My Husband of 10 Years has a 1.5 year old daughter

[Leafeonqueen]

So this is a long and devastating story of my life and honestly I just want to know if anyone as been thru anything similar and can relate. 

I have been with my husband since I was 16… I am currently 29. We had our first son at 17 and our second when I was 24. I’ve always felt like he was the love of my life even despite the mental health issues he and myself have dealt with over the years. During our marriage there had been a time we separated for about 9 months. He was depressed at the time and talking to another woman at work (which was confirmed after) and wasn’t sure he was still in love with me… fast forward there was a lot of bad decisions and hurt feelings during that time. He was having an emotional affair that turned physical and me being hurt started seeing someone when he mentioned the separation. I personally continued a “relationship” with someone ten years older then me while he slept around. Over time we both felt the draw to one another and the love and decided to try to work on our marriage. I know we didn’t do it the correct way (no therapy) and a year later we had our second son and all the promises that were made to me when we got back together we’re all empty at this point. My husband wasn’t supportive during my pregnancy, money and life were hard… our second son was a hard newborn, cried and screamed constantly and I was the only one who could truly handle him without being overwhelmed. I knew we were both depressed at this point and life was just hard….

Well fast forward to my youngest being about 9-10 months old he started messaging a friend at work…. The way they talked was overly friendly and obsessive. I asked him multiple times if something was there and it was all denial. I tried my best to push down the trauma of him having a friend at work from the last affair he had. Well yay me a few weeks later this girls boyfriend of the time reached out saying he thought my husband was [having sex with] his girlfriend and swore he saw naked pictures of him on her phone. At this point I was heart broken and consulted a friend and tried to actually reach out to this woman… she ignored me, hung up and blocked me. She wouldn’t speak to me!!! I confronted my husband in a panic and basically said I was done, he assured me it was all lies and at the time did a great job making it seem like I was crazy and this guy was just jealous and assured me they were only friends and he wouldn’t continue to talk with her outside of work. Well years went by and on and off I’d see them sometimes talk and I’d be upset… he’d say it was work related because he was her manager type of deal. 

I believed it to a point but at the back of my mind I felt something didn’t make sense. He stopped trying to get intimate with me and just was constantly distant. He had a problem hiding away smoking pot to just not be around me and the kids most weekends. 

Things with this situation got worse when I actually got a job at his work. The girl that he had been talking to on and off for years was pregnant when I worked there. I didn’t think too much of it until she never made eye contact with me. Weeks went by and rumors started circling to me saying my husband was the dad… but how could that be? In my mind how did he have time to have at this point a three year long affair that would amount to a pregnancy? No one who brought these rumors to me could provide any proof… and my husband denied everything always, the woman wouldn’t talk to me.. 

Finally I had another person reach out this December with the same allegations and were truly so sincere with just feeling so guilty I didn’t know… I pushed for answers, I knew things with us hadn’t been the best… 

I confronted him again and the truth finally started to unravel. He told me it was a “one time thing at first” a drunken mistake. That he didn’t think this baby was his but it could be possibly and the guilt ate him alive and he didn’t know how to live with himself. 

Over the course of a week the full truth came out. They had been seeing one another on and off for years under my nose. While I was at home with the kids and working he was [having sex with] her every week basically after work. Having this [messed] up relationship that was she told me was love. He lied to me so much the more there truth came out it felt like being hit in the heart all over again. This woman had love notes in his hand writing on her Facebook, had cryptic posts and videos about him on her s*** for years… I never knew because she had blocked me. I finally spoke with her, she told me her side and how the baby was his. She told me he said he wasn’t happy and was going to leave for years. That he wasn’t “sexually attracted” to me but still said I was pretty (laughable I know). 

I regrettably asked for all the sexual details and apparently she was more willing to do certain things than I was. 

The worst part was he had surgery this December, I was there for him thru everything… helped him and sobbed when I thought I lost him during a seizure where I held his seizing naked body in the shower calling 911 thinking I was going to loose the love of my life… my soul mate… and not even a month after this he saw her and [they had sex on] Valentine’s Day. I never even got a present for Valentine’s Day… 

I started finding out the full truth this March of 2023 and here I am today.. trying to see if it will work because I love him, but seeing how I am so manipulated and hurt daily. He promises me he would never again… and his reasoning was because of mental illness and childhood abuse and trauma he never dealt with. 

But I can’t trust him, we’re currently getting this child weekly…. I’m trying to be a good person and be there because this poor baby has been s*** on just as much as I have by her parents. It’s hard wanting to be good and do the “right thing” for my sons and try to figure out how life is going to work now that they have a sister who isn’t their mothers. I’ve talked pretty openly the best I can with my oldest (the best I can with my youngest but he just doesn’t understand). 
I worry I am setting a bad example for my sons, I’m worried I’m so trauma bonded to my husband I don’t know if I’ll ever fully see my worth and know when I can’t forgive and give myself the grace to heal. I’m scared if I did leave he’d try to kill himself and I’d miss him forever.

