would this bother you?

[heavenonearth]

2 hours ago, SurfCity said:

Your boyfriend had to have known a large number of people were canceling because his portion of how much he would be expected to pay would've kept going up and up. 

good point, i havent thought about that 

[heavenonearth]

1 hour ago, NuevoYorko said:

Did the two of you talk this through at depth before he went on the trip?   Lots of people would not be comfortable with this situation, it doesn't make you out to be insecure or a jealous person.  It should have been discussed thoroughly and both of you honestly  comfortable with it - including the part where he's leaving for a trip when you are going to be having surgery.

I'm curious why you didn't plan a vacation that would not conflict with your surgery dates, unless your surgery is an urgent situation.  If the latter, that's a bit more strange that he would leave you on your own unless you were extremely encouraging that he should do so.

no, we didnt talk about it at all. your curiousity makes me curious too. i dont know  and of course the trip was planned before i knew i had surgery. i knew about my surgery two weeks prior.

[Gaeta]

@heavenonearth: Do you have someone to care for you after your surgery?

[heavenonearth]

47 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

@heavenonearth: Do you have someone to care for you after your surgery?

not really 😕 but it is ok, i can take care of myself. it's not too bad, it was just a septoplasty.

[MsJayne]

You were invited along on the trip so I wouldn't be concerned, it's just an unfortunate turn of events that you had to go for surgery. If he's sending photos and trying to include you by staying in touch that's his way of letting you know he's thinking about you and missing you. You'll probably meet the mystery travel companion one day and end up being great friends with her  . 

[Gaeta]

10 minutes ago, heavenonearth said:

septoplasty.

Hey! I had that done years ago, my first days were bad! it's so hard to sleep with our nose packed with bandages! Poor girl!

[heavenonearth]

10 minutes ago, MsJayne said:

You were invited along on the trip so I wouldn't be concerned, it's just an unfortunate turn of events that you had to go for surgery. If he's sending photos and trying to include you by staying in touch that's his way of letting you know he's thinking about you and missing you. You'll probably meet the mystery travel companion one day and end up being great friends with her  . 

Thanks for this, I really hope so. I just have had so many bad experiences in the past that it is difficult to shake in this situation.

[heavenonearth]

10 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

Hey! I had that done years ago, my first days were bad! it's so hard to sleep with our nose packed with bandages! Poor girl!

Yeah... difficulty with breathing and sleep, what is that even, LOL

[Weezy1973]

4 hours ago, MsJayne said:

You were invited along on the trip so I wouldn't be concerned, it's just an unfortunate turn of events that you had to go for surgery.

Yes, fully agree with this. And he wouldn’t necessarily have known of the other cancellations either. Since you’re friends with the friends he’s going with, I really don’t think you have anything to worry about. This is past experiences playing with your mind. Nothing to do with the current situation.

[Ami1uwant]

5 hours ago, heavenonearth said:

not really 😕 but it is ok, i can take care of myself. it's not too bad, it was just a septoplasty.

A nose job?

[Gaeta]

53 minutes ago, Ami1uwant said:

A nose job?

Reconstruction of the wall between the nostrils. It's to correct internal deviation that keeps you from properly breathing through the nose. 

[heavenonearth]

1 hour ago, Ami1uwant said:

A nose job?

that would be a rhinoplasty. that is a different thing.

[Lotsgoingon]

OK, I was reading so fast I minimized the surgery or missed that you were recovering from surgery. 

So I think that's the issue--not the fact that there is a woman involved with the outing. 

I had major surgery a year ago, and I'm aware that there are people who naturally know to take care of the partner and there are good people who don't know that or who aren't really comfortable taking care of partners when the partner is recovering. 

In the future, ASK him to stay ahead of time. He's clueless apparently about this. Tell him to stay and to be ready to cook you meals and hug you and give you lots of tlc when you have any kind of illness or condition. It's odd but true--lots of people don't really have the natural skill of giving tlc. And if they had that skill, they wouldn't have gone away on a trip most likely. Now, if next time he turns you down despite you directly asking, that would be a major problem. 

My father worked in medicine and he was an amazing caretaker whenever I was sick or recovering from something. He was better than my mother, who was the touchy-feely person. I picked up this skill/awareness from him, but lots of guys don't easily pick this up until they are much older. 

But definitely be direct next time even if that annoys you and you think he "should" know to stay with you. 

Edited September 2, 2023 by Lotsgoingon

[Gaeta]

@heavenonearth: how long you had the surgery when he left? Or you had the surgery after he left?

[Weezy1973]

The “supporting you after surgery” thing also isn’t a thing, given the trip was planned for a year way before your surgery was scheduled. If it was the other way around, maybe that would be something, but even still, certainly you could get support from someone other than your boyfriend if you felt you really needed it. And as you’ve said, you don’t actually feel you need it. 

[Ami1uwant]

1 hour ago, Gaeta said:

Reconstruction of the wall between the nostrils. It's to correct internal deviation that keeps you from properly breathing through the nose. 

 

1 hour ago, heavenonearth said:

that would be a rhinoplasty. that is a different thing.

 

I had nasal caitorization and deviated septum surgery previously years ago when  I was 16-22.

[Lotsgoingon]

In my view the surgery trumps the vacation trip, even if he had already paid for the vacation trip.  

Recovering from surgery can be really a difficult and emotionally vulnerable time. It's not like getting shot or something. People often get quite scared. They're often tired after the surgery. Sore. In pain. Pain killers don't always work like they should. There can be odd side effects from the surgery or from medication after surgery. People often need help with icing the relevant area. It's hard to think clearly, hard to feed yourself. Sleep can get disrupted. Anxiety can go sky high when you're alone and hurting and unsure about whether something went wrong or not. 

When we're kids, mommy and daddy take care of this. Well, when we're adults, we still benefit from someone to do the caretaking. If you've got a close partner, you're going to want them around after major surgery. Heck you're going to want them to take you to the surgery, sit in the room as you are prepped for surgery (often the scariest part) and then be there to take you home.