Feeling Used

[Lovetorn5]

2 hours ago, Nkaye said:

Not trying to judge here but you say you are friends with his wife, your children go to school together etc etc.

Your focus should not be about how he is making you feel and instead think how much damage this will do once you are finally caught out. 

You have made so many terrible choices which will cause so many problems for your children at school, your husband and the other mans family. 

Break it off, look into counseling and all that other good stuff  

This is what needs to happen at this point but easier said because I feel even if I break it off, I’ll go back when I hear from him.  I’m weak and attached to this man regardless of me knowing how bad it all is. I need to find a trusted counselor/therapist or something. I don’t know how else to stop 

[JTSW]

9 hours ago, Lovetorn5 said:

I am living a miserable life right now and trying to figure it out 

What did you expect from having an affair with a married man?

He will only contact you at his convenience but his priorities are his wife and kids.

It may have been exciting in the beginning but you quickly learned that you are just a side piece that he uses when he pleases.

What do you want from him exactly?

What are you hoping to happen in the future? Because it wont be what you want.

[JTSW]

5 hours ago, Lovetorn5 said:

I feel even if I break it off, I’ll go back when I hear from him.

This is why Nkaye advised you to think of yours and his children and the long term problems you will be causing them.

Not yourself.

[BaileyB]

8 hours ago, Lovetorn5 said:

I feel even if I break it off, I’ll go back when I hear from him.  I’m weak and attached to this man

Like Henry Ford said, whether you think you can or whether you think you can’t, you are right. Meaning, if this is the narrative that you tell yourself, then this is what will happen…

If you tell yourself that this needs to end and you have the strength to make that decision - well, then that will happen too. It’s up to you.

It doesn’t sound to me like you are ready for this to end yet. You still believe that the breadcrumbs he offers you are worth more than the angst that you feel when he goes silent. And, thinking about him after you meet and even when he goes silent provides a distraction from your otherwise mundane life that is welcome at this time.

I would advise you to start making a plan for the day that you decide to end this. The obvious step - change your email. Block him from your phone. You will need to find a way to redirect your thoughts every time he comes to mind - change the records that play in your head about how much you miss him, why hasn’t he texted, I can’t do this, etc… And, you need to develop a plan of how you will respond when you see him in person. 

But most of all, you need to find yourself again and you need to reinvest in your own life. If your marriage is not good - you need to consider divorce. But, you can’t actually asses that right now when you are pining for another man. Get involved in your children’s lives, develop some new friendships, find a new hobby, volunteer… Whatever you need to do to find your own joy - that should be your focus. You may even want to visit your doctor because you may be depressed. 

The first step - find a counsellor. You have some work to do - 

Edited September 13, 2023 by BaileyB

[Lotsgoingon]

Stop all the self-judging at this point. Or judge yourself with some kindness and compassion.

Do stop the affair. But now time to get to therapy and figure out how you can fill in the empty gaps in your life that made you vulnerable to the affair. Your job is to proceed as if you can have the validation you feel from this guy in your life away from this guy. You are in some kind of rut with your regular life. The raw primitive attraction and interest of another man can feel really intoxicating for a woman whose life is scrambling in the house putting out fires and attending to the needs of others. 

The reason I say you want to dial down the guilt is because guilt can be a good boundary setter, a conscience. But it also can block open-minded thinking. You can focus so much on feeling bad and being bad that you don't allow yourself see what's underlying your vulnerability to this neighbor guy. You feel so bad you can't get the brain around what it's going to take to "live good"! 

BTW, the reason he disappears most likely is that HE feels guilty after time with you. He goes off and shames himself, tells himself the affair needs to stop. He pretends your emails don't exist. His guilt drops.  And then of course, his discipline wanes, he feels for you and he then communicates. This distance-closeness cycle actually fuels the affair. The worse you guys feel afterwards, the more tantalizing and kinky and tempting you become to each other.

Get to a therapist so you can talk FREELY about everything, including the marriage, kids, your husband, your sex drive in the marriage, what's attractive about this new man and on and on. 

 

 

 

 

[Lovetorn5]

49 minutes ago, Lotsgoingon said:

The raw primitive attraction and interest of another man can feel really intoxicating for a woman whose life is scrambling in the house putting out fires and attending to the needs of others. 

