lovetherain Posted September 4, 2023 Share Posted September 4, 2023 To make it shorter, I've had my friends with benefits for 4 months, we both agreed not looking for anything serious. We see each other about weekly sometimes several times a week. We talk almost everyday. We used to talk once or twice a week, and we saw each other less - which either way is fine. but he has reminded me several times it is not soley physical and he enjoys me as a person. But the other day he opened up told me he was nervous to take me out [we have been out several times but do hangout a lot at my house] because the first date which was 4 months ago [i didn't know it was a date i thought we were just hanging out. but i accidentally got drunk bc i didn't eat dinner] i was talking to everyone including other men [he didn't realize it was my personality] so he said he prefers coming to my house because we bond better and he likes it vs being out and me talking to other people. we had an entire discussion and i didn't realize how he felt -i mean i did apologize then he also met my best friend and he was so nervous about meeting her and her husband and my other friends he kinda freaked out for an hour beforehand wanting to make sure he made a good impression and wore the right thing etc, and then a week later asked me what they thought. i dont get why he needs their approval? am i overthinking? it bothers me he seems to want me to himself kinda thing which isn't right. he isnt looking for a girlfriend! I previously had feelings for him and he maintained wanting nothing serious. i let go of my feelings awhile ago, but his behavior is bothering me Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted September 4, 2023 Share Posted September 4, 2023 (edited) 5 minutes ago, lovetherain said: he isn’t looking for a girlfriend! Are you sure about that? It does kind-of sound like he’s interested. He’s doing all the things a boyfriend would do - frequent communication, wanting to make a good impression with your friends, he doesn’t like when you talk with other men. Based on your post, I would have said it sounds like he is interested in dating and you are not. Edited September 4, 2023 by BaileyB Link to post Share on other sites
aleidig Posted September 4, 2023 Share Posted September 4, 2023 15 minutes ago, BaileyB said: Are you sure about that? It does kind-of sound like he’s interested. He’s doing all the things a boyfriend would do - frequent communication, wanting to make a good impression with your friends, he doesn’t like when you talk with other men. Based on your post, I would have said it sounds like he is interested in dating and you are not. No he isn’t. I previously had feelings for him and we had this discussion, and he still said that he wasn’t looking for anything serious right now that’s why his behavior is fairly annoying because I don’t think he should be acting like that then Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted September 4, 2023 Share Posted September 4, 2023 20 minutes ago, lovetherain said: so he said he prefers coming to my house because we bond better and he likes it vs being out Sorry this is happening. Unfortunately FWB arrangements are nebulous situationships in which eventually there can be misunderstandings about "what this is?". In this case you're exclusive but he refuses to take you on dates or treat you like a GF. Not because he's jealous, because it's easy, lazy, cheap and convenient and you allow it. It doesn't seem like you're happy with the situation and hope to be treated better as in a relationship. Consider cutting your losses before there's more headaches and heartaches. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted September 4, 2023 Share Posted September 4, 2023 16 minutes ago, lovetherain said: it bothers me he seems to want me to himself kinda thing which isn't right I wouldn't necessarily assume that. If you'd been drinking too much and chatting up everyone around you the one night you two did go out, he might have just been rather annoyed and not interested in a repeat. 17 minutes ago, lovetherain said: i dont get why he needs their approval? He just sounds a bit insecure to me. He could also be wondering why you wanted him to meet your best friend when you two are not dating. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted September 4, 2023 Share Posted September 4, 2023 5 minutes ago, aleidig said: No he isn’t. I previously had feelings for him and we had this discussion, and he still said that he wasn’t looking for anything serious right now that’s why his behavior is fairly annoying because I don’t think he should be acting like that then Wait, who are you? Are you also @lovetherain? Link to post Share on other sites
