The pain I feel

[Fay_bloum]

Me and my boyfriend we were together for about 6.5 years.

I was 29 when I met him and he was 25.

We grow up together, we were very very similar and we had the same needs.

A family, not with the classic way, get married etc etc but the bond, it was me him our turtle and our dog. He loved me soooo much, he was so caring so nice so loyal, always asking my opinion have new experiences together, to be honest it sounds very stupid but I thought he was the one!

 

After 3 years, I was diagnosed with gener anxiety disorder, panick attacks etc etc I started therapy and intedepressants.

I will admit that there were sometimes that were very hard for me, he was always there but we had one issue, I wanted to talk more with him about the pain I was caring and he was preferring to make me forget it (probably he couldn't handle it as well) and that was making me feel alone, even tho he was always always close to me, cook for me taking me for a walk and make me laugh.

The time was passing even tho I had my issues I was also next to him to the difficult decisions he had to make and we were always very close. But he had one thing I couldn't deal with easily when he wasn't on a good mood or he was in a bad place he wasn't talking he was acting like a teenager, he was talking his time which I get but was taking very long plus he had issues that he never wanted to face so he was always proposing me things like, let's like our town let's travel the world, let's move out from the city and go to a village, which wouldn't mind to do it but every time I was mentioning that we need a plan he was always negative. So I was feeling that what he was saying was actually a way to get out of his problems so I have never accepted that.

Last year he went to work seasonal to an island for 7 months, things did not work out as he was hoping and we went through a phase, which it was very hard to communicate, he did not know what he wanted from his life etc etc but he was always saying that me and Lungo we are the most important people in his life so he came back and found a job (very good money until may) that was the hardest year for me with him. Always super busy always complaining about his life and that he hates our city working like crazy not in the mood for anything.

We had many many discussions about that the problem it's him and the way he was dealing things but he did not want to go the therapy he just wanted to escape. At the end we had another conversation on April 2023 which he told me that he has a life crisis and he is not even sure if we have to get married or break up. So I told him that we should break up. It was one of the most difficult decisions I have ever made, I felt like my heart was broken I couldn't eat smile sleep nothing.

He went again for a seasonal work and I stayed in the city working with our dog. He was very mad at me that I broke up with him and he didn't want to talk to me at alla claiming that he was having the most hard time if his life.

After 2 months he contacted me just to say he missed me a lot and asked about our dog. I replied that I missed him too, he told me that he was OK, and he is trying his best. I was actually hoping that our break up would be the best for him to think. Instead after a month again he contacted me to ask how am I and I decided to ask him to talk on the phone. The feelings were there, he told me that me and our dogs are his home but still, no any work on his self, he took that time to mourn but in a childish way.

He asked me if I wanted to go to leave in another country, but when I asked him if he has again a plan, nothing....so I was feeling hopeless. We were talking few times we were trying to negotiate and u was hoping that he will get that life isn't like this.

Before 4 days a friend of mine told me that while we were talking these 4 months he was having sex with another girl 20 years old. I got so mad so disappointed so I called him, and I was really harsh on him. He tried to defend him self that for 6.5 years he was loyal to me and that he was suffering there and the only thing he does it to get drugs and alcohol,  and the fact that he was doing that does not change the fact that he loves me and missing me.

I told him to find a way to get all his stuff, now he moved on to another island to work for a month and that girl came back to the city so they are not together.  He told me that is willing to give me all the stuff that we bought together.

And that's it, I am just waiting for a text to let me know until the end of September who is going to come to get his stuff.

That's my story, I know that many of you, will tell me you did good and he is childish and you deserve better. And I know and that is the reason u broke up.

What hurts me most is that I don't know who he is anymore he was a super loving funny gentle person that was always fighting for his life and it hurts me so much this break up that I can barely sleep.

Edited September 17, 2023 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[JTSW]

On 9/17/2023 at 4:15 PM, Fay_bloum said:

I know that many of you, will tell me you did good and he is childish and you deserve better. And I know and that is the reason u broke up.

I'm not going to tell you this because you didn't do a good job and throughout the whole post you never took any responsibility in this at all. 

After your diagnosis you wanted to talk to him allot about it, but he is not a therapist and was not comfortable doing so, which you should've respected.

You held this against him despite him doing everything else he could for you like cooking for you, taking you out etc.

On 9/17/2023 at 4:15 PM, Fay_bloum said:

We had many many discussions about that the problem it's him and the way he was dealing things but he did not want to go the therapy he just wanted to escape.

So he got the blame for all the relationship issues?

Did you even take any responsibility in these discussions?

Like maybe you put a little too much pressure on him.

At the end of the day, you both had issues and neither of you were happy.

Edited September 19, 2023 by JTSW

[d0nnivain]

You are in pain.  You loved him & that is a powerful thing.  

You thought your life was on one path but now it's all upended.  

You know the truth.  This relationship ran its course because he's peter pan, didn't want to grow up & thinks moving or not talking about it makes problems go away.  He's not mature enough to recognize that the problems follow you.  Heck he can't even understand that moving to another country may mean you would have to give away your dog. 

It hurts now.  Break ups suck.  That doesn't mean this break up is a bad thing.  With him gone you may find once the initial pain subsides that your anxiety diminishes.  Plus now you will be free to find a loving man who can communicate.  Hang in there.  Reach out to supportive friends & family.  Keep busy.  Walk the dog A LOT.  Movement & exercise are the cure for your heartbreak, anxiety & depression.  It's hard because when you feel like this all you want to do is hide under the covers.  

Your situation is the classic when one door closes another one opens.  You are just waiting for that other door right now. 

Hang in there.  

[stillafool]

You broke up with him and are now angry at him for having sex with another girl?  What did you expect?  He's no longer with you and can see and date who he wants.

[d0nnivain]

55 minutes ago, stillafool said:

You broke up with him and are now angry at him for having sex with another girl?  What did you expect?  He's no longer with you and can see and date who he wants.

It's the old Janet Jackson song:  I Can't Get Over You Getting Over Me.  

[MsJayne]

On 9/18/2023 at 1:15 AM, Fay_bloum said:

After 3 years, I was diagnosed with gener anxiety disorder, panick attacks etc etc I started therapy and intedepressants.

Sorry to hear you're going through this. Can I ask if something triggered your condition or it's something you've always lived with? It can be very hard for the partner of someone with this type of disorder as you can listen and sympathise but you can't fix it, and you can only take so much of a partner leaning on you for support because it's quite a heavy load taking care of our own emotions and also taking care of someone else's, in particular that he was willing to carry the blame for any relationship problems. Maybe you can take some comfort from knowing that he's been as  honest as he could with you all the way through, he obviously respects you and cares very much for you. About the 20 year old he had a fling with, given that you were no longer a couple during that time you didn't have the right to be angry and he didn't have an obligation to tell you, but it's understandable that you feel an extra layer of hurt and that's why you lashed out. I wonder why your friend told you, it's something you didn't need to know because all it did was add to your pain, but that's by the by. All you can do is get through each day and wait for time to do it's magic, which may sound a bit dismissive and glib, but it's the ugly reality at the end of long relationships. Have you considered the possibility that, even though he's only four years younger than you, and you say you've grown together, you're possibly at different developmental stages now? His wanderlust and the irritation with his life are classic symptoms of a person reaching a life milestone and feeling that they've missed out on something.