Singles event strategy. should I interrupt or just stand there by myself?

[max3732]

There was a 2 hour window where people would come and go and there was no structured activities or introductions like with speed dating or other events I'd been to before. I think I did ok in the beginning, but then didn't know to do and just left. So I'm curious what do in an event like this if I go to another one.

When I got there I walked around and didn't see anyone I was interested in, but decided to try talking to someone sitting by herself and think the conversation with her went well, but she wasn't my type due to several deal breakers. Then I excused myself and found a larger table and struck up a conversation with another woman, who was very nice, but also not what I'm looking for. We talked about 15 minutes and then she left. 

Here's where I ran into trouble

The woman next to me had her chair turned at an angle facing her friend (I saw them come in together) and there was a guy sitting opposite the friend. I looked around and everyone else in the small restaurant was talking to someone. So I figured with 2 of them (plus the guy there) maybe we could have a group conversation or I could at least talk to one of them. I got the attention of the one next to me and she said she was rather abrupt and said preferred speaking Spanish (which I don't speak) and gave very short answers. I tried to get any kind of conversation going and asked her how she knew her friend and she said something like "if you want to know about my friend talk to her"). 

I found that comment and the fact she had her back turned away from whoever came and sat in my chair and didn't move it at all when I tried talking to her rather rude and got up after that. I looked around and there were tables for 2 taken, 1 large table on the other side all filled and then people sitting at the bar talking and I didn't see anyone I was interested in and was thinking even if I did I wouldn't know how to interrupt or get involved in a conversation with them so I just left.

Did I do something wrong in trying to talk to that last one? In the future if I did see someone that looks like my type (on the surface) in a bar type setting already talking to another guy how do you get into a conversation? Or should I just stand there and wait for a woman to be by herself? 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, max3732 said:

 I figured with 2 of them maybe we could have a group conversation or I could at least talk to one of them. I got the attention of the one next to me and she said she was rather abrupt and said preferred speaking Spanish.

It's great you're going to these single events and mingling. Please try to read the room and discontinue joining in or interrupting and simply wait for an opening to start conversations.

Try to converse with random people there rather than only  walking up to the attractive ones, especially when they're clearly not interested. Is this the same type of event as this one?:

 

[max3732]

17 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

It's great you're going to these single events and mingling. Please try to read the room and discontinue joining in or interrupting and simply wait for an opening to start conversations.

Try to converse with random people there rather than only  walking up to the attractive ones, especially when they're clearly not interested. Is this the same type of event as this one?:

 

Yes. The same kind of event. I thought I was doing better in this one until I faced the woman who was clearly not interested. After I figured out she wasn't interested I still wanted to try to talk to her friend, but she was talking to this other guy and the rude friend for a long time. Like 45 minutes. 

At the last event when there were tables with multiple people there were some group conversations (2 men and 2 women) and I thought I could get something like that going again here. 

As cringy as speed dating can be I vastly prefer that where you get to talk to everyone and all the people are there at the same time vs. this where it's just a free for all with no MC or anything. I also really liked this other event where you were doing an activity like golf or a cooking class, but there's none in my area anymore.

That woman I connected with before moved away and we've been video talking several times a week and she just let me know she's going to stay where she is and not move back so I'm back to being alone. Maybe I had more confidence to start since I'd been talking to an attractive woman I really liked for so long, but I was disappointed I couldn't find anyone remotely similar to her at this event. 

The other thing I noticed is that 1st woman I talked to sat by herself the entire rest of the evening after I got up from the table. She wasn't bad looking or anything so I don't really understand how people operate at these things.

[Alpacalia]

Instead of rushing in, just take a second to watch the scene and wait for a better moment to hop into the conversation. Don't just stand around twiddling your thumbs, though, 'cause that won't get you far in this kind of situation. If you spot someone you want to chat with who's already deep in convo, just be chill and slide in smoothly. Avoid being all nosy or pushy; that's a buzzkill.

Instead, try starting with some light chit-chat questions with the group. Then, ease into a couple of topics that everybody's into. It'll break the ice and even help you rejoin the conversation if you had to bail earlier. And remember, not everyone's gonna be in the mood to chat, so if someone seems uninterested, don't sweat it.

Move on with a shrug and a smile.

Edited September 13, 2023 by Alpacalia

[MsJayne]

Hmm, I feel your awkwardness. Do you have a friend who would accompany you to these events? It's always easier to mooch in on other people's groups if there's two of you because you don't look as 'alone'. It usually comes across as a bit weird if a lone person comes over and tries to join in a group conversation, though I would have thought that at a singles event people would be a little more friendly and welcoming than the Spanish speaker just because of the nature of the gathering. In circumstances where you find yourself standing alone and you see someone attractive but she's already talking to someone, instead of trying to enter the conversation maybe just try to catch her eye and give her a smile so she knows you're interested. Eyes across a room are a lot more alluring than interrupting a conversation. 

