Why am I still here ?

[annlisaannlisa]

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Edited September 13, 2023 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[annlisaannlisa]

Quote

Me (51F) Boyfriend (49 M )6yrs Why am I still here ? 

I already know that I need to leave this relationship. I should have never let it continue for 6 years. The facts are he lies about everything, takes responsility for nothing always turning anything he's confronted with back on me and he blames me for everything. He is quick to anger with a long stream of descriptive words about me. He spends any opportunity he can find to read his hundreds of e mails from dating sites coming in everyday as well as porn +, live sex, chat rooms, etc....He will deny confidently solid evidence right in front of him of what he is doing...there is no accountability or truth with him ever on anything he does wrong. Then there's the phone that never leaves his side, top security on all his devices... It's a no brainer, right? But I've stayed because believe it or not there are those good (normal) times that left me hopeful, think I was loved and see a better future.

We have accomplished a lot together, built a successful business together and most our lifestyle I thought were very similar and comfortable. I realize I have been making excuses for him and becoming tolerant to his obviously bad behavior. I have given into what I know is unacceptable and adjusted my thinking to get along with him.

His ability to wake up in the morning everyday like everything is "perfect" no matter what he does and how much it hurts me on so many levels or no matter how much rage in words he expressed to me the day before or even hours before leaves me confused and questioning myself. I actually know what's going on. I am clear about his actions and how I'm letting myself think differently to get along and the zero chance of things actually changing with him. So why after I have decided to leave, can be alone, have a place to go, am financially secure and feel like I can emotionally walk away still here?

I want to add that I have been less than perfect along the way. My behavior has been unacceptable at times, and I am not trying to make myself look innocent of wrongdoing in this relationship. I need to filter a lot more. I need to keep my thoughts to myself more often and not verbalize everything I think.

My self-esteem is low, but not gone. The hope that things will change, some miracle might happen and that I might regret doing this and if I had just waited a little longer it would all be different with him. I imagine him with someone else because (his words) " I gave up on a good thing and didn't see it.". Or that he did suddenly stop what he was doing and feel bad about it and could have a healthy relationship with me. All stupid reasons I know, not going to happen.

I need that extra "push" to get me out that door...!

 

Edited September 13, 2023 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Removed links to other forums

[Alpacalia]

What it is about him that you really love right now? Is it his fiery personality with all those colorful descriptions, or is it the whole online adult content and chats thing that's bothering you?

Or maybe it's the lack of respect? 

If you endure his actions in the name of love, you're only subjecting yourself to suffering. In reality, it's not love; it's self-destruction. Choose growth. Let the truth set you free.

Edited September 13, 2023 by Alpacalia

[MsJayne]

9 hours ago, annlisaannlisa said:

" I gave up on a good thing and didn't see it.".

Is he serious? 😨  I can smell his toxicity from here!  He sounds like a Gas-Lighter Extraordinaire, and maybe that's why you stay. You're so busy questioning your perception and dithering around in confusion that you don't have time to plot your escape. You probably have inner conflict going on 24/7 and must be thoroughly exhausted after 6 years. You're fully aware of what's going on, you sound like you have a very clear understanding of the unequal and abusive dynamic of this relationship, and you have the personal and financial resources to remove yourself from his poisonous presence, so I'm guessing that you may have a deep fear of being alone. Please consider a life where your intelligence isn't being insulted on a daily basis, the rewards of being around positive people who lift you up, an absence of abuse.

Edited September 13, 2023 by MsJayne
Grammar Error

[d0nnivain]

This isn't going to be easy to get out of because you own a business together but you must for your own sanity.   All those dating emails.  Why do you stay?   Get out.  Work on your self esteem.  

[BaileyB]

Staying with someone hoping that they will change who they are is not usually a good plan.

It will be hard to separate because of the business, among other things. But, I think you know it’s time… you just have to find the support and the courage to make the hard decision. 

Edited September 13, 2023 by BaileyB

[Wiseman2]

16 hours ago, annlisaannlisa said:

The hope that things will change, some miracle might happen and that I might regret doing this and if I had just waited a little longer it would all be different with him

Unfortunately you answered your own question. You're still there because you're hoping he will change, become a different not abusive man and that you can fix and change him.

Only you can decide if and when to cut your losses. Perhaps you need to reach that point when the pain of staying exceeds the pain of leaving.

 

[Ray_xx]

Come on girl! you are writing that not for advice from the public, but advice from yourself. leave - tonight!

[stillafool]

He'll never change for you.  He might for someone else but not for you.  It's time for you to go and find a man who will treat you with respect.  Your husband no longer respects you.