Feeling Used

[Lovetorn5]

First time poster here! Just need someone to talk to as I have no one in my life to talk to about this.

I’m married and have been having an affair for 4 years with a man who is also married. Our families know each other, kids go to school together, I am friends with his wife. I know how bad this is.

My AP makes me feel amazing and validated. I love the way I feel when we talk and meet up. He gives me something to look forward to in my otherwise routine and boring life. However, he ghosts me/stops communicating with me for weeks to up to a month at a time for no apparent reason. It hurts. We communicate through email and he will just not check his email to see if I’ve even wrote him.  Last time we met up was a little over a month ago. He wrote me three weeks after wanting to meet up again. But when I replied, I got no response from him. I haven’t heard from him in almost 3 weeks. I have seen him within these three weeks but haven’t been able to talk to him for no other reason than certain people were around. It’s not often I can talk to him in person or I would ask him what’s going on. Also, when he wants to see me he will email me consistently until we do meet up. Then afterwards, it’s usually no communication from him for weeks. But this has been the longest. Is he done with me and too coward to tell me?

Is ghosting and not communicating for weeks the norm in affairs? Am I expecting too much from this? 

 

Edited September 12, 2023 by Lovetorn5

[d0nnivain]

It's an affair.  You are a side piece, a distraction, not a primary relationship that gets nurtured.  He shows up when it's convenient for him.  

 

If you are tired of being a second class citizen in your "relationship" get out of it.  Then divorce your poor husband who deserves better.  At that point you will be free to pursue something meaningful where you are treated like you matter.  

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Lovetorn5 said:

 makes me feel amazing and validated. I love the way I feel when we talk and meet up. He gives me something to look forward to in my otherwise routine and boring life. 

Sorry this is happening. Unfortunately your lover doesn't make you feel "amazing and validated". Quite the opposite. He ghosts because his life is elsewhere and treats you as a nonentity otherwise except for trysts.

Why is your life "boring and routine"? How is your marriage? Is there intimacy and romance? Do you and your husband work outside the house? 

Please join some groups and clubs, volunteer, get involved in sports and fitness, take some classes and courses. Broaden your social horizons and make friends with decent honest people.

This way you could have less routine and boredom, without having to resort to hanging out with married snakes.

If you're unhappy in your marriage, try to focus on resolving those issues. This affair seems like a bandaid for other problems.

 

[BaileyB]

2 hours ago, Lovetorn5 said:

Also, when he wants to see me he will email me consistently until we do meet up.Then afterwards, it’s usually no communication from him for weeks. But this has been the longest. Is he done with me and too coward to tell me?

Sadly, I think this is just the pattern in this relationship - he communicates when he wants to see you (for sex, I would assume) and he goes quiet when he is otherwise living his life. 

In other words, your relationship exists for his convenience, not yours. 
 

2 hours ago, Lovetorn5 said:

My AP makes me feel amazing and validated.

I’m honestly not sure how. What you have described sound torturous. 

Men can be very charming when they want sex. They can enjoy the attention and excitement of an illicit relationship in much the same way that women do. To me, this would mean nothing if he makes no effort to connect at any other time than when he wants something and dismisses my feelings and needs. That to me is not validation. 

You are attracted to the excitement and the high of the affair because you are otherwise feeling bored and unappreciated. You are seeking validation and self worth from a man who comes around whenever he wants whatever he is seeking but otherwise, doesn’t give you the time of day. If you haven’t found a counsellor, that would be first on my list of things to do tomorrow if I was you… the problem here is not your affair partner and his lack of communication. The problem here is why you are settling for so little and using this man who could apparently care less to build your own self esteem and self worth. That comes from inside - 

 

[stillafool]

He uses you for what he needs and throws you to the side when finished.  He probably hates what he's doing to his family and yours and probably sometimes hates you too.  What do you see happening other than what you're doing now?  He isn't going to leave his wife for you even if you get caught and your husband divorces you.  You are going down a dead end street that is going to make you end up alone and hurt.

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, Lovetorn5 said:

 I am friends with his wife. . He gives me something to look forward to in my otherwise routine and boring life. 

Having affairs with your friends husband is not a hobby. And "feeling used" is certainly not "feeling amazing and validated". 

