Married but have fallen for someone else

[brewhouse8990]

I dont know where to turn. Dont really want to bring this up to our friends or family. So Ill try to seek out advice here. Sorry for being so long. 

 

I'm 44 my wife is 52. We have been together 20 years and married 12 years. She has 2 daughters that are grown that I help raise and love them like my own. They are 21 and 22. We have no kids together. My wife is a great woman and really takes great care of me. She doesnt deserve any of this. However I have found myself falling for a friend of mine. I have no idea if my friend feels the same way I do or not. She is also only 25 and not single either. (But not married)

 

I met her maybe 3-4 years ago through a mutual friend. We became friends but over the last year we have become close friends. We occasionally go out for a couple drinks or lunch, but we talk through phone calls or text at least a couple of times per week. Nothing has ever been said or done inappropriately between the 2 of us. It's always just as friends. She has no idea how I feel about her, or at least I dont think she does. I have no idea what her bf knows or thinks of our friendship. I rarely if ever talk to him. He doesn't really seem to do much with her. She is always flying solo. I have a very good life. My wife and I are relatively successful and we have worked extremely hard for all of the things that we have. I can't for the life of me figure out why im willing to throw all of that away on this girl. But I seriously cant stop thinking about her. If she came to me today and said she wanted to be with me, I would seriously consider dropping everything and running to her. About 6 months ago I took about a month and a half off from talking or hanging out with her. Hoping it would help me get rid of these feelings. If she contacted me, during this time, I made it short and didn't make an effort to see her. It didn't help at all. I missed her so bad. Nothing like this has ever happened to me. Even with my wife, I dont recall having feelings like this. I know she is so much younger than me, but we actually have a lot of the same interests, and I'm honestly probably a little immature for my age and she is quite mature. She mostly hangs around people my age. She has asked me on more than one occasion to go out of town with her.(concerts/cons/events) I reluctantly always make an excuse not to go. She at least pretends to like my wife. She asks about her and talks to her when we are all 3 around each other. However she only makes attempts to contact me. She has never really made an effort to be my wife's friend. She also is willing to keep things from my wife. She likes to ride on my motorcycle with me, and I told her she couldnt tell my wife. She agreed and never has said anything. I have spent so much time trying to figure out what to do or say. I cant even sleep at night anymore. I have always been faithful to my wife and any previous gfs that I have had. I dont want to cheat or be dishonest. Even though, i kind of feel like I already am. I thought that I was invincible and she has come along and broken me. I have given serious thought to just sitting her down and telling her how I feel. I feel like this is the only way to make progress. Any advise is much appreciated.

[JTSW]

If taking a long break from contact hasn't worked then it's time to cut her off completely.

You say you don't want to cheat on your wife so this is the only thing you can do.

She has a bf and yes, she is 20 years younger than you.

Maybe this is some kind of midlife crisis.

Maybe it's just a crush.

Either way, you need to remove her from your life completely.

I don't recommend telling her how you feel.

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately she seems to see you more as a father figure or mentor.

Even though you're attracted to her you seem to be operating in two different realities.

She's thinking you're an experienced older man who can advise her, and you're daydreaming about running off into the sunset together.

With respect, you may be dealing with some midlife issues and this connection and fantasy it a way to recall your more carefree youth.

[Alpacalia]

This is most likely fleeting and temporary infatuation.

She is just a figment of your imagination at this point. 

What is missing in your marriage that you feel you have to go looking outside for something else? It's natural to crave novelty after being with your wife for so long. Is it the thrill of something new that's keeping your adrenaline flowing, or are there essential elements missing in your marriage? Dive deeper into the reasons behind your feelings. Have you and your wife grown apart? Is there something you're seeking that she unintentionally isn't providing? 

You need to think it over carefully and take small steps in the right direction in order to understand what your heart truly wants.

Avoid emotionally involving your friend in this situation. Both your current partner and your friend deserve your honesty and boundaries. Your feelings most likely aren't mutual and sharing them could cause a lot of awkwardness or hurt your friendship.

[denwickdroylsden]

Don't start something you're not prepared to finish.

[stillafool]

1 hour ago, VPNash said:

I don’t see anything wrong with considering separating from your wife and exploring how you want to proceed further with your life in general and with this young lady in particular.

