My ex in a rebound engagement - keeps bugging me

[glows]

Do you have a support system ie therapy or counselling, close friends or family? You mentioned therapy and that’s a good thing. Turn to these people. 

Is your ex still connected to you via social media or are you communicating? Block and delete. You don’t need a constant window into her new life. It’s none of your business what she’s doing now - make it none of your business.

Steer clear of armchair diagnoses about her. A ton of people after a messy break up will think their ex is narcissistic, has BPD, attachment issues and all manner of psychological problems. Don’t go down that rabbit hole. It’s not your job. You’re not her psychiatrist. Be firm and have good boundaries - take care of your own mental health.

She cheated on you multiple times and told you(?) or strongly indicated that you didn’t treat her well. You say your memory is bad but this doesn’t make sense - it’s hard to believe how you don’t remember what might have caused her to say something so negative about you or the relationship. If you really don’t know and think you treated her well she didn’t deserve you. It’s time to move forwards but be practical and get rid of any contact with her. Don’t expect to feel good with a problematic ex still lingering in the background.

 

[Sunday30]

22 minutes ago, glows said:

Do you have a support system ie therapy or counselling, close friends or family? You mentioned therapy and that’s a good thing. Turn to these people. 

Is your ex still connected to you via social media or are you communicating? Block and delete. You don’t need a constant window into her new life. It’s none of your business what she’s doing now - make it none of your business.

Steer clear of armchair diagnoses about her. A ton of people after a messy break up will think their ex is narcissistic, has BPD, attachment issues and all manner of psychological problems. Don’t go down that rabbit hole. It’s not your job. You’re not her psychiatrist. Be firm and have good boundaries - take care of your own mental health.

She cheated on you multiple times and told you(?) or strongly indicated that you didn’t treat her well. You say your memory is bad but this doesn’t make sense - it’s hard to believe how you don’t remember what might have caused her to say something so negative about you or the relationship. If you really don’t know and think you treated her well she didn’t deserve you. It’s time to move forwards but be practical and get rid of any contact with her. Don’t expect to feel good with a problematic ex still lingering in the background.

 

I do, I go to therapy weekly and talk to my friends and family. Im working kn restructuring my life and will likely go live abroad for a while, the change of scenery seems like a helpful thing.

Neither of us is really a social media person, I muted her on instagram, where we both hardly post anything. I am only somewhat in touch with her due to apartment stuff (bills, things, keys) which will be over in 2 months, then we will likely never speak again.

Yeah I get that, but I’ve always known she has psychological problems (really she legit has issues that need professional help which she was always reluctant to seek out, instead she self medicated etc) I just thought I could handle it and have a positive impact on her, but have severly underestimated what she could do or how it could affect me. 
 

I always thought I treated her well, but I have adhd and tend to be very stressed and get lost in a pursuit of things like trying to get a better career etc so I might not notice I was either neglecting her or missed something. On the other hand she usually communicates in hints, expects me to read her mind and what she wants and likes and dislikes often changes so it is hard to adapt to it. I know I have somewhat poor relationship with money so I often overspent on gifts for her or other stuff, which she said stressed her out, but she never really put in work to also make more money and try to build something together - seems she expects her partner to take care of everything material… so while I have my shortcomings I always try to improve and take responsibility. She tends to aboid responsibility.. perhaps also why I was more stressed than I would be otherwise, I always felt like everything is up to me. So honestly I don’t know if I was that bad to her.. it was 5 years ago and I have to think, that if I was so bad to her, why was she with me for 8years and couldnt stay for very long with other people (or I think often them with her.. cuz she honestly isn’t the easiest person), so I mist have treated her well, most of the time and if I wasn’t it was due to my own stress/depression from chronic pain  or getting lost in work, never that I woudl actively mistreate her, I loved her more than anything in the world.

she cheated when we had problems and she felt like I dont understand her or am neglecting her or something - eg she made out with some guy who “understood her” after I yelled at her, after putting herself in a dangerous situation where she stayed at some party till sunrise with people she didnt know and called me that she was feeling sick and worried somebody put something in her drink. I was worried out of my mind amd yelled at her on the way home and we had a fight. She is super naive and nothing seems dangerous to her, once we even got into a really shitry situation, because she wanted me to trust her judgment… her judgemnet sucks - eg moving in (to another country where she knows nobody else) with a guy who in the past threatened to kill himself if she left him, despite the short time they were together and now getting engaged to him after a few weeks and totally depending on him materially and socially in an expensive city she can’t afgord to live in and basically just hopes for the best.. 

