32F and 34M in a Relationship for 14 Yrs w/ No Engagement

[Els]

 

2 hours ago, yimby63 said:

lastly - it absolutely GUTS me that these men then pick up and move on and finally marry the first woman that looks their way after. 

my only thought is that it must be a control thing, and they probably feel out of control in these longer term relationships where the female partner is their equal.

There are a lot of possible reasons. One of them, I think, is that he didn't think that she would really leave, or he didn't think that it would affect him if she left, but then after she left he found himself lonely and depressed, and jumped onto a rebound. Naturally, desperate to keep the rebound relationship going in order to prevent himself from being lonely again, he does the thing that he believes will keep her - proposing. I've seen a couple of these and it doesn't usually end up well either.

It's also not necessarily a gendered thing - there are some women who don't want to get married, and the man leaves because he does. (And of course, not all relationships are hetero, and so on and so forth).

Quite a few people have suggested to you that you call his bluff on the time/money thing by proposing a basic town hall registration - at the very least, it would give you the closure that you need to move on. Is there a reason you are against this?

If you can't afford your place alone, you could get a roommate. Many people do this with the current living cost crisis, and there's no shame in that.

[stillafool]

4 hours ago, Els said:

Quite a few people have suggested to you that you call his bluff on the time/money thing by proposing a basic town hall registration - at the very least, it would give you the closure that you need to move on. Is there a reason you are against this?

A lot of men get turned off by weddings.  They feel the bride cares more about that day, the dress, ceremony, party and being the center of attention than they do the marriage itself.  There are women who feel that way too.  We have a member who just couldn't justify spending that amount of money on one day.  She wanted to spend it on a fabulous honeymoon instead.  The groom insisted on a wedding.  I agree that you should call his bluff and tell him you'll forget the wedding, that marrying him is the most important thing.  If he still says no, he'll never say yes and like Els said you will have closure.