Separate to cheat?  So, is his wife supposed to wait around until he fiinishes his exploration of this young woman and hope that he returns to her?  No if you want this other woman OP divorce your wife and set her free to find a man she deserves.

Edited September 6, 2023 by stillafool

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, brewhouse8990 said:

 I have no idea what her bf knows or thinks of our friendship.. He doesn't really seem to do much with her. 

It seems like you're keeping her busy when her BF is busy.

Although she likes to go for motorcycle rides, hang out, etc., at the end of the day, the BF is the one she's with and having sex with.

She thinks you two are friends. You're just reliving your youth.

[brewhouse8990]

Thanks for all of the advice. I have a very fulfilling and happy life. I just got back from a 3 week European vacation with my wife. So mid life crisis never really crossed my mind. I guess it could be something like that. Or just feeling the thrill of the chase again. Who knows? Maybe subconsciously I went looking for one last adventure. Trying to prove to myself that I'm still in my prime. Either way, I really do love my wife and I am actually struggling with myself for letting this happen. Even though I didn't see it coming. I feel like we have a good strong relationship. We struggle with a few things from time to time. Normal wear and tear of a very long lasting relationship. Sex life is still pretty damn good. It's obviously settled down a little over the years, but it's not something I can complain about. I also really care about the other girl. She is very sweet and a good person. She doesnt deserve to be pulled into my issues. The comment about her looking up to me as a father figure/roll model really made me think about what was going on here. I'm probably just going to have to find a way to cut it off completely. I don't see any way I can keep her around and not have these feelings for her. She is just such a fun and intoxicating person to be around and talk to. Good chance it would creep her out, if she knew how I felt, I suppose. 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, brewhouse8990 said:

. She doesnt deserve to be pulled into my issues. The comment about her looking up to me as a father figure/roll model really made me think about what was going on here. 

You seem to have insight into this so trust your instincts.  She has a BF. Definitely step back. Maybe you and your wife could take up a new exciting hobby or classes together, since your marriage sounds fine but could use some invigorating from within.

[Kassieee]

I think it's irrational to think that once you're married you'll never be attracted, have crushes, or have thoughts about someone else EVER again, we are humans. You're not the only one.  I think you're being a little harsh on yourself. As long as you don't act on those feelings it's ok. 

 

[Lotsgoingon]

I don't buy this: I have a very fulfilling and happy life.

Those words are all cliche, any computer program could generate them. I could see where you have a "comfortable" life, but your interest in this new friend screams out possible boredom in your married life. And no, a great trip can overcome boredom partly because the boredom is internal.  

You seem utterly bored with your life. I didn't say "married life." I said "life." This new woman is tapping into some suppressed energy that you are apparently not getting in your life. I don't think this is your wife's fault. 

What are you wife's strengths and gifts? What turns you on about her? You really want to connect to those feelings if you want to avoid trouble. And it's not enough to say she's "nice" to you or that treats you well. You need something deeper to ground you in your marriage commitment. What qualities do you really like about your wife? What blows you away, thrills you, about your wife? 

I'm going to guess here. Something about you being almost ten years younger than your wife and you saying she treats you well makes it sound like way love her but don't really admire her or deeply respect her. I'm not getting that you were EVER totally turned on by your wife.  And not just turned on sexually. But turned on about life and exploring and fun and joy and openness. You can probably create a lot more excitement in your marriage, but first you got to own up (to yourself, not to her) to this niceness energy that seems to be suffocating you. 

What this new woman  is providing is growth and exploration that you can provide if you were to take some initiative in your current life.  With the new woman, you are out of a rut. Well, why were you in a rut in the first place?

 

[glows]

Flip the situation and ask yourself if you’d still find the 25 y.o. attractive once she makes herself available to you. Imagine her fawning all over you and demanding a relationship while losing your life built with your wife. Does the 25 y.o. with her lack of everything your wife is or has still attractive? She is still a young woman and likely hasn’t established herself. Would you like that dynamic as a provider or somewhat like a guardian? Do you think she’d understand you? 

Sometimes the forbidden and unknown can seem heady and intoxicating adding to that attraction and pull but it’s all a smokescreen and doesn’t translate to real life. 