Edited September 10, 2023 by Sunday30

[Lotsgoingon]

You are seriously deeply entangled with her. I know people who were married for 30 years, 40 years, who aren't as entangled as you are. 

I'll be blunt. You may need a better therapist and you may need to go 2x a week. I'm sorry, you're so lost and down the rabbit home of entanglement--you don't exist without thinking first of this person, even when they are not involved with you--you really want a lot more than routine weekly therapy. At the very minimum your therapist should be assigning lots of homework to you to do in between.

BTW: this chaos you got entangled in goes back to your childhood. You need to do work on two levels: on the level of this crazy relationship. And on the level of what it was growing up that so stunted your emotional development such that you would get so entangled. I know people with terrible boundaries, who aren't particularly bright and haven't sough much therapy who disentangle themselves from a bad relationship far faster than you are. You've got some serious neglect or trauma in your childhood history. This would be along the lines of emotional neglect, not starvation. 

Challenge: you want to be asking questions about advancing in therapy and about destabilizing episodes in your childhood, not asking questions about this ex partner. Is your therapist any good?

[ExpatInItaly]

4 hours ago, Sunday30 said:

how come none of her relationships with men ever worked well,

Girl, your relationship didn't work well, either. 

She cheated. And then wanted space to have sex with a different man. And all kinds of other chaos and unheathy behaviour. Just because you two hung on for 8 years doesn't mean it was a better relationship. It means you were afraid to let go of her,, that's all. 

[ExpatInItaly]

3 hours ago, Sunday30 said:

her judgemnet sucks - eg moving in (to another country where she knows nobody else) with a guy who in the past threatened to kill himself if she left him, despite the short time they were together and now getting engaged to him after a few weeks and totally depending on him materially and socially in an expensive city she can’t afgord to live in and basically just hopes for the best.. 

Meh, this is their problem. Not yours. 

[Sunday30]

On 9/10/2023 at 8:15 PM, Lotsgoingon said:

You are seriously deeply entangled with her. I know people who were married for 30 years, 40 years, who aren't as entangled as you are. 

I'll be blunt. You may need a better therapist and you may need to go 2x a week. I'm sorry, you're so lost and down the rabbit home of entanglement--you don't exist without thinking first of this person, even when they are not involved with you--you really want a lot more than routine weekly therapy. At the very minimum your therapist should be assigning lots of homework to you to do in between.

BTW: this chaos you got entangled in goes back to your childhood. You need to do work on two levels: on the level of this crazy relationship. And on the level of what it was growing up that so stunted your emotional development such that you would get so entangled. I know people with terrible boundaries, who aren't particularly bright and haven't sough much therapy who disentangle themselves from a bad relationship far faster than you are. You've got some serious neglect or trauma in your childhood history. This would be along the lines of emotional neglect, not starvation. 

Challenge: you want to be asking questions about advancing in therapy and about destabilizing episodes in your childhood, not asking questions about this ex partner. Is your therapist any good?

Yeah, I know... I've never had a connection like this. Even when I liked somebody in the past I was over them pretty easy. With her never... when we met at 18 years and were together for like half a year then broke up I still couldn't forget her for years. Then we met out of the blue on the street just after I thought of her. I didn't want to get back together anymore but I still loved her and we ended up getting back together. Even the first time I met her I was planning on leaving the country, but I stayed cuz it felt like she was what I was looking for anyway. 