This is what drew me to him in the beginning. My youngest was 2 and all I was doing in my life was caring for my children. I had nothing for me. I felt down about myself and my life and that’s when he showed up and I loved the attention he gave 

[Lovetorn5]

53 minutes ago, Lotsgoingon said:

Stop all the self-judging at this point. Or judge yourself with some kindness and compassion.

Thank you for your support. I have been beating myself up for a long time. It’s  hard not having someone to talk to so it’s just me and my mind. Self-judging is a huge issue I need to get past within myself 

[Lotsgoingon]

So now bring into your awareness the reality that a lot of childcare can be absolutely, suffocatingly boring and isolating. And women struggle to articulate this because they feel guilty that they are so bored and worn down by childcare. And these mothers don't want to suggest that they didn't enjoy every moment of raising their children, so their children miss this message even as adults. 

And so another generation grows up, really unready for how isolating and boring childcare can be. 

Hubby needs to see you as a sexual being again. And you need to create some fun time away from the family, maybe with girlfriends. 

Sounds tacky but here we go. I assume you put on makeup and dress nicely and look good when you hook up with neighbor guy. You need to fix yourself up for yourself and for your husband. Just pick some days and put on all the makeup and dress nice and do your mothering that way. The makeup and clothes can remind you that you are still a sexy and sexual being, still good looking, still with your own desires in addition to your maternal desires and responsibilities.

And then hubby needs to court you and take you out. You can ask for this.

You can get through this and the kids will be in school in not too long .Can you get some daycare, like even a half day a few days a week? You need to claim some individual time. 

There is a chance that neighbor guy's wife is also shutdown and fatigued. And that he doesn't have much sex or romantic time with her. But don't ask him about this, because this kind of conversation can just strengthen your bond. 

 

 

[stillafool]

30 minutes ago, Lovetorn5 said:

This is what drew me to him in the beginning. My youngest was 2 and all I was doing in my life was caring for my children. I had nothing for me. I felt down about myself and my life and that’s when he showed up and I loved the attention he gave 

What was wrong with the attention you were getting from your own husband.  Why didn't you want or need his valadation instead of your friends husband?

[Lovetorn5]

20 minutes ago, stillafool said:

What was wrong with the attention you were getting from your own husband.  Why didn't you want or need his valadation instead of your friends husband?

We were going through a stressful time at this time in our lives. We had just moved back in with his parents and money was an issue, our relationship sat on the back burner a bit for a few years. My husband gives me lots of attention, we have regular sex. It has never been about what my Husband does or doesn’t do. I don’t have an answer as to why I wanted another man’s attention other than it made me feel good 

[Lovetorn5]

38 minutes ago, Lotsgoingon said:

Sounds tacky but here we go. I assume you put on makeup and dress nicely and look good when you hook up with neighbor guy. You need to fix yourself up for yourself and for your husband. Just pick some days and put on all the makeup and dress nice and do your mothering that way. The makeup and clothes can remind you that you are still a sexy and sexual being, still good looking, still with your own desires in addition to your maternal desires and responsibilities.

When my affair started my children were young I had a 2, 4 and 9 year old. At this time my priorities were only my children so no I didn’t take care of myself well and get all pretty every day. Fast forward a couple years, and I started doing those things. My husband and I do go out, I look good for him every day, get dressed, take care of myself. He is very attracted to me and tells me every day.  We have regular sex and it’s good sex. The problem is, I got addicted to AP’s attention and it become a rush, a fun escape, something just for me. Now it’s hard to stop 

[Lovetorn5]

43 minutes ago, Lotsgoingon said:

There is a chance that neighbor guy's wife is also shutdown and fatigued. And that he doesn't have much sex or romantic time with her. But don't ask him about this, because this kind of conversation can just strengthen your bond. 

This is true, he has told me this 

[Lotsgoingon]

You open to therapy? Not to fix you but to develop a strategy to exit the situation. 

Or let's ask the uncomfortable, which is what you started with. Are you wanting to keep things going and just want more consistent from AP? 

