Navigating Family and Real Estate

[Alpacalia]

Thanks. 

The realtor I initially contacted is a friend of my mother and I wonder if my father's girlfriend is maybe uncomfortable with that.

I just can't shake the feeling that since my sibling and I are chipping in our hard-earned money alongside my dad, and he's made it clear he wants to pass his share to us when he's no longer around, we need to have the freedom to pick our own realtor. I wouldn't have minded as much if things had started differently, or if I wasn't already in the middle of it, but the way it's played out has put me in an uncomfortable spot.

Sure, meeting with my Dad's girlfriend's real estate agent might not hurt, but ultimately, we deserve the final say. It's our decision to make, even though I understand her desire to be involved and help out with this. I guess I just have to look at it as she wants to be helpful in this process and that's a good thing. Maybe she just needs to be included more so she can feel like an involved partner.

[S2B]

So her motive was money.

she wasn’t offering out of generosity - she was acting out of wanting compensation.

does your dad know this? Do you want her to be compensated on a property you and your dad intend to buy?

what I’d be worried about - is the way she squeezed herself in on a deal where she shouldn’t have been involved.

it wouldn’t sit well with me. 
 

does she compensate your dad every time he does his handyman work on her properties? I would be asking that!

[S2B]

Get things right - she isn’t trying to “help out” - she is attempting to earn money off of a deal she knows will go through. 
 

much like a mooch - she wants something for doing very little. Her position makes me shudder - I would go with my own realtor and leave her out completely! And I would let dad know she has been butting in where she isn’t welcome.

[Weezy1973]

8 hours ago, FMW said:

Couples, whether married or not, do things for each other - without monetary compensation. 

Exactly. I’m a financial advisor and do my wife’s retirement planning and certainly don’t expect compensation. That would be weird. 

[d0nnivain]

Even if she was doing it for $$, I don't see any malicious intent in the offer.  Keeping her nose out of your bank account is fine.  

 

[Alpacalia]

12 minutes ago, S2B said:

So her motive was money.

she wasn’t offering out of generosity - she was acting out of wanting compensation.

does your dad know this? Do you want her to be compensated on a property you and your dad intend to buy?

what I’d be worried about - is the way she squeezed herself in on a deal where she shouldn’t have been involved.

it wouldn’t sit well with me. 
 

does she compensate your dad every time he does his handyman work on her properties? I would be asking that!

Yes, that's the issue I had as well. If she had come to me and said, look, I would really like to help you find a realtor and help with the paperwork and share the commission I would have been more receptive.  However, she just assumed that I would be ok with her taking control and doing it all.  

I feel that is a bit too forward and would prefer to do my own research and make my own decisions about who to hire.

[Weezy1973]

@Alpacalia If she was offering to then give you and your dad her portion of the compensation to lower your costs on the transaction, that would be something that was well planned and thoughtful. 

[Foxhall]

7 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

I just can't shake the feeling that since my sibling and I are chipping in our hard-earned money alongside my dad, and he's made it clear he wants to pass his share to us when he's no longer around

Might sound a bit cold but Id be looking to safeguard that position - dont want a scenario whereby she would eventually inherit your rightful share,

unlikely but never know what can happen in the future if things are left open.

[S2B]

I would be more comfortable if I could keep her out of it all together.

it really isn’t her business and including her could create resentments from either side. 
 

too risky - just tell her you’re more comfortable handling it yourself.

[Alpacalia]

19 hours ago, S2B said:

I would be more comfortable if I could keep her out of it all together.

it really isn’t her business and including her could create resentments from either side. 
 

too risky - just tell her you’re more comfortable handling it yourself.

Thanks S2B.

I expressed my choice to go with my own realtor, and she was fine with it. After talking to the recommended realtor my Dad's girlfriend provided, I didn't feel comfortable with her. The realtor I've been working with has been remarkably proactive, and I have a much better feeling about her in general. According to my Dad's girlfriend, she wouldn't be making a commission off of it anyway which is quite different then what my father told me initially.

In any event, it was hard for me to say no in this instance. Part of me feels terrible about it, but it was important for me to stand up for myself and be firm in my decision. I am grateful she was understanding and respectful of my decision.

I do want to do something nice for her. She's helped me with a lot and she's been kind to me otherwise (sans when she first started dating my Dad).

Edited September 15, 2023 by Alpacalia

[FMW]

40 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

I do want to do something nice for her. She's helped me with a lot and she's been kind to me otherwise (sans when she first started dating my Dad).

I'm happy to hear it all worked out.  As for what I quoted above, do nice things for her as situations and circumstances naturally arise, like you would anyone else.  But don't do something just because you feel guilty or uncomfortable about standing up for what you felt was the right thing for you.  

It sounds like there was a misunderstanding or miscommunication about her intent, so that's helpful to remember in the future.  If you have concerns or discomfort over anything about what she might do or say that concerns you, talk to her directly.  

Congratulations on your new investment property 🙂

[Alpacalia]

So I just want to update this thread because I am feeling so emotional right now.

Not too long ago, my father suffered a stroke and my sister is abusing drugs and alcohol l and I just feel so overwhelmed.

It's taking a toll on my mental and emotional health. I feel so overwhelmed and helpless. I have been trying to be strong for my family, but inside I am struggling to keep it together. I am definitely seeking support but I just wanted to update this thread because I know there are so many people out there going through similar struggles with their family. If anyone else is going through a tough time with their family, just know that you are not alone. It's so weird because the morning before my father had his stroke, I texted him to tell him how much I loved him and was grateful for him.

It's a reminder to tell the people you love how you feel because you never know what can happen. I am hoping for the best for my family and trying to stay hopeful. My Mom suffered through addiction and it nearly destroyed me. I am not judging, but it is something I never want to go through again. I feel like I am losing my sister to drugs and alcohol as well and it breaks my heart.

Just wanted to update this thread and send my love and support to anyone else going through a tough time with their family. Hopefully I can keep it together and I know we all have to go through tough times, but it's just really hard right now. I feel such a great sense of support posting here and just trying to wrap my head around how everything can turn on the blink of an eye.

I pray for my papa and my sister, hoping for their recovery and healing. I flew out to be with my Dad and I am so grateful that I have gotten to be by his side through this and that I can be with him.

Edited September 27, 2023 by Alpacalia

[FMW]

I'm so sorry for your struggles 😢

I hope you are able to draw strength and comfort from other loved ones to help you through this difficult time.  

None of us can be strong all the time, and we have to remember to take care of ourselves.  Take advantage of any tele-health/online counseling services to which you might have access.  Talking your feelings out can be very helpful, don't keep them locked up inside.

Sending you positive thoughts and energy. 

[basil67]

I'm so sorry to hear this update.  How quickly life can change, eh.  You and your family are in my thoughts...please keep us updated