That therapist is excellent but he only works with repressed emotions and not with relationships, I considered looking for another one to supplement this therapy, but I don't know what kind to look for. I like some of the relationship coaches, but they are insanely expensive. 

I am working on my childhood s*** (there is plenty of course, I grew up on a college dormitory as a war refugee and my parents didn't get along very well and my mother is mentally unstable even though they both tried to love us, they were just not very good at it or mature themselves so I ended up being the one who understands other people cuz they are all too [messed] up to give me what I needed), but I don't have anyone to work with on this relationship situation unfortunately. I'd like to though. 

On the other hand I think you are greatly exaggerating a lot lol - I was in an 8yr relationship with somebody I've known half my life and who was the only family to me, because I was never really close to my family and it ended in a pretty crazy way without much discussion and that person basically vanished from my life overnight and turned into a stranger - who wouldnt be [ ] up and tried to understand what happened? It's only been 2 months. I don't think it is even possible to be ok this fast, especially if the relationship ended in a weird way. People often don't get over somebody for years, so...  

Edited September 11, 2023 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language

[Sunday30]

On 9/10/2023 at 8:37 PM, ExpatInItaly said:

Girl, your relationship didn't work well, either. 

She cheated. And then wanted space to have sex with a different man. And all kinds of other chaos and unheathy behaviour. Just because you two hung on for 8 years doesn't mean it was a better relationship. It means you were afraid to let go of her,, that's all. 

Yeah well, be both have screwed up childhoods, ofc it wasn't going to be all great and normal, but we were happy for the most part of it. I'm of course telling you about all the bad s***, but if it was just bad s*** we wouldn't be together for that long. Interestingly enough - I would have never tolerated all those many thing with anybody else, but somehow with her I have...I guess I thought I could "love her out of it"? or something... it's stupid I know. But like I've said, I don't have these kinds of problems with other people nor have I had them in the past, it was easy for me to cut ties with somebody if they stepped over the line etc. With her I've always had some sort of need to take care of her and protect her and wanted to give her the love she didn't have in childhood, because in some way she gave me the love I didn't have too, but over time I got lost in it. Now it's hard. I have some good days finally, but my mind tends to think about the whole thing a lot.

Guess my problem is, that I never really got along with anybody else in this certain way as I have with her, because I simply couldn't find anybody who would understand me in ways she has and rarely does a person interest me or that I would find them attractive. And now I have a bit of a ptsd tbh. I am scared to get into another relationship after this one. 

People around me all tell me she is crazy, how I dodged the bullet etc, and I guess they are right, but sometimes I wonder if I am not the crazy one, if I am not waaaaaaay more [messed] up then people around me think, all my friends and family think I am a bit eccentric perhaps but mostly normal and cool and smart etc., but I wonder if perhaps I've had a negative effect on her more than I think, I often think she was being a certain way, then I start to doubt if it wasn't me who was like that. This relationship has really messed with my head... I now doubt all kinds of things I used to be sure of. 

Edited September 11, 2023 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language

[Lotsgoingon]

Good luck.

 

[JTSW]

On 9/9/2023 at 12:04 PM, Sunday30 said:

I have no way of knowing really anything about her anymore and she is in another country.

Then let it go.

It seems you are desperate for her new relationship to be a phase.

I think deep down you want her back.

But that's not going to happen.

[stillafool]

On 9/10/2023 at 1:42 AM, Sunday30 said:

Quote

Yeah, but when we were apart I also had a thing with men, but they never meant anything, it was just for sex. And I know that what she is mainly after is attention, always has been and men are eager to give it to her as soon as they see her, I think if it was like this with women, she would be with women, so not really sure it is what that is about, but who knows.

Maybe men never meant anything to you but it's clear they mean something to her because she keeps running back to them.  You say it was just for sex but that is powerful and it's sounds like they are her choice now.

Quote

Why would I want her back? Look at her behaviour… I’m just trying to come to terms with sll this disappointing s***. I’vr been giving her too much credit… may the new guy enjoy the relationship where he over-gives and she hardly does anything and as soon as she feels like she is not the center of his world for 5 minutes she will be shopping for attention elswhere.