[Lovetorn5]

44 minutes ago, Lotsgoingon said:

You can get through this and the kids will be in school in not too long .Can you get some daycare, like even a half day a few days a week? You need to claim some individual time. 

My kids are in school now. I just need to find something for me now that’s healthy. I plan to work on this 

[Lovetorn5]

55 minutes ago, Lotsgoingon said:

So now bring into your awareness the reality that a lot of childcare can be absolutely, suffocatingly boring and isolating. And women struggle to articulate this because they feel guilty that they are so bored and worn down by childcare. And these mothers don't want to suggest that they didn't enjoy every moment of raising their children, so their children miss this message even as adults. 

 

Thank you so much for your replies and support. This whole board has helped me tremendously 

[ExpatInItaly]

I don't think he is necessarily trying to manipulate you with his random periods of silence. 

I think he just gets his fill, and then goes about his life until he wants more. You are emotionally attached and in your feelings about him, but it doesn't really seem the same is true for him. He has fun with you and is fond of you, but you're not someone he needs or wants in his daily life. 

[mark clemson]

16 hours ago, Lovetorn5 said:

I still care for and have love for my Husband. I feel my affair doesn’t have much, if anything to do with him. 

And as selfish as this sounds, I don’t think much about how it will affect our kids if we are ever caught. I will start trying to think of them more throughout this and maybe that will make it easier move on 

I mean - perhaps consider looking for a different hobby that helps you feel amazing and validated (or at least adds positively to your routine life) and which doesn't potentially threaten your marriage and family?

If your married friend/AP spends months without communicating, I suspect he will not be overly distressed if you gently end things and put this to bed.

If you're strongly interested in not being discovered, consider "tying up the loose ends" by deleting emails/texts etc, and asking this male friend to do the same...

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, Lovetorn5 said:

My husband gives me lots of attention, we have regular sex. It has never been about what my Husband does or doesn’t do. I don’t have an answer as to why I wanted another man’s attention other than it made me feel good 

The issue is not your husband, the issue here is that you lost yourself along the way. Like many women, you lost yourself in the process of being a wife and mother and you turned to this married man to help you find something for yourself. The thing is - you are using him to “fill your bucket” as the kids say these days… when really, you need to fill your own bucket. Your husband can’t do that for you. Your kids can’t do that for you. Your MM can’t do that for you. The problem you are having right now is that you are using your married man to fill your bucket but like sand, it slips right out the holes in the side of the container. That strategy doesn’t work for obvious reasons - he comes and he goes and there is nothing permanent, solid, or truly meaningful. 

As was said above, you need to find ways to fill your own bucket. Part of that is turning your focus  to reinvest in your marriage and your family… but a bigger focus should be spent on finding what brings you joy - maybe that’s developing friendships, joining a hiking group, or learning a new hobby, taking a class, meditating/yoga, reading… Diversify your life so that you are not giving 100% to your children such that you have nothing left for yourself. Right now, you are 100% focused on your MM - that’s not going to bring anyone joy, especially because you only see him when he decides to come around… Oprah has a new book with Arthur Brooks - Build the Life you Want - where they talk about the keys to finding true and lasting happiness. Get that book and go to a coffee shop and read. Lots of things you can do to begin to change your narrative. But, if you sit around and pine for your MM, nothing much will change…

Edited September 13, 2023 by BaileyB

[Lovetorn5]

1 hour ago, mark clemson said:

mean - perhaps consider looking for a different hobby that helps you feel amazing and validated (or at least adds positively to your routine life) and which doesn't potentially threaten your marriage and family?

I think you’re right, that’s what I need to do.

[Lovetorn5]

1 hour ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I don't think he is necessarily trying to manipulate you with his random periods of silence. 

I think he just gets his fill, and then goes about his life until he wants more. You are emotionally attached and in your feelings about him, but it doesn't really seem the same is true for him. He has fun with you and is fond of you, but you're not someone he needs or wants in his daily life. 

Yes I’m the fool for getting attached. I wish I could remove the emotion out of it and just accept it for what it is. And yes I’ve realized he just comes and go when he wants some attention from me. It hurts but I need to remind myself of this. I think telling myself this over and over will help me detach from him. 

