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I have a restraining order against 'boyfriend's roommate

Senja10

By Senja10,
in Cheating, Flirting, and Jealousy

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Senja10

Senja10

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I have been dating off and on a man for the last year. He has a female roommate who has harassed me. The police have told her that she is not to be near me. A couple months ago he informed me that he did have sex with her about a year before we started dating. He has told me dozens of times that he has asked her to move out, yet she stays. I have never been invited to his home. I did stop for coffee one time in the past year. He is constantly at my house. I simply hold on to the belief that he will get rid of her!

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Wiseman2

Wiseman2

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44 minutes ago, Senja10 said:

. The police have told her that she is not to be near me. A couple months ago he informed me that he did have sex with her.

Please end it. Once the police are involved in keeping your BFs lovers/exlovers away from you, it's really time to walk away.

Do not allow him in your house, he shouldn't be camping out there. It's really that simple. Stay far away from them and their drama.

Free yourself to find men who want what you want and don't engage in on/off or live with other women.

Edited by Wiseman2
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JTSW

JTSW

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Why doesn't he move out?

He could permanently get away from her if he really wanted to, but he clearly doesn't. 

If he truly cared about you he would never let you go through any of that.

He has no respect for you if he continues to live with her after she harassed you.

I can guarantee that they've had sex more than that one time.

It's likely still going on behind your back every time your relationship is off.

 

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ExpatInItaly

ExpatInItaly

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1 hour ago, Senja10 said:

He has told me dozens of times that he has asked her to move out, yet she stays

Whose name is on the lease? Or does he own the place, and he rents space to her? 

2 hours ago, Senja10 said:

The police have told her that she is not to be near me.

This isn't the same as a restraining order. Has one actually been issued to her? 

 

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Senja10

Senja10

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He owns the home and rents to her. Yes, you are right it isn't a formal restraining order. She was called into the police station and told not to have any contact with me, or come near my home.

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Wiseman2

Wiseman2

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3 minutes ago, Senja10 said:

 She was called into the police station and told not to have any contact with me, or come near my home.

There's no reason whatsoever for him to camp out at your place. The only way to get rid of her is to get rid of him.

The police can't help you sever their relationship (whatever it is), so the best recourse is to consider ending it.

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Senja10

Senja10

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No, it's not his wife. She came to my workplace to let me know that she lives with him and asked me lots of questions. She came to my home after that and told me 100 reasons why he is a horrible boyfriend to have. She wrote threatening letters to me, she was identified via DNA testing on those letters. She would text me, I eventually blocked her. The police told him that he needed to evict her. The promise is always that she is looking for a place.

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stillafool

stillafool

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21 minutes ago, Senja10 said:

No, it's not his wife. She came to my workplace to let me know that she lives with him and asked me lots of questions. She came to my home after that and told me 100 reasons why he is a horrible boyfriend to have. She wrote threatening letters to me, she was identified via DNA testing on those letters. She would text me, I eventually blocked her. The police told him that he needed to evict her. The promise is always that she is looking for a place.

What did she threaten you with?  Why doesn't your boyfriend just move to another place or with you?

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Kassieee

Kassieee

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25 minutes ago, Senja10 said:

No, it's not his wife. She came to my workplace to let me know that she lives with him and asked me lots of questions. She came to my home after that and told me 100 reasons why he is a horrible boyfriend to have. She wrote threatening letters to me, she was identified via DNA testing on those letters. She would text me, I eventually blocked her. The police told him that he needed to evict her. The promise is always that she is looking for a place.

How many more months is he giving her. Is there at least a set date?

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ExpatInItaly

ExpatInItaly

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1 hour ago, Senja10 said:

He owns the home and rents to her.

So, he can evict her if he really wants to. 

Why isn't he? If she's as terrible as you say, this is a no-brainer.

1 hour ago, Senja10 said:

it isn't a formal restraining order.

Why aren't you able to get one with all this evidence you have? 

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ShyViolet

ShyViolet

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3 hours ago, Senja10 said:

 I simply hold on to the belief that he will get rid of her!

This is YOUR mistake.  You are choosing to stay involved with a guy who has a crazy woman in his life and hasn't dealt with it.  He lives with her.  He claims that he is trying to get rid of her but who knows if that is really true.  In the meantime, it is poor decision-making for you to stay involved in this situation.  The smart thing to do would be for you to cut ties with the whole situation and stop the relationship with this man.  He is surrounded by drama and he is not ready to date.

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Alpacalia

Alpacalia

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Any boyfriend worth his salt wouldn't want someone harassing his partner and would want to take whatever steps necessary to protect their partner and ensure their safety.

Why this man has not chosen to not up and move himself out of his home and away from the person that harasses you is concerning.

Why did you choose to start dating someone that was still living with someone of the opposite sex that he had sexual relations with over a year ago? 

Regardless of your feelings for him, it would be wise to make sure that you prioritize your safety above all else. The police have told the female roommate to stay away from you, so it is important that you trust that and distance yourself until the situation is resolved and re-evaluate if this is the best person to have in your life.

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Senja10

Senja10

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There is no set date for her to leave. I didn't know when I had the first dates with him. Then I thought it was just a roommate! I appreciate all the responses here. It is helping me come to terms with the situation. You're right, most would get rid a roommate who is harassing the women he supposedly loves.  I'll never understand. It is time to let go.

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stillafool

stillafool

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This woman sounds more like a scorned girlfriend than a roommate.  Why is he letting her live with him if she has threatened you?  His loyalty and concern should be for you not this other girl and her problems.  He should throw her out if he has asked her to leave previously and she's still making excuses.

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Senja10

Senja10

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The letters stated that she couldn't believe that I was still seeing him. That he is not a good person and he cannot commit to one woman. Letter stated exactly where we were walking my dog (out in the country), and restaurants where we ate. Another letter stated that it was so unbelievable that I was still seeing him. She did not threaten to hurt me. 

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Senja10

Senja10

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1 minute ago, stillafool said:

This woman sounds more like a scorned girlfriend than a roommate.  Why is he letting her live with him if she has threatened you?  His loyalty and concern should be for you not this other girl and her problems.  He should throw her out if he has asked her to leave previously and she's still making excuses.

You are right. You are so right.

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Alpacalia

Alpacalia

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3 minutes ago, Senja10 said:

I didn't know when I had the first dates with him. Then I thought it was just a roommate!

Oh, I see. 

It's a shame that he wasn't more forthcoming about his relationship with her when you first became involved. I would have been curious to the nature of the relationship when we first started dating who the female roommate was. Hindsight is 20/20. I'm sorry that he wasn't more upfront about his history with her. He can't expect to have a successful relationship with anyone if he cannot get rid of her.

In fact, he should have gotten rid of her before he started dating anyone. It's a red flag that he's keeping her around and not being transparent about their past.

If she felt he was so terrible it's curious that she hasn't chosen to leave the apartment herself.

It sounds like they have unfinished business.

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mark clemson

mark clemson

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2 hours ago, Senja10 said:

No, it's not his wife. She came to my workplace...

Bunny boiler, and he doesn't have the spine to get her fully kicked out. You need to run not walk IMO...

"Never put it in crazy..."

Edited by mark clemson
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Alpacalia

Alpacalia

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Yeah, if he is drawn to her crazy means he's not someone you want to be with.

He is probably looking for someone to be the "drama" in his life.

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Wiseman2

Wiseman2

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2 hours ago, Senja10 said:

.The police told him that he needed to evict her. 

The police don't make this determination. Unfortunately you seem to be in denial that he wants her there and they are a package deal. Please stop letting him camp out at your place for convenience. He's telling you stories about wanting her gone so you tolerate his visits. Then he willingly goes back home to her. 

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ExpatInItaly

ExpatInItaly

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1 hour ago, Senja10 said:

I'll never understand

That's more than likely because he is not being honest about the nature of his relationship with her. 

Who went to the trouble and expense of having these letters DNA-tested? How was the tester able to match it to her DNA without a sample form her to compare it to? 

Edited by ExpatInItaly
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Senja10

Senja10

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3 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

That's more than likely because he is not being honest about the nature of his relationship with her. 

Who went to the trouble and expense of having these letters DNA-tested? How was the tester able to match it to her DNA without a sample form her to compare it to? 

The police did the DNA testing. No expense on anyone's part. If you have DNA on file for any reason, it can be matched up.

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ExpatInItaly

ExpatInItaly

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39 minutes ago, Senja10 said:

The police did the DNA testing. No expense on anyone's part. If you have DNA on file for any reason, it can be matched up.

Meaning she's got a criminal history. Police don't just have random people's DNA samples "on file." 

It  is strange to me that law enforcement DNA-tested this letter, given that it's not a violent crime or other very serious offense in the grand scheme of things. It seems like a waste of resources for a letter that, while creepy and inappropriate, did not actually contain any direct threat towards you (based on what you said in this thread)

I don't know, OP. Some things aren't making much sense here.

In your thread title, you say have a restraining order - but that's actually not true. You don't. You said she wrote you threatening letters, but later said she didn't threaten to hurt you. 

I am having some diffculty understanding what exactly is happening.

 

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