You have no idea what their relationship is like and it's best not to let your mind create scenarios that are more than likely not true.  However, you are making the right choice by not wanting her back.

Quote

I dont want somebody I cannot trust amd somebody who is capable of doing such an insane thing like jumping into an engagment straight out of an 8yr relationship and playing at a commited relationship with somebody she hardly knows.. so short after she was still telling me she loved me. I feel disgust. Her loyalty can be bought with a little attention and appearently some money/validation… I can never look at her the same. Not to mention she left me to deal with her crap and the flat on my own, cuz her MO is running away

. 

 

I know it hurts but this happens often.   I've known people who were in a relationship for over a decade and left, fell in love with another person and were married within 2 years.   It happens.  You'll be okay.

[Sunday30]

4 hours ago, stillafool said:

I know it hurts but this happens often.   I've known people who were in a relationship for over a decade and left, fell in love with another person and were married within 2 years.   It happens.  You'll be okay.

Yeah, 2 years not 3 weeks to be engaged  Also she’s not in love, whatver it is, it’s not love. 

 

But Ive realized she simply has fairly serious mental health problems, some degree of BPD. Therapy has been very helpful in detaching. Though I will likely always worry about her, hope she also starts working on her problems.

[ExpatInItaly]

26 minutes ago, Sunday30 said:

But Ive realized she simply has fairly serious mental health problems, some degree of BPD. 

 An ex-boyfriend of mine suffers from BPD (diagnosed, but refused treatment) 

We didn't even last a year before I got off that merry-go-round. It's been years now since we spiit and I cut off contact. We do however, have a couple mutual friends, and it's clear his life is just as chaotic now as it was then (even though he is also married now with a child)

I don't have any ill will towards him. In fact, I'm indifferent to him - but I am grateful he is not my headache anymore. You will reach a point someday too where you don't really care what your ex is up to any longer. 

[Sunday30]

2 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

 An ex-boyfriend of mine suffers from BPD (diagnosed, but refused treatment) 

We didn't even last a year before I got off that merry-go-round. It's been years now since we spiit and I cut off contact. We do however, have a couple mutual friends, and it's clear his life is just as chaotic now as it was then (even though he is also married now with a child)

I don't have any ill will towards him. In fact, I'm indifferent to him - but I am grateful he is not my headache anymore. You will reach a point someday too where you don't really care what your ex is up to any longer. 

Yeah.. I always knew she had some sort of problem, but the only kne I knew about was OCD, which she was fairly open about, but also refused any treatment for that. I kept trying to get her to ho to therapy, cuz I saw all the self-destructive self-medicating behviour and it worried me, plus I knew how distressed she was about lots of things, but she was “handling it” theough self-medication and her “tricks” (whatever that was). At the end of the relationship she became pretty depressed and neither of us knew why or what to do - I mean she fell into politics/conspiracy black hole and never went out with people, that didnt help.

But I never knew about attchment theory or BPD until after the break up…

oh well… the therapy has been very helpful, I just hope she will be ok. I suspect that new guy also has BPD or something like this (he was into self harm and threatened to kill himself if she left him back then, also totally love bombing her etc)… oh boy.

 

It’s much less stressful without her even now, but I feel lonely and while I  don’t feel attracted to her anymore or miss her per se, I am sad about the whole thing and really hope, she will be ok, she has no idea, what she is doing or why and well very naive and alone in a foreign country with a person maybe mkre unstable than her.

Edited September 11, 2023 by Sunday30

[d0nnivain]

After 8 years you know intellectually that this relationship wasn't working.  You are lonely because even as bad as things were with her, she was still there & you had somebody.  It was the something is better than nothing mentality.  No it's not when it comes to relationships. 

You will be better served accepting that this is finally over for good, grieving the loss & moving forward.  The longer you continue to wallow around in this morass, the less time you will have to find a new healthy happy relationship.  

[Sunday30]

18 hours ago, JTSW said:

Then let it go.

