How to justify leaving my kids

[Sounsure55]

I’m hoping for some feedback. Ive been married 14 years and we have 3 beautiful kids that are my entire world. I pride myself in being a great father and give all my time, energy and focus to all my children. I was 4 when my dad left me, and he never came back again, I’m 45 now. I had a father figure that came into my life when I really needed one and he took advantage of that and abused me for years behind my moms back, she still doesn’t know the horrible things he did to me. 
I’m no longer in love with my wife, she often yells at the kids for nothing which triggers me. She is constantly anxious and overbearing. We have little to no se life and we operate more as roommates and co-parents even though our parenting styles are so very different which is not how we thought it would be before we had kids and talked about it.  We present like a happily married couple that has everything to our friends and family, but no one knows how truly unhappy I am every single day with her. I feel stuck and unhappy and we’ve talked about that a few times and nothing ever changes for longer than a couple weeks then we are right back to the same spot. We’ve talked about not staying together strictly for the kids, but yet we are still here.
 

The only thing that brings me happiness is the kids, and I know I could be happier on my own without her because each day is becoming unbearable with her. It’s unimaginable losing time with my kids, I would fight to have them as much as possible, but even half the time with them breaks my heart. How do I know they will be safe, how do I deal with not tucking them in every night, or seeing their faces every day? Will they hate me and never forgive me?

 

 I don’t know what I should do and how I can move past this feeling of I’m leaving my kids instead of I’m leaving my wife. 
 

 

[mark clemson]

That's a tough one and there is no easy answer.

One thing that might help you make a decision (either way) is to consult with a family attorney and find out what the likely parameters of a divorce outcome are likely to be in your jurisdiction. In the US, many family attorneys/divorce lawyers will do free 1/2 hour consults. You can ask a few different ones, and get some of your questions answered. Hearing something like "in our state, the woman almost always gets the kids full time AND the house" might send you one way, whereas hearing something like "the courts mandate 50/50 custody time here unless there's compelling evidence of negligent parenting or other special circumstances" might send you another.

Few lawyers will give you a fully straight answer, and that's in part because there tend to be too many details they don't know about early on that can swing things one way or another. However, you could probably get a sense of what the parameters are likely to be like, without a guarantee, by asking the right questions.

It's worth pointing out, and you're likely already keenly aware of this unfortunately, is that some degree of shared custody is probably inevitable, and you're simply not in control of whom your (ex if you divorce) wife might bring into her, and through her your children's, lives. So there would always be a risk, unfortunately.

Edited September 2, 2023 by mark clemson

[OKtoday]

Once you are in a better place, you’ll realize how much more you can bring to their lives and even what a better role model you can be.

Strengths in yourself will emerge that were not able to grow in the current environment and they will help all of you.

[Wiseman2]

17 hours ago, Proudfatherof3 said:

I’m I can move past this feeling of I’m leaving my kids instead of I’m leaving my wife.

Sorry this is happening. Please consult an attorney for information, support and advice about your particular situation.

Custody and visitation arrangements vary greatly. They'll always be your children. You'll always have access to them but if you divorce, it could be shared custody or even full custody with your wife having limited visitation.

Only an attorney in your jurisdiction can give you the possible scenarios if you leave your wife.

"I love my kids but I can't stand their mother" is not a good place to be. Perhaps consider therapy privately and confidentiality to unpack and sort things out before you make a decision. Even if you leave you'll still have to coparent.

Edited September 3, 2023 by Wiseman2

[Mrin]

Let me tell you a story. I think you need it. Many years ago I was in a marriage that wasn't so bad. It wasn't so good either. We were good friends and that was about it. Neither of us was very happy. We weren't sad but we also weren't happy. I was the breadwinner and as such traveled extensively. I guess you could call me the Ward Cleaver or weekend Dad stereotype. She was the primary caregiver. When we divorced I was so worried about losing time with my kids. It ate me up. Crushed me.