Please try to figure out what's really going on inside you because neither your life nor your affair seems to be making you happy.

[basil67]

3 hours ago, Lovetorn5 said:

Is ghosting and not communicating for weeks the norm in affairs? Am I expecting too much from this? 

There is no norm in affairs due to their very nature of being outside the rules of formal relationships.   And frankly, I think it's unreasonable to expect anything at all from another woman's husband.

All in all, if you're happy with it, then accept it for what it is.  If you're not happy, then end it. 

Edited September 12, 2023 by basil67

[Lovetorn5]

2 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. Unfortunately your lover doesn't make you feel "amazing and validated". Quite the opposite. He ghosts because his life is elsewhere and treats you as a nonentity otherwise except for trysts.

Why is your life "boring and routine"? How is your marriage? Is there intimacy and romance? Do you and your husband work outside the house? 

Please join some groups and clubs, volunteer, get involved in sports and fitness, take some classes and courses. Broaden your social horizons and make friends with decent honest people.

This way you could have less routine and boredom, without having to resort to hanging out with married snakes.

If you're unhappy in your marriage, try to focus on resolving those issues. This affair seems like a bandaid for other problems.

 

 

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Having affairs with your friends husband is not a hobby. And "feeling used" is certainly not "feeling amazing and validated". 

Please try to figure out what's really going on inside you because neither your life nor your affair seems to be making you happy.

I agree. I am living a miserable life right now and trying to figure it out 

[Lovetorn5]

1 hour ago, BaileyB said:

Sadly, I think this is just the pattern in this relationship - he communicates when he wants to see you (for sex, I would assume) and he goes quiet when he is otherwise living his life. 

In other words, your relationship exists for his convenience, not yours. 
 

I’m honestly not sure how. What you have described sound torturous. 

Men can be very charming when they want sex. They can enjoy the attention and excitement of an illicit relationship in much the same way that women do. To me, this would mean nothing if he makes no effort to connect at any other time than when he wants something and dismisses my feelings and needs. That to me is not validation. 

You are attracted to the excitement and the high of the affair because you are otherwise feeling bored and unappreciated. You are seeking validation and self worth from a man who comes around whenever he wants whatever he is seeking but otherwise, doesn’t give you the time of day. If you haven’t found a counsellor, that would be first on my list of things to do tomorrow if I was you… the problem here is not your affair partner and his lack of communication. The problem here is why you are settling for so little and using this man who could apparently care less to build your own self esteem and self worth. That comes from inside - 

 

You are completely right. I almost hate him for using me yet crave his attention all the same. I do need to seek therapy/counseling because this is destroying me 

[Lovetorn5]

35 minutes ago, basil67 said:

There is no norm in affairs due to their very nature of being outside the rules of formal relationships.   And frankly, I think it's unreasonable to expect anything at all from another woman's husband.

All in all, if you're happy with it, then accept it for what it is.  If you're not happy, then end it. 

You’re right. I need to find strength within myself to end it. Easier said then done 

[Lovetorn5]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Having affairs with your friends husband is not a hobby. And "feeling used" is certainly not "feeling amazing and validated". 

Please try to figure out what's really going on inside you because neither your life nor your affair seems to be making you happy.

I do feel amazing and validated when we are communicating on a regular basis. It’s the periods of no communication where I feel used. An entire roller coaster of emotions. 
 

 

[Lovetorn5]

1 hour ago, stillafool said:

He uses you for what he needs and throws you to the side when finished.  He probably hates what he's doing to his family and yours and probably sometimes hates you too.  What do you see happening other than what you're doing now?  He isn't going to leave his wife for you even if you get caught and your husband divorces you.  You are going down a dead end street that is going to make you end up alone and hurt.

I don’t see anything happening further than what is going on now and I’ve never expected either of us to leave our marriages. I guess I’m just wanting to keep him there for some excitement, and the fact that I have become emotionally attached. Maybe we are both using each other the same. I understand this may in time destroy everything and everyone around me but I can’t find the strength to stop. 

 

3 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

It's an affair.  You are a side piece, a distraction, not a primary relationship that gets nurtured.  He shows up when it's convenient for him.  

 

If you are tired of being a second class citizen in your "relationship" get out of it.  Then divorce your poor husband who deserves better.  At that point you will be free to pursue something meaningful where you are treated like you matter.  

