magonzalezam Posted September 2, 2023 Share Posted September 2, 2023 I have been married to my wife next month 1 year. We have been together for 17- years and have two kids. I just found out she was trying to hook up with my friend/ roommate when we had just started having a relationship. So I thought we were in a relationship. She said we were not in a relationship. In the beginning we went on a camping trip with friends. I couldn't make it the first day. I arrived the second day. She slept in a tent with my friend/ roommate. She said nothing happened; it was his fault for not trying. Fast forward a few months. She moved in with me and my friend/roommate. We lived in the apartment for 3 months until we got our own place. Fast forward 17 years later two kids and married. I JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT THIS. She is saying it’s not a big deal. She had no feelings for him. I feel like there were feeling due to wanting to hook up....... I think it is weird/wrong living with us. If you wanted to hook up!!! I feel sick. Betrayed/cheated on/lied to/bamboozled. I feel like OUR life would have taken a different route. I would have never pursued her if I would have known about the (wanting to hook up) Am I wrong for having these feelings? Am I overreacting? Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted September 2, 2023 Share Posted September 2, 2023 (edited) Had the two of you agreed to be exclusive? Or could there have been ambiguity? What is your culture and was multi dating a thing 17 years ago? All in all, your feelings are valid. But is it something you'd blow up your family over? This decision would underpin whether or not this is a hill to die on. Edited September 2, 2023 by basil67 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted September 2, 2023 Share Posted September 2, 2023 4 hours ago, magonzalezam said: .. I think it is weird/wrong living with us. If you wanted to hook up. Sorry this is happening. Are you still friends with your former roommate? Was he the one who was interested in hooking up with your wife? They never actually hooked up, he just wanted to? It's upsetting news but reflect if throwing away 17 years and your family is worth it. How is the relationship in general? Do you get along well? Is there still intimacy? How did this recent news come into the conversation? Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted September 2, 2023 Share Posted September 2, 2023 (edited) You're not wrong for the feelings. However, it does sound like you and she were on different pages WRT your relationship status at the time. Given that, and the fact that nothing happened except interest on her part, one would question whether it makes any sense at all to throw away a 17 year relationship with kids over this (if you're starting to lean in that direction). People get attracted to various others in their environment. It's part of life, how babies eventually get made, etc, etc. There are times when following your first instinct/"gut reaction" is a huge mistake (think about road rage incidents as one example). Take some time and deep breaths, take a higher perspective on all this, and deal with it maturely - it was almost 2 decades ago and nothing happened. Passing interest in another doesn't invalidate your whole relationship. If you feel it's necessary, you might consider talking to a therapist to help you process this. I suspect your kids would thank you, if the alternative is divorcing. Edited September 2, 2023 by mark clemson 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Alpacalia Posted September 2, 2023 Share Posted September 2, 2023 (edited) Casually speaking, it seems like the issue here, and I could be mistaken, is that you might be harboring thoughts that your relationship could have taken a different path had you known about this situation. There could also be a struggle with the idea that, at some point, she might have favored your friend or roommate over you, making it seem like she settled for you instead of pursuing the person she had a crush on. The other issue is that your wife is saying it's not a big deal and that there were no feelings, which really made you feel devalued and unimportant in her life. You are not wrong for having these feelings and if you think it is something that needs to be addressed, then you should talk to her about it. At the same time, feelings do change and evolve and she might have had some feelings for your friend/roommate but that is not the same for her now. Edited September 2, 2023 by Alpacalia Link to post Share on other sites
JTSW Posted September 4, 2023 Share Posted September 4, 2023 She wanted to hook up with someone 17 years ago before she became exclusive with you. Nothing ever happened so it no longer matters. She built a life with you and she loves you. Do you really want to blow up your family over something that never happened? Everyone has someone in their past that they would've liked to have hooked up with. Doesn't mean anything now. Link to post Share on other sites
MsJayne Posted September 4, 2023 Share Posted September 4, 2023 How would I feel? I would feel like she should have just kept her mouth shut about it, especially the bit about it being "his fault for not trying", and also disputing whether or not you were already in a relationship. I would also be left wondering if I was the consolation prize. Why would she bring this up 17 years later? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted September 5, 2023 Share Posted September 5, 2023 You said that you just found out. How did you find out? Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted September 5, 2023 Share Posted September 5, 2023 I’d be wondering why she is telling this info now? Is it her intention to end the marriage and that’s why she is spilling this into? Link to post Share on other sites
ShyViolet Posted September 5, 2023 Share Posted September 5, 2023 I'm sure it was shocking to find out this information. But yes you are 100% overreacting. This is something that happened 17 years ago. She was a different person back then, it was before you had a family and it was probably before you were exclusive. You need to put this in perspective and not risk ruining your family over something that happened almost twenty years ago. That is a bit ridiculous. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted September 5, 2023 Share Posted September 5, 2023 Did she tell you this? And were both of you arguing when this was revealed? I feel like I’ve read this before at least twice - are you posting this again? If so there was advice in previous threads about rumination, couples therapy etc. How’s the relationship now? How do you both treat one another? Obsessive compulsive thoughts like this can overtake when the relationship is in a deficit and both of you are bickering and fighting all the time. Link to post Share on other sites
