Am I an awful person?

[JaneUk02]

I'm currently sharing a flat with my ex. It's a complicated situation, basically we started out as just flatmates, then it developed into something more purely from being in close contact all the time, having a few drinks together and all that. I was never that into him tbh, I saw him more as a FWB but I think for him it was more serious.

Anyway I decided a few weeks ago it was time to break up. He seemed to take it well, like he knew it was coming, but that night he went out and got really drunk and later during the night I heard him sobbing in his bedroom. Clearly I'd broken his heart.

I know at that point the sensible thing would have been for me to move out, but looking for a new place this time of year just as I'm about to start my last year at uni was not an option. I was selfish, I took advantage of the fact we'd supposedly broken up "amicably" and I stayed.

Two weekends ago I met a guy and ended up going back to his place for sex. It was good, so I saw him again a couple nights later. After our second date I thought it might be best to tell my flatmate about him. I thought it might help him move on, sort of thing.
He behaved as if he was totally ok about it, even said he was happy for me, but I could tell he was upset. I should have felt sorry for him, but instead I felt this strange feeling, like I was flattered that he was suffering? Like his jealousy gave me a little tingly feeling... I don't know, I'd never felt anything like it.

I asked him if he was ok for my new bf to come round sometime. I shouldn't have done that but I was still feeling that weird tingle, and it just came out. I could tell he was taken aback, but he obviously felt like he had no choice but to say yes, so he did. Then he said if I let him know beforehand, he'd make himself scarce and let me and my bf have the place to ourselves.

I told him I might bring him home on Saturday night, which I did. This was last night. Sure enough, my flatmate wasn't here, so I figured he'd just crashed at a friend's place for the night. My bf and I had sex and he went to sleep. I was still on my phone at 2.30 am when I heard the front door and realised my flatmate had come home.

He was super quiet, probably thinking we were asleep. Didn't even flush the loo or anything. Once he was in his bedroom, this thought came to me and I just couldn't get it out of my head. I really, really wanted him to hear me and my bf have sex. I know it's horrible and wrong but I just couldn't help it, the urge was so strong.

I woke my bf up and made him hard again, then rode him. He was half asleep but I'd never felt more alive. Our walls are paper thin and I knew my flatmate could hear everything and that turned me on in a way I'd never experienced before. I knew I could get away with it morally because he'd been so quiet, for all he knew I hadn't heard him come in at all. So the next morning (today) I could pretend to be shocked when I saw him, and he'd think I hadn't realised he was next door.

I don't think I've ever moaned louder in my life, the more I thought of my flatmate listening the more turned on I felt. I'm not normally a multi-orgasmic person but as soon as I came, I felt I could go again. I came three times and if my bf hadn't cum, I could have carried on longer.

It wasn't the physical pleasure, that was ok but nothing out of the ordinary. But mentally, OMG I'd never felt anything like it. I'm so ashamed of it now because I realise I was basically getting high on hurting my ex, and he hadn't done anything to deserve that. He hasn't mistreated me, if anything I was the one who broke his heart. So why should I get a buzz from hurting him? But I did and it was so intense.

I was making noises I'd never made with him and I knew that would really humiliate him, make him think this guy was much better than him, giving me more pleasure than he could. I knew that would kill him inside and yet I couldn't stop. I just wanted him to hear more and more.

I only fully realised after sex stopped what I'd done and felt utterly awful. This morning my flatmate left early, before my bf and I got up. When he finally got back earlier this afternoon, he pretended he'd stayed out all night and I pretended to believe him.

He was behaving as if everything was fine but his eyes told a different story, I could tell he was in real pain and I felt such a monster. Still do.

Has anyone experienced anything similar before? Why would I have these thoughts? Why would I get turned on by hurting someone's feelings, someone who's done nothing to me? WTF is wrong with me? Am I basically just a cruel b****, or is this some kind of kink I wasn't aware I had?

Edited September 3, 2023 by JaneUk02
typo

[Wiseman2]

16 minutes ago, JaneUk02 said:

He was behaving as if everything was fine.

He may not care as much as you think since you two slid into sex as a sort of convenience. So he's not really an ex and he never really asked you out like a GF. Perhaps he's out looking for places or replacement roommates? 

