Arguing over our dog spells bigger problems?

[simonesimone]

Hello all,

I had serious issues with my current partner of three years but I decided to give her another chance. Been together for more than three years now, and we also adopted a rescue at some point (about two years ago).

Long story short: we live abroad (for my work) but we've been staying with her parents for about a month now due to their health issues. Our dog, who came with us, has been destructive in the past and despite our (mostly my) best efforts, the poor thing can't be trained not to rip our clothes to shreds when he gets bored, meaning he has to sleep in a crate. 

At the same time my partner's parents don't allow pets inside the house but otherwise love animals and have agreed to take care of our dog for a few months bc we need to travel a lot for work in the upcoming period. They left the house to us as they went on holidays (and for treatment) and they were adamant about not letting the dog inside, which we respected throughout.

They're about to come back tomorrow, which made my partner let the dog inside today although I was against it bc he's most likely to leave paw prints all over the place if nothing else. Basically I wanted to avoid a fight bw my partner and her parents bc they will most likely realize what we did. Btw we're both adults (I'm 40, my partner is 32).

Then she decided she wanted to sleep with the dog in our bed for emotional support as she said which for me has always been a hard no even before we adopted him. She fully expected me to sleep on the couch. I very openly said I don't feel comfortable with this and that I don't feel respected bc she knows full well I can't sleep with the dog there as I don't trust him.

I then tried to explain how I didn't really want that type of character in my first dog (I never had a dog in my entire life prior to this) and she simply lost it to the point of telling me she wants to break up with me and calling me a horrible person etc.

I've never, ever shown anything except absolute love and care for our dog. I am the one checking labels on everything before we feed it to him. I also try to train him more than my partner. I'm usually the one walking him, too (although she usually takes him for longer walks due to the nature of my job). The argument above then turned into a full-blown attack where she said I trashed her parents (bc I told her earlier she's too involved in their lives at the expense of her health and career and she's not letting them take their own decisions, which is true) and how I don't deserve to be a part of her family, etc. Again, she told me I was a horrible person for not thinking this is good for her or them, for that matter.
 

For the sake or full disclosure, a year ago my dad was horrible to our dog and I got into a fight and didn't speak with him for 9 months. Clearly I love our dog and it just felt horrible being accused of all of these things over what I thought was a benign remark between partners.

In my opinion partners should be able to talk about things honestly, and although I should have chosen a more tactful approach, I am tired of these situations where I'll say something benign and then being made into a monster.

Or am I the one who's wrong?

[glows]

The dog being in her parents house is fine but to say the dog is her emotional support and expect you to sleep on the couch tells me she resents you. You probably feel that and are deeply hurt. Neither of you are getting down to what’s really bothering you without attacking one another. For you it’s about her being too involved her parents that hurts her. For you it’s her choosing the dog over you and calling you a horrible person. 

Is your partner neglecting you? How is intimacy? How long has it been? Note that there is counselling for loved ones grieving or needing support as caregivers - I would be supportive and not critique her. Let her know that counselling is available. It’s clear she needs support in some way. It’s just coming out in such a destructive way that she’s using the dog in a way that she is likely to know will hurt you. Don’t take this personally because elders like parents will be dead and gone one day. 

I would not say either of you are wrong. You’re just both very hurt and needing one another’s support but are ending up in a destructive cycle.

As for the dog, why not hire a professional trainer and get some tips as well on training your dog? I did this with my first dog. And then after that you know how to train them. I didn’t need a trainer or training classes for my other dogs. The first two were German shepherds and my current is an Australian cattle dog or blue heeler. I understand completely what it’s like to lose items or see them become destructive. You just have to work through that and teach patiently. These kinds of dogs are also working dogs so give them jobs and exercise regularly. 

Edited September 9, 2023 by glows

[mark clemson]

I think this yelling over the dog is venting deeper frustrations. If this sort of thing happens only very occasionally it can probably be worked through. If it happens, or starts to happen, regularly, it's a sign that the relationship is seriously fraying and/or (perhaps even worse) that your partner feels it's ok to vent their frustrations on you whenever they feel like it - something some might call emotional abuse.

It's also possible your partner has been having second thoughts about continuing your relationship and that's what this is about - she(?) is starting to "push you away".

I'd proceed cautiously here. Ultimately any relationship boils down to a choice that both partners make. So if one partner sincerely and genuinely wants out - well, it's over or at best a house of cards. For your part, you probably don't want to choose to continue in a relationship if you become an "emotional punching bag".

[simonesimone]

8 minutes ago, glows said:

The dog being in her parents house is fine but to say the dog is her emotional support and expect you to sleep on the couch tells me she resents you. You probably feel that and are deeply hurt. Neither of you are getting down to what’s really bothering you without attacking one another. For you it’s about her being too involved her parents that hurts her. For you it’s her choosing the dog over you and calling you a horrible person. 

