Female flirts with my boyfriend

[CerebralBabe]

Female who encouraged me to get together with my now boyfriend won't stop flirting with him. 

Edited September 16, 2023 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
clarify

[d0nnivain]

Have you asked her to stop & told her you don't like it?   If you have & she hasn't stopped she's not a great friend.  

 

Does BF flirt back?  If not, he's a good guy.  

[CerebralBabe]

First post here n don't know how to edit, waiting to hear from admins on that. Didn't know the intro was going to automatically post before I could add details. So here they are; a person who was friends with my boyfriend before he and I met and later became a friend to me, encouraged me to give him a chance as he was very interested in me. Relevant to mention that she's a person who makes lots of sexual innuendo when men are around and had a flirtatious but platonic relationship with my boyfriend. It was like a comedy routine with them and none of it bothered me when he and I first became an item. He even asked if it bothered me that she kissed him on the lips hello n I told him it didn't since it was part of their "shtick," until I noticed that after a few weeks when we were in our usual social setting she'd do her hello hugs, n kiss him on the lips and start talking to him without even acknowledging that I was sitting right next to him. Once I said hey how are ya, she'd turn to me and I'd get a hello but not even a hug (which she used to do in the past.) I revisited this topic with BF n told him why this was now a red flag for me. Said she probably doesn't even realize shes doing it, which doesn't make it any better in my book. I asked him to deal with it, as in setting new parameters for their friendship. He started by giving her his cheek when she'd go to kiss him. Even a guy said to my boyfriend her attempts to kiss him on the lips were disrespectful to me. In my mind she stopped being my friend the day she did her hello routine while I was again sitting next to BF, and when he gave her his cheek she grabbed his face with 2 hands, planted a kiss on his lips and said,  "Oh stop it, " and again didn't acknowledge my presence until I said hey ____, how are ya, with the usual oh hi ____. After that BF and I agreed he had to have a blunt talk with her. Next time I saw her she apologized to me n said she didn't want to do anything to come between us, i hadn't planned to bring it up but since she did I bluntly told her I thought she was having second thoughts about suggesting him to me and that she was now having regrets and trying to go for him. She was always chatting him up saying how good-looking and what a catch and nice guy he is, so obviously she saw/sees him as attractive. I initially felt good after the conversation but her communication and reaching out to hang out with me stopped, but not with him. When BF n I were together last few times this female didn't even give him  a hello hug which I thought was odd but  BF recently told me that she will give him a big hug now (full body to body) when she sees him when I'm not there. This is yet another red flag for me as now she's probably thinking she gets her feels in and has her little secret with him. Absolutely not cool that she acts distant with him when I'm present and doesn't engage in friendly banter with either of us like she did in the past as mutual friends. My gut is telling me her intentions are truly not good. I know my BF isn't attracted to her, which is why nothing ever happened with them, but he may enjoy the attention. My issue is that she's being disrespectful to me by continuing to "push up" on him, and thinking she has me fooled by not going near him when I'm around. I appreciate my BF telling me, it was very ordinary to him so he didn't pick up on the shady behavior until I pointed it out. I have told him that allowing this nonsense, now that he's aware of it, is a deal breaker for me. I'm a person that guards the energy I share with my partner by not sending signals to guys that they can approach me as if im available. I don't want to share my partner's energy or have to deal with others' attempts to tap into it. I'm relying on him to shut that behavior down, especially having felt a vibe of contempt from her now that she sees us in a good groove together. Have any of you been in this situation and how do/did you deal? 

[Wiseman2]

11 minutes ago, CerebralBabe said:

A person who was friends with my boyfriend before he and I met and later became a friend to me, encouraged me to give him a chance as he was very interested in me. 

How long have you been dating? How long have you been friends with her? How old is he?

Why did she have to convince you to "give him a chance"? What's her interest in fixing you up, when she's got the hots for him? 

Unfortunately three is a crowd and only your friend and BF are benefitting from this ego tripping and unfortunately at your expense. It's not worth a catfight over a guy like this, just to swell his head. 

It's sad that you even have to spell this out to either of them. 

[CerebralBabe]

I have no intention of cat fighting, which is why I asked my guy to handle it. Now that I was recently made aware if this new twist, as I wrote, it's on the BF to squash it.  If not, I'm done. The relationship is still fairly new, so this situation is an opportunity for me to see how it gets handled .  Could strengthen or break the relationship.

Edited September 11, 2023 by CerebralBabe
Clarification

[basil67]

It's clear that she's not going to change her behaviour, so it's up to your boyfriend to change his.  Frankly, I think that he should have already cut her off for disrespecting your relationship...but the fact that he hasn't already done so suggests that perhaps he secretly enjoys it.  

