bbdpoison Posted September 13, 2023 Share Posted September 13, 2023 (edited) Just found out my wife of 27 years has been snapping her high school sweetheart for the past 3 years. They had a lot of history together and had not talked in 24 years. I don't trust him for things he did early in our relationship to try to break us up. She says nothing is going on and I trust her. I do not trust his motives. He is married and that is why she thinks it is all innocent. Is trouble ahead for me? Edited September 13, 2023 by bbdpoison Grammer error Link to post Share on other sites
Acacia98 Posted September 13, 2023 Share Posted September 13, 2023 If I were you, I'd ask myself these questions: 1. Why would she carry something on in apparent secrecy for three years if it was innocuous? 2. Why is it important to her to maintain a friendship with someone who has previously posed a threat to your marriage? By the way, how did you find out they were communicating? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
MsJayne Posted September 13, 2023 Share Posted September 13, 2023 Way too much secrecy. Why didn't she mention it when she first heard from him? Because she knew it would make you uncomfortable? Or was she the instigator? Loneliness and nostalgia are usually the main reasons people start fossicking on social media looking for people from their past and there's nothing wrong with that, except in circumstances where connecting might cause a problem with a significant other. The communication isn't the issue, the secrecy is. I don't know whether you have trouble ahead, but I would have this out with her because it's not appropriate to be having secret chits chats with a high school sweetheart from 27 years ago. Hopefully there's nothing to worry about, but she should stop communicating and block him if you're not OK with it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Alpacalia Posted September 13, 2023 Share Posted September 13, 2023 What is snapping? Is that supposed to be an acronym for Snapchat? Not that is matters but your wife talking to someone for three years is a fat red flag. I would want to know exactly what prompted her to keep this conversation going for so long and keeping it from you. That isn't a good sign. Her justification that nothing can happen because he is married doesn't cut it. If he's so married why is he keeping up contact with her regularly? That's a sign of trouble brewing. Link to post Share on other sites
JTSW Posted September 13, 2023 Share Posted September 13, 2023 4 hours ago, bbdpoison said: She says nothing is going on If that were true then why didn't she tell you about it 3 years ago? Why did she hide it for so long? Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted September 13, 2023 Share Posted September 13, 2023 Sounds like you have good reasons to be upset. Before you go nuts & start throwing around demands etc. talk to her. Explain that you don't like it & why. Then ask for more transparency. Suggest they switch to another platform, one that records the exchanges rather than deletes everything. It won't be great but if you can see that they are talking about the weather or gossiping about old friends from HS, it may help you be more OK with this. If she balks, especially because this has been going on behind your back for so long , then you have a real problem on your hands. Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted September 13, 2023 Share Posted September 13, 2023 6 hours ago, bbdpoison said: They had a lot of history together and had not talked in 24 years. I don't trust him for things he did early in our relationship to try to break us up. What things did he do early in your relationship and how long ago was that? How did you find out about this? How is your marriage overall? Link to post Share on other sites
Author bbdpoison Posted September 13, 2023 Author Share Posted September 13, 2023 (edited) 1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said: What things did he do early in your relationship and how long ago was that? How did you find out about this? How is your marriage overall? So about 15 years ago her mom passed away. She went into a dark place. Never seeked help. She closed herself off from me completely. After trying to get her to open up I went for comfort elsewhere. I had an affair. Something that I regret doing everyday. My wife found out about it and we talked about divorce, but when to counseling first. The counseling did great things for our marriage and we have been in good shape for almost 10 years now. I found out about her talking with her hs sweetheart cause I was helping her with something on her phone. I saw her snapchat and a friend with a bitmoj that did not look anything like the person it said it was. I looked up the user name and boom there it was. This guy tried to force himself on her on one occasion just after we got engaged. Would call (pre cell phone) to talk with her. She was paranoid of him. Through counseling she was told to forgive and forget and move on. Edited September 13, 2023 by bbdpoison Add Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted September 13, 2023 Share Posted September 13, 2023 11 minutes ago, bbdpoison said: So about 15 years ago her mom passed away. I went for comfort elsewhere. I had an affair.. I saw her snapchat and a friend . I looked up the user name and boom there it was. What is the nature of their contact? Is he a friend? Perhaps they just talk perhaps she's having an emotional revenge affair. However your marriage seems in peril again. Sorry to say, but it's pretty rich to monitor her social media and contacts making accusations while you decided to fool around after her mother died. Please get things sorted out in marriage therapy. It seems like it's time to revisit your marital issues and trust levels. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
JTSW Posted September 13, 2023 Share Posted September 13, 2023 8 minutes ago, bbdpoison said: her mom passed away I'm sorry for her loss. I know how devastating that must have been for her. 8 minutes ago, bbdpoison said: I had an affair. So you caused the problems in your marriage by having an affair while she was grieving. You were the one that put that damage in your marriage. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
