And again and again

[SoulOfOne]

I think it was Feb the last time I posted about this and it is again rearing its ugly head. Same co-worker who for some reason feels like they have it out for me.  The last time-it was my parking space.  I took advice here and moved spots. She now parks in my former space. High road.

I haven't gossiped about her, I smile and nod and go about my day. We have very little personal interaction but I am cordial. I am not her supervisor, just a peer co-worker. Her job doesn't affect mine nor mine hers. This morning we were both near the copier and I said "good morning" and she looked at another co worker and said "Good Morning, Linda!" (not my name) right around me. I just went about my business. In the last few months I have heard from one of the 2 gossipers (and I do brush off this when he told me like it was no big deal, but it bothered me) that maybe she is acting so strange to me (people notice I guess?) because she has jealousy. I said "That is too bad, I am not competing-no need to feel jealous."  I happened to be up for a small promotion which I sought after myself quietly (She could have as well but didn't) and received-that included a pay bump. I didn't tell co workers but it was obvious when I started doing the additional work-and there was a "Why does SHE get that? I bet they GAVE her a raise, I didn't get a raise when I took over (random work)" (Assuming I negotiated a raise-which I DID but I didn't publicize at all) comment made to someone she didn't know I overheard. The other person didn't say anything negative about me, only than I have a lot of experience. I also know when she took over her other work, she did not ASK for a pay raise. She complained loudly around us about NOT getting a raise. I also held my tongue when she did this.

I am a self admitted people pleaser, trying to NOT CARE if people don't like me. 

She told my support co-worker the other day that he should come work under her and did he LIKE working under me? He said he liked it very much and that he was learning a lot from me. She said to them,   "I" TOLD HER she didn't understand how to do her job.  WHAT?! I said, We had NO such conversation. What I did say was that we (all collectively) need to continually learn and understand our target markets to do our jobs well. I said this to a group of my peers yes-including her, but in no way was directing comments to her. Twisted and spouted.  I REALLY wanted to go to her and EXPLAIN "That is NOT what I said or meant."  But I think she knows that.  I just let it go.  I'm not under the assumption that my Supervisors or management think "I" am an issue and she is probably flying under their radar-it just FEELS really uncomfortable for me. I am sure for her too.  It is hard to wear a mask like nothing is bothering me. Which is why I guess I ended up back here. ugh.

Edited September 5, 2023 by SoulOfOne

[S2B]

I think you made a huge mistake when you gave up the parking space. 
urs like you handed over YOUR power.

I would calmly sit this person down and explain to them what you expect.

you expect YOUR parking spot back immediately! You expect that she stop undermining you and stop the gossip.

call it what it is! Stop acting like she isn’t treating you terribly. Let her know if she doesn’t quit the game playing you will report her nonsense to management.

then if she does it again - report her!!! 
 

stop being wimpy when someone is being the bully!!

[stillafool]

57 minutes ago, SoulOfOne said:

 I said this to a group of my peers yes-including her, but in no way was directing comments to her. Twisted and spouted.  I REALLY wanted to go to her and EXPLAIN "That is NOT what I said or meant."  But I think she knows that.  I just let it go.  I'm not under the assumption that my Supervisors or management think "I" am an issue and she is probably flying under their radar-it just FEELS really uncomfortable for me. I am sure for her too.  It is hard to wear a mask like nothing is bothering me. Which is why I guess I ended up back here. ugh.

I think in this instance you should have gone to her and explained that wasn't what you meant.  It may have cleared this all up.  It's best to address these things when they happen and not always bite your tongue which feeds your anxiety.

[S2B]

Have a voice! Speak your truth instead of avoiding conflict!!!

this person will trample all over you if you continue to allow it!!!

stop allowing it by saying nothing!

get that parking space back! It wasn’t meant for her to park there.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, SoulOfOne said:

 We have very little personal interaction but I am cordial. I am not her supervisor, just a peer co-worker. Her job doesn't affect mine nor mine hers. 

Keep doing what you are doing. Go to work, be polite and professional and steer clear of her and any gossip. Since there's no assigned parking, everyone can park wherever they want without being territorial. Pick your battles, as they say. All you can do is avoid her and enjoy your job and the other coworkers.

Edited September 5, 2023 by Wiseman2

[S2B]

Wiseman 

so you are saying stay silent and allow the bully to take over even more?

no way! Having a voice - you can do this in a polite way - but to call it what it is - is important instead of just letting the bully mow her over time and time again.

 

[Alpacalia]

What makes this kind of situation especially difficult is that you may feel like you want to do something to try to resolve the issue, but you may not be sure how to handle it. You’ve already taken the high road and been respectful and cordial in your interactions, which is great.

It's hard when you feel someone may have a personal vendetta against you, but try to remember that this may not be the case. Sometimes when I have a problem with, say, a family member, I will come from a place of vulnerability and talk about how their words or actions made me feel. This doesn't always solve the problem but it often creates a bridge, and can start a productive conversation.

You could try talking to her about what has been going on between you two, and see if that leads to some understanding and resolution. Do you think she would be receptive to a conversation like this?

[Wiseman2]

15 hours ago, SoulOfOne said:

  I'm not under the assumption that my Supervisors or management think "I" am an issue and she is probably flying under their radar-it just FEELS really uncomfortable for me.

Try to observe the demeanor of the supervisors and leadership there. See how they conduct themselves. Try to strive for that level of professionalism.

While being liked at work is important, there's no need to be a so-called "people pleaser", it's more important to be respected than liked because you have a lot more control over that.

Then notice how this person and underlings act. Is it petty? Gossiping? Backbiting? Calling each other out in little personality conflicts? 

 Think long term about promotions and respect from supervisors. That's what is important, not one annoying coworker. Try to resist the immediate gratification of telling someone off and sinking to their level. 

There are plenty of excellent books and material on dealing with problem people at work yet remaining professional and keeping your sanity.

[JTSW]

If you confront her it will give her ammunition to tell everyone that you personally verbally attacked her.

SHE will make out that you are bullying HER.

You need to go about this constructively.

Document EVERYTHING. Starting with the parking space fiasco.

Everything she says and does out of turn or in a b****y immature way.

Document everything she does to single you out.

Ask others if they are willing to give written/verbal statements regarding her bullying behaviour toward you.

Then take all this to management/HR and file a complaint.

If possible, see if you can get others to also file complaints.