You say the relationship is fairly new, so I'm not sure why you're giving him all these chances to fix it.  It's great to work on problems in long established relationships, but when they are new, you've gotta learn to spot the red flags and have the self respect to cut and run.

Edited September 11, 2023 by basil67

[CerebralBabe]

13 minutes ago, basil67 said:

It's clear that she's not going to change her behaviour, so it's up to your boyfriend to change his.  Frankly, I think that he should have already cut her off for disrespecting your relationship...but the fact that he hasn't already done so suggests that perhaps he secretly enjoys it.  

You say the relationship is fairly new, so I'm not sure why you're giving him all these chances to fix it.  It's great to work on problems in long established relationships, but when they are new, you've gotta learn to spot the red flags and have the self respect to cut and run.

See my comment above. 

[Wiseman2]

31 minutes ago, CerebralBabe said:

, it's on the BF to squash it.  If not, I'm done. The relationship is still fairly new, so this situation is an opportunity for me to see how it gets handled .  

It's good you're stepping back and reflecting. It seems off to a bad start with a lot of drama and sadly having to explain that he's inappropriate with her. 

Unfortunately drama rarely strengthens relationships. If anything there's a lot of intensity and having her hanging around him, almost makes him seem like a prize, which of course may not be the case.

Maybe he'll behave in front of you but it's unclear why you would want this three-way mess in your life.

[CerebralBabe]

There are more positive aspects to this relationship than negative, so I'm not going to be hasty about walking away. Surprised that the comments so far haven't actually included whether they've been in a similar situation, which is part of what I asked, but it's apparent how they would handle it. Responses are coming across judgmental as if I should've walked away already, without knowing all the good things worth hanging in there for a bit longer. 

To be clear, BF n this female aren't in regular contact or hanging out one on one. It's not a triangle, we always see each other in a  group setting. It's easy to misinterpret the level of "drama" by only having a finite amount of details.

Sheesh. 

Edited September 11, 2023 by CerebralBabe

[d0nnivain]

She's just a flirty person.  Chill.  

 

Paragraphs are your friends.  Use them.  It will be easier to help you if we can read.  It's tough to read a wall of text.  

[ExpatInItaly]

5 hours ago, CerebralBabe said:

it was very ordinary to him so he didn't pick up on the shady behavior until I pointed it out.

Bullcrap. 

Your boyfriend knows what's up. He's not as clueless as he's pretending to be, so please don't pin this all on her. She's no friend of yours, to be clear, but your boyfriend is part of the problem. It is up to him to enforce a boundary with her, and he doesn't do that, well, you need to be worried. 

5 hours ago, CerebralBabe said:

Have any of you been in this situation and how do/did you deal? 

Nope. I don't know any women who behave like this and go around kissing other women's boyfriends on the lips to say hello.  This chick is a special kind of trouble. 

Edited September 12, 2023 by ExpatInItaly

[MsJayne]

I haven't had a female friend go as far as kissing my partner, but have had one who was an outrageous flirt and it used to really get up my nose when she'd fawn all over my boyfriend. Way too touchy-feely. Lots of giggling and shaking of the boobies in his general face zone. She carried on like that with any good-looking guy though, so it wasn't as bad as your situation where it sounds like she's trying to undermine you by only doing her stomach-turning ritual when you're not there, attempting to have a secret with your guy where you're cast as The Fun Police. And then there's all the ignoring of you, etc. She's jealous as Hell, and you were correct when you said you thought she regretted encouraging you to date him. The last thing she thought would happen was that you would actually really like each other and become an item. My take is that you need to cut her loose completely, and let your guy know that you're uncomfortable with him encouraging her by not shutting her idiotic behaviour down. Fair play to him, it's difficult to tell someone to stop doing something after you've let them go for too long and he probably doesn't want to hurt her feelings, but this girl really needs a rude awakening. He's hurting your feelings by encouraging it. She's possibly just socially immature if she's young, but if she's past her early teens she's just toxic and he might be well rid of her as well. 

[JTSW]

They only way this completely stops is if he completely cuts her out.

Her behaviour was disgusting and highly inappropriate and it became a very deliberate thing to annoy you.

She only apologised because he told her to and she didn't want to stop seeing him.

She wants him, pure and simple.

Yes, he likes her attention but he's also very open and honest with you which is good. 

[Alpacalia]

You need better friends and a new boyfriend.

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, Alpacalia said:

You need better friends and a new boyfriend.

Also what I was going to say. 

Shebis going to continue to flirt whether you like it or not. And, if he does not enforce boundaries with other women… the only solution left to you is to remove yourself from the situation. 

Edited September 12, 2023 by BaileyB