Author magonzalezam Posted September 6, 2023 Author Share Posted September 6, 2023 Hi, I was opening up the Ipad. A bunch of text messages popped open, I read one that said. The one you could have chosen likes you facebook post weird. Then the next message was I 'always' wondered what would have happened, maybe I could have changed things............. I haven't spoken to the roommate/ friend in over 10 years. It's just hurtful. Is she ALWAYS still wondering ??? We have a great relationship. In the beginning we were intimated for two months, then the camping trip. I was spending my off days at her place. Which was two hours away. So I thought we were in a relationship........... Link to post Share on other sites
JTSW Posted September 8, 2023 Share Posted September 8, 2023 On 9/6/2023 at 5:10 AM, magonzalezam said: Hi, I was opening up the Ipad. A bunch of text messages popped open, I read one that said. The one you could have chosen likes you facebook post weird. Then the next message was I 'always' wondered what would have happened, maybe I could have changed things............. I haven't spoken to the roommate/ friend in over 10 years. It's just hurtful. Is she ALWAYS still wondering ??? We have a great relationship. In the beginning we were intimated for two months, then the camping trip. I was spending my off days at her place. Which was two hours away. So I thought we were in a relationship........... So she's friends with him on Facebook. Was the message from her or him? Link to post Share on other sites
Author magonzalezam Posted September 14, 2023 Author Share Posted September 14, 2023 JTSW She is friends with him on facebook. These messages were to her sister. He just liked a post of our kids. Link to post Share on other sites
FMW Posted September 14, 2023 Share Posted September 14, 2023 So the issue is not what did or did not happen 17 years ago, but that his liking a post resulted in her telling her sister she "always wondered" about him. I don't think anyone would be especially happy about that, but be careful to only give it the weight and meaning it deserves. Maybe it was just a momentary nostalgia thing, more about feeling the passing of time and getting older than any real "wondering" about him. "always" was likely just a turn of phrase, fluffy girl-talk, not literal. If you felt secure and happy with your marriage prior to this discovery, try to put this in perspective and don't let your imagination run wild. Talk to your wife, let her know how you are feeling and see what she has to say. Link to post Share on other sites
JTSW Posted September 14, 2023 Share Posted September 14, 2023 We've all 'wondered' about someone in our past. It has no relevance on where we are and who we're with today. It doesn't change anything. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted September 14, 2023 Share Posted September 14, 2023 On 9/2/2023 at 2:04 AM, magonzalezam said: Am I wrong for having these feelings? Am I overreacting? Feelings aren't wrong. This is new info to you & it hurts. If you found out 16 years ago that was the time to do something. Now almost 2 decades later after 2 kids & a marriage you have to let it go. If she's been faithful to you since you two got your own place all those years ago, be happy about that & return to your regularly scheduled marriage / relationship. Do tell her what you read. Explain that you didn't go snooping but now the cat is out of the bag & your feelings are hurt. Since she's talking about the past with her sister, now in the present, you are going to have to ask her how she's feeling. Even though you have been together for 17+ years & have kids, the status change to marriage may have stirred up some issues. It is odd that she's friends with this guy on social media but you are not. Him liking a picture of your kids doesn't make him a threat per se but the idea of him, to her as the one who go away, that is more troubling. He's not your problem. She is. Talk to her. Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted September 14, 2023 Share Posted September 14, 2023 8 hours ago, magonzalezam said: She is friends with him on facebook. These messages were to her sister. He just liked a post of our kids. Is there anything else going on with your marriage at this time? This FB thing seems blown out of proportion for decades of marriage and kids to suddenly want to implode your marriage over. Link to post Share on other sites
JTSW Posted September 14, 2023 Share Posted September 14, 2023 8 hours ago, magonzalezam said: JTSW She is friends with him on facebook. These messages were to her sister. He just liked a post of our kids. Honestly it means absolutely nothing. Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted September 14, 2023 Share Posted September 14, 2023 Get yourselves into marriage counseling asap. Link to post Share on other sites
Jakobslander Posted September 19, 2023 Share Posted September 19, 2023 (edited) x Edited September 19, 2023 by Jakobslander Link to post Share on other sites
Jakobslander Posted September 19, 2023 Share Posted September 19, 2023 (edited) Initially I was going to recommend you let it go (I went through a similar experience) but your subsequent posts raise many red flags. You need to tell your wife to stop communicating with the guy, unfriend him from any social media and to explain to you what it is that is going on. This must be incredibly humiliating to you... Edited September 19, 2023 by Jakobslander Link to post Share on other sites
Author magonzalezam Posted September 20, 2023 Author Share Posted September 20, 2023 Jakobslander Very much so............... Link to post Share on other sites
JTSW Posted September 20, 2023 Share Posted September 20, 2023 Any updates OP? Did you speak with your wife about how you feel about all this? 22 hours ago, Jakobslander said: You need to tell your wife to stop communicating with the guy, unfriend him from any social media I agree with this. Link to post Share on other sites
Author magonzalezam Posted September 20, 2023 Author Share Posted September 20, 2023 JTSW Yes, we have spoken. She insist nothing happened between them, Nore were there any feelings for him. She apologized for the text. She said it meant nothing. I'm still upset about all this................ Link to post Share on other sites
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