Why am I attracted to the idea of being a mistress?

[1990girl]

First time poster! 

I am 31, F with an avoidant attachment style as said by my therapist. I was in a domestic violence relationship quite young and feel that has played a part. 

I've recently come around to the idea of dating, or even having a fling, again after a long man-free hiatus. Recently I met a man who has been married, but I'm unsure if he still is as he has not been wearing his wedding band. We know each other professionally, with no personal friendship let alone anything else. It is therefore inappropriate of me to ask. I am very attracted to him and would absolutely go there - which leads me to the topic. 

Irrespective of his relationship status, if he made a move I wouldn't say no. Before I am told I'm a horrible person (I know it's unscrupulous and morally wrong if he is in fact still married),  why do I not care? I have no interest in those who want me, I would choose him out of a line of suitors. If the lack of wedding band thing suggests he's separated, even better, but I know that his relationship status is actually irrelevant to my thoughts at the moment. 

I don't want a traditional relationship with anyone, including him. The idea of being a mistress suits me in that I'm constantly feeling attractive, without dealing with the ugly parts of being a girlfriend or wife - like screaming kids, looking tired, not being 'in the mood', arguments about doing the dishes, and all the other things which can make a couple resentful of one another.

A mistress is seen by the other party as where the 'grass is greener' - although it's flawed. 

Is it mainly to do with my attachment style? I plan to explore this more with my therapist, but I'm not seeing her for another 3 weeks so this will do in the meantime

[Wiseman2]

28 minutes ago, 1990girl said:

 I plan to explore this more with my therapist, but I'm not seeing her for another 3 weeks so this will do in the meantime

It seems like you're attracted to this coworker, but he's not interested. You don't have to share a man with someone. You also don't have to live with someone to have a relationship..

There's plenty of other situationships you could explore without the headaches and heartaches of being an occasional random free BNB with benefits for someone whenever he can sneak away from his wife.

In fact he would have to stay at your place because obviously you can't go to his.

So given that he hardly knows you and being a mistress is just as much drugery, open your mind to other situationships  that might be more tailored to your needs.

[Alpacalia]

I think for some the allure of it is being a husband poacher.

By being a mistress, you get the "highs" without the "lows". Plus, being a mistress is sure to make you feel attractive and desirable, which could be very reassuring for someone with an avoidant attachment style.

What I mean by that is if you can lure a man away from another woman you might feel more worthy and valuable than you might have in other relationships as if you have something special that can win someone away from another.

It may have something to do with your attachment style, but it can also be associated with a need for control or power. It's possible that your early experience with domestic violence has made you more vulnerable to this particular experience. On the one hand, it can give you a sense of autonomy over a situation in which you may not otherwise have any, while at the same time, making you feel like you have the dangerous thrill of doing something that is morally wrong. When we do things that we are not 'supposed' to, we can sometimes get a dopamine rush and a surge of adrenaline.

It's OK to feel these attractions, but it's important to take a step back and really consider if it's the right thing for you to do and how an understanding of your attachment style and trauma may be playing into this dynamic. I would encourage you to take some time to really explore these feelings and discuss them with your therapist, once you are able to.

[basil67]

1 hour ago, 1990girl said:

 why do I not care?

My words aren't judging you as my own distant past is chequered.  I've thought about I've figured it comes back to being self centred.   But yeah, what part of us makes us OK with getting our own needs met without being concerned if our actions hurt another person?  Honestly, it's a really poor character trait and this is why I got my act together.

But the question of how one gets to this point is a good one.  And it's a question which I think that many who are in affairs should ask themselves and work through the answer.  

 

[BaileyB]

2 hours ago, 1990girl said:

The idea of being a mistress suits me in that I'm constantly feeling attractive, without dealing with the ugly parts of being a girlfriend or wife - like screaming kids, looking tired, not being 'in the mood', arguments about doing the dishes, and all the other things which can make a couple resentful of one another.

Are you sure about that? Of the stories on this board written by the “mistress,” I don’t remember reading very many posts from truly happy women engaged in affairs. The range of emotions tends to include insecurity, jealousy, loneliness, and unhappiness… Loving a man who has chosen another tends over time to destroy one’s self esteem and confidence. 