 

[Lovetorn5]

1 hour ago, BaileyB said:

The issue is not your husband, the issue here is that you lost yourself along the way. Like many women, you lost yourself in the process of being a wife and mother and you turned to this married man to help you find something for yourself. The thing is - you are using him to “fill your bucket” as the kids say these days… when really, you need to fill your own bucket. Your husband can’t do that for you. Your kids can’t do that for you. Your MM can’t do that for you. The problem you are having right now is that you are using your married man to fill your bucket but like sand, it slips right out the holes in the side of the container. That strategy doesn’t work for obvious reasons - he comes and he goes and there is nothing permanent, solid, or truly meaningful. 

As was said above, you need to find ways to fill your own bucket. Part of that is turning your focus  to reinvest in your marriage and your family… but a bigger focus should be spent on finding what brings you joy - maybe that’s developing friendships, joining a hiking group, or learning a new hobby, taking a class, meditating/yoga, reading… Diversify your life so that you are not giving 100% to your children such that you have nothing left for yourself. Right now, you are 100% focused on your MM - that’s not going to bring anyone joy, especially because you only see him when he decides to come around… Oprah has a new book with Arthur Brooks - Build the Life you Want - where they talk about the keys to finding true and lasting happiness. Get that book and go to a coffee shop and read. Lots of things you can do to begin to change your narrative. But, if you sit around and pine for your MM, nothing much will change…

I will look into the book. Something I haven’t learned yet in this life is how to fill my own bucket and love myself. I really appreciate you, you give great advice 

[Lovetorn5]

1 hour ago, mark clemson said:

If your married friend/AP spends months without communicating, I suspect he will not be overly distressed if you gently end things and put this to bed.

I don’t think he’ll care and probably in some ways wants to end it himself. He has ended it a couple of times but has always reached back out after 2-3 months. I suspect if I end it, he will reach back out eventually.  I’ll have to block him and be strong when I run into him. Right now, I don’t feel like I have the strength to do so. That’s why I’m here on this forum, talking through this has given me some strength and help for what to do. Thank you for your support 

[Lovetorn5]

2 hours ago, Lotsgoingon said:

You open to therapy? Not to fix you but to develop a strategy to exit the situation. 

Or let's ask the uncomfortable, which is what you started with. Are you wanting to keep things going and just want more consistent from AP? 

I am open to therapy but I don’t know where to start. I want to stop being in an affair but I feel I will miss it/him. It’s not easy for me to just end it or I would have by now 

[Lotsgoingon]

That's why you need help. If you could have ended things on your own, you likely would have by now. 

Edited September 13, 2023 by Lotsgoingon

[BaileyB]

35 minutes ago, Lovetorn5 said:

I am open to therapy but I don’t know where to start. 

I think you start by finding a counsellor. If you have insurance - call them. If you need to see your doctor - make the appointment. 

That’s how you start. 

The other thing I would do - I would never again say, “I can’t do it. I know that I need to end it, but I don’t have the strength.” That becomes a self fulfilling prophesy - if you don’t think you can’t, you won’t. 

Find an affirmation that works for you - “This is an exciting time in my life. This is MY time. I’m going to learn about myself, I’m going to grow and I’m going to create a life that brings me joy!” That’s what you say to yourself every time you think of him or want to say that you can’t end it. “This is my time and there is no place in my life for this dead end relationship.” 

40 minutes ago, Lovetorn5 said:

I suspect if I end it, he will reach back out eventually.

They often do, yes. You need to have a plan for this so that when it happens, you are prepared. 
 

35 minutes ago, Lovetorn5 said:

I want to stop being in an affair but I feel I will miss it/him.

Of course you will miss him. Nobody has ever left a relationship and not missed their former partner and the relationship. You do it anyway. If you are waiting for the day that it will not hurt, that day will never come. That’s why you have to start working now - diversify your interests and build/strengthen other relationship so that you will be able to deal with the loss of this relationship. You will not be able to avoid the pain of the loss of this relationship but you will get through it.

I once heard it said - the heart heals. The heart heals faster than we think it will… it’s the mind that takes longer to let go and move on. That’s why counselling is so important!! 

Edited September 13, 2023 by BaileyB