Location sharing

[Shallen]

I'm just curious on couple thoughts on location sharing. I think it's normal and common and used for practical, safety and convenience. My other half on the other hand does not like it. Says feels like I am tracking him down and paints me like I have trust and control issues. 
and the fact that he's not OK with it alone makes me feel like there's something shady going on. I'm not OK with the fact that he doesn't share his location with me and makes me feel like it's a problem. 

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately it seems like there's problems in your relationship, that won't be fixed with devices.

It may be ok to use on children or persons on house arrest wearing an ankle monitor, but when used as a policing device in a relationship, there's a lot more problems than an app could possibly resolve.

If he wants to cheat, a tracking device won't stop him. You don't seem to trust him perhaps for good reason, but an electronic leash isn't going to improve your relationship.

Edited September 11, 2023 by Wiseman2

[Alpacalia]

I can understand why your partner feels uncomfortable with location sharing - the idea of someone constantly tracking your location can seem intimidating and intrusive. It could potentially lead to a feeling of being 'controlled' or 'tracked'.

At the same time, I can understand why you would want to know your partner's whereabouts for safety or convenience - if, for example, you were running late and wanted to know where your partner was. But something tells me that the problem isn't really about location sharing - it's more about trust.

If your partner isn't willing to share his location with you, it could lead you to feel like something shady is going on. But then, why would you ever think something shady is going on in the first place? If you trust your partner and your relationship, there should be no reason to feel that way.

You feel that something is off otherwise you wouldn't be questioning it.

[Shallen]

Well  there's definitely reasons but that's not why I'm using it. I'm not using it to track him. I generally use it to see if he is still at work so I can figure out what time he's gonna be home or sometimes I don't need to speak with him I just need to know, how close he is to being home usually because company or dinner planning, things of that nature. I just think it's also a safety net in general. I would think it's safe to say every couple I know has each other's locations and neither of them have a problem with it and my concern is more so that he keeps turning it off and that he has a problem with it. More so when he knows that there's already issues from him cheating in the past, so I just feel like he's hiding something. I don't understand the problem of me, knowing his location if he's where he says he is. I'm trying to keep the past in the past but yes him turning off his location has me very concerned and it's causing trust issues.

 

Edited September 11, 2023 by Shallen

[Wiseman2]

9 minutes ago, Shallen said:

. I'm not using it to track him. he knows that there's already issues from him cheating in the past.

Unfortunately you have reasons not to trust him. However please be honest with yourself. You are tracking him, not using it as a guide for when dinner is ready. 

 How long have you been together? Have you been to couples therapy? Are you married? Living together? 

Is his affair really over?  Hopefully you realize he can cheat again even with that app. Who suggested this?

Because if location apps really prevented cheating, no one would have affairs and we know that's not the case.

Unfortunately you may be paying attention to the wrong things in your relationship. 

You do understand why it's bothersome because people have the right to privacy for this reason. No one wants to be monitored like a prisoner or have their privacy invaded.

Edited September 11, 2023 by Wiseman2

[Alpacalia]

If he cheated on you in the past then this is a valid concern and if he keeps turning location sharing off then it could definitely raise red flags. But you are in a difficult situation because if he cheated and you chose to forgive him then you have to start with a clean slate and trust him, so if he keeps turning off location sharing then this could be indicative of a lack of trust on either side. It could simply be that he has a different opinion about sharing locations and doesn't believe it is necessary, which need not be taken as a lack of trust in the relationship.

That is so hard for most people to do in your situation (re-establish complete trust) and most people cannot move past their distrust. The fact that your partner has had issues with cheating in the past and turns off location sharing services is bound to make you suspicious.

[Shallen]

You are absolutely correct. I prefer "checking on" him than monitoring. Lol but yes when he calls and says he's 30 minutes away and says he's on his way home and it's been two hours and he doesn't answer his phone....Yeah I'd like to be able to check his location. Having it on 100% made me feel better, when he turns it off it makes me crazy. With that being said, he knows this, so I thought its the least he can do to reassure me after what he put me through.

[Wiseman2]

9 minutes ago, Shallen said:

 says he's 30 minutes away and says he's on his way home and it's been two hours and he doesn't answer his phone... I thought its the least he can do to reassure me after what he put me through.

If this is going on, why not reconsider the relationship? You haven't forgiven him or trust him perhaps rightfully so. 

[Shallen]

Yeah, that's pretty much what my thoughts are. I guess now that it's getting a little deeper into it. I should clarify that when I decided I would give him another chance it was his idea to have his location on at all times, it's just recently that it's been turned off and we were together  for 4 years on and off due to his inability to make up his mind and settle down. He's been back almost  2 years and I wholeheartedly believed (as he said) that he came back ready to make a commitment and sure of what he wanted. I forgave him. I want to trust him but I cannot forget the lies and deception that came so easily that he is capable of. So I guess no I don't completely trust him. I don't think I'll ever completely trust any man even if I don't think they're actively doing anything I'd be a liar if I said that I wouldn't put it past them or be surprised if I found out otherwise. 

[Wiseman2]

8 minutes ago, Shallen said:

 we were together  for 4 years on and off due to his inability to make up his mind and settle down. 

Unfortunately the fact that it's on/off is a red flag, he cheats and that's a deal breakers for a lot of people, so unfortunately you're trying to "make it work". It seems like he agreed to assuage you, temporarily. 