You do realize that you can form a healthy relationship with a man, and choose not to have screaming kids or not to fight over doing the dishes. It’s not all or nothing - ie. married does not necessarily = screaming kid and a relationship filled with resentment. 

What’s more, the reality is - every relationship has their own struggles and resentment. You could have an affair with this man and build resentment over the fact that he is always late for your secret rendezvous because he can’t stop working, or he is texting his wife when he should be focused on spending time with you, or he choses to go to his child’s sporting event and is thus unable to see you on your birthday. 

It’s rather naive to think that it will be flowers and rainbows if you have an affair with a married man. It’s rather naive to think that you won’t have conflict, that there won’t be resentment, that he won’t hurt you - because these things exist in virtually every relationship (romantic, committed, or otherwise). 
 

2 hours ago, 1990girl said:

I have no interest in those who want me, I would choose him out of a line of suitors.

As the saying goes, unavailable people tend to chose other unavailable people.

I would go further to say, emotionally healthy people don’t generally chose unhealthy relationships for themselves. 

You have to ask yourself why you think this is the best choice for you?

And you really need to ask yourself why you think it’s ok to seek your own happiness at someone else’s expense? 
 

Edited September 11, 2023 by BaileyB

[BaileyB]

2 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

By being a mistress, you get the "highs" without the "lows".

And yet, affairs are a rollercoaster of highs and lows… People get suckered into the relationship, thinking they are in totally control and they are going to get the highs without the lows… but over time, the attachment grows (because we are all human) and the lows tend to dull whatever high is felt. It seems to me like it becomes a desperate attempt to hold onto the high in a relationship that threatens to pull one under and is almost certainly not ever meant to last…

Edited September 11, 2023 by BaileyB

[Alpacalia]

1 hour ago, BaileyB said:

And yet, affairs are a rollercoaster of highs and lows… People get suckered into the relationship, thinking they are in totally control and they are going to get the highs without the lows… but over time, the attachment grows (because we are all human) and the lows tend to dull whatever high is felt. It seems to me like it becomes a desperate attempt to hold onto the high in a relationship that threatens to pull one under and is almost certainly not ever meant to last…

She's making a conscious choice and is fully aware of the dynamics involved in her unconventional relationship preference...

It's like saying "Don't go on roller coasters! They seem exciting but there are too many dangers" whereas, in a way, that's generally why we WANT to go on them - because of the thrill and excitement.

OP, it doesn't come across as if you're desperately trying to cling to a certain feeling or experience, but rather that you are fully conscious of the risks associated with being in such a position, yet you still feel a strong attraction to it.

If that's what you're inclined towards, that's your choice as an adult. Simply keep in mind the potential repercussions, and be prepared to take responsibility if things don't go as planned.

[1990girl]

3 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

It seems like you're attracted to this coworker, but he's not interested. You don't have to share a man with someone. You also don't have to live with someone to have a relationship..

There's plenty of other situationships you could explore without the headaches and heartaches of being an occasional random free BNB with benefits for someone whenever he can sneak away from his wife.

In fact he would have to stay at your place because obviously you can't go to his.

So given that he hardly knows you and being a mistress is just as much drugery, open your mind to other situationships  that might be more tailored to your needs.

We work in different areas and don't see each other every day, he is very unaware that I find him attractive let alone want something to happen. I understand what you are saying, though all situationships come at the cost of being someone's FNB. I don't care if I am an FNB with anyone as I don't want a relationship. 

I guess I'm in a constant state of wondering if he knew how I felt, if he would act on it. I genuinely do not know if he's still married as he isn't wearing a ring

Edited September 11, 2023 by 1990girl
detail

[Wiseman2]

1 minute ago, 1990girl said:

 I'm in a constant state of wondering if he knew how I felt, if he would act on it

Probably not. Many people don't want messy workplace romances.

[MsJayne]

 It could be to do with your attachment style. Have you ever experienced a feeling of being smitten with someone but when they reciprocate and become lovey-dovey your infatuation turns to revulsion and you can't get away fast enough? You only experience ongoing attraction when the object of your desire is out of reach, (either physically or emotionally)? You've probably already discussed it with your therapist if you're that severely avoidant. As far as feeling that the role of mistress would suit you because of your attachment style, you might get some insight by reading a few of the posts in the affairs forum, there's very few women live happily ever after as the result of an affair, even the ones who go in with their eyes open and low expectations in terms of companionship. It may seem somehow glamorous, your boyfriend only ever sees you at your best, he spends money on you, and you feel highly desirable, as you say, you feel like you're the greener grass. In actual fact what is going on is that you're feeding your low self-esteem, reinforcing the message that you're not good enough for a healthy normal relationship. You say you went through a DV situation, so I have to ask why you would want to be party to the abuse of another woman? Because that's what's going on when you pursue someone else's husband. Not judging, just sayin' . 

[basil67]

53 minutes ago, 1990girl said:

at the cost of being someone's FNB. I don't care if I am an FNB with anyone as I don't want a relationship. 

What's a FNB?   

I suggest you forget about whether or not he wears a ring.   The fact that he may not be married doesn't mean that he isn't committed to someone.

[1990girl]

4 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

I think for some the allure of it is being a husband poacher.

By being a mistress, you get the "highs" without the "lows". Plus, being a mistress is sure to make you feel attractive and desirable, which could be very reassuring for someone with an avoidant attachment style.

What I mean by that is if you can lure a man away from another woman you might feel more worthy and valuable than you might have in other relationships as if you have something special that can win someone away from another.

It may have something to do with your attachment style, but it can also be associated with a need for control or power. It's possible that your early experience with domestic violence has made you more vulnerable to this particular experience. On the one hand, it can give you a sense of autonomy over a situation in which you may not otherwise have any, while at the same time, making you feel like you have the dangerous thrill of doing something that is morally wrong. When we do things that we are not 'supposed' to, we can sometimes get a dopamine rush and a surge of adrenaline.

It's OK to feel these attractions, but it's important to take a step back and really consider if it's the right thing for you to do and how an understanding of your attachment style and trauma may be playing into this dynamic. I would encourage you to take some time to really explore these feelings and discuss them with your therapist, once you are able to.

I think for me that's what it is - the feeling of worthiness that other relationships haven't given me, instead they've magnified to me just how inferior I have felt. As a new woman on the horizon, you feel more desired or wanted.

While I would feel an element of shame, I can admit that I don't think I am strong enough to fight temptation if anything was to happen. I think the mere fact I don't see a ring, despite knowing at one point he was married, is what is putting my brain in overdrive as it's like dangling a steak in front of a lion. 

Also thank you for speaking from a place of understanding and no judgement, I appreciate that.

 

[1990girl]

28 minutes ago, basil67 said:

What's a FNB?   

I suggest you forget about whether or not he wears a ring.   The fact that he may not be married doesn't mean that he isn't committed to someone.

Sorry, FWB* no idea why FNB was written

[1990girl]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Probably not. Many people don't want messy workplace romances.

yep, I definitely see that point

[1990girl]

3 hours ago, BaileyB said:

Are you sure about that? Of the stories on this board written by the “mistress,” I don’t remember reading very many posts from truly happy women engaged in affairs. The range of emotions tends to include insecurity, jealousy, loneliness, and unhappiness… Loving a man who has chosen another tends over time to destroy one’s self esteem and confidence. 

You do realize that you can form a healthy relationship with a man, and choose not to have screaming kids or not to fight over doing the dishes. It’s not all or nothing - ie. married does not necessarily = screaming kid and a relationship filled with resentment. 

What’s more, the reality is - every relationship has their own struggles and resentment. You could have an affair with this man and build resentment over the fact that he is always late for your secret rendezvous because he can’t stop working, or he is texting his wife when he should be focused on spending time with you, or he choses to go to his child’s sporting event and is thus unable to see you on your birthday. 

It’s rather naive to think that it will be flowers and rainbows if you have an affair with a married man. It’s rather naive to think that you won’t have conflict, that there won’t be resentment, that he won’t hurt you - because these things exist in virtually every relationship (romantic, committed, or otherwise). 
 

As the saying goes, unavailable people tend to chose other unavailable people.

I would go further to say, emotionally healthy people don’t generally chose unhealthy relationships for themselves. 

You have to ask yourself why you think this is the best choice for you?

And you really need to ask yourself why you think it’s ok to seek your own happiness at someone else’s expense? 
 

Thanks for your reply. I think it's a loaded thought process for me - while I don't necessarily feel much responsibility for being a mistress other than the obvious fact that it is morally wrong, he's the one who is in a relationship, if in fact he is still married and that he simply doesn't wear his ring anymore. He also may not be a cheater, all of this is just in my head and me just projecting an attraction that I have for him. If he is separated and now single, that would of course be the less messy option. 

I think because I am emotionally unavailable in many ways, although I love to feel attraction (even though in cases like this is isn't linear), I prefer the rollercoaster thrill of unknowns. I think what I also don't know won't hurt me. 

I don't think that it will be all rainbows, if he is married and we had an affair - I already feel envy towards a woman who I don't know is in the picture still. I think I would still feel very attractive and that I'm the "grass is greener" option, even though it's no basis for a relationship. Temporarily, it gets it out of my system.

It's the best choice for me because I simply don't find those who want me to be attractive - the cold hard truth.

[1990girl]

3 hours ago, BaileyB said:

And yet, affairs are a rollercoaster of highs and lows… People get suckered into the relationship, thinking they are in totally control and they are going to get the highs without the lows… but over time, the attachment grows (because we are all human) and the lows tend to dull whatever high is felt. It seems to me like it becomes a desperate attempt to hold onto the high in a relationship that threatens to pull one under and is almost certainly not ever meant to last…

It wouldn't last. I know that if he's married and if anything happened, I wouldn't be able to trust him in a more serious setting. Irrespective of his relationship status at present, I am very much attracted to him solely. I don't want to steal him away from a commitment if there is one, I just have an itch that feels increasingly itchy due to the challenge of it all.

[1990girl]

2 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

She's making a conscious choice and is fully aware of the dynamics involved in her unconventional relationship preference...

It's like saying "Don't go on roller coasters! They seem exciting but there are too many dangers" whereas, in a way, that's generally why we WANT to go on them - because of the thrill and excitement.

OP, it doesn't come across as if you're desperately trying to cling to a certain feeling or experience, but rather that you are fully conscious of the risks associated with being in such a position, yet you still feel a strong attraction to it.

If that's what you're inclined towards, that's your choice as an adult. Simply keep in mind the potential repercussions, and be prepared to take responsibility if things don't go as planned.

Thank you for this ❤️

I'm mostly racking my brain as to if the no wedding ring means he's available. Again it would be easier to simply be attracted to people who I know for sure are available, but I never am.

[1990girl]

54 minutes ago, MsJayne said:

 It could be to do with your attachment style. Have you ever experienced a feeling of being smitten with someone but when they reciprocate and become lovey-dovey your infatuation turns to revulsion and you can't get away fast enough? You only experience ongoing attraction when the object of your desire is out of reach, (either physically or emotionally)? You've probably already discussed it with your therapist if you're that severely avoidant. As far as feeling that the role of mistress would suit you because of your attachment style, you might get some insight by reading a few of the posts in the affairs forum, there's very few women live happily ever after as the result of an affair, even the ones who go in with their eyes open and low expectations in terms of companionship. It may seem somehow glamorous, your boyfriend only ever sees you at your best, he spends money on you, and you feel highly desirable, as you say, you feel like you're the greener grass. In actual fact what is going on is that you're feeding your low self-esteem, reinforcing the message that you're not good enough for a healthy normal relationship. You say you went through a DV situation, so I have to ask why you would want to be party to the abuse of another woman? Because that's what's going on when you pursue someone else's husband. Not judging, just sayin' . 

