stillafool Posted November 30, 2023 Share Posted November 30, 2023 Yep, you're screwing up big time. You are now involved in a full blown emotional affair that is teetering on becoming a physical affair. It's only a matter of time before you get caught and your lies exposed. This girl isn't innocent either by offering to see you behind your wife's back. She knows exactly what she's doing and feels nothing looking in your wife's fact while slipping around meeting her husband. Are you still willing to walk away if this girl wants you to? This looks like a real possibility. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author brewhouse8990 Posted November 30, 2023 Author Share Posted November 30, 2023 13 minutes ago, stillafool said: Yep, you're screwing up big time. You are now involved in a full blown emotional affair that is teetering on becoming a physical affair. It's only a matter of time before you get caught and your lies exposed. This girl isn't innocent either by offering to see you behind your wife's back. She knows exactly what she's doing and feels nothing looking in your wife's fact while slipping around meeting her husband. Are you still willing to walk away if this girl wants you to? This looks like a real possibility. I honestly dont know what I would do. Im very ashamed to say it, but it would be extremely difficult for me to decide. I have a feeling that sooner or later though, I'm going to be faced with this choice. Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted November 30, 2023 Share Posted November 30, 2023 50 minutes ago, brewhouse8990 said: the other day about our "friendship" and how I'm keeping it from my wife. She willing to sneak around with me. She said this herself. Still nothing inappropriate has happened, other than the not being honest part. I stayed overnight with her at her place a few days ago. Everyone else thought I was at work that night. It seems the affair is progressing. You seem to have picked someone vulnerable enough to "sneak around". Your wife thinks you're "working late"? Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted November 30, 2023 Share Posted November 30, 2023 Just now, brewhouse8990 said: I honestly dont know what I would do. Im very ashamed to say it, but it would be extremely difficult for me to decide. I have a feeling that sooner or later though, I'm going to be faced with this choice. You might be surprised how quickly your feelings for this young woman will change once your wife finds out and you're staring at her broken self, divorce papers and the lost of your life as you knew it. It happens all the time. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted November 30, 2023 Share Posted November 30, 2023 (edited) Boy, oh boy, do you have a problem with boundaries and self control. People develop crushes all the time, but few will actually act on their feelings if for no other reason than the respect and concern they feel for their spouse. The fact that you are not showing the respect and consideration that you owe your spouse is a big red flag. If I was your wife, I would want to know how you are feeling so that I could make decisions for my own life with all the information about my spouse/marriage. With that information, I would set you free so that you would be able to pursue this 25 year old young woman, as that seems to be what you are intent to do anyway. Edited November 30, 2023 by BaileyB 1 Link to post Share on other sites
NuevoYorko Posted November 30, 2023 Share Posted November 30, 2023 On 9/6/2023 at 12:47 PM, SlimShadysWife said: I think it's irrational to think that once you're married you'll never be attracted, have crushes, or have thoughts about someone else EVER again, we are humans. You're not the only one. I think you're being a little harsh on yourself. As long as you don't act on those feelings it's ok. He is acting on them. Spending time with her and actively entertaining fantasies of running away with her are actions. People who are married and value that relationship get attracted or a crush and do not follow up with regular lunch dates. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author brewhouse8990 Posted November 30, 2023 Author Share Posted November 30, 2023 Yeah, I completely agree with everything being said. As of now, i know ive been dishonest, but nothing physical has happened. If I came clean today, I feel like our marriage would be able to survive. I'm certain it wouldnt be easy, but it's not completely broken. I honestly expected the other girl to start avoiding me when I told her that I was keeping this all from my wife. However exactly the opposite has happened. So It's made me very curious and I'm really wanting to know where her head is, in all of this. I know that I'm not being the man I need to be. I'm just struggling with the temptation. I never used to let it get to me, but for some reason it does now. Link to post Share on other sites
Alpacalia Posted November 30, 2023 Share Posted November 30, 2023 You're both attracted to each other and you'll probably keep running with this until something drastic happens or you get busted because it doesn't look like you have any intention of stopping. If you truly care about this girl and her well-being, you need to stop sneaking around and be honest with your wife about your feelings for her. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted November 30, 2023 Share Posted November 30, 2023 10 minutes ago, brewhouse8990 said: I honestly expected the other girl to start avoiding me when I told her that I was keeping this all from my wife. However exactly the opposite has happened. So It's made me very curious and I'm really wanting to know where her head is, in all of this. It’s not about her. What she thinks and does matters far less than what you think and the decisions that you make. You are curious because you are interested. Everything you say and everything you are doing says that you are on the proverbial slippery slope - The thing is, you have control here. You have the ability to end this relationship and recommit to your marriage if you chose to do so today. Are you ready to let this extramarital relationship go? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted November 30, 2023 Share Posted November 30, 2023 15 minutes ago, brewhouse8990 said: If I came clean today, I feel like our marriage would be able to survive. I'm certain it wouldn’t be easy, but it's not completely broken. This is only true if you are prepared to end all contact with this young woman. Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted November 30, 2023 Share Posted November 30, 2023 24 minutes ago, brewhouse8990 said: I came clean today, I feel like our marriage would be able to survive. It seems like you know you're playing with fire. What did you tell your wife and how did she take it? Are you hoping it does something to change her or that she files for divorce so you don't have to? Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted November 30, 2023 Share Posted November 30, 2023 3 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said: It seems like you know you're playing with fire. What did you tell your wife and how did she take it? Are you hoping it does something to change her or that she files for divorce so you don't have to? He said "if" he came clean. He hasn't told her yet. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted November 30, 2023 Share Posted November 30, 2023 30 minutes ago, Alpacalia said: If you truly care about this girl and her well-being, Yeah, because it's clear this young woman doesn't care about your well being or she wouldn't let you spend the night with her. She knows exactly what she's doing and is not vulnerable. 3 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted November 30, 2023 Share Posted November 30, 2023 37 minutes ago, stillafool said: Yeah, because it's clear this young woman doesn't care about your well being or she wouldn't let you spend the night with her. She knows exactly what she's doing and is not vulnerable. Both are clearly aware of what they are doing… and neither feels particularly responsible or concerned about his wife. 3 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author brewhouse8990 Posted November 30, 2023 Author Share Posted November 30, 2023 Ive never felt anything like this in my life. Ive never felt like my mind and my heart could tell me 2 different things, if that makes sense. Part of me is ready to burn it all down. But in all honesty the biggest reason I feel that way is because I allowed this to happen. If I am here right now with this very serious issue and dont know what to do, then I'm for one, not a great husband and for two I must not feel the way I thought I did about my wife. The other part of me is saying that I literally have everything and more than I ever needed or expected to have in my life. I have a beautiful family that all look to me to lead them through life. Im failing them and myself. I need to do better. I have always allowed fear and the fear of failure to drive me. I dont like to be afraid, lose, or fail at anything. This is a double edged sword right now. I feel like no matter which direction that I chose I have ultimately failed. I know that a real long-term relationship is highly unlikely with this new girl. I'm only a few years younger than her parents. She would have her fun with me and move on. I'm almost certain of it. Then that leaves me probably approaching 50 and single/divorced. The only way I can put this to bed is to come clean to my wife. I've got to dig deep and figure out how to do that. Link to post Share on other sites
introverted1 Posted November 30, 2023 Share Posted November 30, 2023 4 minutes ago, brewhouse8990 said: Part of me is ready to burn it all down. If you are prepared to lose your wife and the goodwill of your daughters, have at it. But don't fool yourself into thinking this 25yo girl has any long-lasting interest in you. More likely, you are a safe place for her to rebuild her self-esteem after an abusive relationship with her ex. Highly unlikely that she wants to build a life with you. At least tell your wife so she has the option of making her own choices. It's awfully selfish of you to keep on as you have been. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted November 30, 2023 Share Posted November 30, 2023 (edited) I think this young woman has heard what you've done and did for your wife and that too is part of the attraction. Her ex didn't sound like a very responsible or kind person but then we don't know his side of the story as to why he became abusive. The best way to kill this crush is to come clean to your wife about what you're feeling IMO since you don't have the will power to do it. You will keep falling deeper and deeper and if sex happens that will be the end. I know you've put this woman on a pedestal but take a closer look at who she is. She is capable of conversing with your wife, smiling in her face yet having her husband spend the night at her place. She knows that is wrong, but this is what she does. Maybe she was fooling around on her ex for all you know with no remorse. She obviously can't be without a man for a minute. You say you're helping her get on her feet. Does this mean financial help also? Edited November 30, 2023 by stillafool 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted November 30, 2023 Share Posted November 30, 2023 2 hours ago, brewhouse8990 said: I'm only a few years younger than her parents. Then that leaves me probably approaching 50 and single/divorced. The only way I can put this to bed is to come clean to my wife. You could also simply end it. That does the least harm to everyone involved. This young woman can move on to someone appropriate honest and single, and you can spare your wife and family unnecessary pain and drama. Just end without inflicting the details on your wife. Please reflect and perhaps seek out therapy to try to understand your midlife crisis and desire to implode your marriage and this young woman's life. It's not a "double edged sword". You can nip this in the bud now. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