As a person married and divorced rebuilding my life I’m far from opposed to crushing a marriage and starting fresh. You do what you have to do. But do it for sound reasons you can live by. Don’t self-sabotage.

[JTSW]

18 hours ago, VPNash said:

 If they shared kids together, then I would have urged him to exhaust all possibilities of making their marriage work.

They do share kids together.

Not biologically his but he loves them and raises them like his own.

[brewhouse8990]

Thanks again. Lots of great advice here. I canceled the plans that I had with the other girl for tomorrow. I'm going to try again to distance myself and spend time thinking and talking with my wife about how we can grow more close again. I don't believe that I've been in a faithful relationship for 20 years and not ever been turned on by my wife. She really is special to me. We were both very broken when we found each other and we grew together into something great. We rebuilt our lives and ourselves into something to be very proud of. And our daughters have grown into outstanding young adults. That is a very fulfilling life. There is obviously something missing. I'm just not sure what it is. Or maybe I'm just going through some stuff and need to work it out in myself. Hopefully I can figure it out. Really appreciate all of the help though. Even the stuff I didn't necessarily agree with made some valid points. It was good to be able to talk to some of this out. 

[ExpatInItaly]

How much quality time do you and your wife spend together?

What do you enjoy doing together? 

[brewhouse8990]

1 hour ago, ExpatInItaly said:

How much quality time do you and your wife spend together?

What do you enjoy doing together? 

My work schedule makes thing difficult sometimes, but we spend as much quality time together as we can. One of our biggest passions together is traveling and experiencing different foods and drinks all around. We are also huge NFL fans. We have season tickets to our local team. So things are about to get a lot more busy for us. We cant go to every game because of my work schedule but we usually go to at least 4-5 per year. We split the season tickets with another couple. We love go out to the movies a lot. Not quite as much lately, but we used to go at least a couple of times per month. We host a lot of gatherings. I like to cook/grill/smoke and Im also a home brewer so I always have several beers on tap at home. We also have a small group of close friends (other couples) that we spend a good bit of time with.

[brewhouse8990]

1 hour ago, VPNash said:

This post is both insightful and thoughtful.  

OP: When you were 24, you were fast-tracked into a ready-made family with a baby and a toddler, while most guys your age were living like a big kid and barely starting to explore their life.  Perhaps you miss the young life you never had or were deprived of because you’re made to raise two kids out of your choice?   (Btw, has their biological father ever been in the picture?)   Perhaps you miss dating around young girls without serious commitment.  Perhaps you miss doing silly stuff as an oversized kid?  

Please don’t sweep this under the rug.  Get a good therapist to explore the issue with you.  Read some good books on the topic.

Best wishes!
 

Believe me, I thought long and hard about this, early on in our relationship. We were exclusive with each other, but I stayed away from the kids as much as possible for the first few years we dated. I didn't expect it to get serious. When I was 28 I believe, I made the decision to get serious with her and her children. The biological father was in and out of their lives all through our relationship. He was a nightmare to deal with. Very abusive to my wife and the girls. I tried to stay out of their issues as much as possible. Sometimes it wasnt possible. It never came to real conflict because he only puts hands on women. He runs away when he has to face another man. Both of my girls, on their own choice, have nothing to do with him now. Havent spoken to him in years.

It's hard to talk about, especially with people I know. Most of my friends and family dont know this about me. When I was 28 I found out that I cant have kids, or that it was very unlikely, without artificially doing it. That's when I felt like this family was placed in front of me for a reason. It was a chance for me to be as close to a father as I probably ever would be able to. We looked into having a child together when I was in my early 30s. I ultimately decided against it. I just felt like if it couldn't happen naturally, it wasnt meant to be.

[Lotsgoingon]

OP, 

Sounds like you were and are a positive force in the lives of your step-daughters. Congratulations.

I still don't think you've answered my questions, and I don't mean that in a bad way, or that you're doing anything wrong. 

You mention that you go to football games and attend movies with your wife and that you host a lot of gatherings and you travel a lot with your wife. Those are some great life opportunities.

But ...