So I decided to become a different dad. I changed my job around so that I would travel only on the weeks that I didn't have custody. And... On the weeks that I did have custody I dedicated myself to becoming a different dad and establishing a different relationship with my children. I threw my energy into learning how to create a loving household. How to cook. Clean. Decorate. Do an idiotic amount of laundry. Help with homework. And yes... Grocery shop. I learned how to listen. How to tuck them in. How to shop for clothes for them. I learned how to laugh and I learned how to cry as a dad. I learned how to put on mascara. I learned that a well-timed hug could right many wrongs. I learned how to be a tough disciplinarian. And a gentle soul. How to make them giggle.

Honestly... Getting a divorce and only having my kids 50% of the time was the best thing it ever happened to us. I believe that. And they believe that. They got the dad they always wanted. And I got to be the dad I always wanted to be. I made them a home and, together, we made amazing memories.

Sometimes less is more. I'm going to tell you a dirty little divorce secret. The "off weeks" or "off times" when you don't have custody are amazing. You can do all of your "me stuff" then. You can get your act together. The house clean. The pantry stocked and healthy yummy meals planned. You can go to poker night. Catch a game with the buddies. Go on a trip. Get involved with your church. Pick up a hobby. Heck, even date. Recharge your batteries. It's all about you. And when it's your "on time" you can focus on being the best dad you can be. A Dr. Huxtable sort of dad. Fully present. It is all about what you do with the opportunity man. It really is. 

Best of luck!

Mrin

Edited September 3, 2023 by Mrin

[MsJayne]

On 9/3/2023 at 2:16 AM, Proudfatherof3 said:

I’m no longer in love with my wife, she often yells at the kids for nothing which triggers me. She is constantly anxious and overbearing.

So what's going on with this? Has she always been neurotic? Is it possible that your relationship makes her angry and she takes it out on the kids? I ask that because I grew up with a very angry and abusive father, and I do hold him responsible for his choice of behaviour because he was an adult and should have known better, but when I was older I realised that his anger was actually caused by my mother and I was just the dumping ground. As a family I think we would have been much better off if they'd divorced, he would have been a much better father if he wasn't being needled by my mother every day of his life. Have you ever talked to your wife about her toxic behaviour? 

[Will am I]

On 9/2/2023 at 6:16 PM, Proudfatherof3 said:

she often yells at the kids for nothing which triggers me

Work privately with a therapist. Discern to what extent it is a rational choice for you to leave the marriage and what part is actually triggered by your childhood trauma. 

[Sounsure55]

She has become very anxious and is a perfectionist and it’s gotten worse over the years and moreso after the kids were born. We have talked about her yelling at them and she says I’m just too sensitive because of my history. I’ve said she may want to consider some medication to curb the anxiety or take time off from the kids but she rejects both. I do the best I can to take the edge off and I take care of the kids myself every chance I get, she even tries to control that and doubts that I can watch my own kids sometimes.  She’s not a bad person, I used to love her. Now it’s just like living with a roommate that I just don’t enjoy being around.

[Will am I]

It sounds like she hurt your feelings a lot of times and that grafually caused your heart to turn away from her.

Does she realize that you’re not having it like this anymore? Does she realize that you walking out the door is actually a real possibility?

[Sounsure55]

5 minutes ago, Will am I said:

Work privately with a therapist. Discern to what extent it is a rational choice for you to leave the marriage and what part is actually triggered by your childhood trauma. 

I had several sessions privately with a therapist about this specific thing and sharing the trauma. I had to look at what my contribution is to her getting to that point with the kids and I tried to improve on that by offering her time away from the kids for her to have ‘me’ time and unwind. It helped for a short period of time and the yelling may have curbed a bit, but not much. She doesn’t see it as a problem. I think there are times the kids should get yelled at, but if you yell over every little thing the big things that need that type of reaction seem insignificant.

 

I will be contacting a therapist again to focus more on how I can deal with not being a full time father and not feel guilty or like a failure.