Is your partner neglecting you? How is intimacy? How long has it been? Note that there is counselling for loved ones grieving or needing support as caregivers - I would be supportive and not critique her. Let her know that counselling is available. It’s clear she needs support in some way. It’s just coming out in such a destructive way that she’s using the dog in a way that she is likely to know will hurt you. Don’t take this personally because elders like parents will be dead and gone one day. 

I would not say either of you are wrong. You’re just both very hurt and needing one another’s support but are ending up in a destructive cycle.

Obviously I don't mind lying to her folks about the dog being inside. At the same time her mom didn't talk to her for three days last time she realized we let the dog in, and with us leaving soon I really wanted to avoid that happening again bc it's really hurtful and I'm the one that had to deal with the consequences.

More importantly our intimacy has been sh*t lately. We haven't had sex in three months and frankly I tried to initiate multiple times but almost every single time I get turned off bc she can't stop talking about her parents' health in very detailed way. I'm serious. It's all she ever talks about these days.

I think she does resent me, and I'm afraid you're right. I just don't understand the root cause. Sometimes it feels it's the fact that my career is going better than hers - earlier today she screamed at me for working (it was around 5 pm so I was still on the clock) and not dropping everything and helping her out with a massive headache she supposedly had (I work from home and it's a major luxury). Maybe it's also that she moved bc of my job despite the fact that we have it so much better now and her own career wasn't affected at all. 

I often feel she uses the dog as a crutch or rather a tool to hurt me. This is not the first time we got into a fight over it, either. On her birthday she got terribly drunk and insisted that the dog sleeps with us and when I (calmly) said no she tried to slap me. She didn't only bc I caught her hand mid-air. She told me the next day she didn't remember any of it.

 

[simonesimone]

3 minutes ago, mark clemson said:

I think this yelling over the dog is venting deeper frustrations. If this sort of thing happens only very occasionally it can probably be worked through. If it happens, or starts to happen, regularly, it's a sign that the relationship is seriously fraying and/or (perhaps even worse) that your partner feels it's ok to vent their frustrations on you whenever they feel like it - something some might call emotional abuse.

It's also possible your partner has been having second thoughts about continuing your relationship and that's what this is about - she(?) is starting to "push you away".

I'd proceed cautiously here. Ultimately any relationship boils down to a choice that both partners make. So if one partner sincerely and genuinely wants out - well, it's over or at best a house of cards. For your part, you probably don't want to choose to continue in a relationship if you become an "emotional punching bag".

Lately while arguing she's been saying how she's only with me for the perk of living in a place where she gets certain privileges she otherwise wouldn't. She repeated it today and I asked her very openly once she calmed down whether I was a means to an end and she said no. She didn't apologize for it though and when I said it hurt my feelings she went back to screaming at me and making it about the dog despite me saying the poor thing wasn't even the topic of conversation.

[basil67]

First of all, I have to echo @glows and urge you to get a dog trainer.  We also adopted a dog which had behavioural issues.  We followed the trainer's lessons exactly - it was a lot of work, but the outcome was fantastic.  

Anyway, I had this whole spiel ready to write based on your first post (basically, to stay out of her relationship with her parents).  But upon reading your following posts, I can only say that your relationship sounds awful.   But of course, perhaps there's a lot of great things and you've only told us the bad stuff.

Do still you love her?  If so, WHY do you love her?  (serious question)  Does this relationship meet your needs?   Do you really think it's worth saving?

 

[basil67]

58 minutes ago, simonesimone said:

Lately while arguing she's been saying how she's only with me for the perk of living in a place where she gets certain privileges she otherwise wouldn't. She repeated it today and I asked her very openly once she calmed down whether I was a means to an end and she said no. 

You did the wrong thing by engaging with her after this comment.  Such words should be an automatic dealbreaker.   --------> "Well if that's how it is, there's the door.  Pack your things and leave!"

[Acacia98]

4 hours ago, simonesimone said:

In my opinion partners should be able to talk about things honestly, and although I should have chosen a more tactful approach, I am tired of these situations where I'll say something benign and then being made into a monster.

Or am I the one who's wrong?

Your partner doesn't seem to respect other people's boundaries. I say this based on how she dismisses your parents' boundaries and yours, as well as her own. Perhaps she's one of those folks who sacrifice too much to accommodate other people then spend a lot of time resenting them and trying to restore balance by going against those people's wishes. Is this part of who she has always been, or is it just a recent aspect of her behavior?

Also, is her refusal to engage in frank communication something that has always been an issue?

You also say, "I had serious issues with my current partner of three years but I decided to give her another chance." If you don't mind my asking, what kinds of issues were these? And were they resolved?