I feel so hurt and broken…. 

We had a family vacation this august and found myself pregnant three weeks ago. When I say this year has been the worst of my life I can’t even begin to describe the level of pain. I had always wanted a third baby… but given everything and lack of support the last time…. and his lack of connection with our youngest at first driving him away partially causing the affair ( so he says atleast ) I was terrified it would just be him running off again and me being in a marriage all alone… I am not the best of financially or mentally ( tho I started meds and some therapy I have along way to go ) I decided abortion was my only choice.  I felt he took the choice away when he decided to start an affair three and a half years ago. I know if I kept it, I wouldn’t be offering it a good start to life and it would be selfish. Even knowing all of this information tho I feel so heart broken, that I made the worst mistake of my life. My husband wasn’t supportive at all and I even had medical complications after the procedure causing me to fall and black out hitting my head…. Didn’t seem like he cared, couldn’t do much at home for me, didn’t check if I needed anything during this hurtful, painful process… it was just me back to regular schedule after everything the next day. 

I lost the version of my husband I thought I was married to, I lost the idea I met my soul mate in high school, I lost the trust and comfort, I lost my baby.. the possible chance of my own daughter….. and worst of all I lost myself. I can barely recognize the person I am anymore. 

I have no idea what to do, how to feel. I feel like I disassociate a lot to make sure my kids are taken care of… because if mom doesn’t work, clean, keep up with the kids appointments and needs and hold everything down who will…. But I’m so broken, I’m drowning, this abortion has put me to edge where I am having suicidal thoughts. I know I never would because I love my kids and they need me… but please dear god please someone somewhere knows something similar to this pain. I feel like I am living in a hell I can’t wake up from… 
I know this is alot, and I barely covered the basics. I just need someone who has been thru something similar to respond please. 

Edited September 11, 2023 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[JTSW]

8 hours ago, Leafeonqueen said:

I can barely recognize the person I am anymore. 

 

8 hours ago, Leafeonqueen said:

I feel like I am living in a hell I can’t wake up from… 

And this is how it will always be if you insist on being in this car crash of a marriage.

Your kids will pick up on things and also be greatly affected by it in the long run.

I know a man in my office who is like this, he was married but engaged in an affair with another married colleague, but also claimed he did this with many other women in other places he worked.

I can guarantee that there are ALLOT more women than you know of, and there still is.

If you want to improve your mental health, leave this marriage and seek therapy to find out why you are so attached to a serial cheating piece of crap.

It's on you now to get your life back and it's not going to happen while you stay married to him.

[d0nnivain]

My heart breaks for you.  If you are not already in therapy, start.  You have a LOT to deal with.  Stop trying to shoulder it alone 

 

You are only 29.  You have plenty of time to start fresh once your marriage officially ends.  It's been over for a long time & highly dysfunctional.  You can do this.  You have to do this for the kids.  Hang in there.  One foot in front of the other.  Surround yourself with supportive friends and family.  {{hugs}}

[IrinaM]

Find some counseling somehow. I'm not trying to make this a political or religious conversation about abortion- but- abortion grief is a thing and you should find someone to talk to about this.

Also, in regards to your marriage, I think you already see the writing on the wall and know what you need to do. Start making plans, just small steps in the right direction.

[BaileyB]

On 9/10/2023 at 9:22 PM, Leafeonqueen said:

I started finding out the full truth this March of 2023 and here I am today.. trying to see if it will work because I love him

I’m so sorry for the pain and the loss of your child.

For your own mental health, you need to let this relationship go. He has lied to you and disrespected you for years! Love means nothing when there is no trust or respect. 

I hope that you have a counsellor. If you don’t, I would definitely advise you to find a good counsellor. I would also suggest that you look for a new job - I would not want to work with my ex-husband and his affair partner.

[BaileyB]

Either you leave the employer, or you tell HR and they will walk him to the door - it’s not ok for a manager to have sex with his subordinate. But personally, I think you need a fresh start. It will be hard - find your support system of a counselling, friends, family if you have them - but you may be surprised at just how much better it feels not to have this kind of stress in your life anymore…

That said, I would suggest that you challenge the belief that you have that this man is your one true love, your soul mate. You’ve said it several times - you are holding on despite the pain because you believe he is your soul mate. First, that is a romanticized notion that doesn’t really exist - there are lots of wonderful, kind, and loving men out there with whom you could be very compatible and you could have a happy relationship. But more importantly, love doesn’t hurt like this. I’m sorry, with kindness, he may “love” you, but that’s just a word. His actions are very unloving. I know, you want to justify this because he has mental health issues and there has been lots of stress in your life, but that doesn’t excuse the pain he has caused you. This is a very unhealthy relationship for you and I strongly suggest that you seek support to begin planning your exit. 

Edited September 12, 2023 by BaileyB