Leilao1 Posted November 9, 2005 Share Posted November 9, 2005 We met 2 years ago and hit it off right away. Even though long distance we managed to see each other every six weeks and it was intense and good when we met. We were both in bad marriages. In March 2005 I moved because of job and it seamed that the relationship will not survive, so we talked about ending it, but in a friendly way. Two weeks later his wife found out and sent me a message in which she accused me of breaking up her marriage and her family and calling me a slut. We talked and he said he was divorcing. We met twice after that. I sensed he is going through very hard time and not ready to try to give our relationship a chance so we talked and said we would stay friends. It was mutual even though I initiated a talk. I was willing to give a chance and even move to his town, but he was hesitant. I returned and started to move on. However he left the very next day two hostile voice mails telling me that he found out I was talking to his ex wife and his friends and to stop doing that or calling him and e-mailing him all together. I tried to call him but he ignored me. I confronted his ex wife but she acted like I indeed called her. Then I traced that she was also checking his e-mail messages and kept reading mine over and over. She tried to put me in trouble at work. I told him, but he was getting worse and worse. I arranged another trip to meet with him and clear the air, wanted to keep good memories of the man who I liked so much, but he refused with no explanation. She sent me a message that whatever happens with them he has no feelings for me and to dropp it all. Here is the main thing: I forgot some personal items and also gave him several nice presents. Some of it where for his daughter. Since he accussed me of jepardizing relationship with his daughter who is now one, I thought it was only fair that he sends that things back. For me it had meaning and he really mistreated me at the end. Well, it's been months and he keep saying he would. In my last message I told him: "please think about it, if I get my staff in the mail I know you will not come". He did not mail it, but two days before I supposed to fly there he said he would not be there. Is he doing this to hurt me? I responded to keep everything and all the best and to take care. Any thoughts on this? I do not know if I just should have tried to stay away, perhaps he would not react like this. I tried and wanted to al least stay good with each other. We still work for the same company and we were through a lot togehter. We were good friends although last time when he called he said that we were not friends any more. I know I was insultive, I told him that it was ok because I like man who wear pants, not doormats. I just could not understand how he would let his ex read his personal conversation. I know they are still not divorced, but he moved out back in April. If he was trying to reconcille why would not he tell me that? Please let me know what do you think. Link to post Share on other sites
dgiirl Posted November 9, 2005 Share Posted November 9, 2005 If you really want closure, closure comes from within. You will never get complete closure from him. Regardless of what he says, you'll always have questions. And when he answers some questions, you'll have more questions. You dont get closure from other people. You get closure from yourself. When you reflect back on your own situation and learn from your past mistakes. Also, leave the man alone. He's still married. If he'll cheat with you, he'll cheat on you. He's bad news and you should just leave him alone. It doesnt matter if he didnt tell you in the past he's trying to reconcile or whatever excuse he didnt give you. What's in the past is in the past. Right now, today, he wants you out of his life. Get out of his life. We all deserve to have ppl who WANT us in their lives. So seek out ppl who do want you in their lives. This whole issue about the presents, it's just an excuse to keep in contact with him. Even if it's negative attention, you're getting attention. Drop it, let him go. Demand more for yourself and move on. Give yourself the closure. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Leilao1 Posted November 9, 2005 Author Share Posted November 9, 2005 I agree with you. We had a closure after we got together last time. I wish he never called and left those messages. This was not about the presents, if he wanted me to stop then he should have mailed it like he said he would. I wanted to understand him. But you are right. This all needs to go. I did think that after two years and all risk that I took I deserved at least a decent "good bye" and I would give that to anyone, but that's me. Thanks for your help. Link to post Share on other sites
Trimmer Posted November 9, 2005 Share Posted November 9, 2005 You dont get closure from other people. You get closure from yourself. When you reflect back on your own situation and learn from your past mistakes. Ah, DG - another great piece of wisdom that I can turn around and use on you if you're ever again feeling down and need something to keep you looking forward. Nicely said. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Leilao1 Posted November 9, 2005 Author Share Posted November 9, 2005 Yes, DG, I red some of your messages and I realized I was OW, quite opposite then you. I admire the way you handle things. This guy said that his marriage was not good and it never worked out and it had nothing to do with me. Yet, she made me become nearly her obssesion! I just did not get it. I told him several times that I was willing to stay away if he wanted to work on his marriage. I did not ask him to get divorced. I had no idea what happened and when I left he attacked me. I wished him all the best and hoping that they are working it out, willing to forget about the "stalking" part. A normal man would just say - hey, I realized that I am in love with my wife and want to work on our marriage. This is the end of it. But I do not think he knew. And yes, I wanted to help her. I think she wanted him back and even though her reactions were bellow acceptable, I am the one who was with her husband and I understood. I met him before he got married and when we started did not even know that he got married. On a top of everything she was pregnant. I did not know till the baby was born. My Gosh! And guess what, I was mad, but already hooked on him. I could not go back. DG is so right...learning on past mistakes. What makes me angree is knowing that those mistakes would not have happened had I known his true story. Glad to find this board. Helped unload the pain. Link to post Share on other sites
