desuf Posted September 17, 2023 Share Posted September 17, 2023 (edited) Newbie here. My BF is in an affair with a MM for over 7 yrs. He don't want to leave his marriage and don't want to leave his AP. He says, he may think of getting a D when his kids grow up but he's not sure if his W is okay with mutual D. He wants his AP to wait for another 8 yrs without talking about anything. Never talked about any long term plans. On and off, my friend broke up with him for 6-7 months but they got back again. He has his family, friends and relatives and spends loads of money on luxury trips on his W. But complains about his W whenever he is with AP. My friend is learning about him more and knows her life is wasted but don't know how to get out of this relationship. Edited September 17, 2023 by desuf Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted September 17, 2023 Share Posted September 17, 2023 (edited) You could suggest that she get counselling, if she hasn’t done so already. Or, you could direct her to this site where she can read other stories that are similar to hers… Unfortunately, you have no control here - as I’m sure you are aware. You can love and support her, but she is her own person and she will make her own decisions. If it becomes too difficult out for you to watch, all you can do is take some distance and focus on your own life and finding your own happiness. That’s a long time to waste in a dead end relationship and an even longer time to wait with the “hope” that he will leave his marriage to be with his affair partner. But, there are women on this site who have done exactly that. The truth is, if he has allowed this to go on for this long it’s obviously working for him… he’s not motivated to change anything. He knows that she is not going anywhere so there is no need to change anything… Edited September 17, 2023 by BaileyB Link to post Share on other sites
Lotsgoingon Posted September 17, 2023 Share Posted September 17, 2023 Seven years, your friend is down the rabbit hole, which includes several long twisting tunnels. In other words, getting out of this affair is going to require amazing work. Acting as if there is some fix out there (other than them voluntarily going for major help) is naive, even reckless. I'm going to challenge you. If you're worried about a friend in this situation, that's the equivalent of "how do I help my friend get their life back after seven years of heroin addiction?" In other words, your question is just immature and naive. So here's the question. And I'll preface this by saying I am an empath and I am a recovering rescuer, who really fantasized about helping others, who needed to help themselves. Your worry about the friend lost this way indicates that YOU may have lost your life and your life focus. Why aren't you building friendships with people who aren't so lost as your friend is? Why do you care what the MM says about his wife and divorce? Your focus needs to be on your life. Rescuers and helpers worry about others while their lives are stuck in neutral. Your friend's predicament should take 30th place in your priority of life issues you want to think about. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted September 17, 2023 Share Posted September 17, 2023 3 hours ago, desuf said: is in an affair with a MM for over 7 yrs. He don't want to leave his marriage and don't want to leave his AP. knows her life is wasted but don't know how to get out of this relationship All you can do is stop letting her confide in you about her lover. Just step back and tell her you know how she feels but only she can help herself and you're not her therapist. Please stop enabling her. Ask her to contact you when she decides to leave him. You don't want to see her continue to hurt herself. She knows "how to" get out of the relationship, but doesn't want to. 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
MsJayne Posted September 17, 2023 Share Posted September 17, 2023 Instead of listening to her and sympathising with her, start challenging her. Use the words "wasting your life", refer to him as a "sleazy creep", point out the foolishness of waiting around for a low-quality guy, (liar, cheat), and suggest she attend counselling to deal with her self-esteem issues. Point out the loser-ness of being in a relationship where she has to sneak around. Refuse to spend time with her if he's around. In short, stop supporting her in ruining her life. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Lotsgoingon Posted September 17, 2023 Share Posted September 17, 2023 Do not waste time helping her process this dysfunctional thing. Her feelings and ups and downs--you don't want to be the dumping ground for that. And you know what?! I'm going to guess that really that is your complaint. You ARE tired of listening to her talk about her misery in this affair, but like a good rescuer (and person without good boundaries) you are afraid to be blunt and to tell your friend that you don't want to listen any longer. OMG, if that is the case, my heart goes out for you. Because yes, you do want to cut things off with this friend, who WILL waste your time day after day with not hesitation or guilt. But I get that if you're a rescuer/people-pleaser, it's really hard to say no to someone you're close to. Still, that is probably what you will need to do. Imagine a life where with this friend you can talk about anything OTHER than her affair. Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted September 17, 2023 Share Posted September 17, 2023 I agree that you need to stop talking about this with her. Thing is, when she confides in you she starts to feel a little better again...and so she continues doing it. By being there for her, you're actually enabling her. Don't ask her about that part of her life. And if she talks about it, stop her. Tell her you love her. And then state that her issues are a direct result of her own choices and that you need her to stop talking about it with you. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted September 18, 2023 Share Posted September 18, 2023 (edited) Indeed, you can love and support your friend and still not involve yourself in discussions about this affair and her love life. You will find it easier to keep your sanity and your relationship if you enforce a boundary related to her relationship. Or, you will find that it’s too hard and you will need to distance yourself. Edited September 18, 2023 by BaileyB Link to post Share on other sites
JTSW Posted September 20, 2023 Share Posted September 20, 2023 Unfortunately the only one that can get her out of this is her. He sounds like the classic MM, complains about his wife putting the AP in a false sense of security. Giving her hope when there is none. Giving her lies and bullshit excuses in order to buy time. Your friend is just being used, and until she wakes up and sees that for herself, there is likely nothing you can do. If only warning him off yourself was possible, but she wouldn't see it as you helping, she would see it as interfering. As someone said, she's so far down the rabbit hole that she wont know how to get out. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts