I have a restraining order against 'boyfriend's roommate

[MsJayne]

Had sex with her once - pfft! She's acting out the behaviour of a woman who's been used for sex and led along with the old "I don't want a relationship with you but we'll always be really good friends" horse dung, or some variation of that.  She sounds like she has extremely low self-esteem, very poor boundaries, and the kind of anger and behavioural issues which result from ongoing psychological/emotional abuse. He sounds downright sinister. What sort of person rejects someone, keeps them living in the same home, and then starts relationship with someone else under their nose?  My advice is get rid of this guy, he's a predatory creep. 

[stillafool]

11 hours ago, Senja10 said:

I have been dating off and on a man for the last year. He has a female roommate who has harassed me. The police have told her that she is not to be near me. A couple months ago he informed me that he did have sex with her about a year before we started dating. He has told me dozens of times that he has asked her to move out, yet she stays. I have never been invited to his home. I did stop for coffee one time in the past year. He is constantly at my house. I simply hold on to the belief that he will get rid of her!

If you have been dating him off and on for the last year how can he constantly be at your house?

6 hours ago, Senja10 said:

The letters stated that she couldn't believe that I was still seeing him. That he is not a good person and he cannot commit to one woman. Letter stated exactly where we were walking my dog (out in the country), and restaurants where we ate. Another letter stated that it was so unbelievable that I was still seeing him. She did not threaten to hurt me. 

And you knew for a fact that this letter was from her before you went down to the police station?  Was it signed and what did your bf say about the letter?  I'm sure the cops must have needed some type of explanation why you wanted the letter tested.

Edited September 6, 2023 by stillafool

[Alpacalia]

Something doesn't quite add up with your situation. If he owns the house and has been renting to her then why has he not evicted her on the grounds of harassment? In most cases, harassment is a breach of contract and especially if there is a restraining order in place it is even more grounds to get her out. DNA testing is usually not done unless there is evidence that a crime has been committed or they are suspected of committing a crime.

Now, if she is writing threatening letters then it could be a crime however, her writing letters expressing her displeasure with the relationship without using any threats may not constitute a crime and it is strange that the police have done a DNA test.

Why not fingerprints?

Edited September 6, 2023 by Alpacalia

[basil67]

I noticed you've been dating him "on and off" for a year.  Why haven't you progressed to a relationship?   

[ExpatInItaly]

7 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

writing letters expressing her displeasure with the relationship without using any threats may not constitute a crime and it is strange that the police have done a DNA test.

Why not fingerprints?

Exactly. I don't qute buy the DNA-testing claim, to be honest. It doesn't make sense and isn't very plausible. 

OP, did you boyfriend tell you this? 

[basil67]

As she wasn't threatening you, it doesn't make sense that the police would DNA (or fingerprint) if there was no crime.  And why did you tell us there is a restraining order when it didn't happen?

Giving their living situation, it sounds to me like she's his (kind of) partner and is simply pissed at him for rooting around and is warning you about him.  Nothing more than that.

Edited September 7, 2023 by basil67

[JTSW]

18 hours ago, Senja10 said:

She came to my home after that and told me 100 reasons why he is a horrible boyfriend to have.

So she was warning you that he's not a good person.

I have to say, from things you've said, I would have to agree with her.

He doesn't sound like a good bf to be honest because he still lives with her after everything.

Edited September 7, 2023 by JTSW

[Senja10]

12 hours ago, stillafool said:

If you have been dating him off and on for the last year how can he constantly be at your house?

And you knew for a fact that this letter was from her before you went down to the police station?  Was it signed and what did your bf say about the letter?  I'm sure the cops must have needed some type of explanation why you wanted the letter tested.

^ I broke it off a couple times, each being a few weeks. Then we started seeing one another again. I cannot go to his house. This is why I say that he is constantly at my house.

^ I didn't know the letters were from her, but I knew it was her at my workplace and home. My daughter encouraged me to discuss with police. The officer came to my home and took the letters. I had nothing to do with the DNA testing, this was strictly the police/detective who ordered the DNA. The police took all of this into their own hands.

[Senja10]

13 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Meaning she's got a criminal history. Police don't just have random people's DNA samples "on file." 

It  is strange to me that law enforcement DNA-tested this letter, given that it's not a violent crime or other very serious offense in the grand scheme of things. It seems like a waste of resources for a letter that, while creepy and inappropriate, did not actually contain any direct threat towards you (based on what you said in this thread)

I don't know, OP. Some things aren't making much sense here.

In your thread title, you say have a restraining order - but that's actually not true. You don't. You said she wrote you threatening letters, but later said she didn't threaten to hurt you. 

I am having some diffculty understanding what exactly is happening.

 

^ With certain jobs as well you are DNA tested, it is mandatory.

  Yes, I was a bit shocked when law enforcement called me with the DNA test information. I did not request this.

   The letters were threatening to me after the work visits and home visits, not to mention several text messeges.

   I am trying to make the right decision about this man, which is why I wrote on this site. The responses are helping with the decision.

[Senja10]

2 hours ago, JTSW said:

So she was warning you that he's not a good person.

I have to say, from things you've said, I would have to agree with her.

He doesn't sound like a good bf to be honest because he still lives with her after everything.

Thanks for your response. 

[JTSW]

6 minutes ago, Senja10 said:

Thanks for your response. 

Just being honest.

He still continues to live with a woman that did all that to you.

Show's great disrespect from him.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Senja10 said:

. I cannot go to his house. This is why I say that he is constantly at my house.. My daughter encouraged me to discuss with police. 

That's enough of a deal breaker. He shouldn't  be camping at your house using it as a free BNB with benefits.

Does your daughter live with you? If so all the more reason to get rid of him and his drama.

[ExpatInItaly]

2 hours ago, Senja10 said:

The letters were threatening to me after the work visits and home visits, not to mention several text messeges.

I see. I was confused because you said earlier she did not threaten to hurt. What sort of threats did she make?

2 hours ago, Senja10 said:

I am trying to make the right decision about this man, which is why I wrote on this site

Dump him. There is no other sensible choice. 

[MsJayne]

21 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

it is strange that the police have done a DNA test.

Extremely strange. They usually reserve DNA testing for rape and homicide cases. A letter without a murder attached to it usually only gets a look-in if it arrives with Anthrax in it. I just can't see Mr Plod rushing off to the forensic lab with this one. 

[stillafool]

Who contacted the police?  You or your boyfriend?

[stillafool]

10 hours ago, Senja10 said:

^ I broke it off a couple times, each being a few weeks. Then we started seeing one another again. I cannot go to his house. This is why I say that he is constantly at my house.

Yes I know that you can't go to his house now.  Has he ever taken or invited you to his house before this happened with his roommate?  Why would she not like you if she never even met you and start sending you threateniing letters?  If he never invited you to his home didn't that make you think he must be with this woman?

[mark clemson]

OP, if you don't mind me asking, what country is this taking place in? A different set of laws might mean different behaviors from the police, etc, than some of us might expect. Also, perhaps the woman IS a violent criminal with past charges etc, it's not common, but certainly not outside the realm of possibility.

Whether you decide to answer this or not, my advice is still to end things, in line with what everyone else seems to be saying. There seems to be serious, and possibly potentially dangerous dysfunction here, and your BF is not taking the firm action he probably needs to take, which keeps him wrapped up in it.

The simple and straightforward thing to do here IMO is end things and find a new boyfriend.

[Wiseman2]

On 9/6/2023 at 6:50 AM, Senja10 said:

I have been dating off and on a man for the last year. He has a female roommate. I have never been invited to his home. 

How long have they been living together? Why has your relationship been on/off? Is it related to his living arrangement?

Why is she living there if they're not together and it's his house? 

The red flags are all there it's a matter of seeing them for what they are. Never continue to date men in other relationships who keep their living situation secretive.

Stop inviting him over and you'll stop inviting drama upon yourself. 

[ExpatInItaly]

8 hours ago, stillafool said:

Who contacted the police?  You or your boyfriend?

I was going to ask the same thing. 

OP, did the police tell you in person that they had DNA-tested this letter? Or did you receive a call from someone? 

[IrinaM]

I just don't understand why law enforcement would run a DNA test on a letter that wasn't linked to any crime whatsoever? Law enforcement are supposed to investigate crimes, not get involved in personal squabbles. Why did they run DNA tests if they never intended to make an arrest? Were the police just curious or something? I'm shocked to know they waste taxpayer money like this.

[Senja10]

14 hours ago, MsJayne said:

Extremely strange. They usually reserve DNA testing for rape and homicide cases. A letter without a murder attached to it usually only gets a look-in if it arrives with Anthrax in it. I just can't see Mr Plod rushing off to the forensic lab with this one. 

I really don't know anything about what constitutes DNA testing. Will need to do a little research. When it was done I assumed it was a normal procedure. I've never been involved with something like this before.

[JTSW]

14 hours ago, stillafool said:

Who contacted the police?  You or your boyfriend?

The OP contacted the police when her daughter encouraged her to. 

[ExpatInItaly]

OP,  did you meet with an officer face-to-face in the police station about the DNA testing? 

If not, how did you learn about the results? 

[SoulCat]

With law enforcement up & down the country struggling to get enough resources, and the backlogs at record highs in DNA testing labs I find it very hard to believe this, or indeed most of this story.
It's got more holes than a wedge of Emmentaler cheese.
OP,  on the off-chance that any of this is actually true, ditch the dodgy boyfriend and his (ex) paramour. 
Think of your daughter, if nothing else, and the examples you're setting for her here.

Edited September 8, 2023 by SoulCat

[Senja10]

1 hour ago, ExpatInItaly said:

OP,  did you meet with an officer face-to-face in the police station about the DNA testing? 

If not, how did you learn about the results? 

Two months after I turned the letters over to the police I received a call letting me know who sent the letters. I was surprised that they pursued it. I was told that "Harassment" is illegal.