[Will am I]

1 minute ago, Proudfatherof3 said:

the yelling may have curbed a bit, but not much. She doesn’t see it as a problem

Would she see it as a problem if she knew it would be a cause for you to leave?

[Sounsure55]

52 minutes ago, Will am I said:

Would she see it as a problem if she knew it would be a cause for you to leave?

I think she would say I’m overreacting and then guilt me for breaking up the family. 

[basil67]

Different parenting strategies are bad for the kids as well as bad for the marriage.  And if you left, the difference would still be bad for the kids. 

Is your wife aware that she snaps at the kids for no reason?  Have the two of you ever sought help to parent in a more cohesive manner? 

I'm also wondering how her mental health is.  What is her general demeanor.  The reason I ask is that I went on anti depressants and one of the side effects was that it calmed me right down with both husband and kids.  It gave me time to do that mental pause required to think before reacting.

If you're set to leave, then do that....but because there are kids involved who will suffer no matter what the outcome of your marriage, I'm of a mind to not leave any stones unturned.   

Edited September 3, 2023 by basil67

[Sounsure55]

1 hour ago, basil67 said:

Different parenting strategies are bad for the kids as well as bad for the marriage.  And if you left, the difference would still be bad for the kids. 

Is your wife aware that she snaps at the kids for no reason?  Have the two of you ever sought help to parent in a more cohesive manner? 

I'm also wondering how her mental health is.  What is her general demeanor.  The reason I ask is that I went on anti depressants and one of the side effects was that it calmed me right down with both husband and kids.  It gave me time to do that mental pause required to think before reacting.

If you're set to leave, then do that....but because there are kids involved who will suffer no matter what the outcome of your marriage, I'm of a mind to not leave any stones unturned.   

Part of me hopes that the forced break she would get with the kids when they are with me would decompress her. But it could have the opposite effect.

 

she is aware, she just doesn’t see it as issue. No we haven’t sought helped but we have talked about it on many occasions how we parent differently. She has trouble letting go of control often so she stays stressed and overreacts. 
 

medications are off the table, I’ve suggested it the most gentle ways I can but she adamantly refuses she has any issues requiring that. 
 

I agree, I’ve been hanging on and trying. Just not sure how much longer I can and I need to really think about how I can still be the dad I want to be if I’m not married and there 24/7

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, Proudfatherof3 said:

. Now it’s just like living with a roommate that I just don’t enjoy being around.

Unfortunately the marriage is the problem. It could be confusing for the kids if you two are not a united front and playing good parent/bad parent. Sadly it's not good for the kids to see their mother as the disciplinarian monster and you as the "good guy".

  Try to mellow things out without letting your contempt for her or the underlying martial breakdown ooze into the children's lives this much. 

What you can do is try to deescalate situations. Don't threaten divorce. Simply inform yourself privately. And also allow a therapist to guide you. 

 

[Lotsgoingon]

Most likely the abuse is affecting your judgement. And your mother doesn't know you were abused by her bf? Dude, that's going to mess up all your relationships, that you hide the biggest pain in the world from this woman. You do that and you inevitably will end up hiding all kinds of things from your wife and from friends, and from yourself!

Does your wife know about the abuse?

Get to therapy--you're way way overdue. BTW: what often happens in your situation is that the partner in your position (who was abused) keeps distance (an old protection strategy rooted in the abuse). Because that partner keeps distance, the other partner gets anxious, and sometimes aggressive as if to try to spark some energy in the relationship. 

It's also likely that you may have a fear of confrontation. You couldn't confront your abuser, couldn't even tell and confront your mother about the abuse. OMG, your relationship trust was violated. And unfortunately we carry that kind of thing right into a marriage.

Go to therapy for the abuse--and then from there you will likely be able to start some new conversations and behavior with your wife. Without really getting some good healing and treatment, you're going to just go out and repeat the same pattern with the next woman. 