Weezy1973 Posted September 4, 2023 Share Posted September 4, 2023 Are you dating anybody else? If you told him you wanted to, would that be okay? Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted September 4, 2023 Share Posted September 4, 2023 9 minutes ago, aleidig said: I previously had feelings for him and we had this discussion, and he still said that he wasn’t looking for anything serious right now Is this the same man?: Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted September 4, 2023 Share Posted September 4, 2023 50 minutes ago, aleidig said: No he isn’t. I previously had feelings for him and we had this discussion, and he still said that he wasn’t looking for anything serious right now that’s why his behavior is fairly annoying because I don’t think he should be acting like that then I don't understand, if you think he's crossing the lines of your FWB set up and now wants a relationship, but you don't, why not end it if it's annoying you? Link to post Share on other sites
Alpacalia Posted September 4, 2023 Share Posted September 4, 2023 (edited) You've fallen into the trap many do when they settle for being in a friends with benefits situation - confused feelings. He can be jealous all he wants but that doesn't mean you have to change who you are or put up with him wanting to keep you to himself. Whether he is jealous or not doesn't seem to matter in the long run - what does matter is the fact that he said that he isn't looking for anything serious. You don't have to like it (him not wanting a serious relationship), but you do have to accept it. If you can't do so, then it's best to end the relationship. Edited September 4, 2023 by Alpacalia 1 Link to post Share on other sites
IrinaM Posted September 4, 2023 Share Posted September 4, 2023 I seriously doubt the reason he doesn't take you out on dates is due to jealousy and insecurity. The most obvious explanation is that he doesn't feel like it, and he doesn't need to. Reconsider this relationship- it's not good for you. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted September 5, 2023 Share Posted September 5, 2023 (edited) I think you're the one making bad choices. He's a FWB who says he doesn't want a relationship, yet here you are introducing him to your friends and family and treating him like a boyfriend. And then his brain goes weird. If you stop doing relationship things with him (no dates, no meeting of your people, no daily contact) he won't need to overthink stuff and it will be just simple FWB. Just hookup when one of you feels the itch. And of course he doesn't take you on dates. You say your "personality" to talk with other guys when you get drunk. An apology doesn't remove the fact that this is how you behave after a few too many. Edited September 5, 2023 by basil67 Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted September 5, 2023 Share Posted September 5, 2023 Can you explain a bit more what is bothering you? The part about him wanting you to himself. Is it specifically the boring dates spent at home as opposed to going out and enjoying yourselves at different venues? I feel like the crux of what annoys you got lost in the whole post. If you tire of the at home dates and his idea of “bonding” tell him you’d like to do more and have a companion/friend to go out with as well. Rearrange the terms of your fwb agreement. Ask him what he thinks if this means a lot to you. At this time you both don’t seem on the same wavelength in regards to going out, enjoying yourselves and having the same mindset when it comes to chatting with others. So what if you like to flirt after a few drinks? You want an fwb or friends around you who accept you for you. This is not a relationship so stop letting him bog you down. Link to post Share on other sites
ShyViolet Posted September 5, 2023 Share Posted September 5, 2023 13 hours ago, lovetherain said: But the other day he opened up told me he was nervous to take me out [we have been out several times but do hangout a lot at my house] because the first date which was 4 months ago [i didn't know it was a date i thought we were just hanging out. but i accidentally got drunk bc i didn't eat dinner] i was talking to everyone including other men [he didn't realize it was my personality] so he said he prefers coming to my house because we bond better and he likes it vs being out and me talking to other people. I don't think he was being unreasonable about this at all. When you go out with someone, and then you spend much of the night getting drunk and talking to other people, that is rude. He doesn't want to go through that again because you were behaving very rudely and ignoring him for half the night basically. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
JTSW Posted September 5, 2023 Share Posted September 5, 2023 I don't know what this guys end game is, but he messes with your head too much. Your previous post he was acting like a bf, doing everything a bf does but didn't want the bf label. In that post you were going to put some distance between you, but it went the opposite way where you now spend more time together. You need to be straight with him that he is not your bf so he can't tell you not to talk to other guys and that his behaviour bothers you. He wants the bf role without the label and that can't work in a FWB situation. He doesn't get a say in what you do. Link to post Share on other sites
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