JTSW Posted September 13, 2023 Share Posted September 13, 2023 Just now, Wiseman2 said: it's pretty rich to monitor her social media and contacts making accusations while you decided to fool around after her mother died. Completely agree. Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted September 16, 2023 Share Posted September 16, 2023 On 9/12/2023 at 11:06 PM, Alpacalia said: What is snapping? I too am out of the loop on this expression and would like to know... input/clarification appreciated! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted September 16, 2023 Share Posted September 16, 2023 Since she kept it from you - that indicates something is going on. it’s been 3 years she’s been lying by omission. She isn’t prioritizing your marriage. what do you plan to do? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Rusty78 Posted September 28, 2023 Share Posted September 28, 2023 On 9/13/2023 at 12:01 PM, bbdpoison said: She says nothing is going on and I trust her. Why would you trust her when she has been in contact with a high school sweet heart for 3 years? Women 65% of the time set up.a "Plan B", that would be your replacement. I would be asking who was her "Plan B" before him? "She was paranoid of him"? Or paranoid of what he would say? Men and women's infidelity for the most part are for different reasons. Your wife shut you out when grieving her mother and you went else where to get your needs fulfilled. Both parties could have done that better. That does not exclude her "Plan B", two wrongs do not make a right. If you just brush this off, she will learn there are no consequences to her actions. It will show her you do not value her or your your relationship with her. If her cultivating your replacement is within your boundaries? What does your 27 year marriage actually represent? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Alpacalia Posted September 29, 2023 Share Posted September 29, 2023 (edited) I have been in intermittent contact with my "high school sweetheart" but I would not keep it private or hidden. So it seems like there are a few different issues at play here: One, the lack of trust in your wife's communication with her high school sweetheart, two, the fact that she has turned to this person for whatever reason, and three, your own past infidelity and how it may impact your perception of the situation. I think it's possible that your wife felt like she couldn't turn to you because when she was going through an incredibly difficult time 15 years ago, you turned to someone else instead of being there for her. As a result, she may have felt like she had to seek comfort and understanding from someone else, and this high school sweetheart may have been someone she felt could relate to her on a certain level, given their past experiences together. I realize you may feel uneasy about this situation, especially given your wife's past experiences with this person. People can change over time and it's possible that this person has matured and has no ulterior motives in their current communication with your wife. Edited September 29, 2023 by Alpacalia Link to post Share on other sites
Kassieee Posted September 30, 2023 Share Posted September 30, 2023 (edited) On 9/16/2023 at 11:36 AM, mark clemson said: I too am out of the loop on this expression and would like to know... input/clarification appreciated! Snap chatting. The app...Snapchat Edited September 30, 2023 by SlimShadysWife 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted September 30, 2023 Share Posted September 30, 2023 Thanks! Link to post Share on other sites
Lotsgoingon Posted September 30, 2023 Share Posted September 30, 2023 (edited) Tough one. I would say check your intuition and your body. Did you feel safe before you knew this information? That's one approach, though of course, sometimes we mistakenly feel safe when we are in danger. The other approach might be a little humility. If I read your right, she connected with this ex after you had your affair. Sounds like you guys have recovered, but sometimes talking to an ex just reminds us that we have value outside our current relationship. If you want to confront her, first acknowledge the affair and the impact it likely had on her. And say clearly that you don't want to be judgmental. And express your concern. Focus on YOUR concern and your feelings, not on accusing her of doing anything--though as others have said, it would have been better for her to tell you about this communication. (But be honest: how comfortable would you have been had she told you about this?) I don't know. I might go gently here. One of my exes reached out to me after her first marriage blew up and then during a touch period of her second marriage. The second time, it was totally friendship talk (the first time we did get together, but only after the divorce). Thinking of the second time, I imagine she just needed to connect with someone she knew who admired and cared about her and she needed to connect with someone totally outside of her current situation. But things got better in her marriage and she and I gradually stopped talking. Now we send each other a fb note once or twice a year. Edited September 30, 2023 by Lotsgoingon Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted September 30, 2023 Share Posted September 30, 2023 On 9/13/2023 at 12:01 AM, bbdpoison said: . She says nothing is going on and I trust her. I do not trust his motives. Considering your marriage was on the rocks from your history of cheating and through marriage counseling she was able to forgive you, you'll have to try see the forest for the trees here that snap chatting with some old flame from 100 years ago is not a reason to blow up your marriage, unless you're trying to make a mountain out of a molehill. Link to post Share on other sites
LynneVicious Posted October 1, 2023 Share Posted October 1, 2023 Considering she’s using Snapchat to speak with him for 3 years m without you knowing, and not sms messaging, there is some concern here. Have you spoken to her about it and asked why she is speaking with him if he attempted to assault her? Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted October 3, 2023 Share Posted October 3, 2023 Don't accept her answer. This needs to be addressed firmly and promptly. It's totally inappropriate even if there is no evidence of sexual connotation. She's using this activity to step out of your marriage from time to time...an escape. You need to find out what is the cause of this behaviour. Best to discuss this in therapy. Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted October 4, 2023 Share Posted October 4, 2023 Your marriage almost ended because you found comfort in another woman and here is your wife falling in that same trap. She's using snapchat because she knows it leaves no traces. I don't care there are no sex talk, she is maintaining an emotional connection with an ex. There is no being halfway in a marriage, you're all in or you're all out. It's her time to pick where she wants to be. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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