The fact that he is indifferent to you bringing guys home seems to indicate that he really doesn't care. Perhaps it's time for you to find new roommates? 

[glows]

Treating others poorly or being inconsiderate generally means you yourself don’t think highly of yourself - poor self esteem. I know that’s probably not what you want to hear but just my two cents.

Your ex may be too gentlemanly and as a result appears submissive and not outspoken. It feels good feeling like you’re in control of the situation and making as much noise as you can because your personal life lacks the control you yearn for. If you really wanted to you’d have moved out but you’re stuck. 

You have a lot of growing up to do if you’re taking advantage of situations like this or abusing the trust and consideration others have for you especially in a shared living area. Maybe work on your self esteem and focus your efforts more on future plans after college. Your career.

Im guessing you’re in your early-mid 20s starting your last year of uni and still have time to figure things out. Right now everyone may not have a full time job, mortgages or bigger issues to think about. These things are child’s play and part of discovering yourself and testing your limits. You’ll more than likely outgrow this very quickly once school is over and you’re working and have your own place.

[JaneUk02]

21 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

He may not care as much as you think since you two slid into sex as a sort of convenience. So he's not really an ex and he never really asked you out like a GF. Perhaps he's out looking for places or replacement roommates? 

The fact that he is indifferent to you bringing guys home seems to indicate that he really doesn't care. Perhaps it's time for you to find new roommates? 

True, he didn't have to ask me out but for a few months we were effectively gf and bf, he definitely felt that way. For me it was never romantic but for him it totally was, which is why I had to break it up. He once even mentioned marriage, which totally freaked me out.

I know I should move out, when we first broke up I asked him if he wanted me to, but he said no, "we're cool" he said, so I did the lazy thing and stayed. I could still look I suppose. But I still want to understand what drove me to do what I did last night, it's like a dark side of me I didn't know I had.

I'm pretty sure he's not looking for a new roommate btw.

Edited September 3, 2023 by JaneUk02
typo

[JaneUk02]

18 minutes ago, glows said:

Treating others poorly or being inconsiderate generally means you yourself don’t think highly of yourself - poor self esteem.

Oh totally. I'm aware my self esteem is a big issue. Don't get me started on that or I'll never stop writing, there's enough material there for a psychology dissertation - sadly that's not what I'm studying.

Yeah maybe I'm reading too much into this, I was just mildly fascinated by the way the situation enhanced my pleasure and wondered if there might be a way to safely harness that, but obviously doing the same thing to him again would just be wrong and inconsiderate, as you said.

Would there be any benefit to discussing what happened openly? Like to confess that I knew he was there? I just can't stand the deception, I can't even look him in the eyes right now. I think he deserves better than for me to keep up this pretence. But on the other hand, telling the truth would be awkward and embarrassing for both of us.

Edited September 3, 2023 by JaneUk02

[glows]

4 minutes ago, JaneUk02 said:

Would there be any benefit to discussing what happened openly? Like to confess that I knew he was there? I just can't stand the deception, I can't even look him in the eyes right now. I think he deserves better than for me to keep up this pretence. But on the other hand, telling the truth would be awkward and embarrassing for both of us.

No. This would be inviting drama and creating drama out of thin air. The case is closed. You pretended he wasn’t there. He pretended he wasn’t there. You also owe each other nothing. You’re roommates so have more appropriate boundaries. He is not your partner and think about your current boyfriend’s feelings discussing your personal and sex life with someone else. There is not enough boundaries in your relationships.

The guilt you’re feeling is something you need to work out and deal with. I strongly suggest focusing on something else and don’t ruminate or obsess about this. Think of working or finding a job or two, volunteer. Don’t be passive about your career or future. Relationships are just a small slice of the pie.

[JaneUk02]

28 minutes ago, glows said:

Your ex may be too gentlemanly and as a result appears submissive and not outspoken.

Yes he is definitely the submissive type. He's very kind, but sometimes bordering on pathetic, like he was always so grateful for any sex we had. It was like he thought his gratitude would flatter me, but it had the complete opposite effect, it just put me off. I realised we just weren't compatible, I was always the dominant one and missed being dominated myself sometimes.