[mark clemson]

23 hours ago, max3732 said:

Did I do something wrong in trying to talk to that last one?

While I haven't done singles events, I did go to some meetups (mostly prior to Covid) and there seemed to be a certain contingent of folks "looking" at those events.

I would say that SOME of the folks who show up at these things are a bit weird and you shouldn't read too much into their responses. While many are just fine, SOME may have psychological issues of various sorts (such as personality disorders, among others) that make them difficult to socialize with, or simply be "game players".

If you're generally able to strike up normal conversations with normal people at an event like this, I wouldn't overthink too much wrt any specific individual's response.

[S2B]

Yes, stand there alone. That way someone could also approach you if they wish to.

there’s no rule that says you must joking a group/table to chat with others.

maybe some gal may want to approach you - and can’t while you are always busy squeezing in to a table of folks.

[max3732]

12 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

Instead of rushing in, just take a second to watch the scene and wait for a better moment to hop into the conversation. Don't just stand around twiddling your thumbs, though, 'cause that won't get you far in this kind of situation. If you spot someone you want to chat with who's already deep in convo, just be chill and slide in smoothly. Avoid being all nosy or pushy; that's a buzzkill.

Instead, try starting with some light chit-chat questions with the group. Then, ease into a couple of topics that everybody's into. It'll break the ice and even help you rejoin the conversation if you had to bail earlier. And remember, not everyone's gonna be in the mood to chat, so if someone seems uninterested, don't sweat it.

Move on with a shrug and a smile.

That's a good idea. I should have tried that waited around a bit more in case someone else showed up. I was there about an hour

11 hours ago, MsJayne said:

Hmm, I feel your awkwardness. Do you have a friend who would accompany you to these events? It's always easier to mooch in on other people's groups if there's two of you because you don't look as 'alone'. It usually comes across as a bit weird if a lone person comes over and tries to join in a group conversation, though I would have thought that at a singles event people would be a little more friendly and welcoming than the Spanish speaker just because of the nature of the gathering. In circumstances where you find yourself standing alone and you see someone attractive but she's already talking to someone, instead of trying to enter the conversation maybe just try to catch her eye and give her a smile so she knows you're interested. Eyes across a room are a lot more alluring than interrupting a conversation. 

Funny enough at a previous event I started chatting with this other guy there as we were both trying to find a woman to talk to and he gave me his contact info and said he'd help me out at these events. He did just that at a 2nd event, but again I didn't like anyone there. We were talking about him coming, but he couldn't make it this time. You'd think at a singles event people would be open to people coming to chat, which is why everyone is there.

I think the other issue is that it's rare for me to find someone who is my type at these events so if I do I get a bit nervous and want to make a good impression and get a bit frustrated/flustered trying to figure out how to get into a conversation with her.

12 minutes ago, mark clemson said:

While I haven't done singles events, I did go to some meetups (mostly prior to Covid) and there seemed to be a certain contingent of folks "looking" at those events.

I would say that SOME of the folks who show up at these things are a bit weird and you shouldn't read too much into their responses. While many are just fine, SOME may have psychological issues of various sorts (such as personality disorders, among others) that make them difficult to socialize with, or simply be "game players".

If you're generally able to strike up normal conversations with normal people at an event like this, I wouldn't overthink too much wrt any specific individual's response.

Thanks. If given a chance I can strike up a normal conversation with just about anyone. What gives me trouble is trying to get into a conversation already going on or if everyone in the room seems to be engaged in a conversation and I'm the only one there standing by myself. I feel like I should be doing something other than just standing there.

4 minutes ago, S2B said:

Yes, stand there alone. That way someone could also approach you if they wish to.

there’s no rule that says you must joking a group/table to chat with others.

maybe some gal may want to approach you - and can’t while you are always busy squeezing in to a table of folks.

Just stand there people watching? I would want to seem open

[mark clemson]

16 minutes ago, max3732 said:

What gives me trouble is trying to get into a conversation already going on or if everyone in the room seems to be engaged in a conversation and I'm the only one there standing by myself. I feel like I should be doing something other than just standing there.

Yes, it's awkward, but sometimes you just have to wait these things out until conversation breaks and someone takes an interest in you. In rare cases it might be a while.

Not every meeting/social situation pans out favorably - there's a certain amount of arbitrariness to it no matter how good your social skills may be. However, from what I can see these singles things appear to be exceedingly common, so you can just dust yourself off and head to the next one.

There are certainly situations that call for significant self-examination, but I'm not sure this is really one of them...

Edited September 13, 2023 by mark clemson