It seems you are desperate for her new relationship to be a phase.

I think deep down you want her back.

But that's not going to happen.

I would want back something that doesn exist anymore. An imaginary version of her, not this person she is now, she felt like a stranger when I last saw her. 
 

Her new relationship is BS, however long it lasts.They both behave in a way that is riddled with red flags, I realize that now that I feel more centered.

[Sunday30]

8 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

After 8 years you know intellectually that this relationship wasn't working.  You are lonely because even as bad as things were with her, she was still there & you had somebody.  It was the something is better than nothing mentality.  No it's not when it comes to relationships. 

You will be better served accepting that this is finally over for good, grieving the loss & moving forward.  The longer you continue to wallow around in this morass, the less time you will have to find a new healthy happy relationship.  

I know, but I honestly have no how to be in a normal relationship, nor do I have the strength to look for one now or go through all the phases with somebody new. I’m in a tough spot in life and would just need somebody to be here to keep me company and support me, my libido has died a while back due to some poor dynamics in our relationship in the last years and I really don’t have the strenght to “act my best” or whatever rn. I have a lot of work to do on my health and wealth and am really sad I have to do it alone, because it’s just too hard dealing with everything alone, especially when you are not doing all too well.

[d0nnivain]

4 hours ago, Sunday30 said:

I know, but I honestly have no how to be in a normal relationship, nor do I have the strength to look for one now or go through all the phases with somebody new. I’m in a tough spot in life and would just need somebody to be here to keep me company and support me, my libido has died a while back due to some poor dynamics in our relationship in the last years and I really don’t have the strenght to “act my best” or whatever rn. I have a lot of work to do on my health and wealth and am really sad I have to do it alone, because it’s just too hard dealing with everything alone, especially when you are not doing all too well.

You are in a bad place emotionally & that is adversely affecting & compounding your physical issues.  When you let go of the burden of this relationship you will have more time to focus on your health & your wealth.  You don't have to act your best.  You don't need to go find somebody else right now.  In fact I would recommend against it.  You need to be alone to regroup & concentrate on yourself for a while.   You do not have to all alone. Renew some friendships.  Reconnect with family.  Heck, join a support group.  

[stillafool]

7 hours ago, Sunday30 said:

I know, but I honestly have no how to be in a normal relationship, nor do I have the strength to look for one now or go through all the phases with somebody new. I’m in a tough spot in life and would just need somebody to be here to keep me company and support me, my libido has died a while back due to some poor dynamics in our relationship in the last years and I really don’t have the strenght to “act my best” or whatever rn. I have a lot of work to do on my health and wealth and am really sad I have to do it alone, because it’s just too hard dealing with everything alone, especially when you are not doing all too well.

I agree that the last thing you need right now is another relationship.  You do need support.  Do you have friends and family members who are willing to support you?  Also look into social programs to meet new people.  It's best to stay close to your friends and relatives in your present state.  Moving abroad would take away the support you have now.

 

20 hours ago, Sunday30 said:

Yeah, 2 years not 3 weeks to be engaged  Also she’s not in love, whatver it is, it’s not love. 

 

18 hours ago, Sunday30 said:

she has no idea, what she is doing or why and well very naive and alone in a foreign country with a person maybe mkre unstable than her.

You don't know the above to be facts.  She may be very happy and fulfilled.  At this point she doesn't matter anymore because it's done.  You need to find a healthy support system. 

[Sunday30]

5 hours ago, stillafool said:

I agree that the last thing you need right now is another relationship.  You do need support.  Do you have friends and family members who are willing to support you?  Also look into social programs to meet new people.  It's best to stay close to your friends and relatives in your present state.  Moving abroad would take away the support you have now.

 

 

You don't know the above to be facts.  She may be very happy and fulfilled.  At this point she doesn't matter anymore because it's done.  You need to find a healthy support system. 

Im not gonna move, jist be away for a bit. I do have support to a degree yes.