[basil67]

5 hours ago, simonesimone said:

In my opinion partners should be able to talk about things honestly, and although I should have chosen a more tactful approach, I am tired of these situations where I'll say something benign and then being made into a monster.

I missed this bit first time around.  However I did read where you expressed opinions about her letting the dog into their house and about how she is too involved in her parents lives.  Rather than being benign, I was going to say that you were out of line telling her telling her how to manage her relationship with her parents.  While your observations are valid, this is their relationship and as hard as it is to sit back and watch the mess, this really is between them.

If she asks for your opinion, then give it.  But otherwise butt out.  Not your circus, not your monkeys.  Of course, if she starts complaining about them to you, or being exhausted, simply say that you realise that you've overstepped the line before and you're now staying out of it.  Simply state that she needs to sort this out with them and please don't bring her complaints to you

Also about the dog taking your place in the bed, I think you're too wordy with all this discussion about feeling disrespected.  Just state "I am not not giving up my bed space to the dog"  If she argues, tell her to sleep in the crate.

That's of course if you actually decide to stay with her. 

 

Edited September 9, 2023 by basil67

[Wiseman2]

Agree. The dog seems to be a canvas that your underlying relationship issues are being drawn on. Unfortunately you're in a chronic power struggle. Arguing about arguing an stuck in the "who's right, who's wrong" loop. 

[MsJayne]

What I got from your post is;  Her parents don't want the dog in their house but she let it in anyway, using a lame excuse for being downright disrespectful. She expected you to sleep on the couch so the dog could sleep on the bed. In general you're playing second fiddle to a badly behaved pet and if you object in any way you get abused. Your girlfriend spits bile at you whenever it suits her. She never acknowledges her appalling behaviour. 

Why are you still with this person who treats you like a doormat? Her comment about being with you for the perks is quite likely true because she sounds devoid of conscience, is concerned only with her own needs, and she ignores other people's boundaries - possibly three indicators of a quite serious mental health issue. Three months of no intimacy isn't surprising given that she bleats on about her parents health all the time, that would be enough to shrivel up any desire. Pack her bags for her, buy her a voucher for a good dog trainer as a goodbye gift, and rid yourself of this manipulative bully. Please at least, when her parents realise she had the dog in their house, make sure they know that you tried to stop her from being so disrespectful. Drop her straight in the s***. 

 

[basil67]

Is this the same woman?   If so, it doesn't sound like things have improved

 

[Kassieee]

4 hours ago, MsJayne said:

What I got from your post is;  Her parents don't want the dog in their house but she let it in anyway, using a lame excuse for being downright disrespectful. She expected you to sleep on the couch so the dog could sleep on the bed. In general you're playing second fiddle to a badly behaved pet and if you object in any way you get abused. Your girlfriend spits bile at you whenever it suits her. She never acknowledges her appalling behaviour. 

Why are you still with this person who treats you like a doormat? Her comment about being with you for the perks is quite likely true because she sounds devoid of conscience, is concerned only with her own needs, and she ignores other people's boundaries - possibly three indicators of a quite serious mental health issue. Three months of no intimacy isn't surprising given that she bleats on about her parents health all the time, that would be enough to shrivel up any desire. Pack her bags for her, buy her a voucher for a good dog trainer as a goodbye gift, and rid yourself of this manipulative bully. Please at least, when her parents realise she had the dog in their house, make sure they know that you tried to stop her from being so disrespectful. Drop her straight in the s***. 

 

Alllllll of this. 

[ExpatInItaly]

Your relationship is a dumpster fire and it has nothing to do with the dog. 

 

[Alpacalia]

Yikes, your girlfriend sounds controlling and insensitive in this situation.

If she felt so strongly about the situation with your dog that she's lashing out at you and threatening to break up with you, that's something to not simply accept as "normal".

The dog biting and tearing the clothes means he is stressed out. I have no doubt that your dog is picking up on the tension between you and your partner. The crate might help him feel more secure, but it's not a long term solution. A better option might be some professional behavior modification training to help him learn to control his anxiety. I realize the bigger picture is the situation with your girlfriend but it really is unfair to the dog to bear the brunt of the stress and frustration. 

It sounds like you do really care about your dog and your relationship and want a solution that is reasonable. But your girlfriend is the limiting factor here. If she refused to accept your perspective and is evidencing controlling behavior, that is a much more significant issue than the dog.

[JTSW]

On 9/9/2023 at 4:24 AM, simonesimone said:

she's been saying how she's only with me for the perk of living in a place where she gets certain privileges she otherwise wouldn't. She repeated it today and I asked her very openly once she calmed down whether I was a means to an end and she said no.

Dude, why haven't you left?

Saying that is disgusting of her and I'd be straight out the door.

She's not ended it because of the 'perks' she gets from being with you, She is using you, and it sounds like she feels absolutely nothing for you.

She is horrible.

Leave her, please.