I've developed a fetish for transwomen while in a long term cis relationship

[HankHatfield]

I [30m] have been with my partner [29f] for 14 years, high school sweethearts. I love her and still want to be with her, but i really want to experience a night with a transwoman and im terrified right now because I really want to bring this up to her but im not sure how to approach this without jeopardize our relationship. 

I didn't always have these urges, this developed way after we first started dating. But its now gotten to the point where i feel like i need to bring it up to her or deal with this situation somehow because its eating me up inside. 

My current desire is to either ask for permission for a single night with a transwoman or bring up the idea of possibly a threesome with a transwoman. Ive no idea how receptive she would be to either. 

The other thing i could do is seek therapy and stiffle these urges. I understand what I'm experiencing is lust and fantasy for a fetish, and im only interested in sex, but its the one kind of sex my current can't give me. Yes strapons just don't have the same appeal.

If i dont deal with this soon I'm gonna slip up and she's gonna find out somehow if she doesn't already know.

 I need advice on how to tread these waters. Do i talk to her about this at all, and if so how do i expressing my interests without making her feel less valued. 

Edited September 15, 2023 by HankHatfield
Clarification at the end

[basil67]

You're talking about 'slipping up', but short of hiring a sex worker, where would you find a transwoman who's open to having sex with you just to fulfill your fantasy?  Let alone a transwoman who wants a threesome with your wife?   

Your fantasy is the very definition of objectification and highly offensive

Edited September 15, 2023 by basil67

[Wiseman2]

34 minutes ago, HankHatfield said:

I [30m] have been with my partner [29f] for 14 years. ask for permission for a single night with a transwoman or bring up the idea of possibly a threesome with a transwoman. Ive no idea how receptive she would be to either. 

Are you living together?  If you would like to explore your sexuality, it's better to do it on your own time by yourself without having your GF as a backdrop or security blanket and expecting her to be patient with your cheating or bringing others into the relationship. 

[HankHatfield]

2 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Are you living together?  If you would like to explore your sexuality, it's better to do it on your own time by yourself without having your GF as a backdrop or security blanket and expecting her to be patient with your cheating or bringing others into the relationship. 

Yes currently living together. Perhaps this is the wrong subforum but it's the closest i could find relating to my issue other than the sexual identify subforum. But im not interested at all in cheating or infidelity. Im either gonna bring up the topic or seek therapy and squash these thoughts. But thank you for your reply

[HankHatfield]

28 minutes ago, basil67 said:

You're talking about 'slipping up', but short of hiring a sex worker, where would you find a transwoman who's open to having sex with you just to fulfill your fantasy?  Let alone a transwoman who wants a threesome with your wife?   

Your fantasy is the very definition of objectification and highly offensive

Slipping up as in revealing my interest without intentionally meaning to do so at the moment. 

Perhaps you are right with the sex worker, but i don't see why any other transwoman just interested in a one night stand wouldn't work. Sorry it offends you but im just attracted to all females just wanna try one with some extra and i don't see anything wrong with that particular sentiment as long as both parties understand its a sex thing.

[Wiseman2]

3 minutes ago, HankHatfield said:

 im just attracted to all females just wanna try one with some extra and i don't see anything wrong with that particular sentiment 

Experiment all you want but don't drag your GF through it. 

[basil67]

1 minute ago, HankHatfield said:

but i don't see why any other transwoman just interested in a one night stand wouldn't work

Regarding being offended, my feelings are related to you wanting to use someone from an already marginalised community for nothing more than your sexual pleasure.  

There is an interesting article which interviews transwoman and their thoughts on being fetishised.  I suggest you take the time to read it

“In the realm of sex and dating, my body does not belong to me,” 22-year-old NYU graduate student Teagan Rabuano tells me. “I’m just an object for men to derive pleasure from, only to be discarded immediately afterwards.”   Cis men often seek out trans women out of pure lust with little desire to pursue a fulfilling partnership. “Men were less interested in dating me, and more interested in *****”.............“What kept popping up with the men that were interested in me, was that they weren’t interested in me” says Tlacatl. “They were ‘curious’ about what it was like to be with a trans girl. Any trans girl. I felt more like a circus freak than a person.

 

[HankHatfield]

13 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Regarding being offended, my feelings are related to you wanting to use someone from an already marginalised community for nothing more than your sexual pleasure.  

There is an interesting article which interviews transwoman and their thoughts on being fetishised.  I suggest you take the time to read it

“In the realm of sex and dating, my body does not belong to me,” 22-year-old NYU graduate student Teagan Rabuano tells me. “I’m just an object for men to derive pleasure from, only to be discarded immediately afterwards.”   Cis men often seek out trans women out of pure lust with little desire to pursue a fulfilling partnership. “Men were less interested in dating me, and more interested in *****”.............“What kept popping up with the men that were interested in me, was that they weren’t interested in me” says Tlacatl. “They were ‘curious’ about what it was like to be with a trans girl. Any trans girl. I felt more like a circus freak than a person.