Clearly, if you're reacting as you are to this young woman, all of those activities are leaving you empty in some way. They're sorta on the surface. They don't have to be on the surface. People can have deep conversations and fun conversations and playful exploring when they host events. Something tells me that you don't really push the envelope in these gatherings to get to really meaningful moments. 

I know all kinds of couples who have traveled a lot. And I know all kinds of now divorced couples that went on great trips (great on paper and great in fantasy) with their partners in order to revive the relationship. Travel never revived the relationships from what I can tell. Because when these folks got home, they still had to resolve the issues and gaps that were creating the dissatisfaction in the first place. 

Here's another thing that doesn't necessarily improve marriages: activity. I know folks in shaky marriages who schedule trips to various great destinations, they go to plays and movies and great dinners, I mean wonderful dinners. They invite interesting people over. None of this gets at the core stuff making them unhappy in the marriage. It's more like these activities (which can be great) are ways of avoiding awkward questions and real encounters in marriage. The activity make staying in their marriages bearable. 

Sounds like you make really good money. And that you are surrounded by social activities. Nothing wrong with either of those!!!! I'm just saying: if you are getting your head turned around by this woman outside your marriage, that is probably evidence on its face that you aren't as happy in the marriage as you claim to be. 

The answer isn't to go away with this woman, but to somehow learn from this woman and begin to bring the energy you feel with her into the rest of your life. And I don't think the answer is season tickets for football unless you start some very new and meaning conversations with people when you're attending a football game. 

 

Edited September 8, 2023 by Lotsgoingon

[S2B]

Why don’t you ask your wife to go to some of those concerts etc that you’re tempted to go to with your OW?

why don’t you also ask your wife what you can attend with her - something that is HER area of interest?

start doing NEW things together! Take some time away from work and prioritize your wife!

tell the OW not to invite you out anymore! That’s a boundary you should have laid out long ago! Just tell her NO MORE! Create loads of distance with the OW - invest MORE time with your wife!

the grass is NEVER greener - it is ONLY greener where you water it!

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, Lotsgoingon said:

I'm just saying: if you are getting your head turned around by this woman outside your marriage, that is probably evidence on its face that you aren't as happy in the marriage as you claim to be.

That is the impression I am getting as well. 

OP, I think you need to reflect on how you and your wife have grown and changed over the years. Couples grow apart sometimes. This is your indicator that you two are headed this way, if you don't get really honest with yourself about the state of your feelings for your wife. 

 

[brewhouse8990]

I am honestly extremely happy with my life. Outside of this one issue. Even though it is a huge issue. We've been going to the games for years. It's a huge passion for us. It's not just going to a game. We are die hard fans. It's not something we take lightly. We set up huge tailgate parties and make an entire day sometimes weekend of the games. Now, I'm not sure I agree with any of these activities leaving me empty. I literally do all of the things that I'm passionate about. I rarely, outside of my job forcing me to, miss out on anything that I want to do. Within reason of course. In July I took an entire month off from work for us to go to Europe together. My wife is extremely passionate about history. I spent nearly 3 years planning this trip to take her to see the places she had been dreaming of seeing her entire life. We spent the night in 2 castles during this trip. We had an amazing time. I cant imagine a vacation being any more fulfilling. I wasnt back a week before I started things back up with the other girl again. So again, I'm 100% agreeing with everyone that something somewhere is wrong. I just dont know what it is or how to find it. Even through all of this, I'm a good husband and I'm not sure my wife even has any clue that there are issues that I'm dealing with. Issues this serious anyway. I obviously love her and care about our relationship. I'm online talking to you guys trying to figure it out. I know an online message board probably isn't the answer but it's a start. I havent had the courage to talk to anyone I know about it. All of my close friends are just too close to my wife. I dont want to put this burden on them and make them keep secrets from her. There are people I could talk to about it, but I feel confident that they would just encourage me to cheat. So I dont want to bring it up to them either. 

[brewhouse8990]

5 minutes ago, VPNash said:

I also find it odd that when asked what excites you about your wife, your answer was a bunch of supposedly fun activities.  When you’re with someone who excites you, you could feel the excitement just by talking to her in the parking lot or simply be with her in the car. It sounds more like you’re trying very hard to convince YOURSELF that you have a happy fulfilling marriage.  Can you explore the issue with a good therapist?