What do you mean by "inability to make up his mind and settle down"? Was he with someone else the times you were "off", or simply back and forth between you and someone else?

Since he's still not reliable or accountable please reflect how long you want to live in fear of repeated heartaches and play this cat and mouse game.

 

Edited September 11, 2023 by Wiseman2

[JTSW]

6 hours ago, Shallen said:

I'm not using it to track him.

You are, even if you don't believe that yourself.

You have a need to know where he is and I'm guessing he has done something in the past to make you feel insecure.

If you want to know how long until he gets home from work then txt him and ask.

To me, couples that want to see where the other is at all times has big trust issues.

 

Edited September 11, 2023 by JTSW

[basil67]

7 hours ago, Shallen said:

but yes when he calls and says he's 30 minutes away and says he's on his way home and it's been two hours and he doesn't answer his phone....

We have location sharing with me, husband and two kids.  It's really lovely to walk in the door and find a hot cup of tea waiting for me.  Or to be able to plan dinners.  And yes, safety stuff if one of us is out late.  Our daughter is mid 20's, no longer lives at home and still hasn't turned tracking off!  There's no parking where she lives, so runs down from her apartment and be ready for me if she tracks me arriving.   

Your case is different though.  It's not a big ask of a person who's marriage is already fragile due to their cheating. If they are genuine remorseful, it's the least they can do.   But what you wrote above about how he disappears for a couple of hours and doesn't answer his phone tells me that he's still up to no good in one form or another.   Tracking or no tracking, it's not cool to say that you're 30 mins away and turn up much later, without advising a change of plans or taking your call. 

 

[Els]

I'm married to my partner of 15 years and we don't use this. It would be a huge red flag for me if a partner insisted on tracking me at all times, frankly. It's not the effects that I'm afraid of (I have nothing to hide), it's about the intent. It's about my concern of what sort of person would feel like they are entitled to tracking me at all times, like a dog with a microchip or a suitcase with an AirTag. If I offer it, it's completely fine - if they insist, it's an entirely different story. I have turned on location tracking at times when I was traveling alone in a foreign country or if I was in a situation where I felt like I needed the extra security - I wanted him to be able to track me and notify the authorities if something happened to me. But to me that is different than your situation, because it was voluntary and temporary.

In your situation, I understand that you are worried due to his history of cheating, but honestly how is it even going to help? Do you realize how easy it is for someone to spoof their GPS location, if they wanted to? Even if they're not particularly tech savvy, they can just download an app to do it for them. IMO if you are at a point where you feel like you NEED this in order to feel secure in your relationship, then the relationship is already lost. Why prolong the angst and the worry about him cheating again? Just leave if you don't trust him.

[ShyViolet]

23 hours ago, Shallen said:

I'm not using it to track him. 

Yes, you are.  

You are not being honest with yourself here.

23 hours ago, Shallen said:

I generally use it to see if he is still at work so I can figure out what time he's gonna be home or sometimes I don't need to speak with him I just need to know, how close he is to being home usually because company or dinner planning, things of that nature. I just think it's also a safety net in general.

Normal people use texting for these purposes.  It takes all of 10 seconds to send a simple text saying, "did you leave work yet?"  There is no reason that you should need to track his location at all times.  

22 hours ago, Shallen said:

 I want to trust him but I cannot forget the lies and deception that came so easily that he is capable of. So I guess no I don't completely trust him. 

Well now we get to the real truth.  If you feel that you cannot trust this man, and that you need to track his location with his phone at all times, then you should not be in this relationship.  It is not healthy behavior to feel the need to track your partner's location at all times as if there is a GPS tracker on them.  Sorry but you are being controlling and insecure, and if you feel the need to do that because of his past cheating, then you shouldn't have taken him back in the first place.  That was a mistake.

[NuevoYorko]

23 hours ago, Shallen said:

Yeah, that's pretty much what my thoughts are. I guess now that it's getting a little deeper into it. I should clarify that when I decided I would give him another chance it was his idea to have his location on at all times, it's just recently that it's been turned off 

I think you should have mentioned this in your first post.   

Personally I would not like the idea of being with a person who wanted or needed to know where I was at any given moment.  I have nothing to hide.  I just do not like the idea of being tracked by anyone, even my beloved.

In your case, however, it seems to be a term of your reconciliation after he cheated.  It's meaningful that he volunteered to submit to this and then unilaterally turned it off.  I would be pretty wary if I were in your shoes. 

[d0nnivain]

I would not want location sharing on as a general proposition.  If my SO suggested it I would feel smothered & like he had no trust. 

You initially claimed you wanted it on so you could know when to start dinner.  That seemed lame to me.  My husband follows a regular schedule.  When he was commuting every day, I could predict within 15 minutes when he'd walk through the door.  If he was going to do something on his way home from work he'd tell me in advance.  My schedule has always been more unpredictable so I would call on my way.  

Then the truth comes out.  There was infidelity in the past.  He suggested that location sharing be activated as part of transparency.  Now, he's balking at that idea & behaving erratically.  Under those particular circumstances you have to assume he's back to his old ways & up to no good.  You clearly don't trust him with good reason.  Technology can't fix what is fundamentally wrong in your relationship.