 

I know she is not happy and fullfilled, I know her, she needs intense therapy, she may be distracted now, but that’s about it. But like you say, not my concern anymore.

My perspective has shifted a lot in the past 2 weeks

[Sunday30]

8 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

You are in a bad place emotionally & that is adversely affecting & compounding your physical issues.  When you let go of the burden of this relationship you will have more time to focus on your health & your wealth.  You don't have to act your best.  You don't need to go find somebody else right now.  In fact I would recommend against it.  You need to be alone to regroup & concentrate on yourself for a while.   You do not have to all alone. Renew some friendships.  Reconnect with family.  Heck, join a support group.  

Already done all that, just saying nobody replaces a partner. Friends and family arent there in the night to hold you or have a deep u derstanding of you, nor the hug etc feels like it does from a partner. I am just sad this wont be something I will have god knows how long… and could really use it now. 

[basil67]

18 hours ago, Sunday30 said:

my libido has died a while back due to some poor dynamics in our relationship in the last years 

This alone says that the relationship needed to end.  For both her sake and yours.  

You've been doing a bit of armchair dx here, but it's also possible that the two of you didn't simply bring out each other's best

 

[Sunday30]

4 hours ago, basil67 said:

This alone says that the relationship needed to end.  For both her sake and yours.  

You've been doing a bit of armchair dx here, but it's also possible that the two of you didn't simply bring out each other's best

 

Yeah.. she had some insecurities, jealousy and eventually a weird vibe towards me in this way - it didn’t start out that way at all… saddly it became this. I still feel blocked, as if she pit a spell on me.

 

What does armchair dx mean?

[basil67]

On 9/13/2023 at 3:32 PM, Sunday30 said:

Yeah.. she had some insecurities, jealousy and eventually a weird vibe towards me in this way - it didn’t start out that way at all… saddly it became this. I still feel blocked, as if she pit a spell on me.

What does armchair dx mean?

OK yeah.  If she was hard work, odds are that you stopped wanting sex with her because the relationship was failing.  And this means that it needed to end.

Her new relationship could be legit.  I've been with my partner since 1992  - we met just two months after I left my first marriage.  I wasn't planning on entering a new relationship so quickly, but when it's right, it's right.   Only time will tell if the two of them last....but she and her problematic behaviours are no longer your problem.

Armchair dx refers to guessing at a diagnosis with no formal training.  

[Sunday30]

4 hours ago, basil67 said:

OK yeah.  If she was hard work, odds are that you stopped wanting sex with her because the relationship was failing.  And this means that it needed to end.

Her new relationship could be legit.  I've been with my partner since 1992  - we met just two months after I left my first marriage.  I wasn't planning on entering a new relationship so quickly, but when it's right, it's right.   Only time will tell if the two of them last....but she and her problematic behaviours are no longer your problem.

Armchair dx refers to guessing at a diagnosis with no formal training.  

Good for you but I expect neither of you has serious mental health problems (not the case for the two of them).
 

I am pretty confident in the diagnosis though, and since she is reluctant and has been to go to therapy or see somebody, I wonder if she will get a proper diagnosis, but I haved lived with her for 8 years and known her half my life. I know her bahviour and I know she has OCD for sure, I always knew she had some problems I just never knew how serious it was and thought it was related to the OCD, and thought I could handle it. I am sure her new relationship is BS (though it may last - ours lasted long even though it ws pretty toxic) after all this that I realized through reading and therapy, but I no longer care as I don’t want her back anymore. I just hope she’ll be alright and I wish her well. I found a place in my mind where what she does no longer influences how I feel about myself so it doesn’t bother me like it did when I made this post, therapy, NC and understanding really does wonder.

There were way too many things wrong with that relationship, I know, but I kept thinking I could handle it and that it would get better etc. I know better now as I have finaly accepted the reality.

Edited September 14, 2023 by Sunday30

[JTSW]

4 minutes ago, Sunday30 said:

I am sure her new relationship is BS

What if its not?

What if it turns out to be legit and she gets married and is happy?

Edited September 14, 2023 by JTSW