Would you feel equally “happy” if you did those same activities with another person?  Or by yourself?  Or with that young lady?

Does your wife have rides on your motorcycle often?

Fair points. This is could be the beginning of finding the problem. Ive never thought about it quite like that. Honestly at the moment I get more excitement from this new girl, but I dont necessarily trust that it's real. It's just new. Most people would be excited by something new, I would think. My wife and I have been together for a very long time. There isnt much that is new and exciting about us, I suppose. Perhaps we have allowed things to get stale. We recently celebrated our anniversary and it was a fun simple thing. Because of our Europe trip we didn't do anything elaborate. We just prepared a meal together and alone one night. I sent the girls out of the house for the night. It was a lot of fun. We really enjoyed the Indian food on our trip through Europe. So I wanted to try to make something similar. I did the cooking, she just helped me prep everything. It was a fantastic time and a fantastic meal. We had music playing and wine and beer flowing. Was really nice!

She doesnt ride as much as she used to. It's actually something I struggle with. We used to ride together all the time. We have taken plenty of vacationson the bike over the years. It's something I'm very passionate about. And she used to be as well. She was the one that convinced me to get my first one. The one I have now is one she wanted because it was a more comfortable ride for her.

[Lotsgoingon]

When we ask you how you’re doing and feeling in the marriage, you answer back with a variation of “we” (you and your wife) had a good time. We’re not asking about “we.” We’re asking about you and your feelings. Something strikes me as strange that you seem to speak for your wife’s happiness.

When I’m talking to friends of mine (men and women) and they describe an event that they hosted or attended, they will separate their experience from their spouse’s experience. Even if they and their spouse both had a good time rarely do people have identical experiences. One buddy of mine is really extroverted and their spouse not. So no, the introvert rarely enjoys the social experiences as much as the extrovert. That’s fine— both people compromise to accommodate the other. But they’re very aware that they don’t experience life the same as the other person.

Now, to credit you, successful marriages do require a lot of "we" thinking and "we" talking. It's helpful for couples to internalize the feelings of the other person into their own experience.

But you're here trying to get some night insight into YOUR actions and YOUR feelings. The problem though is that "we" (you and your wife) are not going out with this young woman. "We" are not having our head turned out, feeling the buzz of excitement with the young woman. YOU are!

I’m just wondering if your unhappiness in the marriage is hidden away behind all the talk of “we” had a good time doing X and Y.

BTW: the way you describe the "we" activities with your wife (and the social activities you report) kinda reminds me of people I know from big-time college football states. Have no idea if that applies to you.

 

[ExpatInItaly]

9 hours ago, Lotsgoingon said:

you're here trying to get some night insight into YOUR actions and YOUR feelings. The problem though is that "we" (you and your wife) are not going out with this young woman. "We" are not having our head turned out, feeling the buzz of excitement with the young woman. YOU are!

That's what remains unclear to me, too. 

OP, setting aside the fun summer and shared interests for a moment - how do you feel about your wife? People can and do get bored and complacent in long relationships, even if they love their spouses. Is that where you are? 

I am also wondering - how much dating and relationship experience had you had before you met your wife? 

[brewhouse8990]

Thought i would give a little update on things. The plot thickened quite a bit. Turns out the other girl's boyfriend was very abusive. Mostly verbally and mentally. He did get physical with her a couple of times. He would scream at her, degrade her, and break things. They are split up now. It took a pretty serious toll on her. I do care a lot about her. Ive been trying to help her get back on her feet. I wish she would have told me months ago that this was going on. It makes sense now why she wanted to be away from him and around me so much. Im a very chill and calm person. I rarely get angry and just generally enjoy living life as much as possible. Now, I find myself right back to keeping secrets and spending lots of time with her. We had a conversation the other day about our "friendship" and how I'm keeping it from my wife. It's strange to me. She doesn't want to stop hanging out with me, and is willing to sneak around with me. She said this herself. Still nothing inappropriate has happened, other than the not being honest part. I stayed overnight with her at her place a few days ago. We stayed up all night talking playing games and watching movies. It was one of the best nights I've had in a long time. Everyone else thought I was at work that night. I'm not sure where any of this is going. Not too sure of anything at all to be honest. I know I'm more than likely screwing up, but I keep doing it.