dgiirl Posted November 9, 2005 Share Posted November 9, 2005 Ah, DG - another great piece of wisdom that I can turn around and use on you if you're ever again feeling down and need something to keep you looking forward. Nicely said. lol thanks trimmer... this is one thing that i HAVE learned, hence i never ask him questions anymore. Whenever I went to him for answers I was in more pain because of what he said was the truth. His truth was not my truth, and it didnt matter what he had said to me, I would never get closure from his truth. His truth hurt. I didnt need to know his truth. So i've focused on my truth and will continue to do so. [highjack] Anyways, I'm out of my funk and I thank you and mz pixie once again for saving me from it. Your insights into my problem gave me strength to keep going alone. [/highjack] I did think that after two years and all risk that I took I deserved at least a decent "good bye" and I would give that to anyone, but that's me. Thanks for your help. This is another thing I've learned. My exh left me in the worst way. I cant even imagine saying what he said to me to my worst enemy. That just makes me a better person than he is. I can rise above it. So can you! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Leilao1 Posted November 9, 2005 Author Share Posted November 9, 2005 wow! he must be a big time loser if he lost a girl like you - the other one will not give him what you gave - he is soon to find out, perhaps that is why he is so mean to you - you deserve all the happines which you will find Link to post Share on other sites
dgiirl Posted November 9, 2005 Share Posted November 9, 2005 wow! he must be a big time loser if he lost a girl like you - the other one will not give him what you gave - he is soon to find out, perhaps that is why he is so mean to you - you deserve all the happines which you will find aww thanks leilao... I do believe in karma, and i think he's suffered from it. (Although my friends think there's more for him to endure). I dont know what's happening in his life, nor do i really care. But we all deserve happiness. I'm working on achieving that, although it's hard sometimes Link to post Share on other sites
Author Leilao1 Posted November 9, 2005 Author Share Posted November 9, 2005 well, I think I know - he figured out the other woman is no good and you were better, but now it's too late. I deeply believe in that and you know why, because what he is looking for does not exist. I was OW to this guy and somehow I learned after a while that his wife must have been a decent person, he was the one no good, a weak kind of man, so I figured let him lose both unless miracle happens and they truly rebuild their marriage. She is a good woman too, but not as strong as you are. Link to post Share on other sites
dgiirl Posted November 9, 2005 Share Posted November 9, 2005 Thank you Leilao... That is very sweet and nice of you to say that. I dont know if he'll ever figure it out that I was better. But I do know that the way he left had haunted him for months afterwards. He told me it made him sick to his stomach to treat me that way and he was still going to counselling 6 months later. That was enough karma for me. But yes, when someone is willing to cheat, they already have it in their heads that the blind spouse is some evil non-decent person, and frankly that's not true. We all have bad and good aspects of ourselves. We all make mistakes, and we hopefully learn from them and do better in the future. You seem to have a good head on your shoulders. I truely hope you find happiness again with a man who deserves you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Leilao1 Posted November 10, 2005 Author Share Posted November 10, 2005 One day I will, like all of us...it takes time, your ex ended it that bad because he wanted to make it easier for himself, but it did not work in a long run when he had to take all that counseling. The girl with him will soon have to put up with OW I am afraid. But that is now their problem. My biggest shock was when I learned that my guy actually knew his wife was reading my e-mails and that was causing her so much pain. He kept it going that way for months till I found out. How soo sick. He just did not care. I could not believe it. And now he is telling her how he actually loves her...I guess he proved it. She tried to talk to me and I felt very bad, I told her that I did not know many things and apologized for all the pain and said that I would stay out if they were working on the marriage, just needed to know and he was not going to tell me. She said she did not know if they would get back but I realized that she really wanted him back. So I trew trash on him and it's okay, he deserved it. And yes, I do love him. You can't chose who you fall in love with but you CAN chose not to be with them. Enough of my story and thank you for listening. I do like when people let the relationship or marriage run it's course rather then cutting it. Your man was a weak baby, he should have done it gradualy so you can get used to it, but he would never had a courage to do it that way. He was scared to get back with you and OW was probably pushing for divorce. I do believe if she did then it won't last. Everything that was acomplished by force last till the iron is still hot. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts