Why am I attracted to the idea of being a mistress?

[S2B]

Have a fling.

but taking someone else’s husband isn’t right.

you may be an emotionally unavailable person - but try to cause the least amount of harm to others - hence not swiping someone’s husband.

[Alpacalia]

Indeed.

Just because you are 'emotionally unavailable' doesn't mean you have to do it at the expense of another person's marriage.

[BaileyB]

32 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

Indeed.

Just because you are 'emotionally unavailable' doesn't mean you have to do it at the expense of another person's marriage.

The simple truth is - there are plenty of single men who would be more than happy to have no-strings-attached sex with a woman. Avoid the complications of an affair and find a single man to have casual sex. 

This man can and should be filed in your “men I have a crush on” but nothing can ever happen because he is otherwise committed category… 

Otherwise, I would hope that you keep going with the counselling because it sounds like you have some serious healing to do…

Edited September 15, 2023 by BaileyB

[Wiseman2]

On 9/10/2023 at 9:36 PM, 1990girl said:

 I was in a domestic violence relationship quite young and feel that has played a part. 

I think you're attracted to the idea of being in a non abusive relationship where you feel safe and respected. Affairs are definitely not that. Neither are flings but both are distant enough to wall yourself off.

[Alpacalia]

1 minute ago, BaileyB said:

What’s more, the thought that you are entitled to pursue a married man because  this relationship is “safe” is a myth. 

Agree.

Or the thought that you are entitled to invade another person's relationship.

Your emotionally availability is for you to work on, not force it on another person. You wanted to know why you're attracted to men that you know are married and my best advice is to focus on yourself and work on your own emotionally availability. That way, you won't feel so tempted to intrude on someone else's relationship.

Of course, people can't always help who they are attracted to. But you can take measures to stop it. You can choose to act on it or not. That is within your control.

Strong sexual attraction is often a matter of desiring novelty and the unknown so you're probably filling in the blanks to create some kind of "mystery" around this person. It's likely that if you take the time to get to know this person, many of the formenting desires and attractions will begin to mellow out. 

While it's tempting to shirk personal responsibility in the face of desire, remember that you can control your behavior, even if you can't control attraction.

Put your energy into improving yourself and growing. Find things, hobbies and relationships that bring you joy and work on being the best version of yourself. Over time, this will help you to stay away from the married men you have been attracted to because you'll have other fulfilling relationships in your life.

[Luna66star]

You may be attracted to the idea of being a mistress.  However once we are in it, the beginning is thrilling.  After the man is tired of you, or too many demands are made, he will back off, act hot and cold, and disappear for longer periods of time.  You will feel ignored, resentful, lonely 🙁 and maybe even angry.  We have been there.  You are alone on holidays, birthdays, valentines.  It will be all about sex for the MM.  The avoidance surely wants their alone time frequently.  As an avoidant myself, I got involved with a MM at work.  Big mistake but he was willing and responded to the green light signals I sent.  He never wore a wedding ring.

Fast forward, after 3 months, he started making excuses not to see me.  I was intimate and became attached in a very unhealthy way.  I obsessed night and day and even lost my job over this joker because I could never sleep.

Please don't entertain this with a MM.  Find a FWB with a single guy not in your office.

 

 

 

 

 

[Lovetorn5]

It’s really hard to stop once you start. I would advise to avoid him. Wish I had someone tell me this in the beginning before I started my affair. Now I am a mess and trying to find myself since he has gone cold on me. He will most likely only use you and then discard you 

[JTSW]

On 9/15/2023 at 12:37 AM, 1990girl said:

I won't be hard done by if I was tossed aside.

You say that now, but It will be a different story once you're actually involved.