except I still haven’t blocked him and am continuing to check the other apps to see if he’s still in my friends lists and if he’s made any activity.   I want to stop caring about that. 

 

2 hours ago, Starswillshine said:

Because you know he is capable of not caring about your feelings will always be there. 

This is what I need to remember.  How easy it was for him to just change his whole tune and to treat me in a way that he had repeatedly asked me not to treat him when I tried to end this (block me and go “cold Turkey” as he used to say or NC) 

[S2B]

Why did you think it was going to be ok to start seeing a married man?

[Wiseman2]

8 minutes ago, HeartNPA said:

 the minute he felt he could get it from his primary partner, he threw me away.  

Or  get it from one of his other mistresses. Sorry this is happening and you are hurting, but unfortunately these situations have time limits and come to an end. Please try to view this as your ticket to freedom. Because it truly is.

[HeartNPA]

1 hour ago, S2B said:

it’s his pattern. He’s good at it - but he’s not leaving his wife… they rarely do.

I wish I had talked to someone sooner and noticed this.  Maybe it wouldn’t hurt this much if I had.   I really just believed him that I was special.  Feeling so naive now. 

 

1 hour ago, S2B said:

it’s sad to me his wife doesn’t know all of his history - she may be staying thinking this is an isolated affair - which it’s not.

Yes, agreed.  I think that someone said earlier that he likely ended it with me BECAUSE he didn’t want her to know it’s a pattern.  And it’s easier to hide if it’s over.  

 

1 hour ago, S2B said:

he’s a coward who lies to the people he “claims” to love = that will never be a good spouse for anyone. Consider doing therapy so you never choose someone with these character traits again.

True, and I need to remember that.  He wasn’t ever going to be good for me. 

I have therapy tomorrow, BUT, Thanks to this chat and you, I feel like I’ve been able to turn off my emotional brain and switch to my logical brain.  I think that will be a more useful  mindset in therapy tomorrow.   Thank you so much for your insight. 
 

1 hour ago, S2B said:

Do you work with him?

No.  We have no connections in our lives whatsoever.  I’m wondering if that’s why this lasted so long.  It was so safe because I’m a complete stranger to him and his family.    

[HeartNPA]

1 hour ago, BaileyB said:

I think some men get just as caught up in the excitement and the fantasy of an affair as their female affair partners. That doesn’t mean that they have any intention of actually leaving their marriage.

Words without action are meaningless

This is a much easier to digest thought than he was just manipulative.   Maybe it’s a little of both? 
 

Thank you again for all your insight!

[HeartNPA]

10 minutes ago, S2B said:

Why did you think it was going to be ok to start seeing a married man?

It didn’t start out that way.   It started out that we were both in town for an event for two of our friends who were dating.   We went out one night and everyone was couples except us and we just hit it off.  There was immediate chemistry and I didn’t know he was married.   
 

We had a lot in common so we texted quite a bit about those things and then those friends had a brutal breakup.  Ending his friendship with that person even.  And we talked about that a lot. 
 

It just kind of happened that we fell in love.    I tried to end it at least 20 times, but was never successful for one reason or another 

[HeartNPA]

13 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Or  get it from one of his other mistresses. Sorry this is happening and you are hurting, but unfortunately these situations have time limits and come to an end. Please try to view this as your ticket to freedom. Because it truly is.

Yeah, I really hope he doesn’t do this again.  But I also kind of hope I never know.   I want to be out of this and done.   I hope I can be. 

[S2B]

I would inform his wife.

it’s a pattern. She deserves better - and she deserves to know what’s real.

[MsJayne]

7 hours ago, HeartNPA said:

But he was a very traditional person, and I think this choice was made completely out of duty.  I think he’s afraid of letting this image he has created of himself die and of losing some of his wealth and having to give it to her.  Is that possible too? 

Yes, it's entirely possible.  But men like him don't stay married out of a sense of duty, it's more to do with their ego and what's convenient to them, mainly to do with image and wealth, and, also, the serial womaniser is often married to the sort of woman you might see in a tv ad, attractive, warm, capable, the "perfect housewife".  The only area she fails in is that after a few years of his affairs she no longer adores him, (she knows the real him now, she's disgusted by him but stays for the kids and the lifestyle), and so his gargantuan but fragile ego is not being regularly fed. Enter the mistress. 

