Not Sure how to Proceed

[Nkaye]

Hi, quick bit of background about me and the girl i've been dating. I'm 32 M with an upper middle class job and up until a year ago I was a full time single father to a little girl. A year ago the mother moved my daughter overseas without informing me and I followed to get my daughter back. The court cases in that country cost me everything and I eventually had to give up so I am not really able to be involved. 

The woman im dating is 29, good job in a hospital and overall is very well put together. We will call her Sarah.

The problem is, we have been on 5 dates which were totally amazing, we clicked instantly, laugh, joke and just have the best time. However, as I mentioned previously I have a really sad story attached to my past and a mutual friend had informed Sarah about it (she kind of knew already but I didn't go into detail at first). So recently when me and Sarah were on a date she asked me to open up and tell her about what had happened. I was open and honest and she was so supportive and sweat about it and then we continued on with our amazing date, kissing, holding hands laughing....all seemed good. 

We went out again over the weekend and she said that she said that she was really into me and she hasn't felt like this before but had talked to her sister and best friend about me and they told her it is a bad idea to keep dating me. They didn't say why but they have got in her head. 

We had a very honest and mature conversation and she reassured me everything was good so once again we continue on with our date which again went amazing. Before the date finished we arranged to meet up on Thursday (tomorrow) and then spend the day together this weekend but since then she has been quite stand offish. I messaged yesterday to ask if we are still on for our date and I have received no reply....literally ghosted.

I am not sure what to do but every part of me wants to give her a call tonight to check in and ask if everything is ok and if we are still meeting. Is this a bad idea or is it totally fine as I have no received a reply which seems strange....oh and i've never been ghosted before. 

Sorry for the long post but just need some advise. 

 

Edited September 6, 2023 by Nkaye

[Goodguy05]

Since you have already asked her and messaged her I wouldn't double text her till you hear from her. She's probably assessing in her head what her sister and friend said about you. Let her respond in her own time and give her space to chew over in her mind how she's feeling. It'll also let her miss you and re-assess 

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, Nkaye said:

 they told her it is a bad idea to keep dating me. since then she has been quite stand offish. I messaged yesterday and I have received no reply....

Sorry this is happening. Do you feel this was an indirect way of telling you she doesn't want to get involved? 

It's unclear if her mentioning her friend's thoughts made you uncomfortable and you think she's simply ghosting or you're nervous about telling her and her response and that makes you think it's ghosting when it's only been a day to reply.

Edited September 6, 2023 by Wiseman2

[JTSW]

Give it until tomorrow and if you still haven't heard from her, text her and ask her to be honest with you if she has backed out of this with you.

Tell her ghosting is a cruel cowardly and disrespectful way to treat a person.

[Alpacalia]

Why did your mutual friend think it was their place to tell Sarah about your past?

It's really difficult to say why the mutual friend chose to tell Sarah about your past; it may be genuine concern for her, or it may be because they don't think a relationship would work out for you. It can be hard to manage when a third-party is involved in a relationship, but as long as you and Sarah are honest and open with each other, it should be ok.

Try not to overthink the situation and give her some space to think things through. Maybe give her a call to check in and see how she's doing, but don't pressure her into anything.

Sans your back story being brought up by your mutual friend, do you think Sarah would have been able to deal with your situation?

[Nkaye]

A quick update. She replied saying we are still meeting but two hours later canceled the date tomorrow due to work and also canceled our plans for Sunday but finished up asking to ‘catch up for drinks on Monday’ 

 

before I could reply, her picture had disappeared on WhatsApp. 
 

it was a very uncomfortable conversation for me to hear as women always seem to get closed off when they find out what happened to my daughter. She acted very maturely and understanding about it so I’m quite shocked she’s pulling away.

 

i guess mutual friend is not the write term. She works with someone who is engaged to my friend.  
 

I think the writing is on the wall that she’s not into it…..what do you think? 

[Wiseman2]

2 minutes ago, Nkaye said:

 finished up asking to ‘catch up for drinks on Monday’ I think  the writing is on the wall that she’s not into it…..

Sorry this is happening. Unfortunately yes it seems she's pulling away for whatever reason. Perhaps the discussion about the custody situation with your daughter would be best saved for later on and without too much detail about costs,etc. 

[Wiseman2]

4 minutes ago, ygfdhhggdfhdhdgdf said:

. With my help, you'll be able to create a personalized contract before the date, clearly stating boundaries, allowable activities, and mutual expectations. 

You didn't need an app for this. It's called in person communication. Sorry your idea doesn't seem to have value or marketability.

[ShyViolet]

It definitely does sound like she's pulling away.  You could try to text her one more time asking if she's up for another date, but if she doesn't respond positively then just leave her alone.  It really doesn't matter if it was her sister and friend who gave her the idea that dating you is not a good idea.  Ultimately it is her decision and she is doing what she feels is best.  It's not your place to try and "convince" her.  You shouldn't have to "convince" anyone to be interested in you.  If she decides that this is not for her then just accept it and move on.

[Nkaye]

10 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. Unfortunately yes it seems she's pulling away for whatever reason. Perhaps the discussion about the custody situation with your daughter would be best saved for later on and without too much detail about costs,etc. 

I agree, my thoughts are that I can't lie about me situation and she asked me straight so I told her. I didn't talk about money or anything like that, just explained why my daughter is no longer living with me as I raised her alone and she knew that already. 

[Nkaye]

8 hours ago, ShyViolet said:

It definitely does sound like she's pulling away.  You could try to text her one more time asking if she's up for another date, but if she doesn't respond positively then just leave her alone.  It really doesn't matter if it was her sister and friend who gave her the idea that dating you is not a good idea.  Ultimately it is her decision and she is doing what she feels is best.  It's not your place to try and "convince" her.  You shouldn't have to "convince" anyone to be interested in you.  If she decides that this is not for her then just accept it and move on.

I think you're right, I will never try and convince anyone and don't generally have problems hooking up with women. The problem start when I try to date more seriously. She asked me to meet on Monday so I will reach out at the weekend to schedule a meeting place and see how it goes.