[Wiseman2]

18 minutes ago, JaneUk02 said:

 I was just mildly fascinated by the way the situation enhanced my pleasure .

Fantasy and novelty can enhance sexual highs. This guy is new and you were fantasizing that the roommate was listening and jealous or broken up about when in fact he seems extremely indifferent. To the point where he's like 'sure fine I'll make myself scarce'. That's not what a guy who gives a hoot does.

 

Edited September 3, 2023 by Wiseman2

[stillafool]

42 minutes ago, JaneUk02 said:

But I still want to understand what drove me to do what I did last night, it's like a dark side of me I didn't know I had.

You may want to get an appointment with a psychologist to find out why you have sadistic tendendacies.  You may be a sadist.  I can't see in your story where your roommate was hurt by what you did.  He seemed indifferent to me.  I imagine he's really glad you guys are no longer together as a couple and just someone who pays half the rent.

[JaneUk02]

3 minutes ago, stillafool said:

You may want to get an appointment with a psychologist to find out why you have sadistic tendendacies.  You may be a sadist.  I can't see in your story where your roommate was hurt by what you did.  He seemed indifferent to me.  I imagine he's really glad you guys are no longer together as a couple and just someone who pays half the rent.

I don't think I told the facts very well, he's definitely not indifferent even though he behaves that way. He's just very British (I'm only half British and see the world differently). That, combined with being a young heterosexual male with little experience of long term relationships means he doesn't know how to express his feelings, but that doesn't mean I can't read him like a book. He I didn't know 100% that he's not over me, I wouldn't have felt the buzz I did last night. Even now he's sitting on his phone opposite me and every time we look at each other, I can see how humiliated he feels, clear as day. And I get this strange mix of remorse and, again, that damn tingle that won't go away.

I know about sadism but if that's what I'm experiencing, it's totally new to me. I've never felt or displayed other sadistic traits (that I'm consciously aware of). If I could afford counselling trust me, I'd get it. I was on the waiting list for free counselling from our National Health Service for nearly two years before Covid hit and all waiting lists went out of the window. In the end I gave up waiting. As I'm not experiencing deep depression, suicidal thoughts or any other self destructive behaviours, I'm not seen as a priority. I'm sure they would have no interest in my sadistic traits or their root causes. I'll just have to figure it out myself.

[Weezy1973]

It’s just low self esteem, or more likely low self worth. Knowing some guy is pining after you is a kind of “drug”. Knowing you can impact him emotionally is the same. It’s a sign of narcissism, which is rooted in low (or no) self worth. 

[Mrin]

Resident kinkster here.

1. Did you discover a kink of yours? Sure sounds like it. The simplest term for it is cuckolding. Typically that's used to describe the male side's kink of being humiliated watching/hearing his partner have sex with another man but I would suggest looking into it. There is also an exhibitionism aspect at play here. Also look into the term "hotwifing". Question - if you heard your flatmate railing a woman and making her scream louder than you ever did with him... What do you think your reaction would be? Would you be repulsed? Unmoved? Or would you feel that same sexual thrill? There's a lot to explore here... Check out FetLife.com. Also considered taking the bdsmtest.org to see if you can nuance this a little further. Enjoy learning about your sexuality!

2. Now that you have discovered at least some part of your sexual kink, you should understand that you can actually play with it in a healthy manner. There are lots of men who are into your kink but from the male perspective. They enjoy being cuckolded. If you want to explore this further I would suggest finding partners who identify as cuckolds. You'd be surprised at the type of men who enjoy this kink. 

3. All that being said - What you are doing to your flatmate is awful. Destructive. And yes, abusive. You are doing this to him without his consent or his even expressed interest in this sort of play. Remove yourself from the situation immediately and if you are not able to do that, refrain from doing this to him again. You're being predatory. Gross.

TL;DR: This is a pretty common kink. There's nothing wrong with it. The only thing wrong is how you were going about doing it. Stop it.