[HeartNPA]

42 minutes ago, Will am I said:

If there was integrity, he wouldn’t have allowed himself to get into this situation. He would have made a hard choice and either decided to stick it out with his wife or to leave the marriage behind and commit to his new love.

This is a helpful distinction.    Thank you so much! 

 

43 minutes ago, Will am I said:

Because even though I was crazy about her, I also recognized that she was not a viable choice as a life partner.

So relatable- I felt this all of the time with him.  Like I knew we wouldn’t be good for each other in real life.  And I really thought I was solid in that, which is why it’s so shocking to me how much this is hurting.  I did truly love him and maybe subconsciously, I had just hoped for a chance to find out.   
 

I didn’t want him to leave his wife for me.  I wanted him to leave his wife for himself and because he clearly knew they weren’t healthy together and because he was such a good person who deserved more.  
 

and I thought I was okay that I wasn’t going to ever be his real person, but I guess it turns out I was lying to myself.  Because I am shattered. 

46 minutes ago, Will am I said:

think the best thing you can do is to surround yourself with good (female) friends and work through your pain of rejection, and then dig one level deeper to what caused you to get into the affair in the first place. And vow to yourself that you will be more than someone’s side piece.

 Thank you!  And thank you for your insight and advice.   I think because of this thread I feel like I’ve been able to reframe a few of my feelings and thoughts and I really don’t think I could have gotten there alone.   I really didn’t want to tell my friends about this because I’m so ashamed of what I’ve done. 

[BaileyB]

2 minutes ago, S2B said:

I would inform his wife.

it’s a pattern. She deserves better - and she deserves to know what’s real.

I hate to say it, but I would as well. Did she know about the first affair? Or, did she think that this was his first “slip” when she made the decision to take him back?

Telling his wife would also solve your problem about ending communication. It’s very likely that it would end any possibility that he would return to you. An added side-bonus? 

[HeartNPA]

18 minutes ago, S2B said:

 

I would inform his wife.

it’s a pattern. She deserves better - and she deserves to know what’s real.

 

 

7 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

hate to say it, but I would as well. Did she know about the first affair? Or, did she think that this was his first “slip” when she made the decision to take him back?

Telling his wife would also solve your problem about ending communication. It’s very likely that it would end any possibility that he would return to you. An added side-bonus?

 I thought about this.  But I can’t. If he reciprocated and leveraged  his connection to my social circle, I would be completely socially outcast and isolated.  
 

It would be just even more devastating for me. 
 

She does not know about me.  Only just found out about the first affair. 

Edited August 31, 2023 by HeartNPA

[Will am I]

2 minutes ago, HeartNPA said:

I really didn’t want to tell my friends about this because I’m so ashamed of what I’ve done. 

Totally understand.

But: are these feelings fear and shame keeping you caged?

My best moment was when I recognized that the guilt and stress were really hurting me and I should not stay silent. I confided with a male friend. That took so much pressure off, that the whole situation became easier to handle and it became easier to make the right choices. 

A good friend will give you some fire but then also compassion. Since you already realized yourself that what you did wasn’t the smartest thing, what are you still afraid of? 

[HeartNPA]

1 minute ago, Will am I said:

A good friend will give you some fire but then also compassion. Since you already realized yourself that what you did wasn’t the smartest thing, what are you still afraid of? 

Losing my friends.  My friend circle was just recently devastated by an affair and I know this would not be forgiven

[Will am I]

Are MM or his wife somehow connected to your friend circle?

Or is this a more general judgemental attitude against affairs that you foresee?

[S2B]

11 minutes ago, HeartNPA said:

Losing my friends.  My friend circle was just recently devastated by an affair and I know this would not be forgiven

Send her an anonymous message. It can out him but keep your identity hidden.

you can allow her to know that you understand she knows about the other affair - but that you want her to understand he also had another affair more recently (or possibly BOTH at the same time).

Edited August 31, 2023 by S2B