 

This is what i get for not elaborating, or maybe it doesn't matter in this context because by extension its still objectification. Wouldn't have any qualms dating a transwoman if i wasnt already in a relationship. Might be equally as offensive to you and others regardless.

[Alpacalia]

No, you can't have a hall pass so you better keep the wild thoughts in check. If you're going to act on every urge that arises in your mind you will eventually find yourself ending up alone.

[basil67]

Just now, Alpacalia said:

No, you can't have a hall pass so you better keep the wild thoughts in check. If you're going to act on every urge that arises in your mind you will eventually find yourself ending up alone.

Excellent point.  Here I am focusing on how transwomen commonly feel about this type of situation and forgetting all about the poor wife 😳   

 

[basil67]

46 minutes ago, HankHatfield said:

Wouldn't have any qualms dating a transwoman if i wasnt already in a relationship.

There's a world of difference between wanting to use a transwoman to explore your curiosity vs dating with a view to a love and a relationship. 

Did you read the article?  What do you think of the views of these transwomen?   

Edited September 16, 2023 by basil67

[HankHatfield]

3 minutes ago, basil67 said:

There's a world of difference between wanting to explore your curiosity with a transwoman vs dating with a view to a love and a relationship. 

Did you read the article?  What do you think of the views of these transwomen?  

I did read it, and i understand there are a class of men in significant quantity making the dating scene very toxic and that is deplorable. I don't have any of the other negative tenancies typically associated with the worst type of offenders who marginalize the trans community. But i can see the overlap in my behavior, but its purely based out of currently being in a relationship. That may not make it better

Onto the subject i really want to talk about, my partner. From what ive gathered i think most people here want me to break up even without talking. 

[Wiseman2]

3 minutes ago, HankHatfield said:

. From what ive gathered i think most people here want me to break up even without talking. 

You can ask her, but opening that Pandoras box will definitely change your relationship and if she ends it as a result that's fine because your request is pure selfishness at her expense. 

You can do whatever you want with any consenting adult you want. Just don't drag your partner through it. 

[basil67]

33 minutes ago, HankHatfield said:

Onto the subject i really want to talk about, my partner. From what ive gathered i think most people here want me to break up even without talking. 

Nobody said this

[Lotsgoingon]

If you go to therapy, the goal won't be the stifle this desire. That doesn't work.

You would explore it and see what's going on. Like maybe this is so important to you that you're willing to leave your gf or risk leaving her. Look the status quote with the gf isn't going to hold.

Of course 99 percent chance gf will be freaked out. Doesn't mean you ought not tell her what you're feeling. If your relationship with gf is to be real, then you need to deal with this issue.

I would get to therapy and maybe look for a sex therapists. Sex therapists are really expert at connecting people's desires to their history and really nailing down the origin of various desires and fetishes. And they do no shaming or judging, other than they would tell you not to do anything with someone else without telling your gf. I had a great general therapist who had a side hustle as a sex therapist--I'd asked her questions about "treating" sex issues she said sex therapy was no different than dealing with anxiety. 

 

 

[Alpacalia]

This isn't just about having a fetish, but about wanting to do stuff that you're into. Hall pass aside, it's important to respect your partner's desires too. Being open and willing to try new things in bed is cool. Sometimes it's nice to do stuff that maybe isn't your top choice, but it gives your partner pleasure.

There is a massive difference between, “Let’s try out this nurse costume” and asking them to get down and dirty with someone else while you do the same. The latter is basically asking your partner to hook up with someone other than you. Some people might argue that a threesome doesn't mean getting intimate with everybody involved.

Maybe if your partner and the third person only focused on making you happy without any hanky-panky between themselves, it wouldn't be considered as them hooking up. 

But it's still participating in a sexual scenario with each other. That's kind of a big deal.

When a man requests that his heterosexual partner engage in sexual activity with a person who was assigned male at birth, he is asking her to have sex with someone she might not be sexually attracted to. Why would that be fun for her, exactly?

Plus, you're basically asking her to give you permission to do the deed with someone else right in front of her. If she's all about the whole "one person at a time" thing, that could totally bring her down. It's kind of a huge thing to consider. Some monogamous people are willing to make an exception for threesomes, and some are not.

If you choose to be monogamous with each other, do so because you want to be. Not because you're bound to it.

Do you need to be an especially sensitive and giving partner? Do you both need to work on your sexual confidence together, or does she need to take more of an initiative in the relationship? Is there room to explore fantasy and role play to diversify your experiences?