SurfCity Posted November 30, 2023 Share Posted November 30, 2023 3 hours ago, brewhouse8990 said: I know that a real long-term relationship is highly unlikely with this new girl. I'm only a few years younger than her parents. She would have her fun with me and move on. I'm almost certain of it. Then that leaves me probably approaching 50 and single/divorced. At least you're aware of what you're headed into. You'll also lose your girls; they will 100% side with their mom, and your wife will probably get the friends and the social life too. Christmas and birthdays alone or with your mom; dating at middle age is a lot harder than dating in your 20s; probably living by yourself in an apartment...doesn't seem worth it, but you seem determined to blow up your life. This young woman is smiling and keeping secrets from your wife with no shame; it's extremely likely that she's doing the same to you especially since you're giving her money. Stop giving her money and see if she's willing to spend any time with you. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
MsJayne Posted November 30, 2023 Share Posted November 30, 2023 I don't have much to chip in with except this, the 25 yo you're sneaking around with is just a figment of your mid-life crisis, and you need to ask yourself what sort of person she is that she can do this to another woman - no moral compass. You're flattered by her, she makes you feel all manly and wise, and young again. But she's a conniving little snake and you're a gullible fool if you believe anything else. If you're not in love with your wife any longer it's no crime to end the marriage, but don't do it to be with The Homewrecker. Young women go for older men for two reasons, they either want a daddy figure or they want financial security, or both. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author brewhouse8990 Posted November 30, 2023 Author Share Posted November 30, 2023 I dont "give her money" per say. I do pay for things when we are together, but its not like I'm breaking the bank for her. Ive always done that though. Even before we became as close as we are now. Im just that kind of guy. When I say help her get back on her feet, I mean mostly just supporting her emotionally, listening to her, and keeping her entertained. Keeping her mind off of any of the bad things. It is true that I dont know what lead to their abusive relationship. It very well could have been something that she did. As far as I know he was at one time good to her. Even she still claims that he was. Also, she has not seen or spoken to my wife in many months. My wife doesn't even know she went through any of this abusive stuff. As far as my wife knows they are still together. Not that any of that matters in the big picture. Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted November 30, 2023 Share Posted November 30, 2023 You keep connecting more with your other woman than your wife. Emotionally - you have abandoned your wife. yes - YOU. You have done things that changed the dynamics in your marriage. you list fun things you do with your wife yet NONE of the things you mentioned are designed to emotionally connect with her. Hence = the reason why you spend time connecting with the OW. you want to continue with the marriage? Then stop all contact with your distraction (the OW) and focus ALL your energy reconnecting with your wife! you want to leave for the OW? Then tell your wife now! She deserves to know - even if you end it. she deserves a man who respects her and is honest - that’s not you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Alpacalia Posted November 30, 2023 Share Posted November 30, 2023 4 hours ago, brewhouse8990 said: Ive never felt anything like this in my life. Ive never felt like my mind and my heart could tell me 2 different things, if that makes sense. Part of me is ready to burn it all down. But in all honesty the biggest reason I feel that way is because I allowed this to happen. If I am here right now with this very serious issue and dont know what to do, then I'm for one, not a great husband and for two I must not feel the way I thought I did about my wife. The other part of me is saying that I literally have everything and more than I ever needed or expected to have in my life. I have a beautiful family that all look to me to lead them through life. Im failing them and myself. I need to do better. I have always allowed fear and the fear of failure to drive me. I dont like to be afraid, lose, or fail at anything. This is a double edged sword right now. I feel like no matter which direction that I chose I have ultimately failed. I know that a real long-term relationship is highly unlikely with this new girl. I'm only a few years younger than her parents. She would have her fun with me and move on. I'm almost certain of it. Then that leaves me probably approaching 50 and single/divorced. The only way I can put this to bed is to come clean to my wife. I've got to dig deep and figure out how to do that. Well, to be fair you did fail, you failed your wife, but more importantly you failed your own moral character. You made a choice to cheat on your wife and that is ultimately a failure on your part. However, that does not define who you are as a person. What defines you is what you choose to do next. It takes courage and strength to take responsibility for your actions and come clean to your wife. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted November 30, 2023 Share Posted November 30, 2023 (edited) 1 hour ago, brewhouse8990 said: . My wife doesn't even know .... Yes, you're keeping your wife in the dark purposely because you know it's a problem. She's not your "friend", who you're "helping". This sounds more like the script you're rehearsing when your wife finds out and it hits the fan. She's a woman your stepdaughter's age that you're lusting after for your own entertainment, escapism and midlife crisis. You're crafting a web of lies. But you already know all this. Edited November 30, 2023 by Wiseman2 Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted November 30, 2023 Share Posted November 30, 2023 The fact that you’ve kept this from your wife means you know it’s wrong. also proof you aren’t honest within your marriage. Tell your wife - she deserves to know who she is married to. you haven’t honored her. Let her go. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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