I appreciate your bluntness. I get caught up in the emotion of it and forget the reality of what it is sometimes 

[basil67]

3 minutes ago, Lovetorn5 said:

It’s the periods of no communication where I feel used. 

The using is happening on both sides.  Don't forget that you are using him to fill a gap in your "boring life".   The thing the problem here is that you want him more often than he wants you.

[BaileyB]

7 minutes ago, Lovetorn5 said:

I do feel amazing and validated when we are communicating on a regular basis.

Google search intermittent reinforcement - because that’s what is happening here. 

Edited September 12, 2023 by BaileyB

[Lovetorn5]

17 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

Google search intermittent reinforcement - because that’s what is happening here. 

Do you think he is purposely doing this/manipulating me? I’ve often wondered if he’s just trying to keep me hooked on him so I’m there. 

[Lovetorn5]

21 minutes ago, basil67 said:

The using is happening on both sides.  Don't forget that you are using him to fill a gap in your "boring life".   The thing the problem here is that you want him more often than he wants you.

Yep unfortunately, I think you’re right. Makes me sick to know that I’m capable of just using someone. I feel emotionally connected to him so it’s hard to admit I’m using him. But I am 

[Wiseman2]

1 minute ago, Lovetorn5 said:

 I’ve often wondered if he’s just trying to keep me hooked on him so I’m there. 

Being "hooked on him" is your choice because as you mentioned you're unhappy with your life at this time. He's just being a typical married man and you're probably not on his mind too much, no less him devising a strategy.

[basil67]

3 minutes ago, Lovetorn5 said:

Do you think he is purposely doing this/manipulating me? I’ve often wondered if he’s just trying to keep me hooked on him so I’m there. 

I would say that it's far more likely that he's simply contacting you when he feels like it.  And focusing on his family the rest of the time.  However the end result is the same no matter whether it's deliberate or not.  

Just now, Lovetorn5 said:

Yep unfortunately, I think you’re right. Makes me sick to know that I’m capable of just using someone. I feel emotionally connected to him so it’s hard to admit I’m using him. But I am 

I think it's time to look at what's missing in your own life and marriage and start to address it

[BaileyB]

41 minutes ago, Lovetorn5 said:

Do you think he is purposely doing this/manipulating me? I’ve often wondered if he’s just trying to keep me hooked on him so I’m there. 

Intermittent reinforcement means that he delivers the attention and validation you seek (ie, the reward) on an irregular schedule. Whether he does so purposefully or not doesn’t matter - as Basil says, the end result is the same. My point being, when rewards are given intermittently, it produces the greatest desired effect. Ie, you are always hungry for the reward because you never know when it’s coming. The fact that he ignores you for a period of times makes it all the more wonderful when he does shine his light on you - because you have been waiting and hoping for this moment. And, you have been disappointed in the past. 

Do I think that he’s purposefully manipulating you - it doesn’t sound like it to me. It sounds very much like he is living his life. He likely thinks about you far less than you think he does… So, in that respect, he doesn’t need to keep you hooked - you are the one who is over-committed here. He doesn’t even have to put in any effort - he calls and you come. And in relationships, especially affairs, it’s the partner who cares the least that holds all the control. 

But again, it’s not about him. You need to figure out why you are looking to your affair partner for the things that only you can give yourself - your own happiness, self worth, and validation. 

And if I may, you need to think about your children. When I was 10 years old, my best friend’s mother was having an affair with the neighbour down the street - both, very close friends of my parents. When the affair was discovered, her father divorced her mother. The financial hardship was real. My friend had to move with her mother to another city because they needed a new start - they needed to get away from the gossip. I can’t imagine the shame. My friend will never talk about this time in her life - she will never talk about our childhood and the divorce of her parents. It must have hurt in a way that I can’t begin to understand. The MM’s wife didn’t divorce him - until she discovered a second affair about 10 years later. So, if I may, I tell this story because you play with fire here… and it’s not only you who is going to get burned. I say this not in judgement but as a warning - I think it’s very irresponsible to seek your own happiness at the expense of your children and your spouses. For goodness sake, your affair partner won’t give you the time of day unless he wants something… are you really going to blow up your children’s world for a man who contacts you only when he wants sex? Please don’t do that - find yourself a counsellor, do the work to find your own strength and happiness, gather your courage, and make a plan to exit this affair. If not for your spouse, for your children…

Edited September 13, 2023 by BaileyB

[BaileyB]

One more thing - when you get some counselling and you start to feel stronger and happier… you are likely to find that the attention of this MM will no longer appeal to you. When you find your own worth, you will no longer be willing to settle for a relationship that offers so little and risks that which you love the most. 