So, you're going to have to ask her how she feels and what she thinks about having a threesome or the idea of you stepping outside of your relationship. If she loves the idea, great. If not, then you drop it. No need to start plotting and scheming to change her mind. That's just a recipe for breaking trust and definitely putting an end to any intimate moments you two might be having. Of course, once she hears that you have these desires might change her opinion of you altogether.

[Jakobslander]

12 hours ago, HankHatfield said:

This is what i get for not elaborating, or maybe it doesn't matter in this context because by extension its still objectification. Wouldn't have any qualms dating a transwoman if i wasnt already in a relationship. Might be equally as offensive to you and others regardless.

Hank, there's NOTHING wrong with your feelings or what you said. 

Talk to your significant other about it and see how she feels. If she does not agree but you can't get rid of the urge, consider breaking up the relationship and go on a trans women dating site. I know someone who is now in a long term relationship with a trans woman and he looks extremely happy. She is a pleasure to have around: cooperative, inclusive and femine (as opposed to his ex). And my friend, who is in his 50s, looks 20 years younger.  

Edited September 16, 2023 by Jakobslander

[ShyViolet]

16 hours ago, HankHatfield said:

The other thing i could do is seek therapy and stiffle these urges. I understand what I'm experiencing is lust and fantasy for a fetish, and im only interested in sex, but its the one kind of sex my current can't give me. Yes strapons just don't have the same appeal.

If i dont deal with this soon I'm gonna slip up and she's gonna find out somehow if she doesn't already know.

I don't think going to therapy to "squash these urges' will work any more than a gay person going to homosexual conversion therapy to force themselves to be straight.  You can't exactly "squash" urges, they will come out somehow.  Everyone knows that bottling something up is not the way to deal with it, and won't work.

I think your only choice is just to come clean with your girlfriend, be honest with her about this and tell her what feelings you have been having, and it's her decision whether to continue the relationship.  She very well might decide that she can't deal with this.  But let it be her choice.

[Alpacalia]

I think when someone talks about wanting to open up their relationship, it's often a mask for not wanting to commit fully and still want to explore other options. It's like trying to have the best of both worlds. It can come across as a bit controlling and self-centered, which might cause your partner to feel like they're just an object.

I'm not saying that everyone who considers open relationships is like this, and I'm not passing judgment on you. I just want to suggest that it's important to take a moment to really think about your motivations as it can affect and potentially hurt the people involved.

Edited September 16, 2023 by Alpacalia

[mark clemson]

I think if you communicate you can hope for acceptance (at least). Agreement would be a lower probability, but still possible. It's also possible your partner will be unable to accept this and/or decide "this isn't what I signed up for."  So, you're right to be cautious - this is likely a very large change in the existing parameters of your relationship as well as a step (for many, but certainly not all folks) in a rather unusual direction.

You might consider a "gradual reveal" WRT this stuff. Dunno, it might help things, might not. Overall, if this is the direction you need to go, one can hope for the best and might even get it, BUT TBH there can also be no guarantee your relationship survives it.

Edited September 16, 2023 by mark clemson

[Lotsgoingon]

OP, just be aware that high-school relationships are notorious for falling apart, not just at the start of college but right around age 30. 

That's because you really learn a lot about yourself in your 20s and lots of what you learn is how you want to be different from the person you were at 15 or 18 or 20.  People at 15 really are blind to their dark side. At 15 you label all kinds of things "dark" that at age 30 you don't see as dark at all.

I grew up in a super warm and kind family, at least that's what I told myself at age 15 or so. By the time I was 30, I saw so many tensions, and conflicts and dysfunctions that made me say I don't want to live like my family lived. By the time I was 30, I realized that initial warmth (which my family exceled at) wasn't a sign of some deep goodness. Can be. May not be.

People get a lot more specific and particular about their "type" as they go through their 20s and reach 30. Lord knows people's sexual identity and sexual desires and preferences often shift a lot in their 20s as they get experience as they overcome the particular social pressures they grew up with, as they meet people who have different ideas about sex than anyone they had met before. 

I'm wondering if you're stuck in a rut with this relationship and blinding yourself to other ways you really want to change (besides getting with a transexual woman). I see it on this board all the time. The person writing in is someone who married their high school sweetheart and predictably in their late 20's or early 30s, the marriage explodes. One person or both people have affairs. They discover qualities in people they appreciate, qualities they didn't even know existed before they got older.

I'm imagining it's time for you to update your goals in life and update your identity. I wouldn't be surprised at all if you are continuing in your high school relationship because it's easy to do so or because you don't want to hurt her feelings or surprise your friends. Those are not good reasons for staying with someone.

 

[basil67]

I'm wondering if I have misunderstood you.  Your opening post was written in an objectifying manner, with talks of a one night stand..and particularly the threesome.  And this is why I interpreted it in the way I did.  

