zouzd Posted September 12, 2023 Share Posted September 12, 2023 I am curious to know if many survived a long term marriage (20+ years) with minor scars... Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted September 12, 2023 Share Posted September 12, 2023 13 minutes ago, zouzd said: I am curious to know if many survived a long term marriage (20+ years) with minor scars... Have you two considered marriage therapy? There seems to be long standing problems: 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted September 12, 2023 Share Posted September 12, 2023 (edited) My parents have been together for over 40 years and they still seem happy and in love. Husband and I are at 15 years currently, and we are very happy. I certainly wouldn't describe it as "surviving" - almost every single day is a joy. I also know friends who've been together for over 20 years who are still happy. You've made a lot of posts about your marriage. At this point, I'm not sure what anyone can tell you. I could certainly make some partial guesses as to the reason why your marriage is in such dire straits, just based on your past posts alone, however I imagine you'd get defensive and that would be counterproductive. So, you should talk to a counselor (couples' counselor if your wife agrees to join you, individual if she does not), and be open-minded towards their suggestions on things that you can do to turn it around. Edited September 12, 2023 by Els 1 Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted September 12, 2023 Share Posted September 12, 2023 Yes, I know many marriages that look healthy with minor and major scars. what are you willing to change to get to a better place within your marriage? if you feel you can’t - are you willing to divorce? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
central Posted September 12, 2023 Share Posted September 12, 2023 My first marriage left me with scars and trust issues; when they accumulated to be too much, I divorced her after 24 years. It took a lot of time and sincere effort from my second wife to heal those issues; 23 years later, and it's all great. Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted September 12, 2023 Share Posted September 12, 2023 Yes, I'm one of these. Among other things: A healthy level of tolerance and respect for your partners' differences. Accepting that there are some things you may not like that much about them, even though overall you do love them. Allowing them the freedom to do things that make them happy while asking for the same from them. Recognition that you are both moving targets and will slowly (and occasionally rapidly) change over time, and those changes will require some adjustments. Having each other's backs when the chips are down. Taking a higher and broader perspective on the issues of the moment. Mutually returning to "mend" when rifts such as arguments have occurred. Compromising when necessary, while ensuring that both your needs are met to a reasonable extent. Overall any relationship is a choice that both partners make to remain in it. Recognizing that and acting according is not a guarantee of success but is at least helpful as it reminds you to check whether you are (sometimes even inadvertently) "pushing your partner away" and correct course if needed, as well as to recognize when your partner is doing it and (hopefully respectfully) communicate with them so they can rein themselves in as well. Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted September 12, 2023 Share Posted September 12, 2023 I should probably add - respecting that there are times when they are preoccupied and can't give you the attention you'd like, and respecting their space (so long as this does not become a "semi-permanent" condition). Link to post Share on other sites
JTSW Posted September 14, 2023 Share Posted September 14, 2023 My husband and I have been together 20 plus years, Married for 10 nearly 11 years. I always maintain that communication is key in relationships. Link to post Share on other sites
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