You are making emotional decisions right now, and emotional decisions tend more often than not to be very poor decisions. A good counsellor will help you to work through this all. I really hope that you find someone to help you find what’s missing within you -  that you are seeking from this MM. 

Edited September 13, 2023 by BaileyB

[Lovetorn5]

5 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

One more thing - when you get some counselling and you start to feel stronger and happier… you are likely to find that the attention of this MM will no longer appeal to you. When you find your own worth, you will no longer be willing to settle for a relationship that offers so little and risks that which you love the most. 

You are making emotional decisions right now, and emotional decisions tend more often than not to be very poor decisions. A good counsellor will help you to work through this all. I really hope that you find someone to help you find what’s missing within you -  that you are seeking from this MM. 

I appreciate you telling me the story of your friend. I do want to stop, I know how unhealthy this is. I hope I can find some help and I’m going to seek that out very soon. I appreciate you and your advice. You have helped me tremendously today when I was in tears over this  

[BaileyB]

5 minutes ago, Lovetorn5 said:

You have helped me tremendously today when I was in tears over this  

(((Hugs)))

Keep posting, there is support for you here. 

[MsJayne]

In answer to your question, yes you are. All people in affairs are being used, as an escape from the mundanity of their life, and that applies even if there's genuine feelings involved. In an attempt to escape being mundane, they become a cliche instead . It sounds like you're much more invested and place far more value on the relationship than he does, and that's why he chooses not to respond to your emails, (because he definitely sees them, he's lying when he says , "I hardly ever check my email"). You're a pleasant distraction, but not an important part of his life, (sorry, I know you don't want to hear that), and that's why he ignores you, it's his way of telling you not to get too carried away.  So, again, yes you are being used. Might the energy and thought you put into having this affair not be better spent pondering the reasons you have such disregard for your husband and finding ways to improve your marriage? If you think your husband deserves it, (maybe he's a bad husband?), why are you still married? How would the kids of both families cope of you got caught? 

[Nkaye]

Not trying to judge here but you say you are friends with his wife, your children go to school together etc etc.

Your focus should not be about how he is making you feel and instead think how much damage this will do once you are finally caught out. 

You have made so many terrible choices which will cause so many problems for your children at school, your husband and the other mans family. 

Break it off, look into counseling and all that other good stuff 

[Lovetorn5]

2 hours ago, MsJayne said:

In answer to your question, yes you are. All people in affairs are being used, as an escape from the mundanity of their life, and that applies even if there's genuine feelings involved. In an attempt to escape being mundane, they become a cliche instead . It sounds like you're much more invested and place far more value on the relationship than he does, and that's why he chooses not to respond to your emails, (because he definitely sees them, he's lying when he says , "I hardly ever check my email"). You're a pleasant distraction, but not an important part of his life, (sorry, I know you don't want to hear that), and that's why he ignores you, it's his way of telling you not to get too carried away.  So, again, yes you are being used. Might the energy and thought you put into having this affair not be better spent pondering the reasons you have such disregard for your husband and finding ways to improve your marriage? If you think your husband deserves it, (maybe he's a bad husband?), why are you still married? How would the kids of both families cope of you got caught? 

Yes we are using each other completely. I do know this now.  He doesn’t check his email often.  I get a notification when he reads my messages so I know he hasn’t seen them in weeks. He just doesn’t check it and shuts me out sometimes. It’s a secret email account his wife doesn’t know about not one he accesses daily. It’s always after we have gotten closer (had sex) or have been talking a lot that he stops responding.
I have not come to accept the fact  that he can just ignore me so easily even after 4 years.
 

I still care for and have love for my Husband. I feel my affair doesn’t have much, if anything to do with him. 

And as selfish as this sounds, I don’t think much about how it will affect our kids if we are ever caught. I will start trying to think of them more throughout this and maybe that will make it easier move on