But are you actually questioning your attraction to cis women and whether your wife is the right choice?  Would you be open to a relationship with a trans woman?  Would you be OK if she was post surgery?  Would you be OK if she still had a penis but it wasn't functional due to hormone meds and lack of use?

Edited September 16, 2023 by basil67

[HankHatfield]

Thank you all for your input. I needed a day to review the comments and seriously question myself which was extremely emotionally distressing. If I'm here questioning whether or not to act on these urges then i seriously had to question if any of your comments ring true. 

Couple things that shook me

On 9/16/2023 at 8:02 AM, Alpacalia said:

I think when someone talks about wanting to open up their relationship, it's often a mask for not wanting to commit fully and still want to explore other options. It's like trying to have the best of both worlds. It can come across as a bit controlling and self-centered, which might cause your partner to feel like they're just an object.

I just want to suggest that it's important to take a moment to really think about your motivations as it can affect and potentially hurt the people involved.

 

On 9/16/2023 at 2:36 PM, Lotsgoingon said:

OP, just be aware that high-school relationships are notorious for falling apart, not just at the start of college but right around age 30. 

I'm wondering if you're stuck in a rut with this relationship and blinding yourself to other ways you really want to change (besides getting with a transexual woman). I see it on this board all the time.

I'm imagining it's time for you to update your goals in life and update your identity. I wouldn't be surprised at all if you are continuing in your high school relationship because it's easy to do so or because you don't want to hurt her feelings. 

This is the first time i really questioned whether or not there is a problem in my relationship and whether or not this need to act on my desires is just a desperate cry for change or help. While my attractions to transwomen are true, i think my recent uptick in desire to actually act out on them are indeed stemming from unhappiness. Ive other major stressors, so I'm not sure how much of my unhappiness stems purely from my current relationship but its enough for me to question sex outside our currently monogamous relationship. I think my unhappiness, need for change, and sexual fantasies have collided in a desire for escape by seeking out a new and exciting experience, and i realize I've been willing to risk my long term relationship by talking to my partner about it.

I feel like I've gotten a better direction and handle on what's going on compared to a few days ago, but now what i thought was a very stressful isolated issue now might be far deeper than i thought and I'm terrified. Im gonna go see a therapist before talking to my partner about anything. Id like to add more, but I'm still uncertain in my thoughts. 

On 9/16/2023 at 4:03 PM, basil67 said:

I'm wondering if I have misunderstood you.  Your opening post was written in an objectifying manner, with talks of a one night stand..and particularly the threesome.  And this is why I interpreted it in the way I did.  

But are you actually questioning your attraction to cis women and whether your wife is the right choice?  Would you be open to a relationship with a trans woman?  Would you be OK if she was post surgery?  Would you be OK if she still had a penis but it wasn't functional due to hormone meds and lack of use?

I would say im attracted to all women, cis or trans assuming they check all the personal flavor boxes. Would be fine dating a transwoman. For sex in this situations context won't lie functional penis is the appeal  however I would like to think in a relationship i wouldn't care. However i understand the irony of the statement since here i am talking about sex with someone else because my current partner doesn't have a functioning penis.

[basil67]

1 hour ago, HankHatfield said:

I would say im attracted to all women, cis or trans assuming they check all the personal flavor boxes. Would be fine dating a transwoman. For sex in this situations context won't lie functional penis is the appeal  however I would like to think in a relationship i wouldn't care. However i understand the irony of the statement since here i am talking about sex with someone else because my current partner doesn't have a functioning penis.

So where does your wife fit into this?  Surely you don't think it's realistic to ask for a hall pass or a threesome.   Would you choose to leave her so that you could establish a relationship with a transwoman? 

Or if you're thinking of a secret experimental thing, your actions on approach would then be interpreted as being just like all the other guys in the article. 

Leaving your wife really is the only ethical way to do this

Edited September 18, 2023 by basil67

[Els]

On 9/16/2023 at 8:55 AM, HankHatfield said:

Sorry it offends you but im just attracted to all females just wanna try one with some extra

You're probably thinking of fetishistic transvestites/ladyboys, who are usually sex workers. Transgender women are unlikely to be interested in a person who only wants them for their "their extra bits" (I mean, seriously, is a 30-yo man really using that term!??!?), because the whole reason why most of them go through all the difficulty of transitioning is because they were experiencing gender dysphoria to begin with. You really think they are going to put themselves through sex that focuses on a body part that causes dysphoria to them, just to indulge your sexual desires?

So, basically, leave your wife and seek a sex worker who specializes in this area. Stop hurting your wife and for the love of god don't add to the discrimination, objectification and general crap that transgender people already have to deal with by trying to use them for your fetish.

Edited September 18, 2023 by Els