Yes! With my first serious relationship (not the DV one), I became very turned off when he began turning up the attention. When he started acting a bit more distant and there was more of a push and pull, which then became a situationship before more developed, I was hooked. In the times I have been very attracted, they've been out of reach. Not necessarily in other relationships, but even just vaguely emotionally unavailable. I have discussed it with my therapist and before I told her of all of the online quizzes I did (lol) regarding attachment style, she said that I am an avoidant. I will definitely read some posts on the affairs forum, in a hope that maybe some stories will sober me up. 

Part of what is driving me around the bend in this situation is the not knowing if the lack of wedding ring means that he's separated. It is inappropriate of me to ask, which sounds rich given I have entertained being a mistress. Anyway, he may not even be a cheater even if he is still married. It's just hard to have feelings for someone when they're out of reach, even though my therapist encouraged me to tell him. I couldn't think of anything more mortifying than telling a person how I feel even if I KNOW they are single, let alone if I don't know - opening up floodgates of rejection and embarrassment. 

[ExpatInItaly]

6 hours ago, 1990girl said:

The idea of being a mistress suits me in that I'm constantly feeling attractive, without dealing with the ugly parts

This tells me that you, respectfully, have a very naive idea of what being a mistress is actually like. 

Read more of the threads on this very forum written by mistresses. You're fooling yourself if you think there aren't any ugly parts. There are, and they are incredibly hard to deal with. Go and read some of the threads, and you'll have a better understanding of how hurt these women usually wind up. 

Most OW go into affairs thinking they can handle the emotional detachment of their MM, but very few actually do. Being a mistress comes with many ugly parts. They're different from the ugly parts of being the wife or girlfriend, but they're ugly all the same. 

[ExpatInItaly]

4 minutes ago, 1990girl said:

even though my therapist encouraged me to tell him

Jeez. You need a new therapist. This one is giving you bad advice. 

You have no idea if this man is single, let alone if he's even interested in you. The fact that your therapist is encouraging you to play with fire is very concerning. A decent therapist would not suggest this. 

[basil67]

9 minutes ago, 1990girl said:

I'm mostly racking my brain as to if the no wedding ring means he's available. 

Have you taken leave of your senses? 😲  

 

[1990girl]

28 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

This tells me that you, respectfully, have a very naive idea of what being a mistress is actually like. 

Read more of the threads on this very forum written by mistresses. You're fooling yourself if you think there aren't any ugly parts. There are, and they are incredibly hard to deal with. Go and read some of the threads, and you'll have a better understanding of how hurt these women usually wind up. 

Most OW go into affairs thinking they can handle the emotional detachment of their MM, but very few actually do. Being a mistress comes with many ugly parts. They're different from the ugly parts of being the wife or girlfriend, but they're ugly all the same. 

Oh I meant ugly more in terms of the ugly components of a relationship which can make a person seek greener pastures temporarily. I know full well there are issues mistresses face, like envy/jealousy/resentment/full blown heartache - but I'm also aware that it's all self inflicted.

[1990girl]

27 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Jeez. You need a new therapist. This one is giving you bad advice. 

You have no idea if this man is single, let alone if he's even interested in you. The fact that your therapist is encouraging you to play with fire is very concerning. A decent therapist would not suggest this. 

She meant in context of getting it out of my system and an answer. It's not what I want to do, nor was it the only thing she suggested

[1990girl]

25 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Have you taken leave of your senses? 😲  

 

I lack senses because I'm supposed to assume there is a wedding ring in absence of a physical one?

[JTSW]

Sorry OP but this is messed up.

You don't want a relationship and you don't care if you hurt someone's wife in the process.

This guy has no idea you are attracted to him but you also have no idea if he's interested in you (it sounds like he really isn't).

I know plenty of married men who don't wear their wedding rings for many reasons, skin irritations, working with their hands, or just simply don't feel comfortable wearing a ring.

No ring doesn't necessarily mean the guy is available.

You also have a very skewed idea of relationships in general and this is due to you past.

You view them as tedious hard work but you couldn't be more wrong about that.

It's only hard work if you're with the wrong person, or an abusive person (which you have experienced).

If it's no strings attached fun you want then have a FWB situation with someone single and on board with the arrangement.

Don't hurt an innocent person.