Mrin

[stillafool]

40 minutes ago, JaneUk02 said:

He I didn't know 100% that he's not over me, I wouldn't have felt the buzz I did last night. Even now he's sitting on his phone opposite me and every time we look at each other, I can see how humiliated he feels, clear as day. And I get this strange mix of remorse and, again, that damn tingle that won't go away.

You felt the buzz because you're feeding your sadistic nature.  Has nothing to do with him.  He did not show actions of someoone who gives a damn about an ex balling another guy in the next room.  Sorry if that is what you wished for.  If anything what you did was tacky.  Anyone would have been able to tell that you were only doing it to get a reaction from the roommate.   I'm sure he saw throught that, but still gave you two the respect of leaving early in the morning to avoid your sex date guy from feeling awkward.  Hope you had fun with the sex regardless.  Don't stop your search for therapy because you really need it.

[MsJayne]

Why are you even asking the question? Anyone who gets a kick out of behaving like a total **** towards another human being has a lot more going on than just being "awful". I think you're overestimating your appeal, and your flatmate has probably realised by now that he had a lucky escape. Hopefully he's already been to get checked for STD's. The good thing is that you sound very young, about 14 years old, so you have plenty of time to grow up and learn some manners and other social etiquette. The thing about deliberately abusing other people is that the Karma Train will pull into your station one day. In your case it will likely be an express train. 

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, JaneUk02 said:

 I was always the dominant one and missed being dominated myself sometimes.

It may be better to figure out where you are on the BDSM spectrum in your own place on your own time with willing participants.  It doesn't really matter what makes you tingle, what matters is moving out ASAP. 

[JaneUk02]

Wow... Ok I think I need to go and think about all this. I knew I'd done wrong but reading some of these comments and the strength of reaction from some people is making me wonder if what I did is even worse than I thought. I genuinely feel terrible now.

I'm not saying this to justify my behaviour but I do have a lot of issues with low self esteem. One of the reasons I can't be single for any length of time (apart from high libido) is that I start to feel really low and start doubting my self worth even more, which affects everything.

For what it's worth, I did have a chat with my flatmate. I know I said I wouldn't but he was the one who started it. I don't even know why he decided to say it, we were just chatting about other stuff and suddenly he was like "I have something to tell you" and out it all came, how he'd come home during the night and sneaked out again in the morning. I feigned shock and asked what time he'd arrived, he said 2.30 and I went "OMG" and he just looked at me. He didn't say "I heard everything" but he was basically implying it.

Then the weirdest thing was that he started apologising to me, saying he was really sorry that he hadn't made it clear he was home but he thought we were sleeping. He said by the time he realised what was going on he was too embarrassed to make his presence known so he just lay there in silence.

Obviously I didn't get mad at him, I just pretended to be mortified (well in a way I was) and told him I didn't know what to say. Then I asked him if he was ok. He said "yeah I guess" but he was clearly lying, so I said "you're not are you?" and he shook his head. I went over and hugged him and told him I was really sorry he'd had to hear that. He didn't cry but I think he was pretty close to it. We didn't say anything for a while, then I asked what he wanted me to do, I said if he wanted me to move out I would. Straight away he said no, he didn't want that and then said "don't worry, I'll be ok". I felt like crap, I mean that. No buzz this time, just guilt.

I can't help wondering what he'd think of me if he knew I made him listen on purpose and got a kick out if it. I know now I can never, ever tell him.

We talked about other stuff and eventually we both started to relax. Now things feel kind of back to normal, so I'm hoping we can move on from this monumental mistake I made.

The thing is we really get on as friends, we're actually very similar, same sense of humour and everything. Living with him is easy, whereas in the past sharing with other people (both male and female) has ranged from mildly irritating to totally unbearable. Maybe that's why I'm so reluctant to move, but I know that's selfish of me.

Anyway, I guess if I want to explore this kink, if that's what it is, I'll have to do it with someone else. He doesn't deserve to go through any more pain because of me.

Edited September 3, 2023 by JaneUk02

[Wiseman2]

42 minutes ago, JaneUk02 said:

 I didn't get mad at him.

Why would you get mad at him? He was exceptionally tolerant and polite. Not only being put out of his own place for your escapades but minding his own business. 

[Lisa]

OP has multiple accounts/emotional extortion