Eyes wide open

[laurastella]

What does it mean when a guy suddenly starts looking at you with eyes wide open (like a surprised look)?

I am new at this job (3 months working) and the other day I complimented my male colleague in the office. He is constantly afraid that he is breaking the dress code with his bermuda pants.

I finally said, “At least you have nice calves, so you can wear shorts.” He said “Thanks” and we continued chatting for a while (but I did not see him from a monitor). A few minutes later I was leaving the office and said goodbye and he was smiling (we were both smiling), but like he was looking at me differently, with wider opened eyes.

At least he was smiling, so I felt good, but I remembered an awkward situation 10+ years ago with another guy. I often saw that “friend” on a bus station after work and we were commuting a few stations together and talking. One day I wanted to surprise him from the back when I saw him on the station and I kind of pinched his shoulder, just for fun. He turned his head slowly to see who this was and I had a wide smile until I saw he was in total shock. He was looking at me with his eyes wide open (without smiling, very surprised look) not only for this moment but for the next 2 weeks. I just thought that he was overreacting and I felt very uncomfortable. In one moment he even put his hand over mine in the bus, but I pulled it out.

So, this bus guy story does not matter anymore, but I remembered it and wondered what it means when they look at you like that after you do something that may surprise them. I can understand a surprised look for a moment, but not prolonged. I thought that maybe my action surprised them and they thought that was a sign I like them and that they have a chance with me, so they are thinking of using that chance. If that is the case, I really don’t like that sequence. I would prefer a guy to like me first, and not just after he thinks he may have a chance with me.

Ok, this new guy is not a story so far, he will probably look at me again with the same old dull look on Monday, but I just want to know philologically what happens when they start to look at you with wider opened eyes.

[glows]

Generally, as described, it appears more like a look of fear or surprise. I’m not getting any romantic vibes. The colleague may be feeling embarrassed about your bold comment on his calves or feel a bit shy or exposed. 

The bus situation seems different. Did he and you not have any lead up to his traveling hand? No flirting or indication he liked you? He just stared you down like this 👀 saying nothing one day and moved his hand on top of yours? 

Edited September 10, 2023 by glows

[laurastella]

Bus guy – there was no flirting at all. I tried to lead a normal communication with everyday topics, but I was feeling very bad about his staring like I did something awful and I did nothing. I mean, it is not uncommon here where I live to surprise someone from back. That action has absolutely no romantic vibes, it is just like kids joking. He put his hand over mine the next day.

Uff, office guy - that does not sound good. I do not want someone to be afraid or feel overexposed. I had a feeling that he was glad to receive a compliment, but only because people generally like compliments. I understand that commenting on body parts is a very sensitive topic. If I was a guy, I would never compliment a female college that way, but vice versa I thought maybe it was not that bad.

Also, that guy has extreme self-discipline. I usually wear tight clothes and my body looks pretty good, I get a lot of looks on the street. When I’m dressed nicer, or sit a certain way (legs crossed…), I could tell a few times he is trying hard not to look down at my body when talking to me, but it is also just because we are colleagues and that would be inappropriate. 

One day, I even had a feeling he moved his head behind the monitor just not to look at me, but maybe now I am exaggerating.

The other day, a female colleague called me to come for a few minutes to her and I was sitting on the window parallel behind him (it was more behind her). In one moment he turned his head back and the moment he spotted me (my body), he rashly moved his head from me (back to the monitor). I was a little pissed off because of that rash movement. He was probably not aware of me standing there and I could understand that. I translated this rash movement as “Oh, no, she will think I am checking on her and I by any means do not want her to think that because I do not even like her.” That speed was unnecessary because I would just think he was not aware of me standing there and that’s all.

I wanted him to relax a bit and that is also a reason why I said that compliment. Besides, he really has nice calves.

Edited September 10, 2023 by carmenopet

[ExpatInItaly]

I don't think it means anything other than he was suprised by your compliment. 

You seem to mirco-anaylyze his movements and assume they're related to you. Try not to do that. There is every chance you're projecting here and applying  meaning where there isn't any. 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, carmenopet said:

I am new at this job. I finally said, “At least you have nice calves, so you can wear shorts.” 

Sorry this is happening. Please be polite and professional at work.

Unfortunately sexual harassment goes both ways and making inappropriate comments is not a good start to your new job.

Keep in mind the workplace is not a singles club or dating app. 

Why not get a good profile and pics on quality dating apps and start talking to and meeting men? Or go out with friends and mingle with other people in social settings.

[laurastella]

47 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I don't think it means anything other than he was suprised by your compliment. 

Yes, I also think so.

[laurastella]

46 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. Please be polite and professional at work.

Unfortunately sexual harassment goes both ways and making inappropriate comments is not a good start to your new job.

It was not my intent to repeat anything like that.

I just hope he did not receive it THAT bad. When we were saying goodbye, he seemed very happy, smiling and extra-polite. 

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, laurastella said:

I just hope he did not receive it THAT bad. When we were saying goodbye, he seemed very happy, smiling and extra-polite. 

I think it was fine, but don't make such comments again.

It's too risky in the workplace and especialy when you don't really know the other person. They might be uncomfortable if it happens again. 

Edited September 10, 2023 by ExpatInItaly

[laurastella]

Thx, of course, I will not make such comments again.

[laurastella]

5 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

You seem to mirco-anaylyze his movements and assume they're related to you. Try not to do that. There is every chance you're projecting here and applying  meaning where there isn't any. 

I also want to add, If I am projecting everything then also it may be that I am applying meaning at his last look, while there isn’t any meaning. Maybe he was just looking at me “normally”, not thinking anything.

But of course, I am not crazy to make such comments again because we are at the workplace. Once was enough.

Edited September 10, 2023 by laurastella

[Wiseman2]

2 minutes ago, laurastella said:

I also want to add, If I am projecting everything then also it may be that I am applying meaning at his last look, 

It seems like you have a crush on him and hope he is attracted to you. However remarks about nice bodies is not appropriate at work and not really a cool way to get attention or flirt. If you like someone, go to lunch or coffee break together. 

[laurastella]

I do not have a crush on him. I do not even think we would be a good match.

[laurastella]

Wiseman2, now that I see you are so strict,  I am interested, what do you think of touching someone’s shoulder at work?  I am not a tactile person and I never do that. Even outside of work, I do not do that or maybe once in 5-10 years spontaneously without any intention to flirt. 

This is completely not related to this story, but to another, and related to maybe double standards.

I had one female colleague at last work that often touched a male colleague’s shoulder - was puting hand on his shoulder (I do not remember now if she touched anything else but shoulder). She was new in that department and she was in a committed relationship. He was single, they were of the same age (around 30). He was one of the 2 colleagues that were teaching her work. I never thought that she was flirting, and I also thought that nobody thought so. I just thought she was a tactile type of person. OK, maaaybe, she also uses that as a tactic so that people like her better.

 
But I want to say, maybe I am just too naive, but I did not see her behavior to have a flirty vibe. I also do not find my comment to have a flirty vibe (just not appropriate at work). But I would be kind of offended now that my behavior was seen as harassment and hers not. Like double standards. 

[laurastella]

To end this topic … I am an introvert. Some people think I am too reserved or shy (I definitely sometimes look shy). I am always kind and gentle. For the first time in my life, I said something that was on the verge and I got such criticism. I really do not want to feel guilty for what I said or feel that I made some big mistake. Compared to what other people do, I did nothing.