Just to be clear here, your worry about the kids makes sense given your history. You are protective of kids in the way that no one was protective of you when you were a kid. And you might have turned your wife (in your mind) into your mother. So of course, you don't have any worry about harming her. Time to come out of isolation and silence and get some insight and with that, some t healing and power and recovery.

There is nothing wrong with you but child sexual abuse makes it easy to think there is something wrong with you and to feel like someone is wrong with you and to act like something is wrong with you. 

You're an adult now. You have the skills and authority and courage to take on this issue. Good luck. 

 

 

Edited September 4, 2023 by Lotsgoingon

[basil67]

2 hours ago, Proudfatherof3 said:

she is aware, she just doesn’t see it as issue. No we haven’t sought helped but we have talked about it on many occasions how we parent differently. She has trouble letting go of control often so she stays stressed and overreacts. 

Does she know that you're now at the point of leaving the marriage due to her behaviour?  

How do the kids feel about her behaviour?   

Edited September 4, 2023 by basil67

[Will am I]

7 hours ago, Proudfatherof3 said:

I think she would say I’m overreacting and then guilt me for breaking up the family. 

I was asking this to discern between ignorance and arrogance, between not knowing and not caring.

 

The way you paint it, she doesn’t care about your feelings. If that is really how you feel about her, I think you owe her as much as to express that feeling. And depending on her response it will challenge you or confirm you.

[JTSW]

On 9/2/2023 at 5:16 PM, Proudfatherof3 said:

I’m no longer in love with my wife, she often yells at the kids for nothing which triggers me. She is constantly anxious and overbearing.

 

12 hours ago, Proudfatherof3 said:

She has become very anxious and is a perfectionist and it’s gotten worse over the years

 

10 hours ago, Proudfatherof3 said:

She has trouble letting go of control often so she stays stressed and overreacts. 

 

11 hours ago, Proudfatherof3 said:

I think she would say I’m overreacting and then guilt me for breaking up the family. 

 

12 hours ago, Proudfatherof3 said:

I do the best I can to take the edge off and I take care of the kids myself every chance I get, she even tries to control that and doubts that I can watch my own kids sometimes.

From the above statements, she will not make things easy for you so definitely speak with an attorney to find out what your legal options are.

What you need to remember OP is that kids will pick up on the change going on between you and your wife.

They too will become affected, so the longer you leave it, the unhappier the whole household will become.

The more stressed your wife will become because at the moment she doesn't think you are serious.

[mark clemson]

You may not have time for this, depending on how things go, but consider researching the "Drama Triangle" on the internet and see if they dynamics described for it apply to you and your wife's relationship with each other and with the kids. At best it could help you both become aware of these dynamics and help you to start changing them. Or, if you divorce, it could help you keep an eye out for people (including possibly yourself) who play out this dynamic in their relationships and/or unconsciously gravitate towards it.

[Sounsure55]

18 hours ago, Lotsgoingon said:

Most likely the abuse is affecting your judgement. And your mother doesn't know you were abused by her bf? Dude, that's going to mess up all your relationships, that you hide the biggest pain in the world from this woman. You do that and you inevitably will end up hiding all kinds of things from your wife and from friends, and from yourself!

Does your wife know about the abuse?

Get to therapy--you're way way overdue. BTW: what often happens in your situation is that the partner in your position (who was abused) keeps distance (an old protection strategy rooted in the abuse). Because that partner keeps distance, the other partner gets anxious, and sometimes aggressive as if to try to spark some energy in the relationship. 

It's also likely that you may have a fear of confrontation. You couldn't confront your abuser, couldn't even tell and confront your mother about the abuse. OMG, your relationship trust was violated. And unfortunately we carry that kind of thing right into a marriage.

Go to therapy for the abuse--and then from there you will likely be able to start some new conversations and behavior with your wife. Without really getting some good healing and treatment, you're going to just go out and repeat the same pattern with the next woman. 

Just to be clear here, your worry about the kids makes sense given your history. You are protective of kids in the way that no one was protective of you when you were a kid. And you might have turned your wife (in your mind) into your mother. So of course, you don't have any worry about harming her. Time to come out of isolation and silence and get some insight and with that, some t healing and power and recovery.

There is nothing wrong with you but child sexual abuse makes it easy to think there is something wrong with you and to feel like someone is wrong with you and to act like something is wrong with you. 

You're an adult now. You have the skills and authority and courage to take on this issue. Good luck. 

 

 

No I never told my mom. And doing that at this point will only hurt her and her health, so that’s out of the question. I won’t put that on her.

 

yes I told the wife about it, just a few years ago.

 

I have been to some therapy about it, but agree I could use more. 

[Sounsure55]

18 hours ago, basil67 said:

Does she know that you're now at the point of leaving the marriage due to her behaviour?  

How do the kids feel about her behaviour?   

I don’t think she realizes I’m at that point or at least doesn’t think I would actually follow through with leaving because of my history.

 

the kids are young-so they cry or shut down and sometimes just seem confused. I don’t undermine her in front of them, but I do talk to her about it afterwards. And she usually is apologetic and has excuses-I just hate it. Kids need to be kids and be kept safe-but yelling at them over every little thing isn’t good for anyone.

[Lotsgoingon]

You don't have to tell your mother now to heal. You DO want to value your wellbeing as highly as you value hers--especially given that you were the target of the abuse right under her eyes.

It's not so important that you tell her, but it is important that you come to terms with some anger against her, though again, you don't need to confront her. I did all kinds of therapy exercises where in the therapist's office I stood up to people I couldn't stand up to in real life. The inner healing is what's important, knowing and feeling that you have a right to stand up for yourself. Finding the words to defend yourself and speaking those words and feeling those words as they resonate through your body. 

I do worry you're prioritizing your mother's well being over yours. She has no greater right to healing than you do. You were the victimized one---under her watch. She has no right to protection from that knowledge. You can be kind and nice to her and all of that and just know (and you may need to get to a better therapist) that being nice to a parent who allowed abuse can easily turn into superficial fake niceness. Or self-neglecting niceness. And again, we can get used to neglecting ourselves in the interaction with someone like a mother and we bring that same self-neglect to our relationships. 

Really sorry you experienced what you experienced and are in the marriage jam and misery that you are. 

[Alpacalia]

I can't imagine how hard this must be for you. I will say though that you have to look at it from the perspective that your children’s safety and well-being should be your main priority, even if it means you have less time with them in the short term. I am sure it may feel like you are leaving them, the truth is that you are taking steps towards creating a better life for yourself and your children.

A stable, healthier family environment is much better for your children in the long-term and separating from your wife is the only way to achieve that. Separation will of course be difficult, and it may cause a temporary period of adjustment for your kids, and for you. But as you go on you and your relationship with your kids will become stronger as your lifestyle and home environment become healthier.

You may have to make sacrifices, but those sacrifices will lead to a better, brighter future for you and your kids.

Please don't think that leaving your wife means leaving your kids rather think of it as creating a positive environment for them. That's something your children will never forget and you will have the satisfaction that you did what was best for everyone. You've suffered through a great deal trauma; your father abandoning you and the abuse inflicted upon you by someone you trusted. This is why it is so hard for to plan your exit from an unfulfilled marriage. I no doubt recognize the love, passion and dedication you have for your children. This is why you will be able to take care of them, even if you are not together with your wife. With the right support system (like counseling for you and for your children) and patience, your children will understand why you are doing this and will appreciate your honesty, love and courage.

I went through a period of not talking to my father (albeit for different reasons) and I can sympathize with your fear of your kids hating you. My father and I now are inseparable and he my biggest support system and so I truly believe it will all work out for the best. You can make the most of this situation and use it as an opportunity to help heal past wounds and create a solid foundation with your children.

[Sounsure55]

Thank you for all the advice, feedback and for letting me vent.